Soon to take in a 4 year old, any advice?

[lunarice]

I won't get into the situation but my nephew is coming to stay with my parents and I. I'm 18 and in full time online college, and my parents have full time jobs. He is 4 and I figure I will be the one taking care of him most of the time. Does anyone have any tips as to how to take care of a child? Should I be child proofing the house? I also am not sure if I should ask for a babysitting rate from my parents. They aren't taking any time off. Is there anything I should be looking out for in consideration to how developed a 4 year old should be?

I've been talking to some parents I know who say that you should pay attention to a 4 year old pretty much 100% of the time, which worries me because sometimes I am in meetings and preoccupied. He has been in day care previously but my parents are not looking to put him in one at this time. He is not in pre-school as of yet. Any help would really really be appreciated, as I am truly unfamiliar in this topic being that I am the youngest of my siblings and have only babysat nieces and nephews sparingly before this.

i am surprised that they don't need social services approval, or at least to inform them, of this arrangement, if your sister has formally given your parents power of attorney over this child.
saying we will all chip in is ok at weekends, but not during the week if everyone is working f/t.
the child could be neglected and that could be actually hazardous. as you have pointed out, electrical safety is but one issue.
and if he is not reliably clean and dry, ie potty trained, then that is another big issue, not just dealing with it, but having to take on that training. so he will need extra attention and input, not less. he cannot be left to his own devices. it would be unsafe.

@MixedUpFiles

A few us centric things, op, please correct me if these don’t apply in your situation.

Online college in the us is more like university in the uk. There will be classes at set times, but op has a lot of flexibility as to when she studies. She isn’t in school from 8-4 or something like that. More like a math class M w f at 2pm, a psychology t/r at 11.

There is absolutely no funding for education or child care before age 5 for families not living in poverty. We have to pay for everything ourselves. The absolute cheapest child care that might be available would be around $100 a week. Quality group child care costs infinitely more.

Most middle class children do have two years of preschool before they enter kindergarten. This is sometimes combined with full-time child care, but it is also offered as a part-time education only program. There are lots of options, including church based preschools which are heavily subsidized. Some of those near me are as cheap as $80 a week for 3 mornings a week. We chose not to use a church preschool because of the proselytizing, but it might be an option for OPs family.

Wow this is all pretty much exactly correct for my situation! Thanks, I'm always a little unsure what differs between countries. Most of my classes are asynchronous without meetings, and one meets at 2:00 - 3:15 pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I am still in those other classes though; they just have due dates and lecture videos uploaded instead of set times. And yes, I was going to preschool when I was his age, so I figured we would put him in it. But no. Everything you said (daycare, education/child care) all of that is 100% accurate to my situation, the day care near us actually does charge $100 a week.

I actually went to a church preschool though my family isn't religious at all (and I didn't end up being religious either) but my parents are saying preschool as a whole is out of the picture at least for this semester. Thank you for your clarifications!

@Ilovemaisie

I realise it really should be your parents responsibility to take care of him but can you take a break from your college work for a while (take a 'semester' out). It's terrible that you would have to do that but I am just thinking of a poor frightened little boy who is going to need lots of love and affection and you seem the only one who wants to do this. If he ends up staying long term I would assume he would start school next September (kindergarten?) so you could return to your college work then. Very unfair for you to have to do that but if your parents aren't going to take time away from their work then this could be a temporary solution.

To be honest I'd really rather stay in college, some of my relatives have dropped out and gone back in and they all say it's very difficult. I'm not sure how to go about all of it tbh, other than informing my professors of what's going on.

@MixedUpFiles

What you need to get ready

He needs a comfy place to sleep
A few toys, since you don’t know what kind he likes, just get a few and then acquire more later.
Depending on his size he may still need to be on a 5 point harness car seat or he might be ready to graduate to a high backed booster.

You need locks on cabinets with anything poisonous, dangerous, or that you would be devastated if it got broken.
Put away anything that would be devastating to be broken.
If there are guns in the house, secure them properly.

Make sure you have a card to your nearest library and check out an assortment of books. Ours is just having us pick up holds right now, otherwise I would say have him to and pick out what he wants.

He is going to need an enormous amount of attention and love. He is going to misbehave. He is going to test boundaries. Your household is going to have to show him that no matter what he does, he is loved and safe and cared for. Have him help set the table and praise him for getting the spoons to the table even when he puts them in the wrong spot. Show him how to help you match the socks and with the laundry. Read him tons of stories. Make forts in the living room. Give him bubbles to blow in the bathtub.

Thank you! Much to consider. Our house has been I guess, not child proof for a long time. No locks on the medicine cabinet etc which I'll make sure to take care of. Whenever I talk about it to my parents they act like I'm being paranoid but I just think it's been too long since my sisters and I were toddlers. They're converting the room next to mine into a bedroom, and I'm thinking if his room is by mine on the second floor and my parents' is down on the first, he would probably come to me if he had a nightmare. Should I leave my door unlocked? I mean I want privacy, but I also don't want to leave him hanging if he's scared.

Thank you about the tips by the way - there's plenty of stuff I can think of that could be broken that we just leave out because the most mischievous suspect here is my cat (I checked, he's not allergic). All of these are brilliant suggestions and I'll make sure to remember them, thank you.

OP, do you have a counsellor attached to your college, or a welfare officer.
perhaps you could talk to them.
they might have some more area-specific ideas.
and it would help you to talk to some responsible adults.
i was going to say what about play groups, stay and play. but with covid maybe it's not such a good idea. is that why your parents are set against any kind of daycare, or is it just the cost. the church groups sounds reasonable cost.
doesn't he have to be registered with the local authority so that they know where children are, and crossing state lines.

@alexdgr8

i am surprised that they don't need social services approval, or at least to inform them, of this arrangement, if your sister has formally given your parents power of attorney over this child. saying we will all chip in is ok at weekends, but not during the week if everyone is working f/t. the child could be neglected and that could be actually hazardous. as you have pointed out, electrical safety is but one issue. and if he is not reliably clean and dry, ie potty trained, then that is another big issue, not just dealing with it, but having to take on that training. so he will need extra attention and input, not less. he cannot be left to his own devices. it would be unsafe.

That's what I think. I know they're getting it all notarized, but we live in a kind of rural place where things just slide. It might be the same in the city actually, I don't really know. Those are things I'm really worried about. Like... I'm trying to think of what else to prepare, but I have no idea what a child needs or what there is to worry about. But my parents are saying oh he will just sit with us as we work and when we're too busy he can watch TV or you can take care of him. And they're acting like I'm just hearing "you can take care of him." While I am worried about my courses, I also think a child can't just sit and watch someone program (my parents are both programmers) without being absolutely bored to death. He's going to want to get up and do things, go outside, play, right? Idk it's all a lot.

@alexdgr8

OP, do you have a counsellor attached to your college, or a welfare officer. perhaps you could talk to them. they might have some more area-specific ideas. and it would help you to talk to some responsible adults. i was going to say what about play groups, stay and play. but with covid maybe it's not such a good idea. is that why your parents are set against any kind of daycare, or is it just the cost. the church groups sounds reasonable cost. doesn't he have to be registered with the local authority so that they know where children are, and crossing state lines.

They haven't really involved me in the whole legal discussion, which I guess I understand. I'll try to talk to my advisor but I don't want him to get taken by social services :( the foster care system here is extremely hit or miss. I don't want to roll the dice on that. My parents cited both covid and cost, but it seems like they mostly just can't pay it. I'll ask them about the crossing state lines thing, thank you.

Ffs. No one is giving a 3 adult household a 4 year old they have never met. Not even in the US. One or two parents have a very slim chance. A 3 adult household will absolutely not happen. Ever.

In the US you absolutely can take in your grandchild with some basic paperwork from the parent. Social services will only get involved in that if there is a problem.

The real problem is health insurance. If mom can’t care for him, it’s likely she isn’t sending him with a private plan and he may be covered by the state. (Or maybe I’m wrong and she’s an executive who just needs to take an overseas trip and can’t bring him and the nanny because of Covid, but probably not) That coverage will be tied to location. It’s also possible he’s not covered at all. He can’t just be added to the grandparents plan without a formal custody arrangement.

@glasgow357

I NEVER go troll hunting but this one is 100% not who she says she is. Just bloody think and stop waving your Pom poms.

I'm not sure how to respond. He is our nephew, we just haven't met him. My sister just isn't well and I don't understand it all the way, and I understand what you mean about the pom poms (it's true that I haven't even really done anything yet, there's not much to celebrate), but I really swear I'm not lying. I don't wanna doxx myself or anyone else, in fact it's all really ridiculous to me too which is why I'm asking a forum about what to do.

@MixedUpFiles

In the US you absolutely can take in your grandchild with some basic paperwork from the parent. Social services will only get involved in that if there is a problem.

The real problem is health insurance. If mom can’t care for him, it’s likely she isn’t sending him with a private plan and he may be covered by the state. (Or maybe I’m wrong and she’s an executive who just needs to take an overseas trip and can’t bring him and the nanny because of Covid, but probably not) That coverage will be tied to location. It’s also possible he’s not covered at all. He can’t just be added to the grandparents plan without a formal custody arrangement.

I'll ask them about the health care. Thank you for clarifying. And yeah, I'm being vague because I don't perfectly understand it but as far as I know, she isn't mentally well enough to take care of him, and they'd all rather he stay here than go into the foster care system.

I don't have any advice but your nephew sounds lucky to have you.

My boys loved baking at that age. With a step to reach the worktops, or sat at the table. They loved making anything at all, sweet or savory.

Having read a bit about how the adoption system works/fails in the US, I can believe it might be possible.

Sorry you are going through this OP. I’m temporarily having to home school my four year old as schools are shut here due to COVID, and I’ve had to take time off to do it. As you realise (but your parents don’t!) they can’t just stick a four year old in front of a TV all day, they need interaction. And the poor thing will be so terrified to be in a new place where he doesn’t know anyone.

My four year old likes toys like mega blocks, dinosaurs, cars on a track, blowing bubbles together. Maybe get a mini trampoline and a bike to let him burn off energy. Can your sister give advice on what toys he likes and send some of his favourites with him?

I don't really know anything about us child stuff but I have a kid that's a similar age. Should go on Amazon and get some busy things for him, big a activity books, little activity packages with name brand tv characters (like octonaughts) buy or make a behaviour and day activy chart so he knows like wake up, breakfast,dress,teeth. There has to be a routine. Maybe get some big Lego to, some sort of cars (eBay and Facebook are your friends for cheap kids toys ) . If you have a garden you can get him a shovel and a small dirt pile to be busy with or a soccer ball.

Children need, routine, boundaries, activities and boundaries. You can download a routine chart for his age online this might help your parents realize how much he needs especially attention wise.

Be prepared for outbursts, tantrums, clinginess, boundary pushing. Don't make him feel unwelcome in your room as he might take it as a way to get negative attention.

I'm sorry your having to deal with so much of this.

@MixedUpFiles

In the US you absolutely can take in your grandchild with some basic paperwork from the parent. Social services will only get involved in that if there is a problem.

The real problem is health insurance. If mom can’t care for him, it’s likely she isn’t sending him with a private plan and he may be covered by the state. (Or maybe I’m wrong and she’s an executive who just needs to take an overseas trip and can’t bring him and the nanny because of Covid, but probably not) That coverage will be tied to location. It’s also possible he’s not covered at all. He can’t just be added to the grandparents plan without a formal custody arrangement.

No you can't. Not with 3 adults in a household. Unless the OP is extremely vulnerable they would ask her to move out. By the language she is using, she is not extremely vulnerable. It's that simple.

Sorry meant love not boundaries twice. Love and attention!

@Bringallthebiscuits

Having read a bit about how the adoption system works/fails in the US, I can believe it might be possible.

Sorry you are going through this OP. I’m temporarily having to home school my four year old as schools are shut here due to COVID, and I’ve had to take time off to do it. As you realise (but your parents don’t!) they can’t just stick a four year old in front of a TV all day, they need interaction. And the poor thing will be so terrified to be in a new place where he doesn’t know anyone.

My four year old likes toys like mega blocks, dinosaurs, cars on a track, blowing bubbles together. Maybe get a mini trampoline and a bike to let him burn off energy. Can your sister give advice on what toys he likes and send some of his favourites with him?

I actually have a mini trampoline! And a lot of old toys, all I know is he likes toy cars, which is very vague to be honest. I think I have old hot wheels and trains as well. I also haven't really talked to my sister in a while but I can message her. Thank you for the suggestions:) true that!!! I'm really worried, they just keep telling him that he's "visiting" but I feel like after a week he will realize he is not just visiting??? I've told my parents also when they're picking him up to bring his toys. I'm also thinking once he gets here maybe we take him shopping and get him something nice, so he likes being here.

@byebyeboyee

I don't really know anything about us child stuff but I have a kid that's a similar age. Should go on Amazon and get some busy things for him, big a activity books, little activity packages with name brand tv characters (like octonaughts) buy or make a behaviour and day activy chart so he knows like wake up, breakfast,dress,teeth. There has to be a routine. Maybe get some big Lego to, some sort of cars (eBay and Facebook are your friends for cheap kids toys ) . If you have a garden you can get him a shovel and a small dirt pile to be busy with or a soccer ball.

Children need, routine, boundaries, activities and boundaries. You can download a routine chart for his age online this might help your parents realize how much he needs especially attention wise.

Be prepared for outbursts, tantrums, clinginess, boundary pushing. Don't make him feel unwelcome in your room as he might take it as a way to get negative attention.

I'm sorry your having to deal with so much of this.

Yes we have a garden! I'll order him some stuff. That's a good idea about the behavior and day chart, I'll look into them and print a few off. My sister said he is usually in bed at 7:00 pm. I'll make sure to ask him if there's any characters/shows he likes. I'll try to be prepared for tantrums. Just recently saw a mother blow up at her kids in the parking lot, and I worry because I know parenting can be really frustrating and angering. But of course he's just a kid, and I'm not really a yeller anyway. So I'll keep my patience. Also should I keep my door unlocked? Just unlocked when I'm not busy probably? Haha it's all so confusing. Thank you!

@lunarice can your sister have regular video chats with him, so that he doesn’t feel totally abandoned? It will be very confusing for him.

If he likes cars a mat with road markings can be fun.

Will he be starting school in September?

I would tell him you have a special door that opens when he says the magic words but will always be open when he's scared or needs you. Make up silly words to make the door open. If you have problems doing things like brushing hair make it fun I tell my kid the hairbrush is hungry and eats knots I go ummm nom nom nom. Also self affirmation is great get him to big himself up I am so brave so smart etc.

Make sure if he is getting crabby that he gets a quiet time, get him to read a book etc set up a fort in his room.

4 is hard it's smarter than 3 but not close enough to 6, just don't expect to much. When my kid has a tantrum we move away from the area, be calm, try counting and breathing, distraction and if worse comes to worse throw them over your shoulder and go somewhere else with them.

[quote Bringallthebiscuits]@lunarice can your sister have regular video chats with him, so that he doesn’t feel totally abandoned? It will be very confusing for him.

If he likes cars a mat with road markings can be fun.

Will he be starting school in September?[/quote]
Yes, she said we need to have weekly facetimes where we all do an activity. And my parents said that we will ask my sister any time if he wants to call, whether she's able to I don't know. I'll look into that mat! And my parents told me if he's still here come September then they will probably "have to" put him in school. It's all very strange.

Also patience try and listen and don't interrupt sometimes it's hard as you just want them to get to the point. But be strong too don't let them walk over you. Agree with your parents what the discipline is generally sitting on the naughty step for like a minute or two.

Try super simple songs clean up for tidying.

Jumbo chalk is good and a chalk board depending on your weather. You can buy. Ream of paper and pens pretty cheap. A magnifying glass (kids version!) Will be good so he can look at bugs in the garden.

Definitely agree if you love something hide it away! Don't leave pens or make up out, got a favourite mug put it up high! Anything that needs to be kept intact and you can't lose bits of but it away when your not using it. Kids can do stuff in seconds without you noticing.