Soon to take in a 4 year old, any advice?

[lunarice]

I won't get into the situation but my nephew is coming to stay with my parents and I. I'm 18 and in full time online college, and my parents have full time jobs. He is 4 and I figure I will be the one taking care of him most of the time. Does anyone have any tips as to how to take care of a child? Should I be child proofing the house? I also am not sure if I should ask for a babysitting rate from my parents. They aren't taking any time off. Is there anything I should be looking out for in consideration to how developed a 4 year old should be?

I've been talking to some parents I know who say that you should pay attention to a 4 year old pretty much 100% of the time, which worries me because sometimes I am in meetings and preoccupied. He has been in day care previously but my parents are not looking to put him in one at this time. He is not in pre-school as of yet. Any help would really really be appreciated, as I am truly unfamiliar in this topic being that I am the youngest of my siblings and have only babysat nieces and nephews sparingly before this.

@byebyeboyee

I would tell him you have a special door that opens when he says the magic words but will always be open when he's scared or needs you. Make up silly words to make the door open. If you have problems doing things like brushing hair make it fun I tell my kid the hairbrush is hungry and eats knots I go ummm nom nom nom. Also self affirmation is great get him to big himself up I am so brave so smart etc.

Make sure if he is getting crabby that he gets a quiet time, get him to read a book etc set up a fort in his room.

4 is hard it's smarter than 3 but not close enough to 6, just don't expect to much. When my kid has a tantrum we move away from the area, be calm, try counting and breathing, distraction and if worse comes to worse throw them over your shoulder and go somewhere else with them.

Thanks so much for these tips. I've started writing down the stuff everyone's posting so I don't forget. Thank you again.

Your four year old nephew will surely need a lot of attention, moreso as he seems to have had an upsetting childhood to date. Which really means, that he will need a kind of Mother figure,plus Grandparents attention big time. He needs to get help learning a few little things each day, and not left alone at this stage. This does not seem to be possible,the way your household has to be run, so something has to change somehow.

It is good that your parents have taken this child into your home because of some problems, but he is a small child, and not an object, that you just place somewhere, and clean sometimes. Your parents attitude is very odd and offhand about how to deal with everything, and now you have to worry about all this, which is completely wrong for you. Big family discussion is needed, as you are talking about a small boy and his wellbeing here.

@byebyeboyee

Also patience try and listen and don't interrupt sometimes it's hard as you just want them to get to the point. But be strong too don't let them walk over you. Agree with your parents what the discipline is generally sitting on the naughty step for like a minute or two.

Try super simple songs clean up for tidying.

I'll be careful about the interrupting. I understand kids can take a little longer to get to the point, trip over their words, get lost in the sentence haha but yes! Also can't let him walk all over me. I'll ask them about discipline. I've now bookmarked the traditional clean up song I always heard as a kid!

You can also set tasks, find me 5 red things, put this in the kitchen , collect 10 leaves, jump 4 times. Hide coloured plastic balls around the house for a treasure hunt or other stuff. Kids love being helpful and praised. But they need their brain working too at 4 I think it's numbers to 20 , colours, shapes, animals, household items, basic letter formation, weather, road safety , food are main topic and emotions/family. (So used to teach 4 year olds but in Spain). Ask him questions he knows the answers to it will make him feel good. In the morning ask him what the weather's like today, make sure he has control of something in the day like peanut butter sandwich or ham sandwich (not loads of choice) milk or water that sort of thing.

He might have imaginary friends or develope some totally normal! Interact with them , it's fine to say their invisible etc or act like their sort of real it's part of play but don't let him blame them for naughty things or bring them real food/treats.

@byebyeboyee

Jumbo chalk is good and a chalk board depending on your weather. You can buy. Ream of paper and pens pretty cheap. A magnifying glass (kids version!) Will be good so he can look at bugs in the garden.

Ooh I have some chalk. It's been pretty snowy lately though, but I also have this big white board that I plan things on in my room, I have plenty of colors for it. I've written down magnifying glass, hopefully my parents let me get these things though

@1forAll74

Your four year old nephew will surely need a lot of attention, moreso as he seems to have had an upsetting childhood to date. Which really means, that he will need a kind of Mother figure,plus Grandparents attention big time. He needs to get help learning a few little things each day, and not left alone at this stage. This does not seem to be possible,the way your household has to be run, so something has to change somehow.

It is good that your parents have taken this child into your home because of some problems, but he is a small child, and not an object, that you just place somewhere, and clean sometimes. Your parents attitude is very odd and offhand about how to deal with everything, and now you have to worry about all this, which is completely wrong for you. Big family discussion is needed, as you are talking about a small boy and his wellbeing here.

I'm thinking of trying to get one of my older sisters (who isn't the mother) to support me in approaching my dad about it, but at this point it feels like I'm just going to wait for them to see how it really is. I'm still going to try to care for him though. I feel like this is a really important time in his life.

It's sweet you can share the song 🥰 I know I have you loads of info but it means you know more about kids his age and once he arrives you can be serious with your parents (not in a horrible way) but it sounds like there's some denial. Since they raised you I'm sure they will step up, but don't let them use you pitching in a bit is fine but you can't raise your nephew with sacrifice and you shouldn't have too.

@byebyeboyee

You can also set tasks, find me 5 red things, put this in the kitchen , collect 10 leaves, jump 4 times. Hide coloured plastic balls around the house for a treasure hunt or other stuff. Kids love being helpful and praised. But they need their brain working too at 4 I think it's numbers to 20 , colours, shapes, animals, household items, basic letter formation, weather, road safety , food are main topic and emotions/family. (So used to teach 4 year olds but in Spain). Ask him questions he knows the answers to it will make him feel good. In the morning ask him what the weather's like today, make sure he has control of something in the day like peanut butter sandwich or ham sandwich (not loads of choice) milk or water that sort of thing.

Thank you especially for all the suggestions. I'm getting a lot of a clearer picture on child care now, even if I still don't really understand at all lol. I'll note all of this :)

I would look on Facebook market place for things and wait and see what he comes with. Your better off getting stuff slowly and not all at once. Like he gets bored of the cars bam what's this a magnifying glass a week goes by oh your bored wowo look blocks. Then he will probably figure out he can use the magnifying glass inside. Don't worry about getting lots of stuff maybe buy some cheap things but toilet roll becomes telescopes, bowls are baths for toys etc

With behaviour charts you tend to work towards something so he can get a new small thing each week or a activity.

Sorry the learning stuff is he can count with help maybe to twenty so always ask how many things there are or count together, colours can you find something blue, ask what shape things are, road safety how do we cross the road? Is the light green or red.

Sorry I was more listing things he should know, so you can comment on these things and he will probably have some idea, alphabet too.

@byebyeboyee

It's sweet you can share the song 🥰 I know I have you loads of info but it means you know more about kids his age and once he arrives you can be serious with your parents (not in a horrible way) but it sounds like there's some denial. Since they raised you I'm sure they will step up, but don't let them use you pitching in a bit is fine but you can't raise your nephew with sacrifice and you shouldn't have too.

Yes thank you for all the suggestions:) It's all really helpful. This is the song: And yeah, I keep trying to sit them down but they just won't see it my way. Thank you for the encouraging words, I'll try to get more support from my siblings in this as well.

I have to go to bed. Good luck! Also don't forget about Blippi (hes worth watching) he will give you a good idea about what he will be interested in and what you can talk about.

@byebyeboyee thank you!!:)

Is there any flexibility in your parent's work hours so that they can work later and have time carved out in the day? V. You sound amazing by the way. Safety wise, lock any bleaches, detergents away, make sure he knows not to touch the cooker, window locks on upstairs rooms and remember kids can climb! Play dough, characters/superheroes, books, balls. If you can pick up a cheap second hand bike or scooter, kids love those (need a helmet). Double sheet the bed at night (mattress protector, sheet, mattress protector, sheet) as quicker for accidents. What they really want is attention - they can play on their own, but all day is a lot to expect. He's might be frightened and rejected and act out - lots of warmth, love etc. The problem is, from what you've said, is that the more YOU do the right thing, it feels the more your parents will push back and let you, rather than help you. I think he may benefit from some routine - could you try to map something out with parents (obviously this will change, but forces issue of times each adult is "responsible" for him). I'm worried he will feel like he is always being dismissed. Your parents are minimising your concerns and putting you in a very difficult position. It sounds hard to set boundaries with them as you sound more invested in the child than they do. Oh and I'm probably stereotyping, but 4 year old boys like snacking! A lot. Good luck OP. He is lucky to have you in his corner.

Look at the end of the day, the child will be safer and in a better spot with you guys. You all can try to take care of him on some kind of rotation, so example I'm sure both your mom and dad take a lunch break or have breaks between meetings in the day. They can stagger those to cover more time with the toddler. Make sure he has a routine for the day. Up, breakfast, independent play, then arts/painting, someone take a break to get him outside for 30 mins, tv for a little bit, lunch, quiet time (like a nap but not), snack, play, quick run out again 30 mins, bit of tv, dinner, bath, bed. Then at the weekends you can all spend tons of time with him. It not ideal but me and my husband did it for 6 months with a 2 year old due to COVID earlier this year both working full time from home, and it's doable. Even if he doesn't have a caregiver giving him direct attention daily Mon to Fri, if he's better off with you so be it. Being warm, fed, safe from violence etc is more important than being totally stimulated.

And to the person up thread saying a kid can't move in to a house with 3 adults in it? Where on earth do you get that idea from?!

A short google into adoption/child care law in Missouri tells me it could be real. Im not sure why you're so adamant its not.

Why are so adamant it might not be real? Plenty of families are 'under the radar' even in this country yet even more so in the US where it could be perfectly understandable that, for whatever reason, a child might go to live with their grandparents for a few months. There aren't social workers on every corner watching where people live . If the child isn't at school no one might 'notice' that he's even moved.

Without wishing to sound alarming, in this situation I'd be reading all I could about trauma-informed parenting, and preparing for a bumpy ride. A lot of these responses, while really helpful, are focused on practical needs, and while those are certainly important I think you need to be very aware that even if everything had been rosy up to this point in this child's life, the very experience of being uprooted would itself be intensely unsettling and could cause major changes in behaviour. If he's already experienced other difficulties in life (which it sounds as though he has), then that goes even more. It's unlikely to be quite the same experience as parenting a four year old who's grown up with you, and could be very intense. This would be totally normal and absolutely not his fault, but if your parents are essentially hoping to fit him in around other things then I suspect it may be an even bigger shock than everyone here is already anticipating.

You might want to make a post on the adoption board to get the advice of posters there who have supported children with this sort of transition; I bet they'd have ideas. Good luck.

I can't offer much advice other than to say that you sound amazingly mature for 18. I think your parents are lucky to have you never mind your nephew. My 21 year old DD wouldn't entertain doing this! You must try to maintain your education. I presume your synchronous sessions are not often but the reading you are expected to do is more substantial. Otherwise it's not much of a qualification is it?

This all sounds very concerning.

This four year old is being removed from his mother and sent to live with other people. He has had I presume a difficult experience up to now, and having left his mother he is going to be stressed and upset and have a lot of emotional needs, as well as all the "ordinary" needs a child of that age has.

An 18 year old is being left to try to do all the proper thinking through about this, as if she were the parent/grandparent.

I think it is an enormous burden on you OP, I can hardly believe your parents to be honest. I think they are being very neglectful of you and your needs as their child. I am sure they are nice people but this really isn't on.

I guess you will have to do the best you can for your DN right now, to manage the immediate emergency, but when the time is right I think you and your family need to do some serious looking at what is actually going on here?

@glasgow357 If you Google 'The Child Exchange' Reuters then you can read an alarming article about how you can just give children away in the USA, after advertising them online in some cases.

From the article mentioned above

I'm sorry OP but your parents' attitude and approach to the situation is outrageous. It is harmful to a vulnerable 4 year old. Not simply odd, but actively harmful.
If they do not realise that you can't simply transport a 4 year old away from everything he knows and loves to live with strangers and carry on as if they're looking after someone's pet, then they should not be allowed to have responsibility for him.
Foster carers and adoptors go through training and have support to understand the needs of children in such situations. Being related by blood clearly is not a substitute for this!!
Your parents risk traumatising and damaging their grandchild and need to be made to understand this.
This child needs security and to be able to develop appropriate attachments which takes time care and commitment. Your parents have stated they are not prepared to do this, so should not be taking responsibility for him.