Absolutely gutted over gender disappointment

[goodnessgracel]

Second time mum here. Just found out I'm having a boy and I'm gutted, never felt so sad. Please no judgment as I feel awful enough as it is that I just can't be happy to be pregnant.

I had a truly awful pregnancy with my DD and missed a lot of her first year due to PND. Worst thing I ever went through. Through a lot of therapy I finally became brave enough to try again. I felt this could be a healing experience as well.

What I didn't know is that I had this preconceived fantasy in my head all along. I so desperately wanted a girl with all my heart. I wanted a sister for my daughter and imagined two beautiful girls like in the movie Frozen, I must sound daft. I wanted two girls at the dinner table and two girls to talk to when they're grown. I imagined giving birth to another beautiful girl and healing from my horrible PPD and experience i had the first time. I love my daughter and I love being a mum to a girl. I know I can bond with a girl. I only realised all this once we found out the gender, that I had been cooking this all up in my head all along! Never really, critically thought about how I'd feel if it was a boy.

I'm gutted. So gutted. Afraid I won't be able to bond with him. Gutted that my daughter and him won't enjoy a close relationship as they would if I had 2 of the same. Been crying all day and I feel like an awful human being. I don't like the dinosaurs, trucks, active personality that comes with raising boys, yes its all a stereotype I am sure but each little boy I know fits it. Will he be too busy to cuddle like my daughter does, will we be close when he's older. I am heartbroken.

Please, has anyone felt this way and does it ever go away? I can't help but feel I've ruined it all.

You seem quite hung up on not having a child like your friends boy but I’m sure he has a million little quirks that his mum loves about him. He might seem a boyish handful to you but you’re not his mother and you don’t have that love for him. That deep love you feel for your daughter is not because she’s a girl it’s because she’s your child and it will be the same with a boy.

Absolutely this - you love your child because they're your child and their good traits seem to you to be the perfect ones because you love them so much. I have a friend/acquaintance from a baby group who is incredibly smug about how 'sweet and calm' her daughter is, and makes it fairly clear that she thinks we must all wish our toddlers were like her and that she pities us when we have to run around after ours while hers sits sedately. I secretly look at her and think 'oh, what a timid, clingy little thing, I'm so glad that mine is confident and adventurous...' But if she was mine I'd think she was perfect too! You've got it all backwards, you don't love your child because you like their personality, you like their personality because you love your child.

[quote goodnessgracel]@iftherewereahorseyinthehouse yes I think you're on to something. I love my DD so achingly much. I overcame such great difficulty with the PND and other circumstances and grew such a deep bond, and it's hard describing the sort of love I have for her. I love her because she's so sweet, kind, and just plain GOOFY (she quite fits in with the little girl stereotype), she's stolen my heart in a way that just makes me want to cry because it's so deep and overwhelming.

I love the feeling I got when she opened one of her xmas gifts early, a teddy, and cuddled him and fed him and stroked his head. She's so gentle and sweet and I feel like boys (sterotypically?) aren't. That feeling I want to capture because it just encompasses my love for DD in one small moment. It reminds me of when my dear nan got me this Barbie I always wanted for xmas and that feeling of sweet gentle innocence... I don't know. It's probably somewhat wrapped up in grief as well since I lost my nan last year and I miss her dearly. This goes deep. I always imagined I wouldn't care if I had a boy but I feel like I'm grieving a dream, even though it's probably a fantasy.

I imagine having my boy and he being rough and tumble like my friends DSes and not being able to share those sweet moments with him. I imagine giving my DS an action figure or something like that for xmas and him ripping up the house with it and screaming like my friend's DS does instead of feeding and cuddling a teddy. It's all so foreign, though I realise probably unfair and irrational. I don't know if I can relate or love him that deeply because I bonded with my DD over how sweet she is.

I know this all is probably rooted deep in gender stereotypes and my own experience in a family - literally an extended family - full of girls and no boys. Sorry to write a novel.[/quote]
I have three DS's and they have all loved their cuddly toys. Each one used to push a teddy around in a toy pushchair as a toddler. My 13 year old still has his teddies in bed now (as do the younger two), and all three are relatively quiet, sensitive and affectionate and well behaved. Of course they have their moments of charging around with nerf guns and so on, but it's not every day and is mostly when friends come to play, any girls included.

In contrast I can think of some incredibly demanding little girls who seem like very hard work, girls are not all quiet and sweet. There are some quite mischievous pre-teen girls in our social circle! The fall out in friendships between some of the girls every year in late primary school makes me very glad not to dealing with that! As a teacher myself, there are delightful girls and boys and also girls and boys who are more challenging to manage. Not true that boys are all more energetic.

I also come from a long line of lots of women, although I have a brother too. My grandma makes no secret of the fact that she kept having babies until she had a girl and I have always found that so sad to hear and I wonder what my uncles make of it. The expectation of care etc. that falls on my DM is higher than on her older brothers and I hate that and know my DM finds it unfair too. Most living in the same town so no need for the 'boys' to be expected to do less. To be fair to them they step up and do their bit but my DM is often burdened with stuff first and has to delegate. What I'm getting at is that expectations of girls can be out of date and unfair too e.g. 'always close to their mum' and a 'best friend.' Not necessarily true.

I still have a good relationship with my brother ( I am the older sister ) 2.5 year difference and we got on most of the time as kids as well apparently I was very protective when he was born and got everything he wanted for him so he was a lazy talker and mover etc
We certainly don't fight as much as my 2 boys do ,

I have 3 DS's and I secretly felt like this when I found out I was having a third (and final child) which really, really shocked me. It comes out of the blue and doesn't make sense but it happens. I'm not girly at all myself btw despite being one of 5 girls but I had still had this nagging feeling I would miss out on a close mum-daughter relationship. Once your son is born, you'll see them as their own unique personality and you'll make peace with it all. My third has ended up being the easiest baby of them all and I wouldn't swap him for the world. I do get it though, it's crazy and not rational thinking but the feelings are very real. Just give it time.

I have a girl followed by a boy. My son (6) is the most affectionate, hilarious, entertaining, sweet, loving child and I am mad about him, as I am my daughter.

Take some time to adjust. I was also crying for my daughter when I found out because she'd never have a sister, but they are the best of friends and have such fun together.

Be thankful you have a healthy child - and boys are wonderful!

I know someone who had the same sex a fourth time, and knew it was her last. She was upset when pregnant, but has been actually more besotted with that particular baby that any previously!

I think your experiencing anxiety of the unknown.. manifesting In creating scaneios for how you feel disappointed.

I think you are scared of this new baby coming and that you have no control over what to expect and have to get used to it all over again without knowing how to adjust because you are worried he is going to be very different to his sisters first year.

He is going to be more or less exactly the same.. in terms of baby demands and stages. You are going to cope fine..

And you are really going to enjoy the dynamic between them and going to love your little golden family.

You are creating fantasies to project unto the situation to justify your fear and anxiety..

Don’t. Fear is normal. You went through a hard time first time round and you want to feel like you can do it well this time and want some control and familiarity.

Have faith in yourself. You are going to fall in love with him the moment you set your eyes on him. For now, don’t overthink it

Ah op it will be fine! I had a boy and thought my second was a boy and when it was a girl I was shocked! You move on quickly, it will be fine!

When I found out I was expecting my son I felt similar OP. I already had a DD, had grown up with my sisters and female relatives. I didnt have a clue how to raise a boy and didnt think I would bond with him.

I didnt raise these fears with my midwife or partner and I developed PND for the first year of his life. It was horrible. I still feel guilty now and he is 4

What you said about them not being as close isnt true. My DD is nearly 6 and DS has just turned 4, they have their own bedrooms and every night without fail I come up to see them snuggled up together in bed. They fight like cat and dog some days but their bond is like no other I have ever seen. They make each other laugh hysterically, they protect each other and they are so so close it melts me seeing them. I had the Sam's fears as you OP and mine adore each other

He melts me too. I still dont know how to raise a boy but I'm going with the flow. I was so so worried about having a little boy in my life and now hes here every day I look at him and I'm thankful for him

You'll all be ok I promise x

You needs to discuss this with your mw. It's not normal to feel this intensely over this and your previous pnd is a red flag for anxiety issues

@goodnessgracel - when you are worrying about going from one child to two, just remember all the skills you have learned as a mum so far - you won’t need to learn them again for the second baby, and you’ll find that all the little tips and shortcuts you have learned will help you cope with a newborn and a toddler.

You will be fine, I promise.

My ds was such a cuddle monster. I really hope you find your way, and love your ds as much as your dd.
I remember being terrified about having a second baby. How on earth could I love another as much as my first. But you do. The love isn't diluted, it's just the same but shared.

Ahhh please please don’t be disappointed! Having a boy is wonderful! (I have both girls and boys)
Other people boys just don’t compare- they come across as annoying and mental a lot of the time. But your own boy will be totally different.
Generally speaking they are the most loving, cuddly, innocent and will look to you like you are their sun moon and stars (in a different way to your daughter)
It will be an amazing experience for you and your daughter. Please don’t be upset.
I felt the same in some ways as my first was a girl too, but now I am so so glad I got to experience a boy and actually feel quite sad for other mums who had only girls

I haven't read all the responses but on your comment about closeness, there's no guarantee two girls will be close. My best friend and her sister despise each other and always have.

And re the temperament of girls, there's no guarantee of that either. My DD is a right little scamp, she charges around the house, wrestles and loves tractors

I had a DD then 2 DSs. DD is the least cuddly or gentle of the three. She’s also the most wild, active, sporty, can’t sit still child I know. My boys are different from each other too. One is crash bang wallop and the other is sweet, soft and gentle. Both are cuddle monsters and adore their mummy. I love my daughter more than life but I also love being a mum of boys.

I felt the same in some ways as my first was a girl too, but now I am so so glad I got to experience a boy and actually feel quite sad for other mums who had only girls

Please don’t. I see my girls as people, not gender. I am perfectly happy i got to “experience” two little personalities, and I don’t feel that one of them not having a penis makes a bit if difference. I’d still have my funny, clever, talented child regardless of genitalia.

I have a girl and a boy. Growing up I always wanted a daughter, and although I would have been thrilled with either sex when pregnant with my first child, I was over the moon when we found out we were having a girl. We didn’t find out the second time as I genuinely had no preference, after suffering a loss it just didn’t seem important. I did always picture two girls though, I have lots of nieces and it’s just what I’m used to and I loved the idea of DD having a sister.

Fast forward to now and DS is still really little but I love the absolute bones of him. He is the sweetest little boy, much cuddlier than DD (who is a daddy’s girl and doesn’t give me the time of day). I have limited experience so far but DD was quick to roll, crawl and walk whereas DS is much more laid back. I would have loved another girl but now I can’t imagine life without a little boy, MY little boy. I hope you are able to deal with these feelings before your baby arrives, I hate when people say ‘be grateful’ because it’s all relative and you’re entitled to your feelings, but you are getting to raise both sexes which is a special thing, you are very lucky.

@AndThenTheDayBecomesTheNight

X posts.

OP, could this idea of girly sweetness be the ultimate attempt to please your mother?

This seems likely - your relationship with your mum doesn't sound great and to be honest some of her opinions are pretty shocking . Don't let her attitudes spoil your future relationship with your boy, remember although he will definately have his own personality, these expectations of male/female behaviours are taught to a great extent. As so many pp have said, their boys are cuddly/affectionate/etc all the things you find so important with your dd. How is your partner feeling about all this, perhaps he can help you , and certainly visit your gp.

Oh but boys are great too! Such luck to have one of each and you will adore him just as you do your daughter. My son is very cuddly. So’s my daughter. They have a great sibling relationship.

I never quite understand these projections where people invent imaginary futures for their children

You could have 2 girls that are nothing alike, don't get on and end up not liking each other

You could have a boy and a girl who are best friends

I don’t either. Always makes me wonder how people with such rigid conditions for their own personal happiness would cope if their preferred gender child’s life deviated at all from the very specific path/ vision they have in their heads. Because no kid on earth could possibly live up to that so disappointment and unhappiness seems like the only inevitable outcome 😢

That deep love you feel for your daughter is not because she’s a girl it’s because she’s your child and it will be the same with a boy

This is great.

I have two sons OP, 5 and 3. Yes they do run about and shout and one of them bloody loves dinosaurs. But one of them loves frozen and Disney princesses. And both of them are so cuddly. They love nothing more than being close to us. This evening I had 5yo next to me, linked arms and stroking my hand. 3yo was on my lap cuddled up. You need some support for such a strong reaction as others have said.

And remember newborns are newborns, regardless of their sex. It feels so big and real but the fears are just fears, not realities.

Instead of trying to bat these feelings away or tell yourself you are awful for having them, try sitting somewhere quiet and letting yourself really feel them, without judgement. Feel where they are in your body. Have a good cry if you have to. I think you're still grieving the time you feel you lost with your daughter, and didn't even realise until now you were basically hoping for a do-over. That's ok. Let yourself grieve.
And get further support now so you are able to enjoy that time when your son arrives. X

You should talk to your midwife or obstetrician or whoever medically in charge and see if you can get booked in for evaluation because the Intensity of your feelings with your history is incredibly concerning

You sound like you’re basing a lot on your friend’s boisterous DS, which is a very small sample size! Any child can throw toys, that’s a parenting issue, not a sex issue. My DS does not throw toys as he damn well knows what the consequence will be. He prefers to play quietly with his trains, acting out scenarios for hours anyway.

My nephew bounces off the walls..... so does my niece. I come away utterly exhausted after an hour with them. A pair of whirlwinds. I can only assume this is because my brother and SIL tolerate this behaviour and are ok with it. I couldn’t live with my kids being like that 24/7. Yes, some kids are livewires, but a bit factor is parenting style too.

Also DS1 literally melts my heart every time he interacts with seven week old DS2. He just looks at him adoringly. He couldn’t be kinder or more gentle, and the patience he has shown while I’m dealing with the baby is more than I could ever have hoped. Boys absolutely can be sweet, gentle and loving.

Boys are lovely. I think you will love him very much when he arrives.

I was also gutted to be having a boy (for about 48 hours then I got over it) for similar fairly shallow reasons but I adore DS and wouldn't swap him for anything. (I share your feelings about other people's small boys to be honest but your own is different).

I have one of each now; they are 5 years and 10 months and DS is so sweet to DD. I think they're going to have a fantastic relationship.

Dinosaurs are actually pretty interesting. I could probably do a degree in paleontology by now. I think DD will enjoy them too 🤣