Absolutely gutted over gender disappointment

[goodnessgracel]

Second time mum here. Just found out I'm having a boy and I'm gutted, never felt so sad. Please no judgment as I feel awful enough as it is that I just can't be happy to be pregnant.

I had a truly awful pregnancy with my DD and missed a lot of her first year due to PND. Worst thing I ever went through. Through a lot of therapy I finally became brave enough to try again. I felt this could be a healing experience as well.

What I didn't know is that I had this preconceived fantasy in my head all along. I so desperately wanted a girl with all my heart. I wanted a sister for my daughter and imagined two beautiful girls like in the movie Frozen, I must sound daft. I wanted two girls at the dinner table and two girls to talk to when they're grown. I imagined giving birth to another beautiful girl and healing from my horrible PPD and experience i had the first time. I love my daughter and I love being a mum to a girl. I know I can bond with a girl. I only realised all this once we found out the gender, that I had been cooking this all up in my head all along! Never really, critically thought about how I'd feel if it was a boy.

I'm gutted. So gutted. Afraid I won't be able to bond with him. Gutted that my daughter and him won't enjoy a close relationship as they would if I had 2 of the same. Been crying all day and I feel like an awful human being. I don't like the dinosaurs, trucks, active personality that comes with raising boys, yes its all a stereotype I am sure but each little boy I know fits it. Will he be too busy to cuddle like my daughter does, will we be close when he's older. I am heartbroken.

Please, has anyone felt this way and does it ever go away? I can't help but feel I've ruined it all.

X posts.

OP, could this idea of girly sweetness be the ultimate attempt to please your mother?

I love the feeling I got when she opened one of her xmas gifts early, a teddy, and cuddled him and fed him and stroked his head. She's so gentle and sweet and I feel like boys (sterotypically?) aren't.

I absolutely know what you mean about that feeling - it's the same one I get when my toddler son tucks in his monkey every night before he gets into bed, or when he comes up to me randomly and says 'love ooo mummy', or when I told him I wasn't feeling well so he gave me his biscuit - 'you poorly, mummy', or when he strokes my tummy at the moment and says 'my brother in mummy's tummy. I like my brother'. It's a lovely feeling but it's not exclusive to girls!

My daughter and her brother have a great bond and play together for hours doing all sorts of games. He’s also by far the most affectionate of my children and has a great personality, really loving and funny. Having a girl does not guarantee a great bond with you or your daughter, I hope you can move past this reaction

Quit thinking about the sex and just think of this tiny, helpless baby who needs his mummy. YOUR baby. You’re the only mummy he has got!

I’m absolutely sure that as soon as they place him in your arms you will love him as fiercely as you love your DD.

I’m a bit late to this @goodnessgracel but I secretly felt similar when my baby boy arrived. I didn’t know what I was having but had a feeling. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to bond with him and was desperate for a sister for my DD and had created fantasies as well partly as I longed for a sister growing up. I instantly loved my little boy and would have never have changed him. But I still had the worries of not bonding or having the same closeness. However 2.5 years down the road I never think like that. I love him so much and we are so close. He is rough and a bit manic as little boys tend to be. But he is so loving and cuddly way more than my DD ever was.

What I’m trying to say is don’t be too hard on yourself for having these feelings. The worry of the future and how you will be with your kids is natural. Acknowledge the feelings don’t feel guilty but don’t dwell as you can’t change things. Just take comfort in the fact that you will love him just as much as your DD and have your own special relationship with him. Good luck.

Get some help. You are going to be really embarrassed that you ever wrote this one day, and possibly feel guilty because your son will be gorgeous and you have written on the internet how disappointed you are that he is on the way. I have an older girl and a younger boy just like you. Luckily I never felt the way you did about having a boy, I just felt lucky to have a 2nd after multiple miscarriages. I adore my son the exact same amount as my daughter, and what's more they are fabulous friends together. My daughter didnt need a sister in order to have a strong sibling relationship.

Boys are the best. They dont let you down when your husband does!!!!

Friend has two girls and they hate eachother. I have sister - Meh. But my boy, love him to pieces and would do anything for him and him me. Just you wait, love at first sight x

And just to add, I have one of each. Elder DD is boisterous, crazy, challenging, loves mud, cars, trains etc.
My boy (10 months) is way more sensitive than DD ever was. He’s very gentle and much more of a mummy’s boy.
There’s no saying how any of our children’s personalities will be until they grow into them!

I have 2 boys. One is a bit like you describe - very active, loves running around, climbing things. The other is much quieter and more gentle. Both are super cuddly, caring and kind. Your baby is not your friend's boys. He will have his own personality which you will no doubt love.

There's also a slight irony to the fact that one of your reasons that you feel a daughter would be better is that they have a better relationship with their mum, even though your mum sounds horrible and you say she was disappointed that you weren't girlier...

I had every sympathy for you op on your first post, as I had awful OND after my first, and hoped to make up for it with my second. Reading your following posts though has given me the rage.

Your DD is not here to be your best friend of your goofy companion, stop projecting crap like that onto her. And stop disliking everything about your son before he is even born. Seek help ASAP, before you start treating him like the stereotype you have in your head.

I have three boys, they are all different in their own way. They've all had toy pram/dolls/toy kitchens/dress up clothes because I didn't stop them playing with these just because they have a penis.

I can definitely empathise as I'm one of three girls and had always pictured having a daughter. Like you I was really worried that I wouldn't bond with a son or love them in the same way and I was very open in my preference for a girl (which my in-laws really struggled with as they wanted me to have a boy to continue their surname(!)) We didn't find out until birth as dh really didn't want to find out, I had a boy and I can't lie that I was really upset and disappointed at times. Fast forward three years and he is the most affectionate and loving little boy, and for all my very real fears I couldn't love him more if I tried. You're more than entitled to feel sad and disappointed and scared and to have a preference. I'm hoping that my experience can reassure you that you can have these worries and still have a really amazing bond with a boy. My mil has a sister and she hasn't spoken to her in over twenty years despite living 2 miles apart, which helped give me some grounding that 2 children of the same sex doesn't guarantee they will be close. By contrast my cousins are 1 boy and 1 girl, they're in their twenties now and still amazingly close to eachother and supportive.

Mine are in their 20s now and we’ve been talking about gender stereotyping, toys and clothes a lot (lockdown) it’s hard to distinguish them in photos from their clothes until they were 4/5
You’re the parent. You can choose to affirm gentle kind behaviour in both your children, discourage rough play in your son and encourage bravery and assertiveness in your daughter.
My son is gentle, thoughtful and was better at ballet than his sisters. My eldest DD is doing very well on her graduate scheme managing men 10 years older her. They all get on but it’s my son who is closer to his sisters than they are to each other.
I’d start to praise your dd for non typically feminine interests- show her Monsters Inc, Finding Nemo (or the current equivalent) rather than Frozen, lego rather than Polly pocket etc.

All the “just be thankful it’s healthy and gender doesn’t matter” shit isn’t really helpful when you’re feeling like this. I was exactly the same. Didn’t actually want him when I found out he was a boy.. soon as he was born it obviously changed and I love him to bits now, but it’s a valid feeling and stupid comments about being grateful you can have a healthy baby won’t make it go away.

My eldest is a girl and the next two are boys and actually maybe it’s having a sister but they are both quite gentle souls, played princess dress up and painted their nails as much as playing with trains and I get lots of cuddles. They are different obviously but still remarkably similar-especially DD and my youngest son. You will love him because once he’s here, you won’t fail to.

My son is the gentlest soul ever... sensitive, kind, curious, eager to learn and very empathetic. My daughter’s character is the type you would mostly associate with boys. Physical, confident, stubborn, loud, explosive, you name it.
Forget about stereotypes. You will absolutely love your baby boy.

Your poor son didn't ask to be conceived. Please don't fuck him up, just because your Mum did you. We each have a responsibility to sort our shit out before we bring a new life into this world.

I have two boys (and a girl) and it makes me feel so sad that you view boys this way. Yes sometimes they’re crazy and charge around the house but often it’s in a crazy hilarious way that makes me laugh at how goofy and weird they are. One of them is the cuddliest child ever who will spontaneously whisper that he loves me, whose favourite thing is a bit of one to one time with mummy and every morning climbs into bed with me for a story. The other is less cuddly but adores his cuddly toys, plays hilarious games with them and surrounds himself with them at bedtime. He creates little games with playmobil people and does funny little voices for each person. They are 4 and 3 and their own individual persons who I have spent the past few years getting to know and loving more and more.

You seem quite hung up on not having a child like your friends boy but I’m sure he has a million little quirks that his mum loves about him. He might seem a boyish handful to you but you’re not his mother and you don’t have that love for him. That deep love you feel for your daughter is not because she’s a girl it’s because she’s your child and it will be the same with a boy. If you can’t get over this please do seek therapy and more help now so that you can enjoy your beautiful boy when he comes

@goodnessgracel I haven't read the whole thread, just your posts, but I wanted to tell you that my first is a boy and he's an absolute delight. Yes he LOVES cars, trains and helicopters but he's also very gentle and sweet. Not a lot all boisterous. My second is a girl and just a few months old and he's the sweetest big brother. All he talks about is how beautiful his baby sister is and he wants to cuddle her al the time. Him and I have such a special bond and he shows me sooooo much love.

I also have two adult brothers - both of whom are in regular contact with our mother lol! Also my younger brother is my favourite person in the whole world. We're super close - Frozen close!

I have dd's and trust me, there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't wish for a boy. They hated each other growing up, I thought the toddler and baby years were bad, but by Christ the teenage years were even worse! I couldn't leave them in the same room together.

But seriously op, you need to see your gp
and start talking to a professional about it, sounds like you may need help with pnd again. It'll all be great once you meet him and your raging hormones have calmed down a bit

My DD and still is so beautiful and sweet. I love that she likes the tea parties and teddies and all that. I'm afraid a boy will be the opposite or will find these activities too "girly".

He will only think those things are ‘girly’ if he’s taught they are, and is allowed to think there are girl things and boy things.

My boys have tea parties for their toys, they play school with them, they cuddle and put them to bed, they recently held elections for the Ministry of Toys. My nine year old still takes his monkey to bed and can’t bear to part with any of his twenty or so most precious soft toys from babyhood.

You need to remember that you aren’t your friends, and that you only see one aspect of their kids. You know what it’s like to have oppressive gender expectations foisted upon you by a parent, so make sure you don’t do it with (either of) your kids.

I have 2 girls and a boy. The girls are 17 and 12 atm but growing up has been a battle and a half! They are horrible to each other, not a day goes by since they were 2 and 6 that they haven't bickered, argued, fought, screamed - you name it they've done it! But equally they absolutely love each other too. Under it all there is no guarantee they will get along!

Now, I was apprehensive about having a boy as I dont do boy things and my friend told me the love u have for a boy is different! I joking laughed this off thinking she was crazy - how can that be but my god was she right!

My boy is 4 now and he is the most adorable, loving, kindhearted and amazing little boy I could imagine. Don't get me wrong I love my girls too but I'm grateful he was born because he showed me how to recover and feel differently from when I had my girls (pnd sufferer too)

I'm now expecting my 2nd boy and I can't wait to experience the boy type love a son gives you!

Don't fear the pnd from the past - you've gotten through that and hopefully your son will help you continue moving forward too.

Xxx

A lot of this extreme reaction is prob hormones. I remember getting obsessed with things and then feeling ridiculously guilty about stupid stuff way out of proportion to whatever it was I was obsessing about. It was proper mad but it passed. Forgive yourself Boys are ace. My Ds is kind and sweet and cuddly and he's 12. My sister and I hated each other all through childhood. Drove our parents up the wall.

You talk about wanting this baby to cure your ppd & cuddle you etc yet because it’s a boy you are so gutted by him. What a lot to ask of a baby you’re already so disappointed in. Poor boy... I really hope these feelings pass quickly for you.