Absolutely gutted over gender disappointment

[goodnessgracel]

Second time mum here. Just found out I'm having a boy and I'm gutted, never felt so sad. Please no judgment as I feel awful enough as it is that I just can't be happy to be pregnant.

I had a truly awful pregnancy with my DD and missed a lot of her first year due to PND. Worst thing I ever went through. Through a lot of therapy I finally became brave enough to try again. I felt this could be a healing experience as well.

What I didn't know is that I had this preconceived fantasy in my head all along. I so desperately wanted a girl with all my heart. I wanted a sister for my daughter and imagined two beautiful girls like in the movie Frozen, I must sound daft. I wanted two girls at the dinner table and two girls to talk to when they're grown. I imagined giving birth to another beautiful girl and healing from my horrible PPD and experience i had the first time. I love my daughter and I love being a mum to a girl. I know I can bond with a girl. I only realised all this once we found out the gender, that I had been cooking this all up in my head all along! Never really, critically thought about how I'd feel if it was a boy.

I'm gutted. So gutted. Afraid I won't be able to bond with him. Gutted that my daughter and him won't enjoy a close relationship as they would if I had 2 of the same. Been crying all day and I feel like an awful human being. I don't like the dinosaurs, trucks, active personality that comes with raising boys, yes its all a stereotype I am sure but each little boy I know fits it. Will he be too busy to cuddle like my daughter does, will we be close when he's older. I am heartbroken.

Please, has anyone felt this way and does it ever go away? I can't help but feel I've ruined it all.

My lb is sooo much more intuitive to feelings & cuddly with soft toys (& us ) than our daughter ever was. I always thought I'd be disappointed with anything other than 2 girls and I was SO wrong. My boy is the absolute best and brings out a really caring side to his older sister . You're so lucky !!! Enjoy PS the clothes are crap but you can find nice ones for a little more 🤣

I get it OP. I have a DD and was convinced I was having another girl. I wanted another girl. When I found out he was a boy I was so upset. I didn't speak to anyone about how I felt because I knew I shouldn't feel that way, but I couldn't help it.

DS was born in March and I adore him. I love every single tiny bit about him. He is an absolute joy and his big sister dotes on him. I now feel so lucky to have one of each. If I could go back and change it so that I had two girls I definitely wouldn't. I hope (and expect) that it will be the same for you.

Boys and girls are as diverse as people are. Sure, gender stereotyping means boys are more likely to be shoehorned into dinosaurs and football, but it doesn't follow that this is what they all love. Fwiw, my ds was always way cuddlier than my DD, hates football, is a quiet dreamer, loves crafting - and all his (male) friends are as individual as him. Plus there's no guarantee that siblings of the same sex will get on - I think luck and personality have more to do with that.

You made me so cross !!!! .. but I'm 54 .. my daughter is my first child .. she's 23 ... I wanted another girl .. but I had a boy second time around ... boys are amazing .. you think you won't like dinosaurs and trains .. you will !!!! .. my boy is 20 now .. at Uni .. 6 feet 2 ! ... try to get a grip ..

My brother is one of my best friends and I'm 32 he's 28. We go to gigs, sports, drinks etc together and speak about lots of things supporting each other. Just to try to help with the worry you have about your children not being close when they're older. It's how you bring them up that inspires that I think, not their gender.

I have 2 the same, but I have a younger brother and I was really happy with that growing up. We had enough in common to get on well, but weren't so similar we fought over things.

He doesn't like team sports, he likes reading and computers. As children he watched whatever Disney movies I did.
Whenn we were teenagers I used to pinch his hoodies and things and tease him because he couldn't borrow my clothes. He is very sensible and always looks out for me, despite being the youngest. I was always comfortable around boys and happy to be friends with them as I knew what they were like at home, whereas my friends with sisters used to get really nervous.

I honestly think it makes life easier having a sibling of the opposite sex. Your daughter is going to love her baby brother.

@goodnessgracel

I know this all sounds extreme and I'm quite ashamed. I think it comes from my upbringing, my mum was always going off about how she was so happy she never had boys and how girls were the only ones visiting their parents in the retirement home she worked at. I struggle knowing whether or not her observation had any truth. My daughter is such a quiet, sweet cuddle bug and I just have this vision of a boy running wild around the house and slamming doors and throwing die cast trucks like my friends DS was doing last weekend. I don't think it's fair to him that I feel this way and it makes me feel awful, but I can't help this reaction and it makes me feel worse.

It does sound extreme. And ridiculous.

@iftherewereahorseyinthehouse yes I think you're on to something. I love my DD so achingly much. I overcame such great difficulty with the PND and other circumstances and grew such a deep bond, and it's hard describing the sort of love I have for her. I love her because she's so sweet, kind, and just plain GOOFY (she quite fits in with the little girl stereotype), she's stolen my heart in a way that just makes me want to cry because it's so deep and overwhelming.

I love the feeling I got when she opened one of her xmas gifts early, a teddy, and cuddled him and fed him and stroked his head. She's so gentle and sweet and I feel like boys (sterotypically?) aren't. That feeling I want to capture because it just encompasses my love for DD in one small moment. It reminds me of when my dear nan got me this Barbie I always wanted for xmas and that feeling of sweet gentle innocence... I don't know. It's probably somewhat wrapped up in grief as well since I lost my nan last year and I miss her dearly. This goes deep. I always imagined I wouldn't care if I had a boy but I feel like I'm grieving a dream, even though it's probably a fantasy.

I imagine having my boy and he being rough and tumble like my friends DSes and not being able to share those sweet moments with him. I imagine giving my DS an action figure or something like that for xmas and him ripping up the house with it and screaming like my friend's DS does instead of feeding and cuddling a teddy. It's all so foreign, though I realise probably unfair and irrational. I don't know if I can relate or love him that deeply because I bonded with my DD over how sweet she is.

I know this all is probably rooted deep in gender stereotypes and my own experience in a family - literally an extended family - full of girls and no boys. Sorry to write a novel.

I have two boys, they love cuddles, the youngest is particularly sweet, there is no way on earth any girl could be sweeter! You will love your baby boy, he will be tiny and a part of you and will need you. I had no interest in dinosaurs or diggers but I love enjoying my sons' love of them. Their cousin had no interest in these things, all boys are different, I'm sure your DD will enjoy having a little brother.

I had a DD first and I think I always thought that I would have 2 girls too. There was just me and my sister in my family and although we don't live in each other's pockets, we are close. We had a great childhood and I wanted to recreate that.

When my DS came along, I was actually ok and thought that this way I would experience both sexes.

The problem came when I had DC3 which we didn't think we would have and when he arrived (we didn't find out the sexes during pregnancy for any of them), I realised that I had held onto the 2 girls dream. I was gutted and felt very sad.

I got over it fairly quickly as he was already here and bonded with him no problem. I did actually get my girl when we decided to try for DC4 but the girls are so far apart in age that it's a different dream than the one I had.

What I think I'm saying is that you don't know what life holds. My youngest DS is 8 now and he is the sweetest one of them all. Such a caring little boy and actually the relationship that is the nicest between all the possible ones is between my DS2 and DD2.

You will love him once he's here I'm sure.

@TildaTurnip I've seen one (literally just the one) where it's been disappointment over having a girl compared to the hundreds I've seen about boys. You've got a point!

@Dinosaur19 There are some cultures where girls cause gender dissapointment. I know of ladies who have been forced to abort their child when they found out they were having a girl ,or have lied to the husband about what sex the child was in case the husband tells her to abort. The world is a sad place.

I love my DD so achingly much. I overcame such great difficulty with the PND and other circumstances and grew such a deep bond, and it's hard describing the sort of love I have for her. I love her because she's so sweet, kind, and just plain GOOFY

You love the person she is. You don’t love her BECAUSE she’s a female. You will love your next baby because of the person he is, irrespective of his reproductive parts.

Of course a boy can be sweet, kind and goofy. Why not?

But even if he is something else you’ll be saying the same about his attributes. I hope so otherwise he’ll get the raw deal simply because he’s a boy.

I get on really well with my brother. My best friend has a sister & they can’t stand each other.

Thank you all for your replies (most) of which have been lovely and constructive and have started to make me believe (and know) I'm being utterly ridiculous. I wish I had time to reply to you all individually. I love hearing from all of you with DSes and what it's like.

My mind's been a bit everywhere lately so I forgot if I mentioned but I think this disappointment is coming out as a lot of conditioning (I was raised to think mums with boys are 'unfortunate' and how 'sad' it is that the boys will never call or take care of their mums, all my life, by my own mum). She always has been displeased with me that I didn't turn out a "girly girl" (ridiculous I feel disappointed about having a boy then isn't it?). Also that I've witnessed the boy stereotypes with my friends DSes and it's scared me a bit. I'm afraid I won't be able to talk to or relate to a boy or have a close relationship with him and my mum and I always bonded over "girly" things as I do with my own DD.

My DD and still is so beautiful and sweet. I love that she likes the tea parties and teddies and all that. I'm afraid a boy will be the opposite or will find these activities too "girly". I don't know how I'll bond with him TBH. I'm afraid we won't have that sweet relationship.

I'm still quite hurt over this and I know my hormones aren't any help but I feel I have a lot of this to untangle and I don't even know where to begin. Add in the fears about going from one child to two and my anxiety is through the roof, I don't know how I can cope. Thank you for reading all this blabber and staying with me on this thread... I do appreciate it.

She's so gentle and sweet and I feel like boys (sterotypically?) aren't

Oh FFS get a grip - you're complaining that you're unhappy with gender stereotypes yet you're the one perpetuating them? It's utterly pathetic. Thousands of couples are worrying about having just one healthy baby and you're whinging about the (healthy) genitals of your second? You really need to talk this through with a therapist, I know gender disappointment is real but you need some context here.

This is so depressing as someone going through IVF who may never get to even experience being pregnant never mind having a baby.

You sound worryingly hung up on stereotypes. Why is it so important to you that your daughter is 'sweet' and gentle? Why are you unable to imagine a child can be 'sweet' and nurturing sometimes and wild and energetic sometimes? What will you do i your daughter goes through a wild and energetic phase? Have you already discouraged that sort of behaviour in her?

I really don't mean this as harshly as it will come out - there are clearly things going on with you that need attention - but I think you need to hear it. There's something quite self-absorbed and narcissistic about the way you post about her - as though she's there for you to enthuse over her 'sweetness' and 'goofiness' rather than to be her own person. Along with your idea in your OP that your second baby would serve to 'heal' you from your bad experience the first time. I think you need to do a lot of reflecting on your role as a parent and on how you relate to both your born and your unborn child, preferably with a professional.

It’s not about you and whether you would like dinosaurs or whether you’re child will visit you in you old age. You have kids to give them a life, not as an accessory to yours. Seek more help OP

She's so gentle and sweet and I feel like boys (sterotypically?) aren't

Don’t buy into this

My DS has definitely tried to breastfeed teddies. It's no more silly than a little girl doing it really it's all just copying the experiences they see around them. They don't really know they are a boy or a girl or are 'supposed' to be some way or another until you make them.

He sleeps with millions of stuffed toys and I have to stop him buying more every shop we go in.

He is the one most likely to notice if I am upset and give me a hug/ ask how I am. DD is more quiet and reserved and she doesn't like hugs much at all and never has.

I actually think it's very much for the best that you are having a boy. The level of expectation and stereotypes you are projecting on your fantasy future girl child is not a good thing at all.

What if you had a girl who is loud and noisy and likes cars? It does happen you know. My sisters DD1 doesn't like pink or dresses or dancing or baking. She likes sci fi, reading, comfy joggers and she is very messy and clumsy. She's still wonderful and she's still a girl.

I actually do think you should have more therapy and try to think about why you have these very irrational feelings and deal with them because these fantasies about what girls are seem very deeply embedded for you.

What about your DH? Or your dad? Are they not good men? Are they not men you love any are proud to know? Can't you imagine having a boy who grows up like your DH (assuming you love him)?

I have a boy and a girl. Get way more cuddles from my son! They also get along pretty well and love each other . It's very cute 🥰

You'll be ok

I was similar OP and I was ashamed but now I don't give a fuck. I have only sisters, nieces, aunties (biological, obviously uncles by marriage) and 7 girl cousins and 1 boy who was sibling to the only girl who lived a long way away and we weren't close to. I knew I'd have 2 daughters and I knew their names etc because a boy was a bonkers, alien idea to me. I did feel like dd was going to be a boy before we had the scan and felt good about it but once we did and she was a girl I felt like it was 'right' and my mindset easily changed to her being a girl.
With my 2nd pregnancy it was a girl, knew it! Knew her name, dreamed about their relationship. Considered them being polar opposites and not being friends but it was a girl. Until I laid there on my 20wk and the woman said 'boy'. I asked if she was sure and then that was it. I was GUTTED. I couldn't engage further much with the sonographer, didn't speak to my husband on the way home. Got home and CRIED . Properly cried and I'm not a crier. I just couldn't imagine a boy, what he'd look like, it sounds awful but I hated that he'd have a willy and I'd no idea what to do, how to potty train, I hated the idea of changing his nappy and I could never articulate even to myself why.
And then he was born, this alien little boy. MY alien little boy and I loved him as fiercely as I did my dd. He is more stereotypically 'boy', he jumps about, climbs and swings way more than my dd did but he will run, swing, jump into my arms at a moment's suggestion of a hug or a kiss. He loves Toy Story (as did DD), Frozen, Spiderman and Barbie. He paints his nails whenever I let DD do it. He wears his Spiderman dress up and is Ana to DD's Elsa in her dresses whenever she insists it. He touches my lipstick when I wear it and tells me he likes my pretty. He will let us put it on him but he won't sit still long enough for the job to be done so we don't. If I could post pics on here I could show you how much they love each other, they cuddle in front of the telly all the time, they jump about bashing the shit out of each other. They run upstairs to play and I pretend I can't hear the tap running alongside their cackling before he comes down to tell me he got wet 'for an accident'. They're best friends. Most importantly, he is my baby, my son and I was so afraid of having him but he is perfect. He busted my lip the other week jumping at me and I can still say that about him, despite all my pregnant fears! He is honestly just my baby and as soon as he was born I knew his sex didn't matter, he was mine.

My toddler (boy) is incredibly cuddly always wants kisses and cuddles even comes up and does Eskimo kisses. He's more affectionate then my friends girls.

Yes he has a lot of energy but he also enjoys colouring books. He has a complete mixture of toys from trains to fluffy pandas and won't go to sleep unless cuddling a soft toy penguin. We go for a lot of wooden things which are pretty neutral.

I definitely think you should speak to your GP/midwife as you can also have pregnancy depression if you have had PND then there is a bit of a greater chance. It's worth getting it checked out.