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Original poster

How To Explain To A 7 year old About His Dad Going To Prison

140 replies

Matt20 · 09/12/2020 22:25

My son is 7. He Lives with his mother (my ex) but I see him regular even with Covid and he means so much to me.

Anyway I am back in court for sentencing after Christmas and am almost certain to get a prison sentence. I have kept all this from him ad my ex but have to decide if I tell him what is going on and what I tell him.

I have thought about telling him that I am going away to work but am sure he would figure it out or that my ex would tell him so I think its better for me to tell him and try and explain it to him.

I don't really know how to explain it to him and don't want him to think bad of me or not want to see me or anything like that. I don't even know if it would be possible but I don't even know if I would want him to visit me.

I was in trouble before when I was younger but haven't really talked to him about that. My own Dad was in prison when I was younger but I didn't see him and didn't want to due to how he had treated my Mum. Thngs are different with me but definitely don't want that to happen.

Hoping to get advice on what to do and especially if anybody else has had to deal with something like this..

OP posts:
Sunmoonstars77 · 09/12/2020 23:38

Sorry to hear of your difficult situation. Be honest with him is your best bet. As you said, if your ex tells him the truth and you've told him a different story then he will be confused. He is your son, he will love you no matter what.

FamilyOfAliens · 09/12/2020 23:42

You could contact these people - I bet they’re asked those sort of questions every day.

www.prisonersfamilies.org/

SoddingWeddings · 09/12/2020 23:46

Contact these guys for some advice: www.prisonadvice.org.uk/pages/category/for-children

Or the Prison Reform Trust, Barnardo's etc. They all with with families where a parent is in prison.

I'm sure you'll want to break the cycle of son following father to prison, and to protect your son and give him the best start in life, it's best if you speak to the experts on this one.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

7 year olds Families General parenting
notdaddycool · 09/12/2020 23:47

I think you need to tell him and your ex. She shouldn’t hear it from him and will have a whole lot of extra parenting to do because of it and questions to answer and it’s best she is prepared. Make it as easy as you can for her and hopefully she can help your relationship with him too.

notapizzaeater · 09/12/2020 23:59

You def need to tell them both the truth, if you tell them you're away with work she will still be expecting you to come home at some point, likewise if there was an emergency she would be expecting you to come back.

Phiphi123 · 10/12/2020 11:51

Be honest in a way that he can understand and think about making him a little book/comic strip explaining it so that he can refer back to it while you are away.

I work with kids going through tough times and I make books like this for them all the time. He will want to read it again while you are away. It doesn’t have to be a masterpiece just doodles with simple but factual information. Off the top of my head something I might write would be-

“This is daddy and this is little boy. Little boy lives at home with mummy and sees daddy on .... Daddy did some things that were not ok and got in trouble with the police. Daddy is very sorry about this and he had to go and see the judge who is a bit like a wise owl and decides what should happen to grown ups when they do things that are not ok. The judge decided that daddy has to go and spend some time in a place that is a bit like time out for grown ups, called prison. He will have a bedroom he has to stay in and will spend time going to lessons and doing exercise when he is not in his bedroom. He will miss you very much and will think about you every day. When daddy has come home you will get to see him again. This story book is private and you should only tell very special people about this story”

BosomHoik · 10/12/2020 11:59

My stepdad went to prison when I was about 9. Mum told us he was working away, then she told me (the eldest) he was in prison for not paying taxes... (I later was told the truth ie it was actually for robbing banks! Shock)
It’s fine - kids deal with things and just accept them. Be honest but obviously depending on the crimes, maybe don’t go into details/leave it vague if you can.

SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 10/12/2020 14:10

Be honest and tell your ex ASAP so she has time to sort out childcare.

Original poster
Matt20 · 10/12/2020 20:15

@Phiphi123

Be honest in a way that he can understand and think about making him a little book/comic strip explaining it so that he can refer back to it while you are away.

I work with kids going through tough times and I make books like this for them all the time. He will want to read it again while you are away. It doesn’t have to be a masterpiece just doodles with simple but factual information. Off the top of my head something I might write would be-

“This is daddy and this is little boy. Little boy lives at home with mummy and sees daddy on .... Daddy did some things that were not ok and got in trouble with the police. Daddy is very sorry about this and he had to go and see the judge who is a bit like a wise owl and decides what should happen to grown ups when they do things that are not ok. The judge decided that daddy has to go and spend some time in a place that is a bit like time out for grown ups, called prison. He will have a bedroom he has to stay in and will spend time going to lessons and doing exercise when he is not in his bedroom. He will miss you very much and will think about you every day. When daddy has come home you will get to see him again. This story book is private and you should only tell very special people about this story”

That;s a great help - would never have thought have doing something like that. It makes sense to me. I was in the Army and he used to love any book with a soldier in it and say that's like you and all that. It seems a really good way of putting things and it doesn't sound so bad. I like the last bit as well. I would hate it if he got a hard time at school or anything because of me and what is going on.

Thanks for the other posters and links as well. Didn't realise there was so much things like that out there if you know where to look.

Just like I thought it seems to be the best thing to tell mt ex and him. I am getting sentenced n the second week in January so will tell my ex before Christmas and let him enjoy Christmas but will tell him after that assuming I can sort things with my ex.

I don't know itf it even will be possible betweenn Covid ad my ex but what do people think of a 7 year old visiting me i prison? Is it a good idea. I know if I tell him the truth I wouldlove to see him but don't know if it would be a good thing for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Matt20 · 10/12/2020 20:17

@BosomHoik

My stepdad went to prison when I was about 9. Mum told us he was working away, then she told me (the eldest) he was in prison for not paying taxes... (I later was told the truth ie it was actually for robbing banks! Shock) It’s fine - kids deal with things and just accept them. Be honest but obviously depending on the crimes, maybe don’t go into details/leave it vague if you can.
Did you get to go and see him when you got told where he really was? If you did how did you feel about that as a kid?

How did things go between you when he got out or did he come back home?

OP posts:
JackyFrost · 10/12/2020 20:46

Hi @Matt20, I work with offenders and their families. Please whatever you do don't lie to your little boy and say you are working away. Children are smart and if someone else tells them you are in jail, he wont trust you to be truthful. You sound ike a caring dad who loves his boy. Just tell them the facts like in the story above. I would say a visit to prison is fine, its just a big building. The hall is usually done up with colours and toys. Its more detrimental not to see daddy surely?

Good luck for the future

notapizzaeater · 11/12/2020 00:03

I'd make the decision whether to have visits (ex might not be willing) dependent on sentence.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 11/12/2020 00:58

I know some children who spent years visiting their Dad in prison. Obviously it's not ideal, but it wasn't traumatic for them.

How long do you think you'll be 'in' for? Because I think that would be part of my decision process.

Also how violent the crime was & how likely this is to happen again.

Original poster
Matt20 · 11/12/2020 17:34

Been told to expect something around 2 to 3 years. I know I should only have to serve half but it still feels like a log time anyway never mind not seeing my son for that length of time.

I am going to tell my ex over the weekend. I don't know how she is going to react or what she will think about him visiting me.

Not proud of what happened but too late for that now. Hadnt been in trouble for years but have previous for something similar when I was younger so that goes against me.

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 12/12/2020 01:03

I hope it goes well for you, OP. Whatever mistakes you have made, it sounds like you're a really caring dad who wants to do the right thing by his son. I hope that your ex will work with you to support your son in dealing with this.

Good luck with the sentencing.

Kanaloa · 12/12/2020 01:04

Sorry for your situation, it sounds so difficult. I agree heing honest with him is best. As you’re expecting to go to prison for more than a year I would think it would be best if he visits you if this is possible, otherwise he could feel estranged from you.

I also think a pp’s suggestion to speak to the experts around you and try to plan how to break this cycle is best. I know how difficult this is, I ended up in a similar situation to my mother (not jail though) and it’s so hard to break the cycle.

I actually saw a children’s programme about a dad going to jail mentioned somewhere but I can’t find a link - possible cbbc. Maybe looking for a child friendly programme on youtube would be a good conversation starter.

Remaker · 12/12/2020 01:10

I’m in Australia and here there is a charity called Shine for Kids which supports children who have a parent in gaol. They have special kids visiting rooms set up with toys and activities where the parents are supported to interact and play with their children when they visit.

I hope there is something similar near you. Best wishes to you.

tinselandlights · 12/12/2020 07:02

There is lots of support for families with a parent (usually a dad, let's be honest) in prison - like the charities mentioned above.

I used to work with a charity who donated activities to prisons for their family days, so children could have something to do while their parents talked.

Depending on your relationship with your ex, you might think and talk about what impact it will have on her and your son, and how you might help. For example, is there a member of your family who might help with the visits so it doesn't all fall onto your ex? She won't be getting any maintenance payments for your son when you're inside either so telling her while being aware she's likely to be less than thrilled, might help.

She's unlikely to be delighted but there is support for families, if you still get on ok you could make a plan of action together about what you'll do.

Copperblack · 12/12/2020 07:48

Do tell your child soon. I’m a foster carer and I’ve looked after a few children whose parents have gone to prison. A couple of them had seen their children the day before sentencing, said nothing and then disappeared. It was much harder for the children who hadn’t got to say goodbye or ask any questions.

Original poster
Matt20 · 27/12/2020 19:15

So telling my ex turned out to be a disaster. It didn't go as planned at all. She took everything badly and didn't want me to see my son and used the lockdown as cover for it. We had a row and she ended up telling me that she would call the police if I did come so I didnt as that would be a disaster. Spoke to myy son on the phone so didnt think I could tell him like that so just didnt say anything and now wish I did because I am thinking of what she will probably say. Just sick of it now

OP posts:
fib11235 · 29/12/2020 07:17

Write him out the story the other poster suggested above and send it to him. It will be your words in your handwriting that will matter to him most. If needs be you can send it to a grandparent/friends address. The important thing is to tell him in your words. You can always try to talk or see him again once ex has calmed down but important thing is to get your words across to him in the first place, sooner rather than later.

Neversleepingever · 29/12/2020 08:10

What will your sentence be for?

I worked with a little.boy who was terrified the police were going to kidnap him and put him in jail for not brushing his teeth long enough for example and had terrible anxiety because he was told his uncle went to jail for doing something bad.

The story is an excellent idea but it needs to be a bit more specific in terms of what gets you in jail. For example if it was drugs, the Dad could have taken some magical mushrooms that his friend gave him and even though he knew he shouldn't, he ate them cause they were yummy etc..

Rainbowqueeen · 29/12/2020 08:19

I’m sorry it didn’t go well with your ex. Can you write her a letter telling her how you would like to handle things with your son and giving details of the organisation’s that PPs have listed and ask her nicely if she can use these to help your son.

I’d still write the story for your son. Can you find out if you will be able to send him mail etc now and buy some birthday and Christmas cards to take in with you so you can send them to him at the right time.

AccountCreateUsername · 29/12/2020 08:58

Neversleeping! OP can’t say that! You sound like you’re tripping! 🤣

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