How To Explain To A 7 year old About His Dad Going To Prison

[Matt20]

My son is 7. He Lives with his mother (my ex) but I see him regular even with Covid and he means so much to me.

Anyway I am back in court for sentencing after Christmas and am almost certain to get a prison sentence. I have kept all this from him ad my ex but have to decide if I tell him what is going on and what I tell him.

I have thought about telling him that I am going away to work but am sure he would figure it out or that my ex would tell him so I think its better for me to tell him and try and explain it to him.

I don't really know how to explain it to him and don't want him to think bad of me or not want to see me or anything like that. I don't even know if it would be possible but I don't even know if I would want him to visit me.

I was in trouble before when I was younger but haven't really talked to him about that. My own Dad was in prison when I was younger but I didn't see him and didn't want to due to how he had treated my Mum. Thngs are different with me but definitely don't want that to happen.

Hoping to get advice on what to do and especially if anybody else has had to deal with something like this..

@tcjotm

Thanks for updating. I’m glad you’re out and wish you all the best.

Maybe keep writing your son simple letters to help fill in the gaps between calls? I remember my sister was terrible to talk to on the phone at that age but she treasured getting mail, even if she didn’t respond so much. And writing to him is great for modelling literacy. It’s good for you too, writing requires good focus.

You sound like a great dad and a sensible person who has owned his mistakes. I really wish you a happy and successful future.

Yes I am still going to write to him each weekend - was told it would be a a good idea and I did just after getting out at the weekend. I liked writing to him (and my Mum too), never thought I would as I hadn't really wrote letters before but it passed the time.

@beenthereboughtthetshirt

Hello, I am a bit late to the thread but it sounds like you have made good progress. I am glad your Mum has been a tower of strength.

Mostly I am pleased that you did not lie to your son.

However much you would have thought 'it's for the best that I tell him im working away' that lie would have been something that would have stayed with him. Better to tell him the uncomfortable truth. That's part of the reality of facing up to the crime and the repercussions it would have on a child. Always be truthful with him so he knows himself that he can trust you. All of us only get one mum and one dad in this life.

You do sound a caring father to your son. Please get some anger management or therapy to help prevent anything like this happening again for everyone's sake. It will be worth it for your own mental health, your son, your mum's and ex's. You may even have some unresolved issues around your own father going to prison. Better to get it unpacked, draw a line under it and move forward.

I wish you and your son (I hope he is doing well) a very Merry Christmas and a Happy and successful New Year in 2022.

Thanks. I hared telling him but now looking back I know it was the right thing to do.

I had to do anger management in prison and there was some counselling as well but I'm not sure how much it helps. They did say I was making good progress though

@Gargellen

All the posters saying the OP is a good dad and sensible and etc. What? How? Good and sensible would be NOT causing GBH and getting sent down for a stretch!

The child will hear it from other kids at school so he must be told and no, nothing about yummy mushrooms FFS!

Some of the responses on her are incredible. What about not breaking the law and being a good father that way or is it me?

People on here have been helpful with advice to me but I know what I did was bad .

I was drunk when it happened and I was provoked but that is not any excuse for what I did. When I got arrested and got showed the CCTV I was disgusted with myself and shocked at what I did. I pleaded guilty in court eventhough I knew I would go to prison and tried to make the best of it after that.

I felt so bad for my Mum and my family especially after what had happened with my Dad and I had always promised her that I would never be like him but I know I was. I had been in a bit of trouble when I was younger but nothing like this.

People do worse than I did but get awy with it but I didn't. I got a 27 month sentence, got discharged from the Army after pleading guilty so lost the job I had always wanted and messed up things with my son and now have a criminal record for GBH.

I know why you think like that and I don't blame you - loads do. I saw the local paper about a week after I got sentenced and there was a bit in the paper about the case and the headline was something like Local Thug Cagedfor Cowardly assault or something like that (judge had said that in court) so that really made me feel like a total scumbag.

@Matt20 - I hope you and your mum have a lovely Christmas, and wish you all the best with your son in 2022

@MerryMarigold

Congratulations for getting out early! Time to rebuild. It must be difficult taking things slowly but do get all the help you can and try to avoid people who encouraged you to get into this mess. However good intentions are, you can end up so quickly back in situations which aren't helpful so please please avoid them for your sake and your son's.

This wasn't a long stint and in the grand scheme of life, it's a blip. But the main point is to stay out so you can be a great Dad to your kid in the long term and maybe even have another family in the future. Life is long! Work hard to stay out of prison and I wish you all the very best. Have a good Christmas and onwards and upwards in the new year.

I never want to go back to prison again and just want to do all I can to stay out of trouble especially while on tag and then nect year on license.

I know how easy it can happen. In there there were plenty of lads who came back for doing stupid stuff when on license and that happened my Dad too. And so many who seemed to have been in and out of prison so many times - that would kill me.

It is probably good that I am tagged and have a curfew for now as I know I would be tempted to be out and about. I know I wouldn't want to get into any bother but I know from before that things can happen. Sp for now I only go out for a while during the day and not to the pub or anything.

I never really got in with a bad crowd or anything. Most of the trouble I've been in was down to me. I do have some good mates though - also afew who I thought were mates who I've found out aren't. You do find out who your true friends are when you are locked up.

That's good news, I'm glad you're out now. Keep writing your son letters, keep that contact going. I hope you're ex allows him to visit you at your mums. Fingers crossed you get a job after Christmas, and get back on track. Do you think that it's worth giving up alcohol, so that it never happens again? If so, could you find a support group?

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

Glad to see things are starting to improve for you *@Matt20* - I agree with the advice you've been given so far, take things slow with the ex, keep up the regular letters to your son, get back on track with the child maintenance as soon as you can etc.

Did your mum get to see your son much over the last year? Or is the ex not allowing her near her grandson either?

My Mum got to see him twice during the year. My ex wouldn't be that helpful in doing even that but she does get on OK with my Mum. Thinngs were more difficult with Covidand all that. Just seeing a picture of her with him was nice.

[quote tallywag]Best wishes Matt. I hope you and your Mum have a lovely quiet Christmas together. Not sure if anyone has mentioned the support you might be able to get from SSAFA? They can help in all sorts of ways. Hope 2022 goes well for you.
www.ssafa.org.uk/[/quote]
Well hope to have agood Christmas - better than I expected. It won't be quiet though as am the oldest of 4 so 2 brothers and a sister here as well.

SSAFA are the ones I have already been in contact with because I knew of them before and they do great work eith people like me so will get back on that after Christmas

@Matt20 if the counselling didn't help try Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I did it and it is more than someone listening to you. They ask you what your perception of a situation is as opposed to what has actually happened in that situation. It helps to have someone give you strategies as to how to manage a situation better should it ever happen again and how to manage thise triggers. I found they would also correct me if i felt i was wobbling or falling down all the time. i did 12weeks and it was the best 'medicine' i ever had. My headaches went. My anxiety levelled out. It didn't make me happy but I felt the most balanced I ever had in my life.

Timpsons sounds like a good idea. They could give you a reference. Also it would be a fresh start. It would also be a job whilst you are looking for something that you prefer. Even if you just did it for 6months or a year. As the old saying goes 'It's a lot easier to get a job when you are in a job'

All the best. Glad you asked for help. It's a really positive sign. We all have a past and we all learn but it's how we move forward and manage our triggers that counts. At varying degrees this can be applied to anything in life.

All the best to you and your boy.

sorry - forgot the link to the free NHS CBT therapy

www.vitahealthgroup.co.uk/nhs-services/nhs-mental-health/bristol-north-somerset-and-south-gloucestershire/online-therapy/

It doesn't matter which end of the country you are in they help you online/smart phone/home pc day or night.

Keysonthetable
When the OPs father has done time, he has done time and is now doing time again and expecting his ex and her new partner to pay for his kid while he's inside, I judge him. Especially when he seems to think the most difficult thing about it is what to say to his child. In reality it won't be him making that decision even. That will fall to the DC mother just like everything else has.
I'm mystified by the responses on this thread.

@Gargellen - perhaps you should try reading the thread in its entirety and maybe take note of the fact that it was started A YEAR AGO and the OP has just updated, having been released.

If you're not going away for a long time, I think I'd be tempted to lie and say you're working away! You can always tell him later.
However if it's a longish sentence, you'll probably need to tell the truth- or someone else might. Loads of helpful advice already posted.
Good luck and you never know you might be lucky an not get sent away at all.

Have you thought about being alcohol free? It would ensure you are always rational and likely to walk away from trouble on a night out.

@Moon22

If you're not going away for a long time, I think I'd be tempted to lie and say you're working away! You can always tell him later. However if it's a longish sentence, you'll probably need to tell the truth- or someone else might. Loads of helpful advice already posted. Good luck and you never know you might be lucky an not get sent away at all.

This thread was started LAST YEAR. OP has done his time and come back to update.