How To Explain To A 7 year old About His Dad Going To Prison

[Matt20]

My son is 7. He Lives with his mother (my ex) but I see him regular even with Covid and he means so much to me.

Anyway I am back in court for sentencing after Christmas and am almost certain to get a prison sentence. I have kept all this from him ad my ex but have to decide if I tell him what is going on and what I tell him.

I have thought about telling him that I am going away to work but am sure he would figure it out or that my ex would tell him so I think its better for me to tell him and try and explain it to him.

I don't really know how to explain it to him and don't want him to think bad of me or not want to see me or anything like that. I don't even know if it would be possible but I don't even know if I would want him to visit me.

I was in trouble before when I was younger but haven't really talked to him about that. My own Dad was in prison when I was younger but I didn't see him and didn't want to due to how he had treated my Mum. Thngs are different with me but definitely don't want that to happen.

Hoping to get advice on what to do and especially if anybody else has had to deal with something like this..

What did you do OP?

My dad went to prison and I visited him. It was awful. Who would bring your son on the visits? That would make quite a big difference.

Just to say I've seen a thread like this before and they suggested a book. I'm sure there are different ones around.

Good luck for your court appearance

www.amazon.co.uk/My-Dads-Prison-Jackie-Walter/dp/1445161338?tag=mumsnetforu03-21
There’s books out there, you’d have to judge what would work for your boy.
It sounds like your ex is having a hard time with the info. Not an easy thing for her to hear I’d guess. You’ve had time to process, but you’ll need to give her time? Her fist reaction will be angry and upset. She’s hopefully going to calm down when she hears you just want to help your son find the easiest path through.
Best of luck with it all, the biggest thing you could do for your son is demonstrate for him people can rise up from a dark place and make changes. He could be so proud of you. Don’t give up, better days will come.

(Also, to add, one of my sons friends dads is about to go to prison for a few years. All the parents know and are rallying around the family. Obviously people aren’t impressed by what he’s done, but the kids aren’t being judged in any way and everyone’s being quite straightforward about it for them. The little boy (7) has even spoken about it in class. People can be really kind and generous sometimes....)

Hi Matt, my ex has just gone to prison so I am going through similar to your son's mother. Please do not underestimate the impact on your son and his mother. For your son to be okay while you are away, his mum also needs to be okay. Are you able to advance her some financial support to help while you are gone? Acknowledging the impact on her, both emotionally and financially, will go a long way towards influencing her approach to contact in future. You have mentioned something along these lines already, but also be aware that what is best for you, may not be best for your child. For example visiting prison or speaking to you on the phone may be emotionally triggering for your son, so letters may be best.
Contrary to what some of the posters above have said, there isn't actually much support available for the children of offenders and the parent left behind. Most charities focus on offenders, and only include family as a means of preventing reoffending.
This charity childrenheardandseen.co.uk/
is great and may be of help to your son's mum. They can also help you both with developing an age appropriate explanation for your son.

Sorry the link didn't work - the charity is called Children Heard and Seen.

Have you had a pre-sentence report done by Probation?

Wishing you and your son all the very best OP.

It's not surprising your ex took it very badly , is it? Because she#s the person left dealing with the fallout and damage you do to your child.

This is your one=off chance to tell him the truth, because if you don't he will surely one day hear from someone else in uglier terms that you're a crook who did time. He needs to know he can trust you, so don't lie to him. Keep it straight. Don't just say you were naughty, because little boys are naughty too. Don't make him worry a police man with get cross with him and send him to jail.

Whatever your crime was, put it in simple in terms a child can understand. You stole somebody's car/you got in a fight and hurt someone/ drug crime/. It was wrong,it was stupid, you shouldn't have done it/.

Then you tell him that because you are a grown up who did something wrong you are being sent to prison and will be locked up. for a while.. one day you will be let out. It's sad you won't be able to see him, but you will write him letters and send a birthday card etc.

            If  he can trust you not to lie, cheat, let him down,  that's  a start for a future relationship . Keeping in touch (even if its one-sided, all by you)  is the way to go.  Do not write letters  about "poor tragic  lonely me ", or maudlin promises to be a better dad;  no sermons. Keep it  light, talk about films he might have seen,  football, TV, or that funny dog. Can you take a book of childrens jokes with you? 

             Don't tell him about your dads past.  Don't ever let him think that having  a dad who went  to prison means the son will end up  the same way.  Above all,  don't come out  of prison in a worse state than you went in.  Keep your eyes fixed on being a better version of you when you can see him again.

             That's the end of my sermon :-)

Totally agree with @2bazookas.
My dad was a narcissist who made it all about him. What we had to cope with as his family on the outside was of literally zero interest to him. Don’t do that.

The story is an excellent idea but it needs to be a bit more specific in terms of what gets you in jail. For example if it was drugs, the Dad could have taken some magical mushrooms that his friend gave him and even though he knew he shouldn't, he ate them cause they were yummy etc..

I’m no expert, but is this really the right approach?

Been hard dealing with all this. Advice on here has been good and gave me some good ideas about things to do.

Eventually got speaking to my son but was over the phone so wasnt great. Was horrible talking him like that. He had an idea about what was happening from my ex. He got upset - no surprise - and finished up not saying the things I wanted to. Then my ex calls me and has a go at me for upsetting him and then tells me not to call again and that I am a bad influence on my son. My life is a real mess.

@fib11235

Write him out the story the other poster suggested above and send it to him. It will be your words in your handwriting that will matter to him most. If needs be you can send it to a grandparent/friends address. The important thing is to tell him in your words. You can always try to talk or see him again once ex has calmed down but important thing is to get your words across to him in the first place, sooner rather than later.

I am goig to do that any way now. Like I said I did speak to him but writing it fot him is probably good.

@Rainbowqueeen

I’m sorry it didn’t go well with your ex. Can you write her a letter telling her how you would like to handle things with your son and giving details of the organisation’s that PPs have listed and ask her nicely if she can use these to help your son.

I’d still write the story for your son. Can you find out if you will be able to send him mail etc now and buy some birthday and Christmas cards to take in with you so you can send them to him at the right time.

Thanks for the suggestion about the presents. His birthday is soon so am going to buy him some lego that he is really into and leave him with my mother who will send it to him at the time. Dont know rules about cards and that so will write one to go with the presents before next week.

@arbiebarb

What did you do OP?

My dad went to prison and I visited him. It was awful. Who would bring your son on the visits? That would make quite a big difference.

GBH. I know that sounds bad but didnt plan on what happened. My ex is using it against me but I would never do anything to hurt my son and never have.

My Mum would bring him - definitely not my Ex and I wouldn't want her to visit me either. He did ask me would he be able to visit. Doubt if my ex would even allow that. I told him that I would llike it if he wanted to but told him that because of the virus I wouldn't be allowed to have any visitors for the next while anyway.

@Sevensilverrings

(Also, to add, one of my sons friends dads is about to go to prison for a few years. All the parents know and are rallying around the family. Obviously people aren’t impressed by what he’s done, but the kids aren’t being judged in any way and everyone’s being quite straightforward about it for them. The little boy (7) has even spoken about it in class. People can be really kind and generous sometimes....)

Thanks for what you said earlier.

That way about what is happening with your son's friend sounds really good. That won't be a problem for my son as his friends at school wouldn't really know about me.

I remember getting a hard time at school when my Dad went to prison but that's 20 years ago now so looks like things have changed.

@elephantmonkeys

Hi Matt, my ex has just gone to prison so I am going through similar to your son's mother. Please do not underestimate the impact on your son and his mother. For your son to be okay while you are away, his mum also needs to be okay. Are you able to advance her some financial support to help while you are gone? Acknowledging the impact on her, both emotionally and financially, will go a long way towards influencing her approach to contact in future. You have mentioned something along these lines already, but also be aware that what is best for you, may not be best for your child. For example visiting prison or speaking to you on the phone may be emotionally triggering for your son, so letters may be best. Contrary to what some of the posters above have said, there isn't actually much support available for the children of offenders and the parent left behind. Most charities focus on offenders, and only include family as a means of preventing reoffending. This charity childrenheardandseen.co.uk/ is great and may be of help to your son's mum. They can also help you both with developing an age appropriate explanation for your son.

Good to hear what you think. Things aren't good between us.

I have been good over the years paying support. I don'y have any savings and have been off work so wont be able to pay for now. She ad her partner are both working so they should be OK. Thanks fr the suggestions as well.

@BananaPop2020

Have you had a pre-sentence report done by Probation?

Yes. Had it done before Christmas.

Hi
Sorry you're going through this.
Just wanted to share my experience and suggest something for the future.
My dad was in prison for most of my childhood. His relationship with my mum broke down, and I didn't see or hear from him for years. When he finally got out, I was an adult - basically had no relationship with him (I'm sure this won't happen to you and your son because you're obviously a loving and committed dad!). Anyway, when he was released, he told me that he had spent all those years thinking of me and wishing he could see me etc. Trouble was, I had no way of knowing if this was true, and as he was a bit sketchy, I didn't believe him. He had never got in contact with me which may have been because my mum forbid it, but I had no way of knowing. Anyway, I really wished he had kept a diary or written some little notes to me for all those years, even if he didn't send them. I thought he could have jotted down little messages or observations - what he had done that day, or that he was thinking of me, or marking my birthday or whatever - so he could have shown it to me when i was older to prove that mentally he was still with me.
So maybe when you're away you could keep a notebook of messages to him or email notes to your own email address so they can't get lost? You can show him when the time is right. It might even be therapeutic for you to do it - who knows, you might end up writing a book! You wouldn't be the first person to discover a passion for writing while inside.

It will mean the world to him if, when he's older, there's a concrete record of how much you were thinking about him.

Finally, from the point of view of the child of a prisoner, I'd say don't worry, his mum will be doing everything she can to give him a nice life and make him happy, and it sounds like your mum is on the scene too, which is great.

Soon you will be home again and ready to re-build things and have fun with your son again. It might be a long game but you'll get there because you love him.

@2bazookas

It's not surprising your ex took it very badly , is it? Because she#s the person left dealing with the fallout and damage you do to your child.

This is your one=off chance to tell him the truth, because if you don't he will surely one day hear from someone else in uglier terms that you're a crook who did time. He needs to know he can trust you, so don't lie to him. Keep it straight. Don't just say you were naughty, because little boys are naughty too. Don't make him worry a police man with get cross with him and send him to jail.

Whatever your crime was, put it in simple in terms a child can understand. You stole somebody's car/you got in a fight and hurt someone/ drug crime/. It was wrong,it was stupid, you shouldn't have done it/.

Then you tell him that because you are a grown up who did something wrong you are being sent to prison and will be locked up. for a while.. one day you will be let out. It's sad you won't be able to see him, but you will write him letters and send a birthday card etc.

            If  he can trust you not to lie, cheat, let him down,  that's  a start for a future relationship . Keeping in touch (even if its one-sided, all by you)  is the way to go.  Do not write letters  about "poor tragic  lonely me ", or maudlin promises to be a better dad;  no sermons. Keep it  light, talk about films he might have seen,  football, TV, or that funny dog. Can you take a book of childrens jokes with you? 

             Don't tell him about your dads past.  Don't ever let him think that having  a dad who went  to prison means the son will end up  the same way.  Above all,  don't come out  of prison in a worse state than you went in.  Keep your eyes fixed on being a better version of you when you can see him again.

             That's the end of my sermon :-)</div></div>

Lots of good advice there. Well I have told him the truth now and will deal with that. I really couldn't have just disappeared on him but could have come up with a story.

Never thought about what you said about writing to him and to talk about all the things he is interested in and not talking about serious stuff.

I've never told my son about my Dad being in prison. He hasn't been around since my son was born so no need to mention it before. Yeah I wouldn't want him to be thinking that me ending up in prison like my Dad could happen to him. I know he's only 7 but he is really great kid and couldnt see it happening any way.

You should have been asked in your PSR about any children, which should in turn have flagged a Children’s Services notification.

Hi @Matt20

You sound look such a loving and caring dad and you've already been given so one great advice on here.

I just wanted to flag the charity storybookdads - they help prisoners to record bedtime stories for their children. They run from a number of prisons in the UK, if you go on their website you'll be able to find out if they run in wherever you will be.

It also occured to me that if they don't support the prison that you'll be in, there is still time now before your sentencing where you could use your phone to record yourself reading some bedtime stories for your son?

Wishing you all the best

@millyme

That's a good idea about keeping the journal. Think that would be good for my son but also for me as its a way of remembering all I was thinking at the time

@hoping211

That's areally good idea. Have sent off to stepbookdads to see what can do and if they are where I think I will be going. That is a really good thing. I will record something.

My big problem now is knowing if he will get anything I send given the way things are between my ex and me.

Have you thought about writing to your ex and apologising for the situation you have put her and your child in?

I have been the ex and a sincere apology and explanation would have helped.

Also being informed of what is happening and when you get out don't expect this all to be forgotten etc.

Well thanks for the advice. I've done what I can now and did dome of the suggestios here. Getting sentenced on Wednesday so not much more I can do. Life is pretty sh*t tbh. Not much to look forward to right now.