Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

How To Explain To A 7 year old About His Dad Going To Prison

140 replies

Matt20 · 09/12/2020 22:25

My son is 7. He Lives with his mother (my ex) but I see him regular even with Covid and he means so much to me.

Anyway I am back in court for sentencing after Christmas and am almost certain to get a prison sentence. I have kept all this from him ad my ex but have to decide if I tell him what is going on and what I tell him.

I have thought about telling him that I am going away to work but am sure he would figure it out or that my ex would tell him so I think its better for me to tell him and try and explain it to him.

I don't really know how to explain it to him and don't want him to think bad of me or not want to see me or anything like that. I don't even know if it would be possible but I don't even know if I would want him to visit me.

I was in trouble before when I was younger but haven't really talked to him about that. My own Dad was in prison when I was younger but I didn't see him and didn't want to due to how he had treated my Mum. Thngs are different with me but definitely don't want that to happen.

Hoping to get advice on what to do and especially if anybody else has had to deal with something like this..

OP posts:

Cleverpolly3 · 10/01/2021 18:27

2-3 year sentence for GBH?
I’m not surprised it didn’t go down well with your child’s mother

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 10/01/2021 18:29

FFS, don’t tell a 7yo you’re going to prison

BananaPop2020 · 10/01/2021 19:15

GBH is not guaranteed custody - was it s18 or s20?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

7 year olds Families General parenting

Strongswans · 10/01/2021 19:42

@DrinkFeckArseGirls

FFS, don’t tell a 7yo you’re going to prison

Why not? The poor lad will hear it from somewhere so it's best off coming truthfully from his dad. Op even said his ds had an idea from his mum when he spoke to him. The advice from most of the professionals is to tell children what's happening. Children are very adapting and understanding generally and being told the truth stops them feeling lied to and let down when they inevitably find out the truth.

itsgettingweird · 10/01/2021 19:58

Sorry to hear things aren't great but I'm sure things will calm.

Totally agree with writing to x. Be honest. Like you have here. You know what you did was wrong, you know you've kept your ds down and you know it's not the influence on his life you wanted to be.

But do you know what? You've owned it.

People make mistakes. Good people can do horrid things but they can make right and I have every confidence you'll make the effort your son needs.

Just don't give up. Keep up sending letters and cards (via your mum) to him. Even if it's a year or two you have no contact t do not underestimate the value of him knowing you never gave up.

Original poster

Matt20 · 10/01/2021 22:07

@BananaPop2020

GBH is not guaranteed custody - was it s18 or s20?

Its section 20 GBH but with a "weapon" so solicitor says iy will be a Category 1 type where the starting point is 3 years prison. I did plead guilty so that will reduce it. I do have previous for ABH from when I was younger. So have been told to expect 2-3 years. Maybe he is giving me worse case but that's what I'm expecting.

OP posts:

AIMD · 10/01/2021 22:15

I don’t know if anyone has mentioned “the locked out leaflet” by PACT. It’s a booklet about talking to children about parents going to prison.

www.prisonadvice.org.uk/locked-out

Being truthful but giving basic simple information in a child friendly way is important. Much better to be truthful from the beginning so they understand why things are happening in the future (eg they understand why they visit their dad in a hall he can’t moved about in or why he is away from them for a long time).

I think it’ll be good to talk to them before, with their mum...rather than leaving it for her to deliver the news alone.

Contact between children and parents in prison at the moment is really difficult due to Covid meaning visits are suspended and have been suspended or very limited for a long time.
There should be some fairly support in the prison but how much support will vary between prisons greatly.

Maybe make a box with your children for them to keep photos and notes in or theings they want to show you when you come out (eg special things they did and places they went). When in prison use any opportunity you might have available to keep in contact with them because been very small things let’s children know you are ok and you are still thinking of them.

NonCisWoman · 10/01/2021 22:16

I think you need to work on getting on better terms with your ex. It isn't for her sake or yours; it's for the good of your son. He has far more to process than most kids. The last thing he needs is his parents fighting.

I agree that you should apologize to your ex for the situation you've put your son in. It will help move things forward.

BananaPop2020 · 10/01/2021 22:29

Well, whatever happens I hope it works out for you. Best of luck for the future.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 10/01/2021 22:34

I think the biggest thing you can do is to keep writing to him regularly from prison - light-hearted stuff, silly drawings, anything. Just send him your love and he’ll know you haven’t forgotten him.

Best of luck on Wednesday and with whatever happens after that.

OhioOhioOhio · 10/01/2021 22:42

You sound so sensible. Is there not a chance you could get an appeal based on the fact you have a child.

OhioOhioOhio · 10/01/2021 22:43

If you don't trust your x to let your son see your post could you send it to his school?

Cleverpolly3 · 10/01/2021 22:51

@OhioOhioOhio

You sound so sensible. Is there not a chance you could get an appeal based on the fact you have a child.

What the actual ......

OhioOhioOhio · 10/01/2021 22:53

Hardly anyone gets put in prison or black marks against their name these days. My xh didn't and my God I tried to get him prosecuted. I thought it was a fair point. If you can articulate yourself is that not half of it?

SquirtleSquad · 10/01/2021 23:00

@OhioOhioOhio

If you don't trust your x to let your son see your post could you send it to his school?

I image the boys mother will have to divulge all of this to the school and there may be a safeguarding issue here given the nature of the crimes?

Isadora2007 · 10/01/2021 23:03

All the best for tomorrow. Your son is young and will still be young when you’re home again. Try to use your time to access some education or to better yourself in some way. You’ve obviously had issues in your life with your own dad and then you’ve managed to do well in the army etc. So you can turn your life around. Write to your ex and her partner apologising for this and to your son sending him cards and funny things and maybe keep a diary.
You write well and sound like a decent bloke. I really do hope for the best for you.

froggydoggy · 11/01/2021 14:22

Good luck with everything.

There's a book called the faraway truth that my 7year old is currently reading, it may help.

The Faraway Truth https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1912626381/ref=cm swwr cppapi fabcc_T7f.FbS6HD28S?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

froggydoggy · 11/01/2021 14:24

Although I wouldn't tell my child if it were me. I'd tell him you were going away for work, he would miss you but it would be far less damaging in so many ways.

Original poster

Matt20 · 11/01/2021 20:53

He knows now so just hope he deals with it ok. I was thinking of not telling him about prison originally but figured it was better to be honest with him.

One good thing is that I was on to the prison that I think I will be going to. I found out that they are allowing Zoom calls while there are no visits. That is good for me as I dont think my ex would allow visits anyway so having zoom calls would be next best thing.

They also said there is 14 days iosolation for all new prisoners because of covid sounds pretty tough.

OP posts:

Original poster

Matt20 · 11/01/2021 20:55

@Isadora2007

All the best for tomorrow. Your son is young and will still be young when you’re home again. Try to use your time to access some education or to better yourself in some way. You’ve obviously had issues in your life with your own dad and then you’ve managed to do well in the army etc. So you can turn your life around. Write to your ex and her partner apologising for this and to your son sending him cards and funny things and maybe keep a diary. You write well and sound like a decent bloke. I really do hope for the best for you.

Thanks Think I am usually a sound lad mostly.

Might be available for dating in a year or two

OP posts:

MimsyBorogroves · 11/01/2021 21:03

I used to work with children and families who had a dad/family member in prison. You've done the right thing telling him, even if it didn't go well.

The prison you go to will likely have a family service. It's now recognised that family is the "golden thread" to help prevent reoffending and as such a lot of work goes into keeping family ties. Find out how to get an app into them.

As well as normal visits there will (Covid not withstanding) likely be family visits where you can have a morning/day (depending on the prison) with your family if you get on and isn't restricted like a normal visit - you are encouraged to get up and play, take part in crafts, etc. Again, ask on your wing when these are ans how to get an app in.

There may also be other ways to keep in touch like storybook services (where you can record yourself reading a book for your child to be sent off) or other stuff. It's much better than it used to be.

Best of luck.

thebestnamehere · 11/01/2021 21:12

@DrinkFeckArseGirls

FFS, don’t tell a 7yo you’re going to prison

Dont be daft - he is old enough to know the minimum that is needed

lockedownloretta · 11/01/2021 21:21

While you are away, you need to do some work on yourself so that when you come out you don't resort to violence. Your son needs to know that violent behaviour is not part of being a man. I have worked with children as young as six or seven whose reaction to feeling angry or sad has been to punch walls or throw things because it has been modelled to them that that is what men do.

Tangledtresses · 11/01/2021 21:36

All you need to to tell him is you did something bad and you should expect to go to prison for that... it's not good or nice thing to do
But you are paying the price for that behaviour...
tell him you love him and you want better for him you expect better from him.. he's a lovely boy, mummy has every right to be upset with me. And I will absolutely try my best to be a better man for him.

Just keep saying it
And let your nose down and do it to show him history will not repeat it's self!

Pebble21uk · 11/01/2021 21:50

Just to say I used to work for Storybook Dads and it sounds perfect for you! Do chase it up with your prison. Over 100 prisons use the service countrywide, but with Covid I think only about a thrid can record stories at the moment. (Some prisons do DVD recordings as well as CD so your children can watch you read a story)

But... they are running some other services to try and make up for restrictions - things like activity sheets which you and your child fill in and swap & they get made into a little book for them... they have sheets in them where you get to talk about yourself to each other - hobbies, foods anything - then you both get a copy so you can learn more about each other & swap answers to the same questions.

I also used to volunteer in visitor services and so checked all visitors in. It was always made as child friendly as possible... hatch canteen to buy food & drinks, children's play area etc & staff are as sensitive as possible to the fact chidlren are going to find it new and strange. Family Days are all completely child centered & even if family aren't keen on bringing children to regular visits, they are well worth looking into.

Best of luck - there are a lot of organisations within the prison to offer support in lots of different ways, it's a case of being focused and keeping on knocking on doors. Check out the support they have for ex-services as well.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread