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Original poster

How To Explain To A 7 year old About His Dad Going To Prison

140 replies

Matt20 · 09/12/2020 22:25

My son is 7. He Lives with his mother (my ex) but I see him regular even with Covid and he means so much to me.

Anyway I am back in court for sentencing after Christmas and am almost certain to get a prison sentence. I have kept all this from him ad my ex but have to decide if I tell him what is going on and what I tell him.

I have thought about telling him that I am going away to work but am sure he would figure it out or that my ex would tell him so I think its better for me to tell him and try and explain it to him.

I don't really know how to explain it to him and don't want him to think bad of me or not want to see me or anything like that. I don't even know if it would be possible but I don't even know if I would want him to visit me.

I was in trouble before when I was younger but haven't really talked to him about that. My own Dad was in prison when I was younger but I didn't see him and didn't want to due to how he had treated my Mum. Thngs are different with me but definitely don't want that to happen.

Hoping to get advice on what to do and especially if anybody else has had to deal with something like this..

OP posts:
beenthereboughtthetshirt · 22/12/2021 03:36

@MobyDicksTinyCanoe

tolerable do you need a nap? 🤔
Xmas Grin
MerryMarigold · 22/12/2021 03:55

Congratulations for getting out early! Time to rebuild. It must be difficult taking things slowly but do get all the help you can and try to avoid people who encouraged you to get into this mess. However good intentions are, you can end up so quickly back in situations which aren't helpful so please please avoid them for your sake and your son's.

This wasn't a long stint and in the grand scheme of life, it's a blip. But the main point is to stay out so you can be a great Dad to your kid in the long term and maybe even have another family in the future. Life is long! Work hard to stay out of prison and I wish you all the very best. Have a good Christmas and onwards and upwards in the new year.

DaisyStPatience · 22/12/2021 03:55

I can't believe so many posters are fawning over a violent man who went to prison for attacking someone with a weapon.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

7 year olds Families General parenting
beenthereboughtthetshirt · 22/12/2021 04:02

it's not fawning to recognise when someone accepts that they have done wrong, paying for it, trying to move on. Or to offer constructive advice to someone who is trying to be honest with his son about a very hard situation that they cannot undo.

oatmilk4breakfast · 22/12/2021 04:52

You sound like a good, kind dad, Matt. As someone whose dad just left when I was young I’m struck by your sense of wanting to do right by your boy. Keep strong.

Twinkleylight · 22/12/2021 04:58

Hello good to hear you're out in time for Christmas and hopefully you'll be able to see your son soon.

Re jobs and training, have a look at your local college for free courses and apprenticeships for adults. There are social enterprise companies that trains up ex offenders and people who've fallen on hard times. COOK is a b Corp certified business:

www.cookfood.net/info/jobs/essential-ingredients/Talent-Programme/

Also, contact organisations that work with ex offenders who used to be in the army such as:
veterans gateway

www.nacro.org.uk/about-us/who-we-support/veterans/

Ohmycron · 22/12/2021 05:29

@DaisyStPatience

I can't believe so many posters are fawning over a violent man who went to prison for attacking someone with a weapon.
I didn’t realise the sentence given by the court included being disapproved of even after you’ve served time.
BarbaraofSeville · 22/12/2021 06:04

Before I noticed it was an old thread, I was going to recommend a book I read about a film maker who served time after being convicted of fraud.

It's about his time inside, but he was also a separated parent who did what he could to maintain his relationship with his DS. If you're still interested now, its:

www.amazon.co.uk/Bit-Stretch-Diaries-Prisoner-ebook/dp/B07WHMTWLV/ref=sr_1_1?crid=318EG0FGSMGEF&keywords=a+bit+of+a+stretch+chris+atkins&sprefix=a+bit+of+%2Caps%2C82&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1640152807&sr=8-1

Good luck for the future rebuilding your life.

GnomeDePlume · 22/12/2021 06:37

@Matt20 I know you have said you want to make the next steps on your own but dont be too proud to take the assistance on offer. Engagement with any support on offer shows your ex and your DS that you are really trying. Also it means that if you do have struggles to come (and you will, we all do) that you are in a good place to get help.

Keep writing to your son. It is a good discipline. My DF was a great letter writer. Getting a letter from my Dad was always a highlight in my week.

All best wishes.

Billybagpuss · 22/12/2021 06:41

Have only just seen your thread and congratulations on your early release in time for Christmas.

I have no meaningful background to advise you but do have a couple of suggestions.

I hope the job comes through for you, would it also be a good plan to also find a hobby that keeps you interested and more importantly away from the influences that got you into trouble in the first place.

Also, it’s never going to be enough but send a Christmas card to your ex thanking her for keeping your ds on an even keel and being a good mum and apologising for the extra stress you have caused her. As whatever the reasons behind your break up helping a youngster process having a dad in prison does add extra stress to everything.

Like I said I have no experience or qualifications but these are just my initial thoughts.

Good luck with rebuilding your life, don’t try and rush things.

AlwaysColdHands · 22/12/2021 06:58

Matt, you sound so committed to wanting to be a great Dad. It’s remarkable that you’ve coped well with a year in prison and well done for keeping in touch with your son - you’ve done the best you could in your situation.
There’s some fantastic advice and links from previous posters, don’t be too quick to dismiss them, have a little nosey over Christmas perhaps.
Really rooting for you, very best wishes for the future.

Mumdiva99 · 22/12/2021 06:59

I remember the thread from last year. Wishing you well. Take the good advice offered here. Good luck.

MrsLarry · 22/12/2021 07:11

@OhioOhioOhio

You sound so sensible. Is there not a chance you could get an appeal based on the fact you have a child.
Are you kidding me? Do you seriously expect someone should get off because they have a child.

OP readily admits he's behaved like a dick. He's owning it and taking responsibility. The OP is not the victim here. Try and think about the victim of the actual assault who deserves some justice.

OP, you've had some good advice on here. I hope you use some of it to turn your life around and become a better role model for your son.

Lovelymincepies · 22/12/2021 07:22

Glad you are out. You’ve got this. Have you accessed any of the veterans charities? SSAFA etc?

Keep trying to see you son, be calm with your ex as she is understandably pissed off and wary. TBH, despite the prison sentence, you sound a much better father than my ex. All children want is know there parents love, are interested in them and put them first.

Holdingontonothing · 22/12/2021 07:30

Well done on serving your time, owning what you did to get you there and doing the right thing by your son and ex.

Yes, you did something bad, but nobody us perfect, and it's obvious that you are not only trying to rebuild better, but to break the cycle too. You should be very proud of that.

There's some excellent advice here - ignore the couple of judgy posts which aren't helpful. I'd also echo another PP who suggests veteran's charities too. As a family we have several friends and relatives who served and ran into problems on moving to civilian life. Its far more common than people realise, so is probably another good avenue for you to explore as you unpack things in your head.

But most importantly - good luck for the future with your DS and building a new, better life.

Frazzled2207 · 22/12/2021 07:34

Pleased you are out and I hope you are able to see your son again soon.

Gretaburley · 22/12/2021 07:54

The thing now OP is to be consistent with your son’s contact.
And as soon as you can pay your maintenance regularly.
When your son gets older the way you have supported him both emotionally with letters and eventually contact and financially through his mum are what will count.
You have an opportunity now to turn your life round and be a good role model.

Don’t waste it.

keysonthetable · 22/12/2021 08:43

@Gargellen

All the posters saying the OP is a good dad and sensible and etc. What? How? Good and sensible would be NOT causing GBH and getting sent down for a stretch!

The child will hear it from other kids at school so he must be told and no, nothing about yummy mushrooms FFS!

Some of the responses on her are incredible. What about not breaking the law and being a good father that way or is it me?

I think the posters who provided helpful advice, which the OP found useful, did so because the OP was reaching out for advice and showing a degree of self-awareness that held a glimmer of promise for the his and his son's future.

Kicking people when they're already down whilst pulling up your biggest pair of judgey pants isn't that helpful is it ?

Twinkleylight · 22/12/2021 08:49

We don't want the op to reoffend because he'll lose access to his son and the progress that he's made. That's why we're being supportive and not fawning over him, we're being realistic here. Nobody wants the op to reoffend but the chances are high if nobody gives him a chance.

BarbaraofSeville · 22/12/2021 08:59

Exactly @Twinkleylight

Obviously it would be preferable if no-one ever commits any crime, but that's water under the bridge in this case.

So the next best outcome is that those who have been in prison for the first time then turn their lives around and become decent productive members of society, which requires people to give them a chance instead of writing them off for the rest of their lives for a one off act, as this often then ends up as a cycle of reoffending, in and out of prison, and little or no relationship with his DS, which again could have a knock on effect because children of offenders probably have a higher chance of ending up in the same position themselves due to a range of factors, as could well be the case for the OP, as his DF had also been in prison.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/12/2021 09:23

Glad to see things are starting to improve for you @Matt20 - I agree with the advice you've been given so far, take things slow with the ex, keep up the regular letters to your son, get back on track with the child maintenance as soon as you can etc.

Did your mum get to see your son much over the last year? Or is the ex not allowing her near her grandson either?

tallywag · 22/12/2021 09:34

Best wishes Matt. I hope you and your Mum have a lovely quiet Christmas together. Not sure if anyone has mentioned the support you might be able to get from SSAFA? They can help in all sorts of ways. Hope 2022 goes well for you.
www.ssafa.org.uk/

Maladicta · 22/12/2021 11:29

Fair play, keep up that determination to get it right now for your son, it will serve you well.

Look at Timpsons the shoe repair people for jobs, they specifically aim to take on ex-offenders.

Holdingontonothing · 22/12/2021 13:14

@Maladicta

Fair play, keep up that determination to get it right now for your son, it will serve you well.

Look at Timpsons the shoe repair people for jobs, they specifically aim to take on ex-offenders.

Excellent idea about Timpsons!
Original poster
Matt20 · 22/12/2021 23:34

@Purplependant222

It’s strange to feel happiness and proud of a perfect stranger on the internet but we’ll done Matt for keeping your head down and doing your time.

There’s plenty of jobs now popping back up, especially if you’re strong and don’t mind working in physical jobs. There’s been loads of people out of work the last couple of years due to covid, so it won’t be completely strange on your CV to have a blank.

Going forward you’re going to have to really prove yourself to your Ex to see your son. This will be the greatest challenge of keeping calm, not getting angry at her and beating along to her drum.

But have a wonderful Xmas, give your mum a massive hug and hopefully this time next year you’ll be spending the holidays with your son.

I definitely want to work and am not that choosy about what I do. I was in the Army before this and did labouring work and worked in a bar and in a supermarket before so am up for anything. I am going to look properly after Vhristmas and as I said I may have something through a mate.

I've always workrf before this and was trying to update my CV anyway though the gap is a big thing. that was one of the worse things for me about prison - boredom and being stuck in my cell. Told it was worse during Covid and we were locked up so much. Eventually got working a s a cleaner on the wing and was happy to have taht to do and get out of my cell fora few hours,

There were some good suggestions later on in this thread too

OP posts: