Working from home with screaming baby

[MooseBreath]

Here's our situation: I am a SAHM to nearly 5 month old DS. DS's sleeping has become unbearable, so we are using the Ferber method to sleep train him. Due to the pandemic, DH is working from home in a tiny box room office down the hall from DS's room. Obviously this is not ideal during the throes of sleep training (naptimes especially), and DH is at his wits end from the screaming during meetings. We're both sleep-deprived and struggling to come up with a solution.

Does anyone else have a similar set-up? What have you done to make working from home with an infant bearable?

noise cancelling headphones are excellent when wfh

What, he never bought a coffee and a sandwich at work in the 'good old days'??

£50 a week/ £200 a month on take away coffee and sandwiches is a lot of money and just unaffordable to many people. They take their own lunch from home and use the coffee making facilities at work or take a flask so it's totally believable and understandable why it's quite a large extra expense that many can't afford.

OP has he claimed back what he is entitled to for working from home?

Fact is, you've got 2 choices as I see it - either he finds somewhere else to work or you abandon sleep training and walk baby in a sling or pram when they're tired and need a nap. Even if he's not on a call, there's no way he can concentrate through screaming, and there's no headphones in the world that will do an effective enough job.

^This

One has to give I’m afraid.

Speaking from experience, we tried CC under 6 months and I so wish we didn’t now I’m further on down the line (DD is now 3). She was a bad sleeper just the same. It worked for a while but really I think it was just horrible, they’re so little at that age and they need comfort and cuddles. You’ll get there, EBF is harder, I switched to a combi feed which helped massively. Feeding to sleep is definitely a rocky road!

Just throwing out a random thought..... if you’re waiting until he’s grumpy, yawning and red eyebrows, you could well be leaving it too late and he’s already overtired, making it hard for him to settle. The 4 month sleep regression is shit at the best of times, but maybe try putting him down for naps a bit earlier and see if that helps? I think my DS’ maximum sleep window was 2/2.5 hours at this age, any more than that and he’d lose his shit.

We have chosen to sleep train because it is the best option for us as a family. I would appreciate not being judged for this.

But it's not though, is it?! I disagree with sleep training at any age, but I think leaving a 4 month old baby to scream is cruel.

@Smallsteps88

OP has he claimed back what he is entitled to for working from home?

£60 per year tax relief added to next year’s tax code?

£60 per year tax relief added to next year’s tax code?

If that’s what it is, yes.

OP Sleep breeds sleep in my experience, so I found better naps (done with sling or cosleeping) improve rather than muck up independent sleep at bedtime.

Also, if you find sling works and cosleeping doesn’t, you should consider reflux as a possible cause of the screaming. A refluxy baby will be in less pain when held upright with their tummy against a nice warm adult, so if that helps then it may be worth a visit to the GP to see if reflux meds might help.

As others have suggested, get really good noise cancelling headphones for DH.

A few months ago, at the height of lockdown, my baby was really poorly and developed a rash all over her body. I was screaming, she was screaming and I called an ambulance, which arrived with lights flashing and sirens wailing. My husband was on a call and remained completely oblivious to all of this - even when I screamed to him up the stairs that we were going to hospital!

Honestly, just need shell out for the right kit. It’s worth the investment.

I’m a massive fan of sleep training. Did it with both of mine. One took to it first time at 6 months. One took to it second time around 8 months. I did my own method, which involved a bit of crying - basically until I couldn’t bear it any more (normally starting around 30 seconds!).

Your baby is too young to respond to sleep training. Don’t stress yourselves and your baby out. Give up. You will achieve nothing but more stress.

Your DH has to work, as you need the income. Period.

Fortunately, you’re a SAHM. You need to do whatever it takes to get your DH some quiet time. There were months on end where I’d walk the streets with an umbrella and coat, baby in a sling, just to get second child to nap during the day (so they’d sleep at night). I co slept (hated it, but kept my DH sane enough to hold down a job. He slept on the sofa). I persisted with a dummy even though I was anti-dummies. I forget all the details, but I basically just did whatever it took, for months.

Looking back it was such a short period of time. But when I was in it, it was awful. I hated it. Every day was exhausting and boring and repetitive and mundane and numb and sheer drudgery. I was a zombie. But it had to be done.

Find what it takes for your baby to sleep and just do it. At home, out of the house, in the car, whatever. Just get through this time. It won’t be forever.

I took the side off the cot and tied the cot to the bed. Fed baby then gently eased her over into the cot. I could rest my arm over her so she could feel I was there. I put a couple of sheets around the bed mattress and cot mattress so no possible chance of a gap and she couldn't fall anywhere.

Feeding to sleep isn't a bad habit, it's a useful way of calming them down/shutting them up

Waking up overnight is normal for a loooong time

Short naps are very normal too

These things are thought to help reduce the risk of sids

Hi OP,

I just wanted to tell you that you’ve all been there. I found sleep around 3-6 months the hardest to deal with and both my DS were the same, only did 45 min sleep cycles and getting them to nap during the day was crazy difficult.

Mine did however sleep in the car/pram but could not be moved. So if they fell asleep in the car, I could not leave the car - used to drive for a drive thru coffee and take my book and phone and settle in. I would have rather been sitting at home during nap time but it’s what I had to do.

Add in to this a husband WFH and I think your options are limited. Could your husband leave to do his meetings during nap times? Can he walk and talk with earphones? Can he sit in the car on the driveway to access the wifi and do his meetings? Do you have family nearby where he could go to use their wifi where it is quiet for those calls?

If not, then you’ll have to decide as a family whether you can continue with nap time sleep training or just focus on that at bedtime and for you to do whatever is needed during the day to keep baby happy and husband able to work.

Sleep training at any age is awful and stressful at any age and sound especially difficult under these circumstances. My husband is also wfh. I do think 4-6 months is the most difficult in terms of sleep and regression etc and maybe you could consider putting it off for daytime for now, but only you know your baby and circumstances so do what you have to do.

You said you were tired too, can you lay down on the bed with him and feed to sleep? You both get a nap and you can just feed him again if he wakes?

Ask his work to buy him one of those conference call headsets - www.currys.co.uk/gbuk/computing-accessories/computer-accessories/headsets-and-microphones/logitech-h340-usb-headset-21836942-pdt.html?store=2839&=--present--&istCompanyId=bec25c7e-cbcd-460d-81d5-a25372d2e3d7&istFeedId=2928af81-b29b-476c-a180-ac5de265a98e&istItemId=wpaliplm&istBid=t&srcid=198&cmpid=ppc~gg~1020+(Shopping+Ads)+PC+Peripherals+-+Brand+Logitech+SF~Headsets~Exact&mctag=gg_goog_7904&kwid=GOOGLE&device=m&ds_kids=92700057706299789&tgtid=1020+(Shopping+Ads)+PC+Peripherals+-+Brand+Logitech+SF&gclid=Cj0KCQjw28T8BRDbARIsAEOMBcwxDCJ9zIsgs1XKtWzQfhe2J_Ip0nAAu9fRqriO2IWaaPdsXG6bDT4aAkFKEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

He can contribute to meetings without there being much background noise (definitely none from a different room a yway).

Perhaps try the pram again too? Feed him then pop him in. It took a while for me lo to get used to it and I had to walk somewhere relatively quiet and a bit bumpy but it worked. All babies are different tho my friends babies fell asleep in the supermarket!

I'm all for sleeping training and controlled crying, it's worked for all my kids as babies, but I've always waited till they were a year.

5 months is way to young in my opinion. I don't mean to be judgy it's hard when a baby doesn't sleep well, really hard I feel for you, but if I was you I'd find another way to get your little one to sleep better. Have you tried white noise? One of my babies used to love the sound of the tumble dryer lol. Does baby have a comforter? Try and stick to the same routine every night and every nap time and just persevere, leaving a baby that young to winge a bit while it settles is fine in my opinion, some need to have a good winge before they settle, but I don't think leaving a 5 month to actually cry so much it's disturbing the whole House is the best idea. Good luck.

Dh works from home and we have a 5 month old. Things that tend to help if useful:

• ds has all naps downstairs or outside. He naps 99% of the time in pram ( inside and out), occasionally naps on me or can be put down on playmat.

• I try and take him out each morning for a few hours if dry when I get errands done, we walk and baby naps . Dh tries to schedule any important calls during this time.

• dh office is upstairs. He has Alexa playing quiet instrumental background music in the upstairs hallway as a kind of damper against downstairs general noise.

• I take ds outside if he’s having a particularly noisy or moany day, or try and play in living room with door closed as another barrier.

• dh doesn’t feel guilty if baby can be heard when he is on a call though. It’s life right now and we are doing our best to work around it.

I think if baby isn’t a great napper in cot, it’s not worth the hassle. You could try a snooze shade thing on pram if they like it a bit darker

Is there any option for your DH to return to the office? My office is essential access only but they deem it essential if your working environment at home makes it difficult for you to perform. In your DHs situation I could ask to go in and I'd be absolutely staggered if they refused it.

Could be silent reflux.

We have chosen to sleep train because it is the best option for us as a family

But it’s not is it? It’s disturbing your DH, stressing you out and for what?! 4mth old babies need to be cuddled not left to cry

I agree with you op. Waking every 45 mins is NOT normal (although many on mumsnet will try to tell you it is). It tells you that your baby has built up a sleep association so that an the end of each sleep cycle when they naturally wake they are unable to put themselves back to sleep but are looking for you to help them get back to sleep. That is not sustainable and is why the sleep regression has hit hard.

It’s really tough and we had the same problem.

I found it helpful to write down our nap and bedtime routine. I basically could then start to unpick all the bad habits that I had formed eg cuddle to sleep, feed to sleep etc. Then one by one I started to break these down. Eg. Move the feed back by 10 mins so not immediately before putting down to try to break the feed to sleep. I got rid of the dummy because she was waking for it.

Ultimately I’m a massive fan of sleep training but agree that if you’re not seeing improvements by around day 4 then it suggests this isn’t the right time (all the books say the same). So you might be best to wait a couple of weeks and try again. Naps are harder to crack than bedtime (and actually the third nap I still do in the pram because she fights this) but if your baby is getting very stressed then maybe now is not the right time.

My final question though is when you say your baby cries - how much? Controlled crying does result in crying. I think for naps it was 30 mins of crying for a few days and from friends I think it was similar. So if that’s the level you’re talking about then your husband may just need to be onboard with that if you both want to commit to this.

Really hope things improve for you though op. Sleep deprivation is awful.

Could you try adjusting his nap schedule to see if that helps the screaming? My dc are older now but I recall at that age there was a tight window for naps. If we missed it they got overtired. If we went too early they weren’t tired enough. From memory my first had 3 naps at that age (2 long naps of around 1.5-2hrs and one short nap around 5pm; that routine was until he was 6 months when we dropped the short nap) and my second had 4 naps as his were always shorter. Could you try adjusting his nap schedule to make it work better for him and you?

I know your dh needs to work, so could he schedule meetings when your ds is awake (if he screams less then) and also do non-meeting work in the early morning or evening? My husband and I sometimes take meetings that don’t require a screen or include confidential information just on the phone, instead of Teams or Zoom, while we go for a walk.

We used a Ferber-like form of sleep training with our older son but he was 14 months when we first tried it and 16 months when we did it a second time after illness. I think it does have value in young toddlers with persistent sleep problems and, sure it’ll probably work eventually, but there’s been a lot of research since we used that method to show it really isn’t optimal for the baby and especially under 1. I’d personally feed to sleep at that age (that’s what we did with dc1) or pat to sleep (the method we used for dc2).

Possibly hungry...my milk went to water with my first child and settled once I changed to formula...we also found out she was lactose intolerant and needed to change to soy....good luck...try to relax....