Working from home with screaming baby

[MooseBreath]

Here's our situation: I am a SAHM to nearly 5 month old DS. DS's sleeping has become unbearable, so we are using the Ferber method to sleep train him. Due to the pandemic, DH is working from home in a tiny box room office down the hall from DS's room. Obviously this is not ideal during the throes of sleep training (naptimes especially), and DH is at his wits end from the screaming during meetings. We're both sleep-deprived and struggling to come up with a solution.

Does anyone else have a similar set-up? What have you done to make working from home with an infant bearable?

My baby is very much loved and cared for. He is a happy boy meeting all of his milestones. He is cuddled, played with, tickled, talked to, encouraged, and provided for by loving parents. We are not mistreating him and do not leave him to cry for indefinite periods of time. I think some of you are being a tad oversensitive.

Co-sleeping is not an option, as DH takes medication in the night that would make DS unsafe. There is no other bed available for DH to sleep on. This is a good suggestion though, thank you.

But he's too young for it to work. So you're setting him - and you - up to fail.

4 month sleep regression is brutal. Most of us have been there. But it will get better. But they are two different things: 1) your baby's perfectly normal poor sleep and 2) your husband's need to be professional at work.

You are creating enormous stress for everyone by exacerbating 1) while also trying to do 2).

I'm a supporter of sleep training, so absolutely no judgement here, I used it on my DS the day he turned 6 months, but your baby is only 4 months old, that is too young for sleep training.

Please consider waiting another 7 or so weeks until your baby has reached 6 months. I know how awful sleep deprivation is, search my previous post's from around 2 years ago and you'll see what I went through with our DS, but it wont work if the baby is too young. You have my sympathies, a non-sleeping baby that fights sleep is awful!

And you other posters giving the unhelpful advice of just cuddle your baby -- Shame on you!! Having a baby wake every 30 minutes day and night almost drove me to suicide, unless you have been through it then I highly suggest that you don't know how that feels!

@MooseBreath

My baby is very much loved and cared for. He is a happy boy meeting all of his milestones. He is cuddled, played with, tickled, talked to, encouraged, and provided for by loving parents. We are not mistreating him and do not leave him to cry for indefinite periods of time. I think some of you are being a tad oversensitive.

Thing is you say doing this method, which isn't recommended at his age and isn't working, is right for your family but it clearly isn't because you're posting on here for help.

Honestly I'd feed him to sleep right now. If you don't want to bf, that's totally acceptable too. Is he definitely full after a feed?

Any underlying issues like reflux or allergies a possibility?

I'd say it's unusual enough that a typical baby can only sleep in total darkness whilst being fed that is mention it to the HV / GP

If baby is affecting Dad's work to the level where he can't work, one of you needs to go out. Can he work anywhere else? Can you put a small cot in the living room for baby to sleep in of that's further away?

He is a happy boy meeting all of his milestones.

Exactly. So stop trying to force him to do something that isn't natural.

Surely you don't think everyone on this thread is being over sensitive?

OP, everyone on this thread has been there and got the t shirt with a newborn. In the nicest way, you haven't.

You've come on here for advice from mums who have a little more experience than you and we are all saying to stop.

@MooseBreath

Co-sleeping is not an option, as DH takes medication in the night that would make DS unsafe. There is no other bed available for DH to sleep on. This is a good suggestion though, thank you.

Would a sidecar cot on your side of the bed work?

DH is currently checking to see if any pubs in the area will let him work there. Fingers crossed a quiet workspace is available!

DS is definitely full after a feed. Contacting the HV about possible reflux or allergies is a good shout. I will give her a call today.

I would love to cuddle DS to sleep, but I am so exhausted that I am worried I will fall asleep holding him. Letting him cry (which I find upsetting, as it hurts hearing him cry for me) is the safer option if I'm honest, even though I'd much rather carry on as we were without tears.

I think the Ferber method is for settling to sleep at night, rather than for daytime naps? Why don't you feed him to sleep in the day then Ferber at night when DH isn't working?

We haven't got a sidecar, but I will have a look for one on Gumtree.

If he is being left to scream for long enough it’s disrupting your DHs meetings then it’s too long. If it’s been going on for so long that it’s becoming a problem then method isn’t working for him obviously.

Crying is the only way he can communicate. If it’s at the point of screaming like you said it was then that’s not fair on the child.

You have two different problems. I won't advise on the baby as I don't know about sleep training, but regarding the work getting done, one of you needs to go out. If you're not prepared or able to go out with the baby, DH can't work at home. Can he go to the office some of the time? Or as another poster said, there are options. The informal workplace round here is the local branch of David Lloyd...

I do understand how difficult it is, having survived 3 months of online teaching keeping my ADHD child out of my home office with door wedges! While ignoring the screaming (from her and sometimes DH...)

With Ferber, you use it for naps as well so as not to confuse the baby.

We only started Ferber two days ago, but naptimes have always been screamfests.

Ahhh I give up.
It's heartbreaking that you're prioritising your husbands need for peace over a baby who is just trying to communicate and find its way in the big world.
DS woke hourly until around 6 months.
Yes it was tough, yes it was hell at times, but that's what I signed up for when I decided to get pregnant.
I didn't sign up for peace and a good nights sleep.

If they are open, branches of e.g. Costa in large supermarkets are good for working. They don't seem to have the same sales targets as regular Costas so you can make a coffee last ages.

Oh gosh, I can't believe how people are attacking. Waking every 30-45 mins for naps at this age can be normal, but no at night it is not sustainable! It is not healthy for any concerned. The martyr narrative of being happy to feed your baby at every wake up every half hour every night and being a monster who hates their child if you don't needs to stop. Sleep training is not evil and should not mean cry it out - there are many different methods.

In this situation I would tackle night before naps maybe. If you get your timings right then prams or car naps should work temporarily. Have you tried the huckleberry app? That helped me with timings. I remember my nap refusing son having about 5 half hour naps at this age, but it did naturally improve at just over 6 months.

For bed times then what is your current set up? Where does baby sleep currently? Do they have a routine? Dummy? Choose the battles that matter most. Pick up and put down method is probably better than Ferber at this age. I used Ferber to get rid of dummy at about 8 months, and baby never had to cry more than 8 mins. I think Ferber at 5 months is probably a bit young developmentally, but look into other methods for sure.

DH didn't work from home when I got pregnant. He can't go to the office due to Covid, as his office is closed. Unfortunately we need to prioritize his work because that's where the money comes from to keep us in a house with food...

To be fair, most of us posters didn't have to solve these types of problems in a pandemic. Working from home just isn't a solution for all situations (some of my younger teaching colleagues live in houseshares).

OP please listen to the advice, it's meant kindly.
White noise, walking the streets to get baby to nap.

We have tried Pick Up Put Down, but found it was too stimulating for DS. Perhaps I'll give it another try.

I'm not a fan of sleep training. I am a fan of pushing them out in the fresh air. Babies don't sleep in the pram at first it does take a few goes. Make sure he's had enough food, winded and changed. Wrap him up warm and walk. I usually cover about 3 miles.
DS is still a sleep refuser at 3 and I still push him out a few times a week as well as doing other outside exercise. DD is only 10 weeks she's still being trained to pram sleeping. It's also a sanity saver as they don't howl as much whilst being pushed and the movement does lull them to sleep. The fresh air makes everyone feel better, less stressed which leads to more sleep all round.
The reason I'm not a fan is I tried it with DS and it really didnt work I just had a very stressful fortnight. It doesn't work for every child and I only tried because I had to try it before we could access certain services.

I think this is just one of the challenges of working from home right now. Realistically, sleep training a 5 month old isn't going to work. Babies and toddlers are always changing their sleep patterns and there will always be disruptions and you will go back to day 1 again and again. For sleep now when you need to get it during the day, walks, car rides, sling, whatever works to keep your baby happy and quiet so your dh can work. I definitely would not be risking getting COVID in a pub so you can sleep train for naps.

But otherwise, it's the balance of working from home with children around. I don't know anyone who is truly put off by children in the background in meetings. Everyone knows there will be family noise from working from home. The only time it's an issue for me is that I have to call or video conference with NHS patients and I can't have children or anyone within earshot for privacy and data protection reasons. But in all my normal meetings, children roam in and out of the room (and dh) as needed and it's not an issue. If noise is generally distracting for him just to get work done, ear plugs and white noise.

We have a routine for bed. Bath, feed, sleep bag, book, and lullaby (then white noise and blackout). I have been trying to get him to take a dummy for the past 3 months, but it only lasts in his mouth for 2 minutes before he takes it out.

At 4 months your baby is too young for Ferber, you need to try a gentler method.