Working from home with screaming baby

[MooseBreath]

Here's our situation: I am a SAHM to nearly 5 month old DS. DS's sleeping has become unbearable, so we are using the Ferber method to sleep train him. Due to the pandemic, DH is working from home in a tiny box room office down the hall from DS's room. Obviously this is not ideal during the throes of sleep training (naptimes especially), and DH is at his wits end from the screaming during meetings. We're both sleep-deprived and struggling to come up with a solution.

Does anyone else have a similar set-up? What have you done to make working from home with an infant bearable?

For naps before sleep training, I would feed him and he would fall asleep. I know he is tired because he gets grumpy and yawns and his eyebrows turn red. If I kept him on me after feeding, he would wake and scream within 5 minutes. If I moved him to his crib, he would wake 75% of the time when I put him down and scream. I then have to feed to sleep again with the same issues. If I managed to put him in the crib without him waking, he would sleep for 40 minutes and wake up much happier.

I'm a big fan of sleep training, which I think resulted in a massive improvement to all our lives BUT we tried it twice, once at just gone 6 months and then once at 8 months. We gave up the first time because there seemed to be no progress and when we tried again it was so clear that he hadn't been ready before - it was so different trying the second time. We also used a variation on gradual retreat rather than controlled crying and I'd definitely go with that in the first instance - to me it makes sense to start with the most gentle methods and reconsider if it's not achieving anything rather than going in with nuclear options.

If it's been more than a day or two and you're not seeing improvement then I think it's time to accept that what you're trying right now isn't working and you either need to try a different method or accept that it's not time for this yet and you need to muddle through without sleep training for a while longer (which I know is so, so hard).

We have chosen to sleep train because it is the best option for us as a family

In the nicest possible way, how is it the best option for you as a family if it is causing you the problems that you are writing about now?

Also I would definitely, definitely try a sling for naps if you haven't given that a go.

We had these problems before sleep training, and I feel that feeding DS to sleep is a danger because I am at risk of falling asleep out of exhaustion.

@MooseBreath

We had these problems before sleep training, and I feel that feeding DS to sleep is a danger because I am at risk of falling asleep out of exhaustion.

This is why you need to co-sleep. Your baby needs you to help him sleep, and that is perfectly normal. He's too small to force change on - at this age, you need to fit around him, not him around you.

Have you tried him having a nap with you lying next to him, flat on your bed, no loose covers and if he wakes, feed him again and let him go back off again? If you fall asleep that's ok, its within the safe sleep guidelines. Or I used to browse mumsnet or read on my kindle etc if I wasn't tired. It's not a bad habit, it's just responding to his cues. My health visitor suggested it and it really helped us.

My DH worked from home during my entire maternity leave (I was off for 14 months). I never sleep trained but responded to my baby’s needs whenever she was crying. He deals with phone calls with important clients so I couldn’t let her cry. We used the sling, went out for walks, and we contact napped as she didn’t like being put down. It worked for us and we never needed to sleep train.

It does sound like he's in the 4 month sleep regression now OP. You are right, it is unsustainable, but is it worth waiting a few weeks to see if it resolves itself? It did in our case. Everything is a phase with babies.

Regarding the need for a dark room, have you tried a Snoozeshade for your pram? Its a mesh cover that goes over the pram, protecting babies from sunlight and it helps them sleep as it reduces light and stimuli.

We had our little one in lockdown 6 months ago and DP has been working from home the entire time. We are in a two bed flat and it's a pain in the arse! Honestly in our case I think sleep training would be adding even more stress to an already cramped and difficult situation.

I'd recommend persisting with the pram walks, your baby might surprise you!

Why don’t you just nap with baby and keep him latched on if he wants it? Sounds like you both need it. What’s wrong with it? Especially when you don’t have other children to look after it.

I believe in controlled crying and know where you are coming from. I do think it might be sleep regression stage where is becoming more aware of his surroundings. If I were you, I would do what needs to be done now, holding, feed to sleep, long walks etc for another few weeks then try the Ferber method again. My LO did the same at 4 months, but just had to ride Out until I felt he was ready for it.

There's some advice here on safe co sleeping - even if you only do it during the day, it could really help www.laleche.org.uk/safe-sleep-the-breastfed-baby/

OP get a bedside cot and then you can feed him whilst lying down and get some sleep yourself. Your baby will be able to see you and feed pretty much whenever they want. They can stay in them for longer than 6 months as long as they aren't trying to climb out, my 8 month old is still in one.

Then you can try sleep training again later.

I would appreciate not being judged for this
I'm sure you would, but the Ferber method is inappropriate for such a young baby, whether you like it or not.

Thank you. We are going to try co-sleeping for naps and DH is looking for a pub that he can work in as long as we aren't in Tier 3. Hopefully it's not too expensive, as £10/day 5 days per week isn't feasible for too long.

I have a 20 month old and a 4 month old and my husband is working from home in our front room. If I need to get the baby's to sleep I take them out in the pram, if the weather is bad I take them for a drive in the car and they usually fall asleep.

It's not ideal obviously I'd love it if they would nap in their cots and then I could get loads of my housework done but they're babies they don't like being alone.

Imagine being in the womb where your warm and cosy, can hear your mums voice and have constant food and all your needs met and then one day your put in a cot on your own in a dark room and left crying....they don't understand what's going on or what's expected of them.

Maybe wait till baby is a bit older and then try sleep training if that's what you want to do but for now it's obviously not working and your husband needs to be able to work so if I were you I'd just keep the baby downstairs with me and either take them for a walk or drive when they're tired.

Also if your on fb try following a page called 'the milk meg' lots of good info on there. Hope it all works out for you

Stay in bed with him after breastfeeding. He needs to smell you. Play with toys with him bed if he wakes and just enjoy your baby.
Sleeping for long periods of time is for adults, mainly teenagers but not Babies.

Op I didn't have a spare bed for my very overweight DH so we bought a mattress for downstairs and he just slept on that while I Coslept. Was the only way. And then we did CC at 14 months and it's worked great

4 months is too young to try this 😥

No experience of sleep training myself, but from speaking to friends who have done it, they have generally had great results within 2-3 days. So if it’s short term, I’d imagine your DH could work from a cafe etc for a few days if you choose the days well around meetings etc. If it’s taking a lot longer than that though then something isn’t working as it should.

I do agree feeding to sleep isn’t a good idea in the long term though - but maybe try a different method eg rocking the pram for a bit and then reducing the amount of rocking over time?

@MooseBreath

Thank you. We are going to try co-sleeping for naps and DH is looking for a pub that he can work in as long as we aren't in Tier 3. Hopefully it's not too expensive, as £10/day 5 days per week isn't feasible for too long.

What, he never bought a coffee and a sandwich at work in the 'good old days'??

@Harrysmummy246 No, he didn't. We don't have a lot of spare money due to student loans, rent, and the extortionate 2.5-yearly cost of my Spousal Visa and NHS surcharges with no recourse to public funds.

For naps feed to sleep whilst lying down either on sofa or upstairs in bed then you stay with baby and binge watch Netflix. Don't start thinking about rods for your own back further down the line.

Your husband just needs to get some noise cancelling headphones with a mic, then the sound of the baby will be quieter and nobody he's on a call with will be able to hear the baby.

OP mumsnet is conpletely against any form of sleep training so dont take a lot of the comments to heart.

I certainly couldn't cope if dd woke every 45minutes, to me that is not normal. We sleep trained at 4 montha doing controlled crying.

Yes dd cried, took about a week and then it was done, ever since she has happily gone down for naps and beds, and has learnt how to go between sleep cycles and go back to sleep.

For me the though of co-sleeping, feeding to sleep every time etc was a non starter.

People need to realise every parent is different as is every baby.

If you baby is fed, changed and safe in their cot, a bit of crying is not going to hurt them and your DH needs to work

My DH is WFH while me, 3 year old DD and 10 month DS who has allergies and reflux. It's been hard but this is what we do; noise cancelling headphones (you can still hear some screaming but it's much less intrusive), I get out for a few hours a day walking and park, naps in sling (sometimes DS will nap on DH while he works).

From your description I think trying to get your baby to nap a bit earlier might help as he seems overtired when trying to get him to nap. I use the free part of the Huckleberry app which predicts the sweet spot where babies are tired enough for a nap but not overtired. I don't think sleep training is a good idea at this age but understand the desperation as DD was an awful sleeper.