Am I being mean to my 4 month old?

[Atticus500]

I’ve read A LOT about sleep and “best practice” for babies since becoming a first time parent, and consequently spend all my time trying to do everything right. I know this is exhausting and stressful but I do at the very least need a routine and some semblance of a schedule so it seems to work for me. However, DD, who is 19 weeks, looks constantly shattered. I’ve got her on a 3 nap schedule with 1 hour naps every 2.5 hours throughout the day and bed at 7.30pm. She wakes for a bottle once or twice, and often sleeps through completely and always has to be woken at 7am. I feel really mean - am I depriving her of sleep? 3 hours of day sleep seems like maybe too little for her age? But then again, I’m keen for her to sleep well at night. Any thoughts? (I should add - she’s a big baby in the 99th centile and is currently taking 40oz and purées every day)

Mine slept for 16hrs a day at 4 months. 12hrs overnight and then 4 or 5 naps a day. Lasting almost an hour. Let her sleep

I sorry to be so blunt but you absolutely should not be waking a sleeping baby of that age so frequently. once in a while because you have to get somewhere is fine but the babies sleep for a reason, they need it.

for various reasons we had to see a consultant and within the meeting he explained that babies only sleep so much because there is so much going on in their brain and to wake them is to disrupt development and processing.

You sound like you are trying to do your best but I think you are way off the mark here. At 6 months old my child was sleeping around 4 hours in the day , sometimes more and 12 hours at night, falling into a natural routine.

Pull the other one. No one would do this to a tiny baby. Just why?

The huckleberry app is also good at giving you a rough idea of when your baby is likely to be tired based on their age.
Once they are asleep there’s a timer you can start and stop when they wake up.It will then ping you an alert when the next nap is likely to be close by so you can get baby ready.
I found it quite useful to know when to to kinda down tools and have a wee bit of quiet time before trying to get my DS down for his nap.

Agree with PPs - I was always told 'never wake a sleeping baby' and it was the best advice ever!

I never controlled nap times - when they crashed they crashed. I did regular feeds (bottle) and stuck to that routine like glue - but they were always awake for that. At 5 months they had 5 milk feeds a day between around 7.30 and 7.30 and slept for 12 hours in between - but they were preemies so maybe a lot smaller than yours.

Sleep is essential part of baby neurodevelopment, sets down neural pathways. Synaptic pathways between the right and left hemisphere develop

What would the cave woman inside you do? The one that knows, deep down, how to care for a baby? Would she be setting alarms? No, she'd relax and let her baby sleep as much as, and when, it needed. Have the confidence to trust your instincts and ignore the books.

As if you would wake a sleeping baby... Madness

Read som of your other posts OP, and can see you've been really struggling.
The thing that is really ahrd about having a baby, apart from the sleep deprivation, is you aren't really in control of everything anymore. You can't reason with a baby or force them to do what you want. They sleep when they're tired, at when they are hungry and sometimes they scream for no reason.
You can't schedule your way out of the unpredictability of a baby. You have to be a bit flexible - and that goes for all stages of parenting. If they need a longer nap and then don't sleep until later in the evening, you have to sort of go with it. The trick is to try and not stress about it. With my second child I sort of knew what the deal was, so I'd watch netflix at 3am while breastfeeding, listen to radio 4 with the baby in a sling while tidying etc etc.

PND is really, really hard. You will feel better, medication is helpful.
I know it sounds silly, but I think sometimes with a new baby you are 'mourning' your old life. You have to try and let it go - accept you have a month old, you are going to be very tired and sleep will be disrupted.Your life won't be normal for a while, but before you know it you will have a squashy toddler, then a happy school aged child, then a sulky teenager, then your free time back.

Having PND makes it hard, but you are a good mum. You don't have to like the baby years, it's fine to hate it, but you can't control it. Trust your instincts

Sorry OP, I’m with the others. Bin the books and learn to read your daughter!

You’re doing it a bit already, or you wouldn’t be posting. Well done! She’s telling you she’s tired so let her sleep. Left alone, babies fall into their own patterns of naps without you doing anything to force it. It will be a unique pattern to her.

@EachPeachPearSums OP is struggling I thought that too. But OP does have other posts too. I think she thinks what she is doing is for the best.

Don't wake the baby!!

You wake her from every nap and at 7am!!! Sounds cruel to me

Why is your 19 week old on purées?

When you are going beyond what even Gina Ford recommends, you know you it’s waaay too far. Let your baby sleep. No need for either of you to be waking at 7am.

Sorry, haven't RTFT - got about halfway down and saw they were all saying the same thing.
Routine is NOT the work of the devil, despite what most of MN would have you believe.
I have to have a routine. It is good for my mental health. I followed a well-known guide in the early 2000s for my three children. I breast and bottle fed. I put them down to sleep at certain times and woke them from naps and sleeps. Sometimes they looked tired. Sometimes they didn't.
They are now all loving and affectionate teenagers who are excelling at sport and education.and being compassionate human beings. Obviously I did something wrong 🙄

If it feels wrong enough to post on mumsnet about it then you need to stop and learn to follow your own instincts and your babies cues.
I did lots of worrying and timing naps with my son and I’m due again soon and just won’t be putting myself/newborn under any stress. Babies get the sleep they need (if you don’t keep waking them)
Bin the books (especially anything that says purées at 19 weeks is a good idea )

If your motivation is to preserve your well being and thus to be well for your child then this rigidity might work. If , however, your motives are about what is best for your baby it is hard to understand why you are not letting them sleep when they are tired and why you are giving them solids.
We all totally understand the feelings of incompetence when faced with a tiny person that one doesn't know, wriggling and squawking day and night. I feel for you and remember feeling daunted , actually almost frightened, but part of the early stages is learning to know your child and observing their cues. You learn from them and they learn from you. If your baby is telling you as best they can that they need more sleep it makes all the sense in the world to listen. The advice you are following seems very outdated and is stressful for you and your child so I would advise stepping away from it and tuning in to what your baby requires.

This sounds daft. Let the wee soul sleep.

Just to add that babies like adults vary enormously. I remember D Sis being amazed by her DC3 who was often last in the family to go to sleep and up and about at all hours when her DC1 and DC2 has been terrific sleepers crawling or toddling off to bed at 6 having had 2 long daytime naps and not woken in the morning until after7am. They had had the same upbringing but different personal requirements. My own middle child was a terrific sleeper ad napper but madly active and generally a bit of a headache for their waking hours while their siblings were rarely asleep in the day and wakeful at night but generally a lot more placid and less physically agitated.it is just the way they were made and I had to learn about their foibles.

I am also a FTM of a 5 month old and I’m the kind of person who needs a plan to be relaxed hence we’ve had a routine since my boy was quite little (inc feeding and naps).

However, I would say that the routine is a kind of foundation you have to build around everyday day and two consecutive days are rarely the same! If he hasn’t napped for long in the morning then he might go down earlier in the afternoon or if we’ve been swimming I know he’ll be knackered so nap is often longer. Just as we don’t fall asleep and wake up at the exact time everyday babies don’t either.

I have woken my baby on occasions for various reasons but I would say on the whole he was never in a deep sleep when I have. A gentle stroke of the face or opening the blinds is all that it took. There is no such thing as a textbook baby but I do understand the comfort you may get from having a routine so I think it would be helpful to adapt yours to the needs of your baby which seems to be more sleep.

Breaks my heart to think you are waking her up
And she turn away and try's to go back to sleep again

Let her sleep poor little girl 😢

Hope you’re ok, @Atticus500?

As other people have said, everyone feels a bit out of their depth with their first baby. You have realised that this method isn’t working, asked for advice and want to do what’s best for her - that makes you a very good mum.

Enjoy all of those lovely baby cuddles - mine are growing up fast and I’m very jealous.

Kindness seems to go out of the window on here some days.

Another one to gently come on and say please done wake your sleeping baby OP, let them sleep longer in the morning and naps earlier in the day let them sleep for longer.
You are doing great wanting them best for them it’s just hard sometimes

Hi @Atticus500 hope you're ok. You're trying your best and you sound like a lovely caring mum. I'm sure you've got the consensus on here but I hope you don't feel criticised.

For me, what has helped psychologically is to just accept that I won't get much sleep and will be woken multiple times every night for the time being. Also reset my bar for household chores - just won't get much of that done for the foreseeable future..My DD is 6 months and is my fifth, but I well remember the angst I used to feel around daytime naps with my first baby.