Am I being mean to my 4 month old?

[Atticus500]

I’ve read A LOT about sleep and “best practice” for babies since becoming a first time parent, and consequently spend all my time trying to do everything right. I know this is exhausting and stressful but I do at the very least need a routine and some semblance of a schedule so it seems to work for me. However, DD, who is 19 weeks, looks constantly shattered. I’ve got her on a 3 nap schedule with 1 hour naps every 2.5 hours throughout the day and bed at 7.30pm. She wakes for a bottle once or twice, and often sleeps through completely and always has to be woken at 7am. I feel really mean - am I depriving her of sleep? 3 hours of day sleep seems like maybe too little for her age? But then again, I’m keen for her to sleep well at night. Any thoughts? (I should add - she’s a big baby in the 99th centile and is currently taking 40oz and purées every day)

I'd never wake mine up. He's 5 months. We're completely baby lead so he sleeps/feeds on demand. If she's looking tired I'd definitely let her sleep! A routine would be nice but I think it's too early for us to implement one and I'm hoping he develops his own when he's ready.

I feel like you are getting advice from very old fashioned places. Current advice is to wean at six months.

If she looks tired I goes she needs more sleep. You need to let her wake up naturally some of the time. She might need more than average, average is only an average. Some people need more sleep, some less.

Honestly that sounds totally batshit to me. I've got a four month old too and keep an eye on the length of time she's awake to try to avoid over tiredness and generally don't let her nap for longer than 3 hours at a time but other than that she just does her thing.

If 14.5 hours is the average amount of sleep a baby this age needs, then half of all babies need more sleep. Your baby might be one of those. Let her sleep.

They need sleep for development and growth, so be led by her natural needs.

The only schedule I managed when my first one was tiny was "Do X job on Monday when he naps" - so the schedule fitted to the naps, not the other way around. When I had my second it was impossible since there were now two youngsters with different needs, who never napped at the same time, and the schedule went to cock. It was tough, but we survived.

I let mine sleep as and when they want to. The only time I wake a sleeping baby is if they have gone longer than 4 hours and I need to feed them Obviously only in the early weeks

I'm not a perfect parent and dont intend this post to come across as mean but I do think you are being unfair. This is all to benefit you isn't it? She is a baby, babies are known for being an inconvenience. The routine at 4 months is what they decide, you can encourage naps etc but to wake a young baby even when they want to sleep is just a bit, well shit really.

I have a DD the same age and wouldnt do what you do, and she is still a naturally a good sleeper. Being sleep deprived can not be good for babies, surely you know this.

Never wake a sleeping baby op.

Whatever you are using for your guidance is wrong, as you shouldn’t be giving purées at this age at all.

Usually babies sleep better at night the better they do during the day (sleep breeds sleep) and a book will, at best, tell you the average about some babies whereas the reality is that no baby fits that mould.

Just let your poor baby sleep and stick with milk for a couple of months.

Sleep at that age promotes sleep, the longer you leave a baby sleeping the better they are at sleeping at night.
Who cares if they wake up during the night, it's such a short time before they are older and do sleep through when they don't need a feed.

I would never wake a baby from a nap.

Sorry forgot to add my baby naps for around 6 hours a day. Sleeps from 8 until 6.30 am. Sometimes waking for a bottle around 3.am. that's me encouraging naps when she shows tiredness but in general, going with the flow.

Don't wake her!! Some days she will need more than the 'average' and some days less. Growth spurts etc mean they need more sleep for brain development. Enjoy the rest if she wants more sleep and try not to worry too much (I understand how scary it is being a first time mama though!) She's still little so plenty of time to get into routine later on. My girl is 1 and in a solid routine now that she rarely veers from.

Starting your day at 7am is fine but I'd be expecting an hour nap in the morning, a 2 hour nap after lunch and maybe a shorter cap nap in the early evening (this is the first nap to be dropped)

Also at this age sleep begets sleep so good daytime sleep is important.

It's ok to have a routine (I love them) but you can ease it up a bit.

Also, no need for solids yet unless advised by medical professionals

Get a different book. Also just read you are feeding her purée - she’s 4 months old! My kids were both massive as babies, born massive a grew fast. Neither even tasted solids till 5.5-6 months. Babies that age get all the nutrition they need from milk. Let her sleep when she needs to, have milk when she needs it, and get off the military regime bandwagon! It does not have your baby’s best interest at heart.

It sounds like you are fixated on the routine rather than responding to your baby. It can’t be nice for either of you.

Just relax. It’s totally ok to not live according to a strict timetable. Timing naps on your phone and waking the baby after the allocated sleep time is bonkers.

You also don’t need to be feeding a 19 week old baby solids.

Step away from the advice and just respond to your baby in the moment. You’ll both feel better for it.

Please throw the book away and go with what your baby wants and needs

That's nuts, where on earth have you read this "advice"?

I wouldn't wake a baby at this age. Plus some babies need more than 14 hours, some need less. Learn about what your baby needs

I have a 21 week old and we have no routine or schedule. She feeds when she's hungry and sleeps when she's tired. If she gets overtired (she has a 3 year old sister, so gets interrupted sometimes), then I still make sure she gets a nap, but we go with the flow usually.
I found my 3 year old settled into her own rhythm when she was about 6 months old. Generally speaking, bed at 7.30, awake at 7 ( and numerous wake ups in the night!), 2 short naps in the morning and a longer one in the afternoon.

Bin the books and enjoy your baby.

You need to chuck the books away and learn to tune in to your baby. They're not a robot, they're an individual person with individual needs.

Why are you trying to rigidly hold her to the average sleep for her age. Averages work by taking in the entire range of 'normal' and finding the middle ground. You don't make them bang average, they can be anywhere on a spectrum. What will you do if she doesn't crawl or walk at the 'average' age?

If you think about it, all adults need different amount of sleep too. My son is 3 and has consistently needed less sleep that other children his age since he was very young. He dropped all naps before his second birthday and rarely sleeps til 6am. It is hugely inconvenient... But that's life!

Please don't wake a tiny baby that is telling you she needs more sleep. She may be going through a developmental leap that requires her to rest more or less at any given point.

I do understand the need for structure and I was very precious about the routine for my first baby... But I still let her set what the routine was and then made sure I was home for naps etc.

Agree with pps to be careful with purees at such a young age. If she fills up on purees she may take less breastmilk or formula so miss out on the nutrients she needs at this age.

Being 19 weeks into parenthood is stressful and exhausting and I remember it well. Be kind to yourself and let go of the books which are largely bollocks... Speak to your GP or HV and listen to your baby.

I used to feed mine to a schedule
I know it sounds cruel but I really struggled to bf and I needed that time in between to recover and know I wouldn’t have to do it again for x hours.
Looking back it wasn’t best for my baby.
I’d suggest maybe looking at your reasons for doing this and if they’re not very important to you, start to relax your schedule slightly.
As long as you don’t let DD nap within 3 hours of bedtime, it shouldn’t affect her ability to sleep at night.

Wth? This is crazy, let the poor baby sleep!! I’ve never heard of anyone waking such a young baby!
Throw the books away and follow babies lead.

Why are you feeding her purées?

Just let her sleep when she wants.

Baby needs to have a maximum of 2 hours wake time between naps at that age but it's often shorter for me. My son will wake between 6.30 and 7 and he is normally back asleep by 8.45. I think at 4 months you should just let them sleep as long as they want to and feed when they want