Am I being mean to my 4 month old?

[Atticus500]

I’ve read A LOT about sleep and “best practice” for babies since becoming a first time parent, and consequently spend all my time trying to do everything right. I know this is exhausting and stressful but I do at the very least need a routine and some semblance of a schedule so it seems to work for me. However, DD, who is 19 weeks, looks constantly shattered. I’ve got her on a 3 nap schedule with 1 hour naps every 2.5 hours throughout the day and bed at 7.30pm. She wakes for a bottle once or twice, and often sleeps through completely and always has to be woken at 7am. I feel really mean - am I depriving her of sleep? 3 hours of day sleep seems like maybe too little for her age? But then again, I’m keen for her to sleep well at night. Any thoughts? (I should add - she’s a big baby in the 99th centile and is currently taking 40oz and purées every day)

@Atticus500

I am waking her from naps too. Sometimes she cries at me when I go to wake her and turns away as if to go back to sleep, but I still her her up as that’s what I’ve read I should do (supposedly average sleep for her age is 14.5 hours so that’s exactly what she gets with me waking her up) I even time her naps on my phone so I wake her at exactly the right time. This all feels very cruel though

Unbelievable Of course you're being 'mean' (actually you're being cruel, and weird) stop waking your baby up! 14.5 hours is an AVERAGE meaning some babies like yours need more!!

@Atticus500 yes your cruel OP. The fact that your baby is turning away should be enough!!! FGS why are you following a book? Why is a schedule so important at 4 months old?

It sounds odd that your baby always wakes at 7am! Unless I have forgotten I don’t remember DS waking up to a set time every morning. Throw the book away

Follow your own instincts, if it feels wrong then don't do it.

Try give yourself a break, don't be too hard on yourself

She has the entire rest of her life to desperately crave sleep when it just isn't possible - when she has to be up for school, go out to work, be kept awake by her own children, deal with emergencies, worry about logistical and financial crises, all of the dramas that come with growing older.

At 4 months old, it's impossible to over-indulge them and you just have to let them get on with it and make sure they're fed, changed and cuddled as they need. Whether she needs the sleep (almost certainly) or just really enjoys sleeping, this is her time to be allowed as much as she wants to have.

It's also much less stressful for you to be able to get on with stuff you need to do whilst she's asleep, without having to clock-watch, just listen out for the first 'just woken up' cries.

@NotMaryWhitehouse

A quick search for other lists by the OP suggests she is having a tough time as a new mum. I think she gets everyone's points and could probably do with some support and constructive help.......

@Atticus500 I'm going to be a first time mum next year and I am sure I will make mistakes too- I don't think anybody knows what they're doing the first time around! Do you have a partner or family who helps out with your baby? It sounds like you and baby could both do with a bit more rest.

Take care of yourself and don't beat yourself up too much- your instincts are right here I'm sure, she need a bit more sleep.

Ahhh Yes your right. Have you got family or friends near by OP? What about your health visitor?

Mine slept much less than that during the day at that age, but that was just her - trust me, if I could have managed it I’d have let her sleep as long as she liked to stop her being overtired and sad.

She didn’t sleep through the night until she was 12 months, so lack of daytime sleep certainly didn’t help her sleep better at night. She still wakes up at 5am at nearly two, yet only has the odd catnap in the day.

Yes I think you are being mean, I can't understand why you would do that all. There a hundreds of sleep baby books all saying different things so I don't know why you've focused on this one and decided it is 'right' when it clearly isn't working for your baby.

Hi OP. Ive been following your threads since yiu had your baby girl and I think I remember you saying you have really struggled with PND. So this routine is a way of coping, I think?

With that background, its understandable that you want to find a way to cope, to gain some kind of control back. I second what everyone else is saying, let her sleep if she needs it. Your instincts are telling you that its wrong, so you should trust them. I have a 6 month old. When he was very little he got himself into a routine of having a very long nap over lunch, then shorter naps either side. When he was 4 months this went to shit; he only slept for 45mins at a time. Now hes 6 months hes started having a long lunchtime nap again of about 2 hrs. He'll have 45mins in the morning, then another 45mins in the afternoon (although its looking like this one will be dropped soon). My point in telling you this is that babies will find their own routine that works for them, if you let them. So id let your girl sleep, she might show you what she wants! You never know, you might be blessed with a solid long nap at some point in the day and you can put your feet up!

The OP is neither "cruel" nor "weird". She is a first time mother who sounds a bit anxious to do the right thing and has followed the books a bit too closely. Like many first time mothers this year who haven't had the social groups and new mother networks from which many of us benefited first time around.

I congratulate those of you who were so superior and smug the first time around that you needed no help. I certainly made my share of mistakes, I don't know anyone who didn't.

I understand you're a FTM and might not have spent any time in the company of a baby so advice like "trust your instincts" might not mean anything to you.

I also understand that you've probably heard parents complain about their baby's sleep and you might be a naturally organized person who is attracted to the idea of a schedule

Personally I wouldn't do what you're doing. You understand that an average of 14.5 hours means that the actual hours slept by different babies might be 17 hours to 12 hours in reality? It doesn't mean that 14.5 hours is what they need. If a scientist worked out that adults need 7.5 hours a sleep a night, there's no way that all adults would actually be rested after 7.5 hours iyswim

I would immediately throw away the books.

Waking at a similar ish time every day is a good habit to get into imo. (Say between 7-8) Starting a bedtime routine at a similar time every night is also a good routine to get into. With babies the more tired they are then the worse their quality of sleep becomes ime Babies who nap well during the day seem to sleep well at night too. 3 naps sounds like a good number of naps but if he waiting until she naturally woke up and expect the lunch one in particular to be closer to 2 hours than 1.

I don’t think telling the OP that she is being “cruel” is helpful at all. Sounds like she’s a first time mum, learning as she goes and trying to do her best. The advice she read has gone against her instincts and she’s come here to question that. She just needs support and encouragement to trust herself more than a book, not being guilt tripped.

Our mums were encouraged to feed and nap on a schedule so if you're following the advice of someone much older then that could be why you'll be surprised at these replies urging you to let her choose her nap lengths.

@FizzingWhizzbee123

To be fair OP was the one who said it feels cruel.

Everyone's mentioned the issues with the maps from the start but haven't RTFT- why are you giving her purées already?

And you’ve weaned her already? Where did you get your books from? Last century?

Don't do something that feels cruel! Trust your instincts, you will know the right thing to do. She seems shattered - let her sleep.

All babies are different and some do need a lot more sleep. DD consistently had 6 hours of naps during her first year, it was 3 x 2 hour naps under 7 months and then 2 x 3 hour naps until just over a year old, was bliss She still has a 2/3 hour nap daily at nearly 2 and is in bed for 7pm.

Seriously, just let your baby feed and sleep when they want.

Your post causes me anxiety and stress

You CAN give purees at 4 months, just not before 17 weeks. The NHS guidance mimics the WHO, who have to give general advice to suit the whole world - 6 months is given because its safer for some nations who have lower hygiene standards. Its more about developmental markers. If your baby is hitting the developmental markers needed before weaning, then your good. If you read up on the subject there isnt a consensus on the subject at all.

Everyone needs to stop giving the OP such a hard time and acting so superior.

@OverTheRainbow88 Yes, but I think she was probably hoping people wouldn’t say yes..... I think there’s kinder and more supportive ways to give advice without saying “yes, you’re being cruel”. It’s a harsh word and as a previous poster noted, this mum might be struggling with PND.

Wow. If the book told you to starve your baby- you wouldn’t. Why are you letting a book dictate your little baby’s life?

I have 2dc who are now 9 and 17. They slept from the minute they were born. I used to panic and think about waking them up because it didn’t seem normal but it was very much led by them and we had a great routine, adapted to suit the sleeping pattern etc.

It is relentless to try and live so rigidly. Life doesn’t work like that and believe me I know how important some sort of routine is as both myself and 17yr old ds have AS.

Please let your baby take the lead here. Imagine if you were shattered and having a lovely nap and were suddenly woken up,oys not nice at all and I know your intentions are meant with love but are really misguided.

Babies and children don’t come with a manual.

Sorry meant to add that although they were great sleepers as babies, they’re not any more

Go with your instincts and throw out the books. Best thing I ever did was stop listening to authors who had never met me or my baby and listen to what she was telling me and what my gut was saying.

Let her sleep when she wants to - stop putting so much pressure on yourself and try to enjoy her

I agree with everything said above about not waking a sleeping baby especially as they could be going through a leap or just need more sleep. If you need a routine have you thought about putting your child down at the same time each day? My DD slept and fed on demand and by about 7 months we had established a routine of 2 naps. My DD is also big but she didn't properly eat food until she was 9 or 10 months old so don't feel pressured into purées yet. 4 months is still very little in terms of digestive system development.

Throw whatever book/blog you are reading in the bin!
Your baby is probably crying when you wake them up because they are still tired. Let them sleep for as long as they need but maybe have a cut off point for the last nap. So my DS used to not sleep past 5:30 bedtime 8pm now he’s a bit older he doesn’t get to sleep past 4:30.
He goes down roughly about the same times everyday and usually wakes himself up before the 4:30 cut off, and is a good sleeper at night.
Please don’t stress yourself with what some perfect parent wrote in some book about how much sleep a baby should have. All babies are different and need different naps, food milk etc. Do what works for you and your baby!