Am I being mean to my 4 month old?

[Atticus500]

I’ve read A LOT about sleep and “best practice” for babies since becoming a first time parent, and consequently spend all my time trying to do everything right. I know this is exhausting and stressful but I do at the very least need a routine and some semblance of a schedule so it seems to work for me. However, DD, who is 19 weeks, looks constantly shattered. I’ve got her on a 3 nap schedule with 1 hour naps every 2.5 hours throughout the day and bed at 7.30pm. She wakes for a bottle once or twice, and often sleeps through completely and always has to be woken at 7am. I feel really mean - am I depriving her of sleep? 3 hours of day sleep seems like maybe too little for her age? But then again, I’m keen for her to sleep well at night. Any thoughts? (I should add - she’s a big baby in the 99th centile and is currently taking 40oz and purées every day)

The only real rule I had with mine was Don't Wake The Baby!

OP, are you feeling well in yourself? This isn't something I would normally say, but you sound unusually anxious. It could be perfectly normal new mum stuff, but it might also be worth talking to someone about how you feel. But definitely stop torturing yourself, your baby will set her own routine if you let her.

I’d be interested to know what schedule the OP is following. It does sound like some Truby King nonsense.

I did follow a sleep schedule with my DS since 3 months old because he was prone to overtiredness and would scream. He wouldn’t “sleep when he was tired” so I had to be in control for him by making sure he was put to be early enough. He definitely wasn’t doing any longer than 2-2.5 hours at 4 months old and I definitely wasn’t waking him from naps either. I mostly focused on not exceeding maximum sleep windows and that did help us. It didn’t help him sleep any better at night though, even when he hit the schedule “perfectly”. While he definitely needed some structure, I wish I hadn’t worried quite so much about exact timings. With No 2, I’m certainly going to worry less about it, although imagine we’ll still have a rough routine to aim for in place.

I’d definitely recommend relaxing a bit OP. Let her sleep and see how it goes. What are you worried will happen if she oversleeps? She won’t sleep as well at night? Is that why you’ve started her on purées early? Because, as above, “perfect” day napping had little impact on my son’s sleep anc really wasn’t worth worrying over in the endz

I just let mine find their own routine that then became mine.
Far better than to attempt to fit the baby into your routine.
I never woke them unless they would be going too long without food or water.

*by 2-2.5 hours, I mean that was his maximum awake window.

Slightly different opinion here in that I would wake from naps (I did Gina Ford), but would definitely do a longer nap each day. Max 1 hour seems far too short.

I always made sure to wake at 7, and then put down for naps at the recommended times. Doing things like opening curtains, doors and even running the hoover when nap time was coming to an end

She s four months let her sleep.
Stop reading too rigidly it s feeding your anxiety
By now she should be alert and smily and snd reactive when awake
Make an appointment to show your baby to heslth visitor snd chat.
That s what h v are for.

Who advised pureres before six months?

This is awful.

Babies need sleep for brain development!

I would never wake a sleeping baby. Not until they are a fair bit older anyway and have a much more clearly established pattern during the day and you might end the third nap of the day before the baby woke up on their own in order to ensure they were tired for what had become an established bedtime. But four months old is still really, really little and with a lot of babies no clear routine has emerged by that point. Our naps were always based on the awake time the baby could cope with, so they stayed awake that long in between each sleep. Rather than the naps being at “official” times no matter what. Most advice says that good daytime sleep baguettes good night time sleep. You’re already quite lucky with your nighttime sleep, so I would try not to worry that letting her sleep longer during the day for her naps will automatically create bad nights. It might shift her bedtime a bit later as you figure out how long her naps naturally are. But you’ll probably find that if you let her determine her nap length that a pattern does emerge and you can perhaps structure your day around what she’s telling you rather than setting a pattern in place for her.

Now, OP. There's one thing you need to know about babies, and that is:

THEY HAVEN'T READ THE BOOKS.

All babies are different, and following rigid 'rules' just won't work. Routines are all very well, but the minute you finally think you've got them into a routine, they go and move the goal posts anyway.

When your baby is sleeping, let her wake up naturally when she's ready. Don't force a timetable onto her.

Jesus, what have you been reading? Put it down.

This is extreme. You need to listen to your babies needs instead of scheduling them around yours.
Yes have a rough routine but not this intense.
Babies are supposed to wake up at night. Relax a little!!

I thought it was a cardinal sin to wake a sleeping baby.
I've always let them sleep as long as they wanted while tiny.
The only time I woke mine was when my three year old went for a late nap and it was teatime.

🌸 I’m not here to give advice, my babies are young men now. Just wanted to say it’s not always easy being a first time mum, maybe you should contact your HV for advice. Ignore some of the harsh comments, some people seem to forget people have feelings .

I haven't rtft but please don't feel there's should and shouldn't with naps. it's ok to go with the flow and do whatever suits you and your baby

As countless first time mothers have discovered before - babies have not read the same books as you. At some point you will have to take the step that declares 'Mum knows best'. Use books for help in making your decision, but if you think it's not working, then you're probably right. You know your baby best.

Why do you wake her? I would let her sleep. Have you heard people say “sleep begets sleep”? I think it’s true. Or at least it was with both of mine. They both have epic daytime naps and still go to bed at 7:30pm and wake up at 6am. It took a while but I just let them sleep and wake naturally until they found their own pattern.

Let her sleep as long as she wants, none of mine had a solid routine at 4mths it gradually fell into place around 8mths. At 4mths id be expecting her to have 4 or 5 naps a day of between 1hr and 3hrs

Just to add you are NOT a bad mum. Being a first time mum is hard and confusing. If you were a bad mum you wouldn’t be seeking advice x

The more sleep they get the more they seem to need. Sleep begets sleep. She sounds like a wonderful sleeper. Let her play to her strengths. More sleep for her less stress for you. That's my non medical orders.

Step away from the books! A routine will establish itself, naturally, let it happen. Please don’t consistently wake an over tired baby, it’s cruel.
None of this makes you a bad mum by the way, you’re trying what you think is best. It’s all trial and error in the early days but you will find something you’re happy with.

Why on Earth you wake her up? Do not wake a sleeping baby. You’ll work out a routine soon enough

What they all said.

Don’t wake sleeping babies.

You have a baby who needs more sleep. Let the baby have more sleep. Who said babies had to go to bed at 7pm?

OP my 25 year old never needed more than 10pm to 5.50pm and dropped day time naps early. There was an intermission from 15 to 21.

My 22 year old happily slept from 8pm to 7am with a couple of dream feeds but unless in a cot would not have a day time sleep.

DS still needs about 6hrs in a 24 hour period (as do I and DH), DD still needs an absolute min of 9 hours and happily has an afternoon nap (as does her maternal grannie and a paternal auntie).

They are individuals and can't be pre-programmed!

Sleep on demand at that age is so much better