Am I being mean to my 4 month old?

[Atticus500]

I’ve read A LOT about sleep and “best practice” for babies since becoming a first time parent, and consequently spend all my time trying to do everything right. I know this is exhausting and stressful but I do at the very least need a routine and some semblance of a schedule so it seems to work for me. However, DD, who is 19 weeks, looks constantly shattered. I’ve got her on a 3 nap schedule with 1 hour naps every 2.5 hours throughout the day and bed at 7.30pm. She wakes for a bottle once or twice, and often sleeps through completely and always has to be woken at 7am. I feel really mean - am I depriving her of sleep? 3 hours of day sleep seems like maybe too little for her age? But then again, I’m keen for her to sleep well at night. Any thoughts? (I should add - she’s a big baby in the 99th centile and is currently taking 40oz and purées every day)

Aww, poor thing. If she's knackered, let her sleep!

If she seems tired I would leave her be for naps. I always woke my first baby at 8am to keep the day on track and so he would wake at that time when I had to go to work.

Naps I left him be though and he set his own routine if that makes sense. I agree with others that sleep begets sleep so let her sleep as long as possible during the day.

I am a huge advocate for routine and it totally saved my sanity with DS when he was tiny (he's a big 4 year old now!) I read up loads on it at the time! 3 nap schedule is a good idea as it a bedtime and wake up time in the morning but.... I'd say the hour long naps are too short. The lunchtime nap should be 2 hours. The later afternoon nap should be cut down so that it increases the tiredness before bedtime too.

Oh OP its average sleep is 14.5 not an exact amount you need to do. It is between 12-17 hours and clearly she is telling you NOT to wake her

Please stop waking her and find a schedule that suits you both

Sounds crazy! I'd let her sleep as long as she wants and just make sure to keep her awake time under 2 hours between naps.

My DD2 is only 10 days old but like hell will I be waking her up unless it is essential (needs to feed or unavoidable due to vaccinations or similar). Babies don’t need a strict schedule to suit us. You chose to have a baby knowing it would be a disruption to normal life. Just make the most of the time when she falls asleep during the day and throw away the book. Don’t wake her when she so obviously needs to sleep longer.

In the nicest possible way because you're clearly stressed out by this - if it feels wrong, it probably is. Your baby hasn't read the books - some babies need more sleep. Maybe she just needs a good long nap or lie in rather than being woken?

Now mine is a toddler I'll wake him from a long lunchtime nap so that he'll go to bed at a reasonable time at night. But when he was a baby just let him sleep as much as he needed, and thanked my lucky stars when he went longer than usual!

At that age my daughter slept much longer than 14 hours and slept through from 11pm-6am which was still great. Didn't last though

My son never napped @Atticus500 till he was 2.5yrs old!!!!!!!
He was difficult to get down at night, usually by 10:30pm ish and always slept through for 12hrs - I NEVER woke him up - why do that? everyone is different - babies need a certain amount of sleep but you need to look at the minimum imo.
My son is 7yrs old now and still won't fall asleep till gone 10pm - that's just who he is (and I'm told I was exactly the same).
Go with your baby and let her decide when to wake up - chances are, you're waking her whilst she's in a deep sleep and that's no good for her moods.

Let her sleep! Like adults they are individuals, they have different needs, and it doesn’t matter what the book/website/app says an ‘average’ baby should do if your baby is quite clearly telling you she’s tired. Listen to her, listen to the part of yourself saying it’s cruel.

Pleeeease let her sleep, there are so many parents out there who would love a baby who wants to sleep more!

2.5 hr awake time between naps is too long at that age as well. My 5 month old can barely manage 1. 5 hrs awake before getting cranky.

Babies are individuals. Some need more sleep, some need less. Bin the books and listen to your baby.

I know this is exhausting and stressful but I do at the very least need a routine and some semblance of a schedule so it seems to work for me

It has to be a mixture of what works for you and what works for your baby.

No, you need to stop that

What purées are you giving her?

Oh dear the poor thing! I haven't RTFT but you know sleep is vital for babies growth and development. They need to nap when they want to. Please don't keep such a young baby on a schedule! My DD is nearly 6 months and I couldn't imagine doing this to her.

My DS naturally fitted into the three nap routine but he did it himself...I'd never heard of such a thing until ready your post. He used to wake up when he wanted to in the morning (anytime from 5.30 to 8am) normally had a nap at 9 30 till about 10.30ish this was never reliable though, always had a longer nap at lunchtime and had an extra little snooze at about 3ish but I liked him to be awake by about 5 at the latest so he would be tired for bed time.

Let her sleep. Why are you forcing her into a routine that only benefits you? Go with the flow and let her dictate how long she sleeps for. Surely if she cries when you wake her that feels wrong to you?! Having a baby that sleeps through isn't something you can plan, it's not a sign of being a good parent.

My son is 5.5 months and has three naps a day. I let him sleep for as long or as little as he wants, unless we have something in the diary like meeting friends (and then I extremely reluctantly wake him up). I would recommend following a more natural pattern personally OP - she will fall into her own routine eventually x

I would call a health visitor or your local children’s centre. The reading of all these books, waking a clearly tired baby and feeding a 4 month old puree suggests you need some current advice from a professional rather than reading what sounds like outdated books.

Stop waking her up and stop feeding her purées!

You say it works for you but if it did you wouldn’t be worrying about it and it clearly doesn’t work for your baby.

Unfortunately it's not about what works for you, it's entirely about what works for baby.
You fit in around her, not the other way around.

If she looks knackered it's because she is! Waking her up whilst she turning away from you and desperately trying to go back to sleep seems cruel because it is cruel.

Babies don't read the books. They've their very own individual needs that you need to tune into, she's still so tiny.

Please stop waking her and let her fall into her own sleep schedule. I did with my DD and she was never in bed later than 7:30pm (and with no more than one waking a night, majority of the time there were none.)

Not to sound harsh but the baby shouldn’t fit around your schedule and needs, its the other way around. You might think you’re making it easier for yourself but you’re not in the long run as you will just have a cranky baby.

Babies are good at finding their own routine, just let your baby do their own thing.

I know you say you need a routine but if you leave your DD to sleep when she wants for however long she wants then she’ll likely fall into a (maybe loose) pattern anyway. It won’t be the one you’ve set for her but it’ll be what she needs and then you roughly plan your day around her.

The best advice I was ever given was ‘sleep breeds sleep’. I found it to be true. I let me son sleep when he wanted to at that age. I think if you’re actually noticing a problem that your baby is tired then there might be a problem. Great that you have noticed.

I am confused at why you are waking her? She is still very young and she needs sleep when she needs sleep. I honestly cannot think of anyone else I know who would wake a 19 week old, be kind to yourself as well and let yourself enjoy the rest!

And agree that she will probably fall into her own natural routine soon.