Horrific play date

[SapphosRock]

I am mortified. DD is 5 and in year 1. She is quite highly strung and has the occasional meltdown but otherwise just a normal 5 year old.

Obviously there have been no play dates due to lockdown so this was her first proper one. A lovely little girl in her class bubble (let’s call her Lily) invited her over after school.

I arranged to collect DD after an hour as I know she can get overtired so thought this would be enough. Had a big talk with DD about manners, playing games Lily wants to play as well as her own (she struggles with this), being kind. DD can be sweet and charming and was confident the play date would go well.

Well, I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life. Lily’s dad was clearly very ready for DD to leave. Apparently they couldn’t agree on what game to play and she’d kicked Lily’s bookcase over. She was wearing one of Lily’s dresses and refused to take it off. She then refused to leave. Had a full on meltdown when i tried to help get the dress off, screamed, shouted, ran into Lily’s Dad’s bedroom, pulled his curtains and tried to get in his bed, shouting ‘no no no no’ the entire time and ‘worst play date ever’.

I would have physically carried her out but I had baby DS with me too so couldn’t carry them both. I asked if we could return the dress at school tomorrow to make a quicker exit but this made Lily cry so I had to get it off DD.

No exaggeration DD kept up the meltdown for over half an hour with Lily and her dad staring at us with shocked faces. I was apologising profusely and trying to calm
DD down enough to leave. In the end I had to leave DS with them, carry DD to the car with her kicking, screaming and clawing at my face, lock her in the car and go back to retrieve DS. It was hideous.

How should I have handled that? She’s lost her screen time for a week and no more play dates for the foreseeable. When she calmed down she said she didn’t know why she got so angry and she made Lily a card to say sorry (unprompted).

I don’t know how that could have been avoided? I made sure she had a snack after school before going to Lily’s so she wasn’t hungry. Other kids just don’t behave like that.

How can I make sure that never happens again?

I think the playdate after school was just too much for her.

When I pick up children of this age from school, they can be absolutely horrendous for about half an hour or so.

Was she given a snack, or didn't it get that far? I find a quick snack when they get in boosts their sugar levels and prevents a lot of tantrums and tears.
I would head off playdates after school for now: they're never a good idea when children are too tired for them.

I think the fact she wrote to say sorry is really encouraging ie she knew she had done wrong. If I was that dad I would think that a sorry note was the perfect response.

OP what you have described is the way that autism presents in girls.

Oh fuck off. Both myself and DD are autistic and neither of us 'presented' like this. Leave the diagnostics to the experts.

I don’t know why people keep telling you that you should have stayed@SapphosRock

You weren’t invited to stay! If I had dd’s friend over for an hour, I wouldn’t want her mother and baby brother there, too

Exactly what I came on to say! Who wants the parents and possibly siblings when you have a child to play? You invite a child to play so they can occupy your own. They play together and have tea (sometimes) then you send them off home a couple of hours later.

There's no way I'd have stayed at a playdate unless I knew the mum and we wanted a catch up.

Suspect she’s over tired. Give play dates a break

MrsJ
To be fair to those posters, at dds school it pretty much standard practice to invite the parent or be invited for the first time when dcs were really little. Some parents wouldn’t agree to it without being present at mine or me being present at theirs.

I don’t know any parents that stay for year 1 play dates. And certainly not got 8-9 year olds. It will blow over OP. X

Please don't stress, these things happen. I had a visiting child kick off in a similar way at home time. I could see his mum was mortified so I just drifted off downstairs like I hadn't noticed and he calmed down. My dcs have behaved badly when overtired or hungry. 5 is still little, and a playdate after a long day at school can be exhausting.

Maybe arrange a meet up in the park next time, so you can stay and take her home if she looks to be struggling.

Please don't worry. It happens. After school play dates especially at the moment are not something I would ever do. Unless I was confident they could cope and wouldn't be tired. She sounded tired and overwhelmed. Don't worry about the other family. All kids act up sometimes. Just stay next time or have kids to you. Build up her confidence in challenging social situations. She sounded tired and upset. Which is ok at five. We are only getting to a diagnosis at 10. You have time... don't panic. Keep responding to what YOUR child needs and not what other people may think!

For what its worth Ive had playdates when my son was a similar age were the child came to my house and was "highly strung" shall we say. Also massive tantrums when it was time to go home (not helped in one time by the mum saying oh well lets wait for the next bus and getting her coat of and sitting down. It took over an hour to get rid of them but thats getting of the subjest). The point is its reasonably normal although the majority of playdates are fine. I dont think it reflects badly on the child if they have an "off day" at that age. I have had some of the same children back and theyve been fine.

Also as others are saying, the lockdown and then being over tired from being back at school will have made a difference as well.

The kicking off, while mortifying for you, sounds like it all just got too much for her. Managing it better at the time, personally I would have handed the baby over to the Dad asking if he would hold him for a minute right at the start of the tantrum as soon as she had started kicking off and physically removed the dress regardless of how she was acting, taken her straight out to the car then retrieved the baby. Basically precisely what you ended up doing but earlier! There is no point in trying to reason with her when she has worked herself up into such a state. If you can do it don't lose your cool and just apologise profusely. Kids have tantrums, hopefully she will grow out of it, usually they gain attention by doing so, so if you can avoid giving her what she wants from the tantrum it will end earlier.

It does sound too much after a school day.

It doesn't sound as if a parent stepped in to sort anything out either if it got to the point of a bookcase being kicked over.

Then Lily crying about the dress.

They both sound overwrought.

I can also remember when helping supervise a sports day for 4/5 year olds (NEVER again) the little girl in my group who was the best behaved all the way through (whilst i constantly had to chivvy my son and 2 other boys into doing the tasks required) had a massive tantrum when her granmother came to collect her. It just gets too much for them at that age

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl

I'm afraid you need to buckle up. This isn't going away and isn't getting better. Adhd/autism starts about now. I know I'll get shouted down for this but I'm sure as you add more info (you've already made it clear you've been managing her behaviour) it will be more obvious on here. There's a great board for mums with SEN kids on MN maybe move this there? She might well be bright and mostly ok. If it's adhd and she's well brought up and managed and it's not the very severe form (or co-morbid with anything else) it will be easier. But not easy.

WFT are you on about??? 🤨 everything you’ve said here is a load of bollocks!

Tiredness??
My DD used to be highly-strung like this. Had the most horrendous tantrums around that age for similar reasons. I found tiredness made the tantrums a lot worse. They were also preludes to mild illness.
She is now 11 and very chill, for the most part. If she does have a crying episode due to hormones, stress, tiredness, she is very quick to come out of it with space and cuddles.
Avoid after school playdates until spring/summer or just do weekends only.

I’ve had loads of visiting kids have meltdowns when it was time to leave at that age. I’m surprised at people saying this could be something more. They’re young, they’re tired, they don’t want to go. They grow out of it.

I do understand though-my DD was always the one to have tantrums about leaving, for instance, whilst her friends of the same age rarely did. I'm sure my parenting was questioned a lot and I was always being given advice. It is embarrassing. Happened a lot on playdates and get togethers.

Maybe bribery next time? I promise when we get home you can have XYZ? Sometimes all you need to do is break the spell. They get so caught up in the moment that they can't think straight! "You can watch three back to back episodes of .... " or "Mummy will let you have a whole mars bar after dinner..... But only if you take the dress off now." it's one person's will against the other.

I found this hilarious to read. So sorry you had to go through it. It will be one to tell the grandchildren LOL! By then it will all seem funny and in the far and distant past. In the meantime, yes, sod the playdates. I hate them with a capital H.

I think you were silly to drop her off. She's just too young and clearly needs your support and discipline.

At the end of the day, you can pick a child up and carry them. Same with getting off a dress. My children know that if they act like babies they will find out I'm stronger and able to put them wherever they need to be, regardless of soundtracks. It's a horrid situation for you but not difficult to say 'hold the baby while I deal with this please'.

At the age of 5, many children throw tantrums and test boundaries. Will you stand up to them and stand firm? Or will you cave and let their wild behaviour dominate the situation? It's hard sometimes to be firm and take control, but the child actually feels relief when you do...because they've confirmed that there are guard rails after all, and you won't let them continue in free fall. Whereas if you keep giving in, the panic compounds because they've perceived you won't stand firm and it's scary to know you could just keep drowning in despair.

Hopefully it's just a phase and works itself out after a while. Just take a break from play date pressures and don't panic if more tantrums happen again. They probably will for a while. Take a deep breath and stand firm, it will be ok.

Who are these people who drop their five year olds off unsupervised with unknown strangers?

Being another parent doesn't make them safe.

Oh fuck off. Both myself and DD are autistic and neither of us 'presented' like this.

Clearly uncalled for aggression has absolutely nothing to do with it. No parallels whatsoever...

Don’t feel bad op, she’s only 5, it’s been hard lately for children.
She may have autism but don’t stress yourself out trying to decipher her behaviour, maybe mention it to the school as a starting point.

Have a glass of 🍷 op X

I’d ring the dad to make amends and possibly drop a bottle of wine round. Sometimes kids can just go off on one for no particular reason. I’d also suggest she hands the card over directly herself to Lily and says sorry.