Horrific play date

[SapphosRock]

I am mortified. DD is 5 and in year 1. She is quite highly strung and has the occasional meltdown but otherwise just a normal 5 year old.

Obviously there have been no play dates due to lockdown so this was her first proper one. A lovely little girl in her class bubble (let’s call her Lily) invited her over after school.

I arranged to collect DD after an hour as I know she can get overtired so thought this would be enough. Had a big talk with DD about manners, playing games Lily wants to play as well as her own (she struggles with this), being kind. DD can be sweet and charming and was confident the play date would go well.

Well, I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life. Lily’s dad was clearly very ready for DD to leave. Apparently they couldn’t agree on what game to play and she’d kicked Lily’s bookcase over. She was wearing one of Lily’s dresses and refused to take it off. She then refused to leave. Had a full on meltdown when i tried to help get the dress off, screamed, shouted, ran into Lily’s Dad’s bedroom, pulled his curtains and tried to get in his bed, shouting ‘no no no no’ the entire time and ‘worst play date ever’.

I would have physically carried her out but I had baby DS with me too so couldn’t carry them both. I asked if we could return the dress at school tomorrow to make a quicker exit but this made Lily cry so I had to get it off DD.

No exaggeration DD kept up the meltdown for over half an hour with Lily and her dad staring at us with shocked faces. I was apologising profusely and trying to calm
DD down enough to leave. In the end I had to leave DS with them, carry DD to the car with her kicking, screaming and clawing at my face, lock her in the car and go back to retrieve DS. It was hideous.

How should I have handled that? She’s lost her screen time for a week and no more play dates for the foreseeable. When she calmed down she said she didn’t know why she got so angry and she made Lily a card to say sorry (unprompted).

I don’t know how that could have been avoided? I made sure she had a snack after school before going to Lily’s so she wasn’t hungry. Other kids just don’t behave like that.

How can I make sure that never happens again?

I have a y1 child and i would have stayed during the playdate

I wouldn’t stop play dates but I just change them so that she has a bit more control and you can supervise.

I can also recommend the books “The Explosive Child” and “My Hidden Chimp”.

I think taking away screen time for one day will be as effective as the whole week and less of a punishment for you!

My DD was similar after school at that age and not even on a play date. She was so stressed I think that getting out of school caused a meltdown when she was back in her safe environment.
Then adding even an hour at someone else’s house was maybe your DD’s tipping point. She was probably so excited and tired at the same time lots of new thing to look at and play with (the dress) just too much.
I never did alone play dates until they were much older maybe 7+
Please don’t feel bad just cuddle her explain why it was wrong to do what she did (just pick a few key things like going in the dads room and not removing the dress) and that you would have liked to pick her up without that behaviour but then move on.
Also the other parents will have their turn no child is always perfect.
I remember that feeling so well my DD does have a few ASD traits even now but she is also happy very academic good friends etc.

Some harsh comments here - she was probably exhausted - not used to playdates and it all got a bit much. It happens OP.

Some unfortunate ignorance is some posts. It is entirely reasonable to suggest considering autism screening - meltdowns, easily overloaded ("I arranged to collect DD after an hour as I know she can get overtired"), preoccupation with own interests and some challenges with social interactions. I am about to get my 18 year old daughter assessed (yes, girls can be that good at masking it)

That would have been my DS at that age, he used to have the most hideous meltdowns that lasted ages. There was nothing you could do to calm him down, I used to just put him in his bedroom until he calmed himself down. Some kids tantrum, some don't and it doesn't mean she has autism or such.

Don't beat yourself up about it, just go along to the next play date ( I wouldn't have left DS on his own there at 5) and she will gradually grow out of it. DS is 18 now and very chilled.

In Y1 parents usually stayed for play dates.

The first one we hosted without parents DTs were in Y2, their mate weed in the doll's potty in the playroom.

I never told the mum, and they have grown up as best mates so things do get better.

Surely her nursery or school would have flagged any concerns to us? No issues with her behaviour at school that we've heard of.

Schools are shit at flagging autistic traits in girls, especially girls who mask at school. They only flag the kids who are disruptive.

I’ve LONG suspected my daughter isn’t neurotypical. School have never had any concerns because she’s perfectly behaved at school. Home is a different story. It’s taken me a long time to compile enough evidence to get her on the waiting list for assessment, and she’s now 9.

My advice? Just keep it in mind. You don’t need to do anything right now, but keep aware of her meltdowns and their triggers, and any other examples of social difficulties, rigid thinking etc.

I’m another one suggesting this could be ASD, and I’m not saying that at random. My DS was diagnosed with ASD aged 7. Autistic behaviours don’t start at age 5, but they do become more apparent at that age. As others have already said, holding it together at school before decompressing at home are part of it, and a play date after school made her day too long. Transitions are another flash point, as is loss of routine.

OP, I think it would worth pursuing an assessment. It might not be autism, but the National Autistic Society will be able to advise on the best route to assessment in your area, and help you with strategies to help you and your DD in the meantime.

My son who is now 18 had a playdate like this when he was in reception. A girl came to our house to play and when it was time for her to go he threw her cardigan in the bath so she couldnt leave. I was really worried at the time. They are now best friends and he has just gone off to Cammbridge to start university.
So yes it could be a sign of things to come , it could also be normal strong willed 5 year old behaviour.

So even if your daughter did have ADD (which I don't think this is evidence for AT ALL), you'd still need to manage her behaviour. I think she's just too young at the moment to be left on a playdate on her own. A new sibling, strange school experience, lockdown - everyone's having a hard time at the moment and she's only 5.

It must have been really unpleasant for her too. Don't take away screentime unless it's directly related to her behaviour. Next time go with her/have the kids over to yours, make it short and make light of her meltdown, don't engage with it at all, certainly don't try to reason with her at this point - this kind of thing feeds on attention. You just need to pick them up and take them home when there in this kind of mood and wait til they calm down (as you did eventually).

Ah, this has brought back memories of a play date DS had at the same age (he's now 15!) which still gets brought up as a conversation topic all these years later. It was equally traumatic - although we were the hosts, and it was both children who were being truly horrific. DH was looking after them (he's normally brilliant with young children) and I came home from work to find 2 screaming children and a look of utter despair on DH's face that I've never seen before (or since)

On the bright side, it never happened again (sorry if this offends you) because we never invited the child back.

As PP have said, most people experience a play date from hell at some point. Perhaps next time meet in a park/somewhere more neutral?

My eight year old decided to randomly ruin my life once. I went to pick him up from an after school playdate and he completely kicked off at me. Refused to leave. Demanded to stay for his tea despite not having been invited. It was so fucking humiliating.

I tried endless upbeat chat but it didn't work so I had to physically pull him at which point he kicked me hard.

The lovely family were saying 'oh it's fine!' but they were clearly aghast at this vile behaviour and my utter inability to handle it without provoking violence.

We finally made it out onto the street and he sat down and refused to move so the fight went on until I promised him ice cream. Absolute worst parenting of all time but I had no idea how else to get him home.

I have never felt so crap about myself or so lost. Luckily he hasn't done it since and has developed a sense of embarrassment himself (age 10) so he's nice in front of other parents now.

Sympathy.

@Zany15

Why do people assume that a child has a 'condition' when they have quite simply been very naughty? Some firm discipline is needed, to ensure that she doesn't behave in that way again.

I thought I was the only one who dared to think this. My kids feet wouldn't have touched the floor pulling that crap.

I would just stop playdates for a year or two and try again when she's a bit older. I've found children aren't all ready for the same things at the same age, eg I booked swimming lessons for my son when he was 5 and after the first two he refused to even step out of the front door to go to them even though he normally does as he was told, he was adamant to wouldn't even go to the pool. I booked lessons again when he was 7 and he loved them.

My son was diagnosed with ASD at 13. Girls are harder to diagnose. The OP had concerns about her daughter and was told it was terrible twos. I don't think a lot of people realise how hard it is to get a child diagnosed. In my experience the only children who are diagnosed relatively quickly are non verbal. Yes, it could just be that she's young, overtired ect ect but it's about the bigger picture.

You poor thing.

My DS has that side to him, and it can be mortifying. BUT it is getting less and less with gentle management, positive reinforcement when we can and very tangible repurcussions that he can understand. And we always drawing a line under it when he's calmed enough and we've spoken to him/punishment has been completed. I'm a firm believer in starting each day with a clean slate, otherwise after a bad day he feels like he's fighting a losing battle and it just makes him flare up quicker. So don't feel totally helpless, you did the best you could in a very stressful situation.

It being her first play date and with a friend from school - so assuming not with a child or family that know you and her well (?) - along with it being after school and you not being there, sounds very much like her being thrown in the deep end. Don't ban play dates, but do them differently - make sure you can be there, or if you need to leave her, try and do this with friends and grown ups that she is more familiar with, for now. Just take it step by step.

@SBTLove - All behaviour is communication. "Some kids are just naughty" is a total over simplification of the situation.

I suspect she was tired, overwhelmed, didn't know how to express/manage those feelings. I have always done supervised playdates with mine until they get to the age when they know their class a bit better and can make their own choices about setting up play dates.

Don't beat yourself up about it, also, don't punish her. Whats the point? Say you are disappointed, and teach her to express and manage the emotions and the behaviour will follow.

Explain to the father that she was overwhelmed, and apologise for her behaviour, suggesting a supervised rerun when things have calmed down a bit. Maybe at your house so you can keep an eye on dynamics. Most parents will be understanding - most parents will have experienced outlandish behaviour from their child at some point in time.

Relax.

@BadDucks

Autism starts about now? What a load of bollocks!!! Please don’t advise on something you are clearly quite ignorant about!

Anyway OP I think for a while play dates should be held at your home and be well supervised and short! Keep them structured if needs be and give your dd some control over the activities.

I’m not sure what you could have done differently at pick up she’s already gone over to the dark side and there’s not much reasoning at that point. I would have not tried reasoning just bundled in the car and let her ride out the storm at home

Agreed.

This just sounds like a tired meltdown and too excited. They haven't had this for a while due to lockdown.

Speak to her about it. Has anything big happened in her life recently? Any changes? Anything that day?

I remember a little girl at school doing something similar in my home. She was diagnosed with ADHD, but I feel like they were just handing those diagnosis out left, right and centre at the time.

And I think it's great that you're so concerned. Some parents would just write it off.

Apologise to the Dad, send the card and try to do a play date again -but supervised?

Oh God MorrisZapp sounds awful (and familiar). I'm glad he's come out the other side.

At 5 I would have stayed for the first plydate at a new home. With a naughty child you’re usually able to at least bribe them, I don’t think the behaviour you described is typical. Especially that you already suspected there could have been an issue before.

I have been there OP. DD doesn’t have autism but does have a medical condition which means she gets way more tired than average and struggles with emotional control. Which basically means she can sometimes behave like an absolute brat especially at the end of the day. Sigh.

It is really embarrassing isn’t it. I think all you can do is send an apology, and say that isn’t usual for DD and you wouldn’t have sent her if you’d had any idea she would behave like that.

They are all really tired at the moment and there are a lot of colds going round, maybe she is coming down with one.

ADHD diagnoses are NOT handed out left right and centre. People who say that have never had the pleasure of attempting to get one.

Chalk it up to tiredness, being in an unfamiliar house without you, five year old squabbles, whatever

This. She was clearly just overwhelmed by the situation. It is not uncommon for such young children to be overwhelmed by their emotions and behave like this. Lily's dad doesn't know her or know how to handle it. You DD didn't know Lily's dad so there was no-one there to help her as she started to get overwhelmed.
Please don't punish her. She was in a situation that was too much for her. Another PP was right that you needed to be there to help her.
You need to look at this as a learning opportunity for you, as to what your daughter can and cannot handle at this age, what support she needs from you.
If she wrote a sorry card she probably already feels ashamed and embarrassed by her behaviour. If you punish her you are likely to increase her shame and anxiety and make future outbursts more likely, not less.