Horrific play date

[SapphosRock]

I am mortified. DD is 5 and in year 1. She is quite highly strung and has the occasional meltdown but otherwise just a normal 5 year old.

Obviously there have been no play dates due to lockdown so this was her first proper one. A lovely little girl in her class bubble (let’s call her Lily) invited her over after school.

I arranged to collect DD after an hour as I know she can get overtired so thought this would be enough. Had a big talk with DD about manners, playing games Lily wants to play as well as her own (she struggles with this), being kind. DD can be sweet and charming and was confident the play date would go well.

Well, I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life. Lily’s dad was clearly very ready for DD to leave. Apparently they couldn’t agree on what game to play and she’d kicked Lily’s bookcase over. She was wearing one of Lily’s dresses and refused to take it off. She then refused to leave. Had a full on meltdown when i tried to help get the dress off, screamed, shouted, ran into Lily’s Dad’s bedroom, pulled his curtains and tried to get in his bed, shouting ‘no no no no’ the entire time and ‘worst play date ever’.

I would have physically carried her out but I had baby DS with me too so couldn’t carry them both. I asked if we could return the dress at school tomorrow to make a quicker exit but this made Lily cry so I had to get it off DD.

No exaggeration DD kept up the meltdown for over half an hour with Lily and her dad staring at us with shocked faces. I was apologising profusely and trying to calm
DD down enough to leave. In the end I had to leave DS with them, carry DD to the car with her kicking, screaming and clawing at my face, lock her in the car and go back to retrieve DS. It was hideous.

How should I have handled that? She’s lost her screen time for a week and no more play dates for the foreseeable. When she calmed down she said she didn’t know why she got so angry and she made Lily a card to say sorry (unprompted).

I don’t know how that could have been avoided? I made sure she had a snack after school before going to Lily’s so she wasn’t hungry. Other kids just don’t behave like that.

How can I make sure that never happens again?

I agree with @Woundedadmiral.

The traditional parenting techniques of timeouts/reward charts etc never worked for one of my children - they made everything much, much worse. It can help to think of the out-of-control incidents not as bad behaviour, but as an indication that your child may be overwhelmed by the demands placed on her at the time. The chances are she's not being 'naughty' at all.

Ross Greene's 'The Explosive Child' might help. Basically, he advises focusing not on the child's behaviour, but on what's causing the behaviour...and trying to figure out any lagging skills and unsolved problems collaboratively.

Thank you @Woundedadmiral I think we will. I mentioned it yesterday to my child psychologist friend and she said it was in the realms of normal behaviour for her age. Also, she's missed 6 important months of socialisation that she would have had in Reception.

It's not really about having a label or a diagnosis, it's being able to help her.

Thanks LizzieAnt - she is certainly an explosive child! So I will get that.

It's reassuring to hear something is within the realms of normal. We heard that too. Ultimately it delayed a diagnosis. Yes, they were things that many children did but for our child they were signs that help was needed. I agree the label is meaningless but if you're relying on a typical processing cognitive response and it simply isn't there right now, you will get nowhere. I would push in your position and say "Great that it may be nothing but if it was something, what would an appropriate intervention look like?" and in the meantime look at whatever strategies are out there that don't involve delayed gratification and punitive responses. I would still carry her off to end a scene though, there's only so much you can take!

Facebook groups are great for sharing info and dealing with experts even if you only need to stay a little while.

Don't expect schools to flag concerns necessarily. That would not necessarily happen even when its staying then in v the face

Well done on the orange/red chat. To be honest at age 5 I think she is unlikely to recognise and tell you when she’s on orange - more likely that you will need to watch out for signs of orange and suggest some quiet time or a cuddle, drink, slow breaths etc. As she gets older she will be more able to do it herself.

Some children absolutely do not respond to punishments/consequences applied after the event, no matter how consistently applied. They are simply not able to control themselves enough to stop the meltdown, even if they know a negative consequence will follow and will be desperately upset when it does. That’s what makes them different and makes parenting them harder work.

All of these “you need to be firm” “take back control” “apply discipline” posters have, I suspect, never had a child like this. The OP is applying traditional “consequences for bad behaviour” discipline and it doesn’t work because the child is not (yet) able to get herself under control.

Good luck OP. You might also talk to school about what they use to calm children down - many schools also talk to the children about zones of regulation, square breathing etc so it may be good to use the same terms they do.

Thanks so much minipie - we managed to avoid one today. She told me she was staring to feel angry so we quickly went and sat on the stairs and practiced the breathing she told me they do at school.

'Smell the roses' for breathe in
'Blow out the candles' for breathe out.

Then had some cuddles for a few minutes.

It worked! Meltdown completely avoided and she has been fine for the rest of the day.

I don't know if it will always be so easy but I'm very grateful for the advice. Thank you.

Fantastic work! And great advice minipie! I mentioned adhd originally because punishment and consequences (or threats of) simply don't work, once the strong emotions kick in they hijack the brain and all the things they know they should do go out the window.

That technique however stops it before it starts. Much easier. Her self esteem will rocket as she learns she can be 'good' after all. There's nothing more soul destroying than being bad and knowing you are and not being able to change it. Giving her this superpower will result in a virtuous circle of knowing she can be good, and feeling better about herself therefore not having that stress in the first place.