Horrific play date

[SapphosRock]

I am mortified. DD is 5 and in year 1. She is quite highly strung and has the occasional meltdown but otherwise just a normal 5 year old.

Obviously there have been no play dates due to lockdown so this was her first proper one. A lovely little girl in her class bubble (let’s call her Lily) invited her over after school.

I arranged to collect DD after an hour as I know she can get overtired so thought this would be enough. Had a big talk with DD about manners, playing games Lily wants to play as well as her own (she struggles with this), being kind. DD can be sweet and charming and was confident the play date would go well.

Well, I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life. Lily’s dad was clearly very ready for DD to leave. Apparently they couldn’t agree on what game to play and she’d kicked Lily’s bookcase over. She was wearing one of Lily’s dresses and refused to take it off. She then refused to leave. Had a full on meltdown when i tried to help get the dress off, screamed, shouted, ran into Lily’s Dad’s bedroom, pulled his curtains and tried to get in his bed, shouting ‘no no no no’ the entire time and ‘worst play date ever’.

I would have physically carried her out but I had baby DS with me too so couldn’t carry them both. I asked if we could return the dress at school tomorrow to make a quicker exit but this made Lily cry so I had to get it off DD.

No exaggeration DD kept up the meltdown for over half an hour with Lily and her dad staring at us with shocked faces. I was apologising profusely and trying to calm
DD down enough to leave. In the end I had to leave DS with them, carry DD to the car with her kicking, screaming and clawing at my face, lock her in the car and go back to retrieve DS. It was hideous.

How should I have handled that? She’s lost her screen time for a week and no more play dates for the foreseeable. When she calmed down she said she didn’t know why she got so angry and she made Lily a card to say sorry (unprompted).

I don’t know how that could have been avoided? I made sure she had a snack after school before going to Lily’s so she wasn’t hungry. Other kids just don’t behave like that.

How can I make sure that never happens again?

Oh @SapphosRock how awful for you - hope you and DD are okay?
My son has never had a play-date where I've left him there - I always stay and chat to the parent whilst overseeing the playdate - he's 7 now and hasn't had a play date since last year! I've noticed some children in my son's class (Yr 3) now do go on playdates without their parent(s) but this is after 3/4yrs of establishing relations with both the child and the parent(s).
Good luck for next time!

Leave the diagnostics to the experts

Yes , please do.

Bless you...one day you'll look back and laugh and re-tell the story at family parties...until then

@Doliv63

People saying that you should have stayed is not the answer. Admittedly it’s a few years since my children were so young but I always thought that children were generally better behaved when their parents are not present. I would just call the parents and apologise .

I think you're missing the point. If the OP's daughter's misbehaviour had begun while her mother was present, had she stayed for the playdate, the OP could have extracted her immediately and avoided what actually happened, which was that the other child's parent had to deal with her fighting with their child and kicking over a bookcase etc for a full hour even before the OP arrived to pick her up and the full-on meltdown started. Some children do behave better for strangers, but clearly not in this case.

Presumably staying for a five year old's playdate is not the norm in the OP's circles or she would have stayed. I was just surprised because when DS was five, parents of his friends virtually always stayed for playdates in case of sudden attacks of homesickness, meltdowns etc.

PS. I hope you've had a chance to relax about it and have a glass of wine, OP.

I don't think you should have left her there at all. That was a mistake.

It sounds like whatever is going on, you are not able to handle her, and the situation was totally out of hand if it lasted that long.

You can't leave her anywhere by herself.

If this type of thing keeps happening when you do something unusual, you should probably look in to getting an assessment, but in the meantime there is a very good book called 'setting limits with your strong willed child' and this is very good.

I hope you are ok, I totally understand what you are going through, most parents have at least one story like this, it's ok! Best wishes to you and your daughter.

I find it interesting the differences here on what age children have playdates/should be left on playdates. My son had his first playdate alone when he was about 4 although he did know the other parents. But it seems very common in my circles - I have had kids at 4/5 round lots. I can understand if your child has lots of siblings that you might not want to send one of to someone elses house - but my child is an only child and he really enjoys it. I know the OPs child isnt technically an only but if her sibling is a small baby then its pretty much the same thing.

My son is an only child, but that had no bearing on when he started to go on playdates without a parent there, it was more a matter of going along with local norms. I would say his classmates were probably verging on six by the time it was assumed a parent wouldn't stay (with individual exceptions, of course DS certainly played alone much earlier with friends who lived very close by or whom he/we knew very well) but I imagine Covid and being out of school so long will have made a significant difference, too.

Think it’s all been said OP, she’s a little girl, she had a strop, nobody died. You’re naturally mortified, the dad is probably thinking WTF happened there, oh well she’s gone home now. Don’t beat yourself up about it, and maybe leave play dates till she’s older.

Thank you to everyone who has replied. I appreciate you taking the time to share your experiences and it is reassuring to know that others have been through similar.

I messaged Lily's dad and he sent me a lovely text back saying not to worry etc so that's a relief.

Re the screen time, she has half an hour of TV in the morning and half an hour to a hour in the evening. I think that's fine for her age but get the point that banning screen time wasn't a suitable punishment. I was so angry with her yesterday I wasn't thinking straight.

Re potential SEN, I have wondered a few times in her life if she does need to be assessed. She has had meltdowns all her life, even the midwife remarked she was unusually spirited when she was a few days old. She was an extremely difficult toddler. She's got a lot better but we do need to manage her very carefully (make sure she's never hungry, always gets to bed on time, keeps to the same routine). The difference between her and DS is huge, he's very chilled and happy to go with the flow.

DD loses her shit about once or twice a month now but I never thought she would do it at a friend's house. She's usually really well behaved around other people and saves the tantrums for home.

When she loses it there's absolutely no reasoning with her. It's almost like she's possessed. She suffers with night terrors and it's similar, as if she's not really in control of herself.

Aside from that, she's a lovely kid! Lots of people remark on how articulate and intelligent she is. She seems to be popular at school. She's very loving and adores her brother. On the other hand she's obsessed with having a dummy (I know!) and cries most nights asking for one even though the dummy fairy took them away years ago.

I have a friend who is a child psychologist and knows DD really well so I've asked if I can have a quick chat to get some advice.

OP, your child is so young and has not long started infants school. This time of year is so tiring for them and tantrums increase because of it. Kids need the tiniest reason to let rip, IMO. It's usually an excuse/outlet for the tiredness/potential illness/starting formal learning/long days or whatever else is going on.
Even though my DD had horrendous tantrums, I never thought that she had an SEN because socially/academically she behaved as 'normal' (whatever that is!) Not ruling out SEN either.
She will outgrow it but it is hard-going.

Trust your gut @SapphosRock. Like I said earlier, I know what it’s like to have suspicions that your child is a bit unusual.

@Oblomov20

I completely disagree with nearly everyone on this thread. The behaviour was so bad, that tiredness just doesn't cut it. Her behaviour is seriously not ok. And I think it's been appeased and justified and tamed down on this thread, when I actually feel it's totally unacceptable. Even ASD or ADHD doesn't justify it. And yes I am a SN parent, and have 3 friends with dc severe ADHD.

You sound unhinged.

Oh, Op. You had a very rough time. Sometimes it’s really hard for little one’s to keep it together after a full day of school. Children kick off all the time. Chalk it up to a bad day. Maybe limit play dates to half an hour in the future or don’t schedule them on weekdays at all.

@Oblomov20 I kind of agree with you in a way. I'm the same as you one of my children has ASD and ADHD and your right that behaviour should not be allowed to happen. Under my arm and to the car that would have been. I've dealt with many meltdowns in my parenting and in my professional careers.
Obviously an older child is harder to do that with but it is important a child learns that this behaviour is not ok at any age.

Glad that you are looking into it Op and ignoring the naysayers

even the midwife remarked she was unusually spirited when she was a few days old

Just curious about that. How would a baby, a few days old, be 'unusually spirited'.

Glad you heard back from the dad. Learn from what happened and move on.

Visions of the spirited baby now, what did she do exactly?

IQ tests were discredited years ago btw. And how does a 5 year old have an unusually" high score"

[quote supersonicginandtonic]@Oblomov20 I kind of agree with you in a way. I'm the same as you one of my children has ASD and ADHD and your right that behaviour should not be allowed to happen. Under my arm and to the car that would have been. I've dealt with many meltdowns in my parenting and in my professional careers.
Obviously an older child is harder to do that with but it is important a child learns that this behaviour is not ok at any age.
[/quote]
You obviously didn't read the bit where the OP explained she couldn't do this because she was holding a baby and had to get the dress off. A bit of reading comprehension and more importantly compassion wouldn't go amiss.

I had a very spirited baby/toddler/child after having a horizontal and chilled son first. Now a teen and quick humoured, upbeat, articulate, solid friendship group, driven with hobbies, caring, admirable morals and achieving well. It’s like being older suited better and being younger and unable to fully express self was frustrating

Well I don't think you'll have that problem again, as she probably won't get any more invites.

You need to ask the school about her behaviour there, and see if they can observe her for a while.

It might not necessarily be SEN, she might've just been really naughty. By doing the card, she's acknowledged that her behaviour was wrong.

Ohhh OP. I’m not sure you could of done anything different. But sometimes kids do listen if they are told off by someone else and sort of stop in shock. Since you had DS there’s not a lot you could of done. It sounds like Lily’s parent should have stepped in as it sound like it all got a bit much.

I wouldn’t do any activity like that with your DD after school as she probably was tired and it made her behaviour worse.

Is your DD a bit spoilt? Or do you actually think there’s something off about her behaviour? It just sounds like she wanted her own way to me.

@pilates

That isn’t normal behaviour. Has something happened recently, is it a one off? You say she has meltdowns and highly strung. Perhaps you need to go and see a professional to investigate further?

^ This

She is very young and this year has been a lot. I think keeping her home and keeping a close eye on her is a good idea for the foreseeable future. However, I do just want to tell you that I was told very firmly by a paediatrician that DS3 didn’t have autism, just before he started school, that he was emotionally immature and would catch up. He was diagnosed with autism at the end of Year 3. The social whirl of school was where we really began to see that he was struggling.

Don’t be too mortified. These things happen. If it helps you to know, DS3 had bitten about 6 of his peers with in less than a month of starting school and I thought I would never hold my head up again. I had a knot in my stomach at pick up every day. But time is a great healer and people are often kinder than I expect.

I know others have said this but 5 is too young for unsupervised playdates. You need to go along and endure the horror of forced sociability with people you may have nothing in common with until well into y2 or when there have been enough playdates at the same place that everything is familiar and on track. Which is why my kids barely ever went on playdates because I am rubbish at it.