would you have another baby just to 'try again for a girl/boy'

[obabadabobba]

I have three beautiful boys, I would die for them all I love them more than life and would never swap them. but, I can't bare the thought of never having a daughter and I am considering having another baby just to 'try again'
I cant even talk to my dh about this, it breaks my heart, I have a lump in my throat writing this and I think about it every day.
I have got to the point where I avoid friends with their little girls because it makes me feel sad.

I know some will call me selfish or ungreatful, I wish more than anything I could just get over it.

please help.

Tffindra that doesn't work- trust me LOL. We tried to 'get' a gorl for our third because the chances of ASD are lower with a girl and we have a 20% chance + of any child we have developing the disorder.

Which should sway me towards yearning for a girl shouldn't it? But I just can't get myself worked up about it!

At the scan on wednesday ( weeks) Sonographer referred to babya s he but I dont know if it was intentional. Wish i did know, IME one you can start calling them by name the bonding gets stronger regardless of gender worries etc- DS3 ws high risk for Downs and we found that knowing helped immensely.

Yep, same old theory! Hazel CP and Dr Shettles. didn't work for us!

am talking to dh tonight, will let you know how it goes.

l think it is a very personal thing. I desperately wanted a daughter and Like Gigglewithch followed Hazel CP and it worked. I only went with the timing advice but did get my DH to have hot baths (whenever I could persuade him). I have a very regular cycle so knew exactly when I was ovulating and conceived my daughter 5 days before ovulation. My son was conceived at ovulation.

Good luck obaba.

I'd just like to echo what's been said before: I love my 2 boys. I adore them, I want to eat them they're so gorgeous etc etc. I know I am insanely lucky. I got pg with no difficulty each time, and had no major complications. I know to some people, the desire for one sex over another is incomprehensible, distasteful, hurtful. But if you have a secret desire, it can just eat away at you.

I have always wanted a daughter. Always. For the little girl stuff, but a lot (like you) for the adult relationship (and yes, yes I know that's unpredictable). But the desire is so strong, it's almost unspeakable. But it's like it is a completely separate matter. It has nothing to do with getting pg, having kids, nothing to do with my boys. It's like some weird primeval urge. I know dh and I may not have another kid, and if we did, it would be a boy. And I would love him. And I will always love my kids, fiercly. But I will always have a small sadness for not having a girl, a sadness that someone who had no preference, or who got their preference can never understand. And I know it stems from me being lucky in my life to be able to get everything I need to survive, and so I hanker for things I desire, and I do appreciate everything I have, and the guilt over my sadness makes me feel even more worthless and even more sad. I guess I need to slap myself, really!

I just see my desire for a daughter as some basic urge, a part of me, a part of my make-up - which may be a cop-out, like I can't help it. But I do see this theoretical child as totally separate from my life, and my kids. I would love to be an author. It's never going to happen, but I'll harbour that desire all my life, even though it has no impact on my life, nor on my work in which I am perfectly happy. I would love a daughter - but that's never going to get between me and my family.

What a rant sorry!

All of my 3 sons were conceived well before ovulation, we were actually aiming for the "safe" period with ds1 and ds2, we had sex 5 days before ovulation with each one. Ds3, we were actively trying this method with CM obsevation and temp-taking and was 4 days before ovulation.

Gosh2frighteninghappypeople - how eloquently put
from a woman that knows ....how heartfelt and true

are you shinyhappypeople?

No, I'm 2Happy... (I have been on MN for nearly 2 years, but usually get mistaken for 2shoes) I'm glad it read ok, it is something I have churned over in my mind a great many times, but I still don't know if I could make someone who has never felt this way understand.

and spidermama - you could be me

i wish i could memorise your sentiments shinyhappy and repeat them back to myself -
i worship my boys they bring me such joy ...i cant help the way i feel
if i could help it i would rationalise and stop it

sorry 2happyfrightening people!! you put it so well...people think i am horrible when i say things about wanting a girl - it was just honesty!
hoping for grand daughters now!

I may be able to rationalise it, but I've never been able to stop it

Have read whole thread - how fascinating! Do you think it tends to be mostly women without girls who want them, while men without girls don't mind ? Do men without boys secretly yearn for a son ? I know people with all boys who al admit they would love a girl if they could have one - I'm one of three girls, the boy came last and was kind of spolied and put on a pedestal because of this. I must admit with my first pg I did kind of want a girl as that was all I had ever imagined, tho I don't understand why - perhaps cos I don't get on with brother and father, but adore my mum and sisters? So couldn't see myself with a boy at all - had dd1 followed by dd2, was delighted as they are close in age like me and my sisters. Had load of people say bet you're hoping for a boy now ? I wasn't, I just wanted it to come out ok as my sis had her boy stillborn when I was pg with dd2. Pg 3 I had even more comments about it would be nice if its a boy, which made me feel very defensive and actually began hoping it was another girl just to spite them! Had sneaking feeling all along it was actually a boy and it was. Needless to say I love him more than I ever could have imagined - was always worried I couldn't love a boy as Ive always been kind of anti-men! Silly, cos he's not just a boy,he's him. So I can sympathise with people wanting girls as if I am honest, I'd want girls if I didn't have them ' but I really don't understand why! Must be a woman thing.

Have read most of this thread and having had a fabulous relationship with my Mum (now dead) really really wanted a girl for the teenage/adult years.
However I had a boy who I instantly fell in love with. I spent a few years looking complacently round at all the girls having tantrums in playgroups whilst holding my very well behaved boy but when I got pregnant again I longed for a girl. I found out that it was a girl from the scan and was so happy, until she was born brain dead and they turned the life support off at 2 days old.
My next child was a boy and it took about 3 months before I could say I loved him as much as my first(I love him to bits now and he did have tantrums at playgroup!!). After that I had some miscarriages and now my two beautiful boys are at school and the thought of going back to nappies is not so attractive and I think I have accepted the fact that I will never have a girl unless it is a grandaughter.
I am replacing dreams of Brownies and clothes shopping with cubs and tractors and finding that they are even more satisfying as when you see your DC loving things you start to get fond of them too whether it is ballet or rugby, fairies or fire engines. I really hope you get to this stage too.
Although I still occasionally look wistfully at a little girl I am too busy with my lively, caring boys to think about it. And I believe that my boys will always be close to me in the way that my brother was close to my Mum because of their characters. I know mothers of grown up daughters who are not close at all. Closeness has nothing to do with gender.

I didn't manage to talk to dh, we got as far as talking about somthing I needed to talk to him about but the conversation ended up being about my dh's inability to act sincere and not try and make a joke out of everything (partly why I havn't spoken to him about it before now, sometimes I just can't read what he is thinking. it's so opposite to me, I'm just too emotional!)

2happy, I certainly wish I could have put it as eloquently as you did, reading your post made it sound like there was absolutly nothing to be ashamed or embarassed about

(was seriously thinking of showing dh your post)

stuff it I'll show him now.

ps. I'm also a semi-regular with a name change. daft huh? it's because one of my rl friends knows me on here, and she has a beautiful little girl. would hate her to know if I'm honest, I wouldn't want her to feel bad.

I was wondering how you got on, ob (mostly between 3 and 6am; small children with lurgy - now there's another reason not to have more kids!!). It is a really hard matter to bring up, I think, because I worry how other people will react. Unless they've been there themselves, the best you can hope for is incomprehension. The worst is utter contempt!

I was thinking last night, though. I would like to somehow move past this. dh and I come from families of 3 kids, so it is likely we will have a third. But I need to be sure I am not having the child to try for a girl, because I won't get her. I don't have any worries about being able to love another boy. You know that fear you get when you're pg with your second baby - how will I ever love this baby when all my heart is given to dc1? How can I ever love another child as much? But then, when you see dc2, you just "know" them, and it's like you've always known and loved them. I know a third son would be just the same, which is why I know having 3 boys wouldn't be a disaster. But it won't "cure" me, and I don't know if anything can.

And, ob, I understand your name change. My dsis (who has one of each) uses MN, but she knows full well how I feel. But if less good friends used MN and they had dd's, I might feel a bit wierd about them knowing how passionately I feel about this!

(Oh, and [preen] at being called eloquent twice in one thread )

OK, I did it, I owned up to dh.
I told him to read 2happy's post as it said everything I needed to say for him to get the right idea.
often I start speaking and the lump in my throat physically stops the words coming out of my mouth.
(thanks 2happy)
It wasn't the best time, kids all around, but I felt they were a good distraction for me.
he came and cuddled me, tod me that he had worked it out already (I had asked him not to guess and put me on the spot) and he told me that he didn't feel the same as me at all.
he was very sweet about it and very understanding. but I know very well that he will not ever 'try for a girl'. as I realise I won't.
he said that he would feel the same if he didn't have sons and had 3 daughters instead. he had a wonderful growing-up relationship with his day and brother and is thrilled to have that with his own sons.

He didn't make a big fuss about it, which I'm pleased about really, he just said he feels that it is something that I will have to go through, and that he would help me.

He also told me that he would be very keen to adopt a child in the future as he has always said.

I feel so pleased that I have got this off my chest, it really feels easier to have talked it through and heard about other peoples experiences.

He raised a good point actually.. I was feeding ds3 and looking into his big blue eyes, he gave me one of his secret smiles and he made my heart absolutly melt. I said to dh that I couldn't bare the thought of not having a little baby in the family, and he reminded me that, not only am I still filled with baby hormones, but that I am so 100% mother at the moment and that soon I will have other focuses in my life angain and my life won't be all about having babies.

this thread has been worth £thousands in therapy!

oh, and 2happy, you certainly should be an author. I'd buy your books anyway!
x

yes 2 happy - if your posts are anything to go by its a darn good read!!

ob- so glad you are feeling brighter and talked things through with dh x

Oba I'm so glad you had that chat with your dh. He sounds lovely and very supportive. It's not worth going through these strong feelings alone (+ mn of course).

Glad you feel better Oba .

2Happy- your post summed up my feelings beautifully.

Oba - thanks for starting this read. Ive found it really really interesting to read.

Kizziex

Oba, really glad it went ok, your dh does sound great.

Maybe I should spend less time on MN, and more time on Word..... Nah! It'd never work

I'm a mum of four boys, at the beginning of my fourth pregnancy I did think it would be nice to have a girl this time.

At 14 weeks I went for a routine check up, well routine for me because all four pregnancies were classed as high risk, and they couldn't pick up a heart beat so I was sent for a scan. I never had the AFP tests as the results wouldn't have made a difference to me and during the scan the untrained sonagrapher did the NTS test and detected DS markers, but outside the age period that the test was reliable, (that remember she hadn't trained to do) . The sonographer asked me what I had at home, when I replied 3 boys she said, oh dear make that 4. I was told I'd have to see the consultant for the scan results. 1½ hours later I saw the consultant to be told, A) they still hadn't been able to detect a heart beat and B) they thought the baby had DS! And I bet you're disappointed perhaps next time you'll get a girl!

I had to then go to the bigger hospital for a more detailed scan to see if they could find a heartbeat.

I never had time to wonder if I was disappointed that I wasn't having a girl, all my prayers were concentrated on please God, let my baby be alive and healthy. After a very scary pregancy (the more detailed scan ruled out DS but picked up kidney problems) No 4 son was 6 last week and to this day I don't regret not having a girl, I love my four boys to death, I do have a step daughter who already had a mind of her own when I came on the scene, and when I see cute girlie things I shop for my friends daughter. I do regret that I will probably never have that grandmother, mother, grandchild bond, but I have no relationship with my mother so I know from experience that even if I had had a girl I might not have experienced it anyway.

It's human nature to always want a bit more, a happy balanced life comes from learning to be happy with what we have. In a sense although what happened to me at that AN appointment was very distressing it did make me realise instantly that what I wanted more than a daughter was a happy healthy child and I'm sure deep down you feel the same. Your feelings are valid and you should never be made to feel bad for having them, just because you'd like a girl doesn't mean you wouldn't love a fourth son and never let anyone make you feel bad for being honest enough to reveal your innermost feelings. Only by admitting those feelings can you work through them.

thankyou jemf for sharing your experience. I can totally see your point of view, gender simpy would not come into it if there was a hint that your baby might not be healthy, what a terrible experience you had, but what an amazing outcome.
I have two friends with 4 boys and when I see their families I imediatly think 'wow' they are so happy and full of fun and life and mishief! I find it so so strange that anyone cold ever look at them (or me with my 3) and think 'oh dear'. People probably just don't think about what they are saying half the time.

I feel like I have done a lot of the work this week, towards 'coming to terms with it, and as I sit here typing I can honestly say I don't feel any of the saddness that I have felt over the last little while.
I have had the most amazing weekend with my boys and I have mulled over this thread and although I might have a little pang now and again, I think I will be just fine and dandy with my gang of little men.

I am new to this forum so hello to all. I read this topic with great interest. I myself have 4 daughters and did wish that each might be a boy during the pregnancys, however once they were born I was too overwhelmed with the miracle of how perfect and healthy they were to care what sex they were.

That said I think my desire to have a boy was more for my husband than myself. He is booked in for a vasectomy and is now having second thoughts and is asking me to have one more baby, which I am secretly glad about. But do wonder is this desire bred out of our desire for a little boy.

So I guess be reassured that what you are feeling is very natural even for men!, my husband probably secretly feels like you do, maybe not as strong but certainly close enough if he is considering another! But I do think he feels such an important part of our daughters life that it eases it plus he brings them to soccer lessons!! Which they love luckily.

I think it is something you will learn to live with and am sure if like me you had another even it was a boy you would be overjoyed, but the question we really need to ask is, is this the only reason we consider having another baby??

My friend just had her 6th baby after 5 boys she has had a girl and is thrilled, but she is very tired and doesn't get much of a break with 6 kids. She just could not stop until she had her girl, however she was aware of how hard it would be and was willing to accept that.

So finishing on a light note, your little boys are so lucky to have such an honest, caring mother! I am so envious of your 3 little boys! In my eyes you are so lucky but then again I too feel very lucky! I wish you all the best in whatever you do and will keep ye posted on the vasectomy issue he is booked in for November watch this space!........