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Parenting

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Original poster

would you have another baby just to 'try again for a girl/boy'

162 replies

obabadabobba · 10/10/2007 14:42

I have three beautiful boys, I would die for them all I love them more than life and would never swap them. but, I can't bare the thought of never having a daughter and I am considering having another baby just to 'try again'
I cant even talk to my dh about this, it breaks my heart, I have a lump in my throat writing this and I think about it every day.
I have got to the point where I avoid friends with their little girls because it makes me feel sad.

I know some will call me selfish or ungreatful, I wish more than anything I could just get over it.

please help.

OP posts:

herbgarden · 11/10/2007 13:24

Sorry Peachy - wasn't responding to your message necessarily but more to why people might say that to you IYFSWIM

samb1971 · 11/10/2007 13:26

i have 4 boys who i love dearly the youngest 2 are twins and were unplanned a complete suprise, and we spent the whole pregnancy having commets of i bet you hope ones a girl or wouldnt a girl be nice yes a girl would have been nice but 2 healthy boys was even nicer[problem pregnancy]im happy with my boys and wont be trying for a girl i may end up with triplet boysknowing my luck

Rantmum · 11/10/2007 13:35

I'm ttc no 2 right now (have a boy already) and after 5 months of trying with no result I don't think that I could care less about what gender the baby is when and if I finally conceive - I know that I am lucky to have a child at all, so many people are unable to even have one baby, despite desperately wanting a family that it feels very superficial to concern myself with gender preferences.

It may be worth really reflecting on the fact that you are very fortunate that you are even in a situation where you can make a statement like, "I am considering having another baby just to 'try again'".

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MellowMa · 11/10/2007 13:37

Message withdrawn

Original poster

obabadabobba · 11/10/2007 13:43

herb I think you are spot-on. I've never had a strong relationship with any other female, not mother, aunt, no sisters etc. and I have longed for one I suppose. I have a great relationship with mil, but she is still mil, and I catch myself being envious when she does nice things with her own daughter.
sometimes I wonder if I'm not 'supposed' to have a daughter, like i'm not cut out for it maybe? I am quite a jealous sort of person (wish I wasn't) and I have often wondered if I would be jealous of a daughters relationshjip with dh, or is that just plain crazy? If it makes any sense at all, I never had a dad, a stepdad, but I very much was not his daughter.
but thats just me being mean to myself I guess.

OP posts:

fawkeoff · 11/10/2007 13:48

god no!!! we are talking about bringing a new life into the world...regardless of the sex.do people think that it's going to be whole differant experience just because the baby has differant bits????? it's just stupid

Original poster

obabadabobba · 11/10/2007 13:50

thats a bit off, fawk, how many kids have you got? what sex are they? are they any different from each other?

'stupid' is a bit harsh

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fawkeoff · 11/10/2007 13:54

i don't think it id relevant as to what sex my children are, i never had them for the sake of their sex. maybe stupid is harsh, but my sil has got 4 children she has 3 girls and a baby boy, she has always wanted a boy and really thought that life would be so much better with a boy....she regrets it now as it's not any differant, she is poorer and has no life because no one helps her. plus her girls suffer because the money is so short

fawkeoff · 11/10/2007 13:54

sorry i pressed the button twice

Original poster

obabadabobba · 11/10/2007 13:57

I take it you have both then so couldn't really understand.

I said a few posts ago that it isn't the thought of having a little girl that I long for it is the adult mother/daughter relationship that I feel like I would miss out on. the being there for a daughter when she has children herself (although that may never happen)

but lets face it, men and women are very different so, yes it will be different. and I'm sure your sister doesnt regret having a son.

OP posts:

Original poster

obabadabobba · 11/10/2007 13:58

sorry that sounded gobby, please don't take it that way. this is why I cant talk about it in rl, I amd way too sensitive on the subject.

OP posts:

canmummy · 11/10/2007 14:08

I've got 3 girls and find it incredibly irritating/offensive/hurtful/annoying when I am asked if I'm having any more to try for a boy

I had my children because I wanted them, boy or girl, and was overjoyed that they were healthy not because of what sex they were

I think sometimes in life there are things that you want to do but can't and you have to learn to accept that, no matter how hard it is.

Tanee58 · 11/10/2007 14:08

I think you'd probably make a great MIL - as long as you aren't jealous of your sons' partners. You said you imagined your daughter as an adult - so that might be the way to go. Alternatively, as your dh is open to adoption and you would consider it, that's the alternative way.

One of my relatives had 6 girls before producing a boy. Money was a bit tight. My mum had me and then my sister (who she hoped would be a boy, but my dad and I were thrilled was a girl as we didn't want the competition). People did ask her if they'd be trying for a boy, but she was adamant she was stopping at two. This was Sri Lanka in the 1960s, so my parents' positive attitude to having no sons was quite unusual.

I only wanted a girl - and was lucky with dd, though when she was born I really thought she was a boy (swollen bits, you see). I hadn't actually wanted to have any children at all, so was lucky with our one shot, I guess, but if she had been a boy, I'd soon have come round and loved her just as much .

peanutbutterkid · 11/10/2007 14:08

I believe you're entitled to all your feelings, oba'ba, but I have to point out that you can't guarantee you'd have a splendid relationship with a DD. Sorry if that's brutal, but my mother was always angry at me for not being the DD she wanted, us not having the close relationship she longed for. We turned out to have very different personalities -- I found her extravagant, controlling and erratic, she thought I was cold, too private, and selfish. Too much expectation and hopes on her part just made things worse... And that legacy has made it tougher for me to find the right balance with the DD I am lucky to have.

I feel bad that DD will never have a sister don't people sometimes wax on about how important their sisters are too them? I'm expecting another boy now and although DD was initially disappointed it was transitory; if she doesn't mind, why should I?

In response to title Q: Pregnancy is too hard on me to keep trying forever to get another Dd.

Original poster

obabadabobba · 11/10/2007 14:08

do you find it hard to accept canmummy?

OP posts:

Original poster

obabadabobba · 11/10/2007 14:12

I hadn't ever thought about that peanut, about my expectations of a dd. that is a good point. I know how very different my 3 boys are from each other. I'm so different from my mother too, in similar ways that you discribe (my mum thinks I am a prude, I think she is just plain rude!).
so yes, I should give that some thought...

OP posts:

Original poster

obabadabobba · 11/10/2007 14:16

tanee, I can't imagine I would be jealous of my son's partners, god I hope not anyway!
it is becoming clear in my mind that I can't do it. and yes I would seriously consider adoption. I think if we were to adopt (we talked about it even before having kids) then it would be easier if she were the only girl.

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fawkeoff · 11/10/2007 14:18

i am with peanut what i am trying to say to you is that my sil was expecting her life to change just because she had a son, which in effect is what you think will happen.but in reality it is very differant.and yes i do have one of each, but i can honestly say i had 2 children because i didnt want to have one that would be spoiled, lonely and thought the sun shone out of his/her arse as they grew up.it had nothin to do with wanting a boy or a girl.my twin brother was born with cerebal palsy so i was just happy for a healthy baby really

Tanee58 · 11/10/2007 14:19

It's true, you can't guarantee your relationship - and the fact that you have high expectations could make it worse if you and putative dd were very different. My mum and I don't see eye to eye on everything - she really couldn't understand why my marriage broke up, for instance, and preached on about 'duty' and 'thinking of the children' for about 3 years before coming round (with a little common sense help from my sister) to seeing how much happier I now am with dp. But you'll hopefully have three chances at getting on with your dss' future partners - and there'll possibly be grand daughters...

Tanee58 · 11/10/2007 14:22

Aw, Fawkeoff, only children don't have to be spoiled, lonely etc - I hope dd isn't. She's got lots of friends, seems to get on with anyone she meets, doesn't get everything she wants and respects no when I say no, and seems very sensible about her illuminated backside . And I hope we have a great relationship without me expecting her to be tied to my apron strings.

Actually, I think I suffered more from 'only child syndrome' than my dd.

fawkeoff · 11/10/2007 14:25

i was more like an only child really and i was a nightmare my twin was away at a special school most of the time and there is nearly 15 years between me and my big bro. i just didnt want dd to be like me, not that i think every only child is like that hun

Original poster

obabadabobba · 11/10/2007 14:26

fawk it's not that I want to change my life, as you say, it's just something that makes me very sad, the thought of not having that mother daughter thing.
If there was a miricle cure to my saddness, (short of having one) then I would take it.

OP posts:

fawkeoff · 11/10/2007 14:30

i do genuinel feel sorry for you but i was just giving my opinion hun,which is more stronger since sil had ds. i love my nieces to death and her youngest had her birthday in august to wake up to no birthday presents....not even a card.i went to her house at 7 in the morning to give her our prezzie, i feel her mum has been selfish and had the baby for her own needs she didnt look at the big picture.

Original poster

obabadabobba · 11/10/2007 14:37

yes that is crappy. I couldn't bare the thought of doing that to my lot.

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