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Original poster

would you have another baby just to 'try again for a girl/boy'

162 replies

obabadabobba · 10/10/2007 14:42

I have three beautiful boys, I would die for them all I love them more than life and would never swap them. but, I can't bare the thought of never having a daughter and I am considering having another baby just to 'try again'
I cant even talk to my dh about this, it breaks my heart, I have a lump in my throat writing this and I think about it every day.
I have got to the point where I avoid friends with their little girls because it makes me feel sad.

I know some will call me selfish or ungreatful, I wish more than anything I could just get over it.

please help.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 10/10/2007 16:39

to the OP

what are the things you would like most in a daughter? are these things you could do with a goddaughter, or niece or friend's daughter ?

Original poster
obabadabobba · 10/10/2007 17:18

when I imagine a daughter I imagine an adult, not a little girl with bunches or going on shopping trips.
the saddest thing for me is the thought of not being with my daughter when she has a child and becomes a mother and has a family of her own. I don't know why I focus on this but that feels like a very natural and primitive desire.

I have thought about adoption and dh would far rather adopt than have another of our own. I think this will be the answer for me but it also feels like a big scarey thing to even begin thinking about.

OP posts:
chipmonkeyPumpkinNorks · 10/10/2007 17:20

obabadabobba, I have 3 boys and am now pg with no. 4. We did try for a girl on no.3, didn't do douches but timed sex way before ovulation and ate a diet high in calciym and magnesium. Well, that didn't work! I have told myself this pg is a boy too and am trying to visualise 4 little boys running around to avoid disappointment! ds3 is a lovely little boy, total charmer and I recently asked myself whether I could have loved a little girl more. And the answer is, of course not! Yes, I would like to buy dresses and pink nappies but if that is my biggest disappointment in life, then I will be very happy!

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Lulumama · 10/10/2007 17:22

but sweetheart, even if you have a daughter or adopt a daughter.. what if she doesn;t want to get married / have children/ have you there when she has children/ moves a thousand miles away..

there are so many variables that you cannot possibly foresee..

you sound like a really caring, nurturing , sensitive woman, and when your lovely boys have families of their own, you will hopefully have DILs who will involve you in their lives

chipmonkeyPumpkinNorks · 10/10/2007 17:22

Oh, and I would never tell the boys that I would like a daughter! My parents wanted a son and eventually got one after 3 girls but my sisters and I were none the wiser until we grew up. I think it's better that way.

chipmonkeyPumpkinNorks · 10/10/2007 17:23

V. important to be a nice MIL, not an interfering harridan!

Marne · 10/10/2007 17:27

I have 2 girls and would love to try for a boy (dh not so keen),i can't bear the thought of not having a boy but when do you stop? I could keep trying but end up with 8+ girls before getting a boy and then the poor mite would have to put up with a house full of girls

If i get my way and dh agrees to try for another it will have to be my last, i would be made up if it was a boy and if its a girl i will be just as happy.

LilianGish · 10/10/2007 17:29

My neighbour has five boys - after that she stopped trying! I think it depends how many children you want in total - if you only want three stop now, if four is Ok then try again.

chipmonkeyPumpkinNorks · 10/10/2007 17:32

I know of 2 sisters who stopped trying after they had 5 boys each!

berolina · 10/10/2007 17:46

It's odd - my feelings on this subject seem to have developed in the opposite direction - the gender has got less important. When first pg with ds1 I really wanted a girl. We found out by accident at 16 weeks that he was a boy and I did have a brief deflated 'oh' moment, but then was delighted. With ds2 I had a feeling from roughly 12 weeks that he was a boy and this was confirmed at scans. I was thrilled. I remember in early labour I said to dh 'what if the scans were wrong and it's a girl?' and was actually quite worried and deflated at the prospect. We would like another 1 or 2 further down the line, and I can't imagine the sex mattering in the slightest.

Dinosaur · 10/10/2007 17:58

I consider myself terribly, terribly lucky in that I really, genuinely, don't want a girl (I've got three boys). It must be heartbreaking to be in your position.

I hope you can get to a place where you feel more content/happier.

Pinkchampagne · 10/10/2007 18:07

I have two boys, and would never try for another just to get the opposite sex.
I think you really should make sure you want a baby first and foremost, as you could be very dissappointed.
I know of a woman who keeps trying for a girl, and has just found out she is expecting boy number 5! She claims she will keep trying until she gets a girl, which sounds like total madness to me!

laura032004 · 10/10/2007 18:12

I really wanted a girl with DS1, but we didn't find out his sex. When he was born, he didn't breathe immediately, and when I heard that first cry (before I knew he was a boy), I was so relieved he was alive, that his gender didn't matter at all. We found out the sex with DS2, as I didn't want to have any negative thoughts on the day he was born. Yes, I was upset, for a few minutes, but that was it. I came round completely within a couple of days, and haven't looked back. Now DS2 is 15m, yes, a tiny part of me is sad that I won't have a girl (we're stopping at two), but I don't want a girl as much as I want to get some sleep! We've had a really hard few years with non-sleeping children, and I just don't think I could do it again!

But, I understand how you feel completely, and if you think you could cope with another child in all the different ways, then there's nothing wrong with having one. You know you'll love it whatever I'm sure

CarGirl · 10/10/2007 18:16

Personally no I wouldn't try. I was devasted at having 3 children and dh not wanting to have a 4th, fortunately he agreed to have a 4th - I really don't know if I would have got over not having a 4th IYSWIM. I always wanted girls but by the 4th I didn't mind either way but was probably relived and glad it was another girl.

Original poster
obabadabobba · 10/10/2007 18:20

thankyou so much for all of your kind advice and compassion, it has actually really helped opening up (allbeit anonomously). it had started to feel like a huge big issue gathering momentum in my mind and I wondered how it might surface (pnd or something horrible, you never know)
I feel calmer about it now I think.

I have a fantastic relationship with my mil, she was at the birth of ds2 and ds3 and I have a better relationship with her than my own mother.
maybe this is where it all stems from..?

I am always very proud to tell people I have three boys, it does feel like an achievment.

(thankyou lulu, you are very sweet)

OP posts:
gegs73 · 10/10/2007 18:24

I don't think you are selfish and I'm sure if you had another boy you would love him very much. However I personally wouldn't try again in the hope of having a girl if this were the only reason. I think the more of one sex you have statistically you are more likely to have the same again.

Like others have said if you are desperate for a girl I would consider adoption. MIL did this back in the 60s. She had 3 boys and wanted another baby but had problems getting/staying pregnanct. She loved all her boys, however back in those days there was a lot of choice and she decided on a girl. She had another child after this one and had another boy (DH) so 4 in a row!

chipmonkeyPumpkinNorks · 10/10/2007 19:02

actually if you wanted to adopt, would they allow you to state a gender preference? I would have thought agencies were against that or am I wrong?

Original poster
obabadabobba · 10/10/2007 19:37

I heard a while ago that in the uk that litte boys over a certain age are less desirable to potential adoptive parents. that makes me want to adopt a boy though.
but in other countries I'm sure there aren't restictions.

OP posts:
herbgarden · 11/10/2007 10:03

Hi ob...this has been on my mind a lot recently too. DS is 15 months and we're about to start to trying for no 2. All three of my closest friends had girls when I had a boy and I admit to have felt a little bit jealous but not from an " I don't love DS " pov but more that they don't really mind what they get next. If someone said "ok I'll swap you a girl for your little boy" that would be inconceivable but I know that I will feel a bit disappointed if I have another boy. Shoot me down but that's my honest feeling on the subject. One of my best friends said she only wants one girl and would like a boy next time and would be equally disappointed. THen I feel guilty as I have friends who are TTC without success. They would be over the moon with anything boy or girl.

That said I want more than one child if I am lucky enough to and have decided to have a scan early on to find the sex so that I can get my head round it and be as overjoyed when he/she is born as I was when ds was born. I would never want a child of mine to feel that they weren't loved......

Then I might just want 3.... BTW
my neighbour has 4 boys and said she wouldn't change it for the world - my sil desperately wanted 3 boys and got them.....

Original poster
obabadabobba · 11/10/2007 10:10

well herb, with all of my boys, even the first I wanted a girl (and presumed he would be?!) but I was never even slightly dissapointed at birth, just totally overjoyed and elated at the miricle of it all, but a while later, in the back of my mind it has always been, well maybe the next will be a girl.
now I know there isn't going to be a next, I think about it for real, and it hurts.

OP posts:
chipmonkeyPumpkinNorks · 11/10/2007 11:23

Have you talked to your dh about it? My dh was completely flummoxed as to why I wanted to try again for a 3rd baby. When I finally blurted out that I wanted a little girl, he was more sympathetic! For some reason I had assumed he would know I felt like that, but he was genuinely surprised.

Original poster
obabadabobba · 11/10/2007 11:45

no, I havn't talked to him about it. I can't bring myself to talk to him, I am just worried that he wouldn't understand and it is such a sensitive issue for me that I have not opened up to anyone in rl about it for fear of not being understood, and because it will make it real and while it is in my head I can just about handle it iyswim?

he is so into his boys, he often says he doesn't know where a girl would fit in and that he was really chuffed to have 3 boys, but for all I know he could feel the same?

he is not keen on going through pregnancy again(poor him, I know!) but he doesn't like me when pregnant -mood swings etc, otherwise he would have more, he would like to adopt in the future.

OP posts:
PeachyFleshCrawlingWithBugs · 11/10/2007 11:47

No.

ia lso ahve 3 fabulous boys and am pg. Am starting to get well anrked with people saying 'oh but a girl would be nice though'- are you saying my baby won't benice of its a boy??????

Original poster
obabadabobba · 11/10/2007 12:03

do you have a come back to those comments?
I can't bare them!

OP posts:
herbgarden · 11/10/2007 13:23

Each to their own Peachy - I think some people for whatever reason find it hard to come to terms with not necessarily getting what they want.... and it has a lot to do with your life experiences to date.

I have a sister (and older brother) and have loved that as an adult. My sister and I are close to my mum and to each other and since having my ds - I see my mum regularly - my in - laws as more of a duty even though they are lovely people who do a lot for us and ds it's just they aren't my parents ( that may not be the case with many of you out there and you may not get on with your own mum but get on fabulously with your mil) -
My older brother on the other hand calls my mum irregularly and even then usually because he's stuck needing someone to look after my nephews - he doesn't look out for my mum in the way me and my sister do. This is what I am used to so I suppose somewhere in there I'm wanting to re-create this mother daughter relationship in the future and don't hold out any hope of ds "looking out" for us (me and dh) in the same way as a daughter might - but then I'll be overjoyed if he does and even if I had a daughter might not get that IYSWIM.

DH has one sister who is married but has made a positive choice not to have children and also does not get on well with mil. Mil has not got the relationship she perhaps envisaged from her daughter and no grandchildren which I know she is disappointed with.

I think one of the other reasons I feel like I do is that My Mum had the 3 of us a boy and then 2 girls . My Aunt (her sister) had 2 boys and desperately wanted a girl. My mum often says she "feels sorry " for my aunt - but that she thinks its sad to feel the way my aunt does. I have told her that she got what she wanted in terms of the order and sex of her children so how does she know how it feels. I have had the experience of that "no girls, what a disappointment" message thrust down my throat so can see why I might be following the same pattern.

My sil is overjoyed at her 3 boys - she's quite a measured philosophical person. I'm not great at coming to terms with the fact that I have no control over the outcome and that I can't always get what I want...

So,I agree with some of the above posters that if you decide to go for it then you have to be really happy with whatever you get. TBH the way I feel at the moment, I know I'll just be overjoyed if I'm able to conceive a second time. It gets harder as you get older and I'm no spring chicken ! I would love 3 children though (presumably a good experience of being one of 3 ) - dh might take some persuasion !and if it's 3 boys well, again, so be it....I'm sure it'll be a noisy lot of fun.
(See I've convinced myself !!)

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