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Original poster

would you have another baby just to 'try again for a girl/boy'

162 replies

obabadabobba · 10/10/2007 14:42

I have three beautiful boys, I would die for them all I love them more than life and would never swap them. but, I can't bare the thought of never having a daughter and I am considering having another baby just to 'try again'
I cant even talk to my dh about this, it breaks my heart, I have a lump in my throat writing this and I think about it every day.
I have got to the point where I avoid friends with their little girls because it makes me feel sad.

I know some will call me selfish or ungreatful, I wish more than anything I could just get over it.

please help.

OP posts:
fawkeoff · 11/10/2007 14:41

do you understand where i am coming from a bit then. i know things are probably totally differant for you and you couldafford another child, but i just think people are blinded so much by something they WANT, that other things are not thought about.

PetitFilou1 · 11/10/2007 14:44

Ob I posted earlier but have just read more of the thread. This might make you think - I have two sisters and none of us have a great relationship with my mum. It makes me really sad but there is nothing I can do about it. I can understand how you feel as I really want to do things differently with my dd. However that is a lot of pressure to put on her and partly why I wish I had another girl. In the end you have to think, what will be, will be. I will try my best to give my dd the relationship I wish I had with my mother (who I still love dearly don't get me wrong) but I'm very much aware that she might not want what I want and we might be really different from one another.

Tanee58 · 11/10/2007 14:51

ok Fawkeoff, you're forgiven . Technically I suppose I AM an only child, as sis is 7 years younger. And I WAS a lonely, stroppy, selfish little cow (still am ).

Your SIL sounds crazy - your poor little neice! I would NEVER forget my child's birthday.

Obaba, it's certainly lovely to have a good mother/daughter relationship, but bear in mind - like from your own experience - that this doesn't always happen.

Interested in this thread?

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Families General parenting
Original poster
obabadabobba · 11/10/2007 15:01

you're right, and to me the thought of having a bad relationship with a daughter would probably be more painful than never having had one at all.

deep deep down I know that I will either have another child or adopt one.

I better go and get a coil in quick before I do something hasty....

OP posts:
fourboys · 11/10/2007 15:11

I understand how you feel and it is completely normal to feel that way. I have 4 sons who are wonderful and all very different form each other, I have no desire to have anymore children and was not driven to having each one in the hope that I might have a daughter but like you I have had to go through a personal period of mourning for the daughter I hav'nt had. I have a great relationship with my mum and supose wanted to recreate that for myself.
The only advise I would give is don't become pregnant for a daughter but get pregnant because you want another child. x

Original poster
obabadabobba · 11/10/2007 15:14

thanks fourboys x

OP posts:
taGHOULah · 11/10/2007 15:27

I haven't read all the posts but because I don't have a sister and had a bad relationship with my mum I set out wanting just girls. First was a girl, then 3 boys. We planned to have 3 children but DS3 was a last attempt for another DD.

Each time I was pg I was hoping for another girl but it wasn't to be. People told me I was being selfish because at least I had one girl but we live in an area where everyone has their sister round the corner and I envy them that. I have one brother who really isn't interested in family.

As my kids have grown, despite my best efforts I don't have a great relationship with DD. She will go to DH though, so that is something. DS2 is my best friend- we get on so well. DS3 was the easiest child and adored by everyone.

Like you I worry about the adult years more.

fawkeoff · 11/10/2007 15:30

tanee- it wasn't that she forgot her birthday she just didnt have the money for even a card (so she says) i do not feel any sympathy for her or her dh it is the children i feel for because she is so selfish.i cant even blame her dp because she came off contraception without him knowing and then told him it had failed her.she is a selfish woman.

Tanee58 · 11/10/2007 16:01

That's so sad. It costs very little to buy a small card a supermarket and children really need very little - or she could have made a nice personal one. Poor niece. I would have sat up half the night to do something for my dd's birthday (like making Barbie cake - that took a very long time to ice).

gladriel · 11/10/2007 16:10

When i was pregnant with my fc i wanted a girl, it turned out to be a ds, with my second pregnany i wanted a girl, again another ds. with my second child i found out what sex he was at my 20 week scan, i got used to the idea of having a boy, had time to bond with my little bundle, gave him a name and the more he grew inside the more i looked forward to him entering the world and felt like i had already bonded with him even before he was here! i agree with fourboys, dont get pregnant for a girl, do it for the immense rush of love and protection that you feel knowing you have a new life inside, who is part of your flesh and blood. now i wouldnt swap my boys for all the girls in the world and if i decide to have another i wouldnt be bothered what sex it was. i think once a child is here you love it regardless.

Ripeberry · 11/10/2007 16:56

I'm so just gratefull to have two beautiful, healthy DDs and that, thanks to God, in this country we don't have the added pressure of having a boy at all costs, like they do in India and rural China.
Does not bear thinking about.
AB

NotAnOtter · 11/10/2007 18:12

TaGOUHLah Your profile says you have 5 children?

Ob, i really feel for you . I dohave a daughter and so am not supposed to undestand your need but i do. I have wanted a sister for dd ever since she was born. However i have been blessed with 4 amazing boys and all the face pulling and pityful looks that go with that!
After the birth of ds 4 last year - i really felt that this was it and there was no more hope. it was at this stage i started to embrace the boy thing and feel over proud of these four strapping men that they would one day become
ds1 is 15 now and i feel all over proud that he is 5 foot 11 and girls look at him wistfully when i am with him
I have no relationship with the woman that gave birth to me - nor my sisters. I will with my boys. They are so lovely and easy going and i see clearly that they are easier than girls
I do believe little boys to not look or possibly act as endearing as little girls but that does change
wait till your boys are secondary school age you will be glad then that they are boys and not bitchy girls!
Secretly i do hope at least one of my long tails will be gay!!

muppetgirl · 11/10/2007 18:13

good god no....

spugs · 11/10/2007 18:20

im pregnant with baby number 3, i already have 2 girls and to be honest would quite like a boy. we didnt get pregnant to have a boy though, it was because we wanted a baby. every person i tell that im pregnant ask if we want a boy or if thats why we went for number 3, in some ways im glad i would quite like a boy as i could imagine that other wise it could get very annoying

kizzie · 11/10/2007 20:48

I always find this subject fascinating on mumsnet - because there is usually a general 'be grateful for what you've got reply'. After going through infertility I am unbelievably grateful to have my twin sons following ICSI and IVF.

But at the same I feel very very sad that i will never have a daughter. My boys are beautiful, gorgeous and funny and we are incredibly close but I still have that feeling. I was never a 'girly girl' so its not really about all the 'pink'. and I see lots of my mum and my sister and have close girlfriends. But its still there.

Although on here most people with sons say that they dont have any real wish for a daughter - that doesnt tally with the people I know in RL. I have a number of friends with all boys and they all to a greater or lesser extent would like a girl.

I do understand how offensive this must sound to someone with an SN child, or who cant have any children, or who has lost child - and from a rational point of view i know i am so so lucky, But feelings aren't always rational - and sometimes you cant help how you feel deep down.

oh right - got that off my chest now

kizzie · 11/10/2007 20:49

Id love to hear from anyone who is brave enough to admit that they were disappointed not to have a daughter - but have now come to terms with it. x

Original poster
obabadabobba · 11/10/2007 20:57

me too...

OP posts:
Dinosaur · 11/10/2007 21:00

kizzie, you make those of us who have boys and don't want a daughter sound as if we are being economical with the truth!

incogneato · 11/10/2007 21:05

tbh I love my daughters and I think my family is perfectly beautifully balanced
BUT
occasionally I have a pang about the fact that I will never had a boy.
I think it is impossible because I think,though can't be 100 % sure, that I can't carry boys to term.
today I had a pang listening to the actor who plays Charlie in Charlie and Lola

kizzie · 11/10/2007 21:21

Its just my experience from real life.

My sister in law had 5 (!) boys and then a girl which was a bit excessive. But I have four friends with all boys as well as me (all either 2 or 3) and they have each told me that they feel sad about not having daughter. Its not something i talk about in RL - because i feel quite ashamed of it after having inferility problems, so I usually just laugh it off from my point of view.

So not suggesting anyone being dishonest. Just saying what people from my own small group have said.

kizzie · 11/10/2007 21:24

Also just adding to this - I would absolutely love to have another baby but sadly unlikely. And would be ecstatic to have another boy - just to have another baby would be wonderful (in fact I have my next boys name in my head in the very very unlikely case of a miracle )

But this doesnt detract from the daughter feelings.

divamum2two · 11/10/2007 21:31

hi, i didnt read other posts. i did exact the same thing over 1.5 year ago. some here recommended me book called choose the sex of your baby book. i bought it out of interest and done everything what it said. dh and family laughed at me. guess what i had my lovely boy 7 weeks ago. i have dd 2.5 yrs. i love them both. im luckily to have them.
if needed i will check that book for you, plz cat me thru

taGHOULah · 11/10/2007 22:24

NotAnOtter, I have since had another DD

Complete surprise and despite my previous feelings on the subject, when the amnio revealed a girl I was actually disappointed because I was expecting another boy

(There's no accounting for some people)

hellnats · 11/10/2007 22:26

I have 2 daughters and I often get the question 'so will you try again for a boy'. We have discussed it and dp would love a son but I am really not bothered either way. We will one day have a third but i just know I will get really annoyed at all the comments of 'you must be hoping for a boy this time' when i wont be - i will just be hoping for a healthy baby.

I think the adoption idea would be great for you as then you are gauranteed a little girl.

showbiz · 11/10/2007 22:48

i have 4 boys and also get annoyed at people asking am i going to carry on til i get a girl. i always wanted 4 children and i have 4 healthy beautiful boys. yes i do sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a daughter but i could never take that risk with a new life only wanting a girl i doubt i will have any more children but if i did it would be another child i want not a girl. anyway i can always borrow my goddaughter to do girl things with.