would you have another baby just to 'try again for a girl/boy'

[obabadabobba]

I have three beautiful boys, I would die for them all I love them more than life and would never swap them. but, I can't bare the thought of never having a daughter and I am considering having another baby just to 'try again'
I cant even talk to my dh about this, it breaks my heart, I have a lump in my throat writing this and I think about it every day.
I have got to the point where I avoid friends with their little girls because it makes me feel sad.

I know some will call me selfish or ungreatful, I wish more than anything I could just get over it.

please help.

I think you have been brave and honest in confessing your feelings, oba. Perhaps it would help you emotionally to deal with it if you were to continue to feel into exactly what it is that you feel you are missing out on, which sounds as if it is to do with your relationship with your mother.
I have an okay but difficult relationship with my mother, (different personalities - love each other but drive each other up the wall), I didn't want my mother present at the births of her grandchildren, despite the fact that she lives 1,000's of miles away. I am now the mother of 2 dd's, one of whom I have a tricky relationship with. Sometimes I think they have been sent to me as either the fates paying me back so I could have some sympathy with my mum, or as a blessing as a chance to work things out, or both! It is hard though, and I have trepidation about the coming adolescent and adult years.

its very hard to be honest,but i must admit if my dd had been a boy i would have wanted to try again for a girl as we already had a boy. when we were preg with ds we both werent bothered what we had we just wanted a baby and when i got preg with dd we both felt a healthy baby was more important than anyting but deep deep down we wanted a girl (all boys on dp's side and me and my mum have a great relationship so i wanted that with a daughter too). when dd was born i had a feeling of complete wash over me (bit strange but lovely feeling). had a feeling of not knowing what to do with a girl cause i'd been used to a boy!

p.s.at my brothers school there was one lady who had 12 girls, YES 12!,before she had her long awaited boy!

I assumed when pg with ds1 that he would be a girl. My Mum and her sisters mostly had girls and I thought I would be the same. I had even pictured myself saying at the birth "Of course it's a girl, I knew it would be!" Well they said, "It's a boy!" and I was utterly shocked and disappointed! But it didn't last long! He was such a beautiful baby and we bonded so well and he was so bright and intelligent ( PFB anyone?} that I was a very proud Mammy! It didn't stop me wanting a daughter one day, but definitely not instead of him!
Dinosaur I know you are telling the truth about not wanting a girl but I do think you are exceptional. Most women I know with boys-only seem to want a little girl. I have noticed, though, that most women with girls-only seem happy with their lot!
BTW Asian men rock! They are always very approving of my brood of boys!

oba - have you read hazel chesterman phillips book "choose the sex of your baby the natural way" ? the timing alone (no daft diets) worked for me, as i knew what day of my cycle i had conceived my two lovely DS's. Wanted a DD (tho would never have admitted it to any1) and hey hey there she was. Did plenty of counting and analysis of how early to BD to get her but well, er, it worked
So in response to your OP, been there, done that, got all the DC i wished for.

Gigglewitch, that book did not work for us! I reckon it probably works 50% of the time! And I was so convinced by it when I bought it!

We have friends who had 5 boys and and mother was determined to have a girl - so in the end she went quite clinical and I am not sure of the exact procedure but suffice to say her husbands semen was collected and the conception took place in her doctors surgery. She had twin girls.

I have two DS's and I am resigned to the fact that the matter of my baby's sex is out of my hands and I am just grateful to fall pregnant and with a healthy baby at this stage. I would like a girl but would love another little boy like to two I have already as well. I have a scan on Monday and I am very eager to confirm that it is just one and not two! We will be happy with whatever comes especially as I know that at 39 this will be my last for sure.

well apparently I 'don't need to have any more children' now that I have one of each. It's amazing how many people have told me that and DS is only 7 months. Seems like a REALLY weird thing to say.

I have 2 DD's and love them to bits, but they can still be a pita. It's not like raising 2 little princesses
I feel for you oba, and do "get" how you are feeling.
I had/have a great relationship with my mum, who seems to have been a very natural mother, tho she confesses she did her fair share of shouting and melt downs, but I and all my siblings, are really close to her and I feel immense pressure sometimes to have that perfect relationship with my dd's and therefore I can sometimes feel like a total failure.
I have no desire for any more children, and no desire to try for a boy, the girls are more than a handful.
I always thought I would be a natural like my mum, but feel that I am really struggling, I don't know how women manage with 5 or more

well I got inches away from talking to dh last night, but bottle out. I went for a bath and set up the laptop with this thread on it, I had intended to let him read it but couldn't face it.
he knows I have something troubleing me though.
I really appreciate everyones being so open, and I am starting to realise that this is something that a lot of mother have to go through.
It makes it hard because I can't be open about it in rl for fear of being seen as a spoilt brat or for people to think I am unhappy or disapointed with my blessings.
If it wasn't such an in-my-head issue then I might be able to deal with it.

jenifersofia your post was spot on.

BTW oba, I know you feel uncomfortable raising the issue with your DH but I really think it would help - you have NOTHING to feel ashamed of - all you are doing is voicing your feelings on the subject - there is nothing wrong with feelings. Maybe he will be shocked, maybe he will say, oh thank God that's what I've been thinking all along, but at least it will be out in the open and you can take it from there and discuss your options. Otherwise there is a danger that it will fester and fester and overcome you.

You sound like a great mother and please don't think that your desire for a daughter in anyway detracts from that. It just doesn't.

oops sorry oba, crossed posts - that is fantastic that you were going to talk to him about it - I'm sure the moment will come eventually

No I wouldn't. I always wanted 3 children and never cared what gender they were. I've got 3 boys and they are perfect. I'm rather glad I don't have girls actually. Boys suit me just fine and they are all different little personalities.

'Most women I know with boys-only seem to want a little girl.'

Really?? Everyone I know with boys is GLAD they don't have a girl!

I wouldn't care what sex they were but I certainly don't hanker after a girl and never have. It's just a total non-issue for me.

Dear Oba, I am new to Mumsnet and have read this thread. Poor you, I do understand your feelings and they are natural. However, what you say about them seems to suggest that you are feeling a bit lonely and isolated from female company now (very understandable! Motherhood can be isolating), and maybe that is the thing to think about how you might change? It's possible you might be idealising the m/d relationship - as many have said, you have no way of predicting what a daughter would be like and many young women move far away these days for work and relationships - with the best will in the world, there really is no guarantee you'd have the closeness you'd desire. Also, your strong expectations for such a relationship could be a burden for a child - although I'm sure you'd do your best for it not to be. All who have advised you to talk to you DH are, I think, wise. It's important he knows what you are going through and you may be surprised by his response. Plan for when you are feeling strong, plan what you want to say and find the right (quiet) moment - you just need to share it - have you thought about confiding in you MIL? Sounds like you have a good relationship with her (great to have such a good MIL role model, btw!).

Best of luck whatever you decide re another baby.
t-pog
PS I have one adorable, cuddly boy and am pregnant - don't care re gender except DH wd like a girl as our son has been so Oedipal and horn-locking with his gentle dad!

Oba, I think talking to your dh would be a really good thing. Don't worry about why you feel this way at this stage, it will help you to start dealing with your feelings if you can open up to him imo.

Otherwise you may feel yourself slipping further down with less ability to open up.
Please don't feel ashamed about it.
Btw I only have one ds and would like more children, but haven't given gender much thought.

GDG, honestly, that has been my experience! I'm not saying it's right, in fact, your attitude is far healthier, but I have found that, having 3 boys, a lot of women in the same position tend to sidle up to me had have the "would you like a girl, too?" discussion. Now, I don't think they normally discuss it but I do seem to have the sort of face which makes people confide in me!
In fact, the barber's receptionist where the boys get their hair cut, brings it up ad nauseum every time we go in! She seems to have forgotten that we've already had the conversation. It was quite raw for me, the first time she did tbh because I had just had ds3 by EmCS, we were both lucky to be alive at all and to be worried about gender seemed so trivial. I told her this but she still goes on about it every time so I have managed to cut her short with a quick "Oh no, boys are fabulous!" If they weren't the only barbers that open late near us, I'd have stopped going there.
I think one of the reasons the feeling doesn't go away for me is that I had two sisters growing up and my brother was much younger. So for years our house was doll-heaven, we were very much into our baby dolls and Sindy's (remember them) and I suppose that is my idea of an idyllic childhood. I do find all the Star Wars and Action Man stuff unappealing and really wouldn't mind having some Baby-borns etc in the house. But actually, if this baby is a girl, she probably doesn't have a hope of liking that stuff anyway, with 3 big brothers!

I will talk to him tonight. I feel far more rational about the felings I have now, I'm normal, I'm in good company!
I don't think he will be surprised, when I told him somthing was bothering me straight away he said 'is about kids?' at which point I blubbed and backed out.

thank you all for such caring and compassionate attitudes shown to me. allbeit through a computer screen, it has really, really helped.

Good luck, oba!

good luck, I'm sure he will be half-expecting it from what you say

let us know how you get on

When I had my first everyone said it will be a boy.I am very much like my gran who had four boys and at that point there were only girls in the family.

When we found out it was a girl I sensed other peoples disappointment but I was thrilled either way.

My second baby died at 25 weeks and she was a girl

I am now 33 wks pg with a boy.Everyone has said "Oh great a boy at last, I bet you are thrilled" and "How lucky, one of each".

But TBH.We would not be having this boy if my daughter would have lived. I tried for another baby regardless of the sex.It really doesnt matter to me.I just hope he will make it.

One thing I've noticed is that the mothers who tend to ask "don't you wish you had a girl?" tend to be the ones whose daughters are a handful. The mothers who have a good relationship with their daughters tend not to! I therefore think that when they ask this question what is really going through their head is "how can you be so happy with your boys, and I've got a girl but it isn't what I expected". After all what a stupid insensitive question so ask someone.

I know a couple of women just like you with three boys who are aching for a girl. I understand a little as I have three boys too, but they have an older sister.

Obviously the trouble with trying again is that you may well have another boy.

I remember saying, whilst in labour with ds4, 'I think she's stuck round the bend.' I was so convinced he was a girl.
Then after pushing him out I was trembling all over and saying to dh and the midwife, 'What have I got?' and they were silent.. I knew then.

Of course I love him no less because he's my chubster and my blue eyed boy, obviously, but I can totally understand you yearning for a girl.

I am really not at all broody now but if anyone could guaruntee me a girl I would certainly go for it.

You can go to a place in the US called Microsort where they will sort the sperm for you and impregnate you with whichever you prefer. Very expensive though! And about 90% effective. If that were me, I'd be one of the 10%.

I've got one lovely boy (now 3) and when we were trying for No.2 I was desperate for a girl (not wanting to have more than 2, and figuring one of each would be perfect...). I read everything that I could in magazines, books and the internet - and from friends personal experiences too the thing that does seem to work is timing. Its a totally non-exact science, but if you monitor your periods, so you know when exactly you ovulate each month, just have sex BEFORE the 14th day (ie 9/10/11) and then abstain completely. It worked for us - DD is now 4 months old - I also have a couple of friends who tried the same method and it worked for them too. Just a fluke? I don't know - its something to do with female sperm surviving longer, so they are still hanging around when the egg arrives. Anyway, its worth a try! At the end of the day, hopefully you'll be happy whatever you get. Good luck!