Opinions on teen parents?

[whiningndwining]

How do you perceive teen parents? Does your opinion change based on gender / age / planned or unplanned pregnancy / benefits etc?

Just curious! x

I perceive teen parenthood as risky. Teen parents, well, it depends on the parent.

There is very strong evidence that under 20s are the highest risk of pregnancy- and childbirth-related complications & death and for long-term health problems (even when separating out 15-19 year olds from those younger who are obviously at even higher risk), only getting close to that again in the mid-40s, and increased risk of health issues in children. It's also within the time period where young adults of either sex are at higher risk of experiencing mental distress and mental illnesses, and the pressures and stress of pregnancy and children can contribute to that. Pregnancy and childbirth are also common spark points for partners to turn abusive or further abusive, and the social isolation that is very common in active young parents makes that harder to get out of. There are some benefits if all goes well with mother and child to being younger when their own children are less reliant & so can do more then, but that can still happen at the safer age from 24.

I had my first at 19, foolish having had a friend die in late pregnancy a couple years before, but I was 19 & thought my pregnancy being wanted in a marriage and supported would make it totally different & I was worried about the stories of early menopause that I would soon have the choice made for me (story goes that my great-grandmother was done with menopause at 25 & my grandmother struggled with fertility from her early twenties).

I was also convinced, as the survivor of child abuse, that I would be totally different to my family. It was not so simple. I had to accept my limitations hard and fast, I had to accept that no matter what I wanted, maternalness doesn't come naturally to me, I had no experience of it and no one to ask & C-PTSD really gets in the way parenting as well as I'd like sometimes. I fit the isolated teen mum to a T and continued that way for many years. We all have to balance the risks and benefits of our choices with what life gives us - teen development makes that hard & having horrible parents makes that exponetially harder.

I thankfully had few issues in pregnancy or childbirth the first time around, but I started having more health problems soon after & my spouse's health deteriorated sharply in multiple ways. Within 2 years, I went from high school athlete to using mobility aides and he ended up having to take a year off and have surgery. We both improved and had more children. We took a risk, and it bit us in the butt, if not as much as others so we didn't really think about it. It would be years later that the association was made at least for us.

I've come to accept our choice and have said before that it was the best path with what we knew and was available to us at the time. We took a risk, paid a toll for it and still do, but have benefitted in that our children met the few relatives we like before they died and eventually met some great people due to them being their ages. If I could have a magic chance to have all that and delay for 5 years, I think we would all have benefited. I'd mostly likely at least have been a calmer parent with more time to build a support network for those early years. It's true that our current health problems may have happened without that, but early parenthood certainly didn't help and is a known contributing factor. At the least, I could have focused on his and my health more earlier rather than chasing toddlers & excusing it as 'all parents are tired and sore'. I still view myself a lucky disabled parent, I like my life even with being burnt by our risky choices, but as much as I liked having been well done with the toddler stage before 30 & my kids as they are now (most of the time - my teens don't seem to think my younger age makes me any more able to understand than any other adult), I wouldn't recommend what I did to my own children or others & worry about teens who will get far more burnt than I did.

My daughter is your age and I would hate for her to limit herself so early. I want her to have a big life with big experiences and enjoy putting herself first. The minute you become pregnant you become the second most important person in your life.

OP, I wouldn't worry about having an unfinished OU degree when you have a baby - the OU is very flexible and I took a couple of separate years off when I needed to and it's never held me back (sometimes interviewers ask me why it took so long and I explain I did it part time while raising DC - it's never been a problem personally!).

The only advice I'd give on the OU route is to get involved with lots of committees/study groups - it's part of why I felt I missed out on connecting with like minds when I was younger, whereas my ND DM went to a traditional uni and met many of her close friends there.

Read @CountFosco’s post several times.

OP, in the nicest possible way, your immaturity (understandable if you’re a teenager) is more and more evident the more you post. You appear to be planning a baby because you feel at a distance from the only way you seem to think it’s possible to be ‘young’ — drugs, drink etc — you’re friendless bar your DH, not NT and don’t seem to have figured out a career path. This is no reason for a child to have a child.

Except school is 9am-3pm, factor in drop off and pick up time and you will only be able to do a part time course unless you can afford and are willing to use after school club which adds anything from £200-400 a month to your budget

Ummm....when you do a degree, Student Finance can assist with payments for childcare.

Do you have a house? A mortgage?

What would your plan be in terms of work post baby? Give it up to be a SAHM and rely on your partner's income?

To be honest, I think that your youth is playing a huge part in you thinking that this is likely to be plain sailing and a good plan. Most of us KNOW that it is hard to save for a house, hard to complete qualifications etc as it is and that it is extremely difficult to do that, all of that, as, a single mum with nursery bills to pay if your relationship breaks down when you don't have much in term of joint assets. I know you may think your relationship is solid, but so did every woman who posts on here in the event of a breakdown. Why willingly put yourself in a position where the odds are more likely to be against you - get some assets behind you, get some training/a good salary/some career history behind you, so you have a fallback option and you don't get trapped if your relationship doesn't turn out the way you planned. That's not great for kids.

My sister was married before 20 by the way - her relationship is solid, brilliant. It was the right decision for her. She had a "wild" teens and us a bit of a homebody. BUT they didn't rush to have kids. They set themselves up properly, by which I mean got jobs, got promoted, bought a house. They are ahead of their peers and life is now more relaxed for them, so they can parent without also having huge worries about their family's basic needs, or having to squeeze in training around family time.

Mumsnet has a very middle class demographic where young motherhood is very much frowned on.

Can I ask how old you are now? Do you have a stable home and income?

I was a mum at 20, it was hard but I still managed to get an education, I didn't travel further than Blackpool though!

I know some wonderful young mums and some terrible older parents.

I don't think medical professionals will judge you a lot at 19 since it is actually fairly common to have babies that age.

@CountFosco

I'd say that if your experiences of youthful exploring haven't been good so far and if you haven't got any friends and you've already committed yourself to another person then I think that you personally OP should really wait and grow up a bit before you have a child. I would assume you have some issues in your childhood that you either are not revealing or that you don't yet have enough life experience to recognise and that is why you are rushing to create a nuclear family. You could wait 10 years and still be younger than the average age to have a first child but will have an education, work experience and an adult relationship.

Youthful exploring does not just mean getting drunk, having unsatisfactory sex and taking drugs. It's about living with friends, arguing late into the night about politics or art or literature or history or genetics or whatever floats your boat, spending the entire weekend researching a topic you find fascinating for an essay, pulling an all-nighter to write that essay, working in low paid/no responsibility jobs and being free to mess them up and move on to the next job in another city, travelling round the world and arriving in a city with no idea where you are going to spend the night, spending entire days in museums and art galleries immersing yourself in the treasures, eating incredible food in tiny restaurants in the arse end of nowhere, going to the theatre/opera/concert hall multiple times a week during an arts festival, walking home from a ball at dawn, spending all day reading a book, getting up at 5am to go and train for a sport that is your passion etc etc. Your 20s are for exploring and discovering yourself intellectually, morally, physically. It is the time of your life when you should be free of responsibility to others, your parents should still be in good health and having children should be years off. Once you have children you can never go back to that level of freedom.

All of this. And also, because you asked for opinions on teen parents:

I would assume that the mother was very uneducated or very religious - most likely a combination of those - and that they had low expectations of their future attainment overall, and did not value themselves or consider they had any real potential. (I would also assume the same about the father.) Every single person in my social circle would think the same, though of course this isn't popular on MN and we're all supposed to be unjudgey and full of butterflies and kindness but I would definitely not think good things and I know no one who would think differently. But @CountFosco is quite right and you will miss out on so much, and never get the chance back to have it, if you have children now - which you have clearly set your mind to doing regardless of what anyone says. Good luck to you.

Apart from missing out on youthful stuff which you don't seem keen on I'd worry about 2 things in your position

1. Money - all the love and readiness to parent in the world doesn't feed and clothe a child. Love doesn't buy all the bits that Instagram tells us makes an ideal family life.

1. Education - I'm a teacher and see many women trying to get back into education after having children young. Some manage perfectly well but lots drop out because fitting education around a family is hard. Inevitably childcare etc falls to the mum as, if she's stayed home to raise babies she's the go to parent.

I've seen women really struggle with home learning through covid (thinking about you saying you want to do an OU degree) because they're trying to join a Teams lesson with kids playing in the background or they have an assignment but the kids have other ideas.

I'd say put yourself first now before prioritising babies. Putting yourself first once you've had kids is virtually impossible

Hi op. I’m an early years teacher (nursery and reception) we get all ages of parents through our doors and all kind of families, none of which matters in the slightest to us. We love, respect and support all of our children and their families.

What we do notice (and if I’m honest are judgemental on) is the interactions The parents have with their little ones. Do they talk to their children at drop off and collection times (you would be surprised at the number who don’t!)? Have they given the child experiences and the language around them?
If a child (UK) is playing with money and referring into it as “dollars” then a reasonable assumption would be that the child’s overriding frame of reference would be the TV rather than meaningful interactions with mum or dad. Of course that is just a tiny example and we’d never make assumptions off one event but the larger picture and the child as a whole.
Do they share stories together, eat well, are they clean, free of parasites, have good manners, understand boundaries? Do they foster age appropriate independence.
Some of these things can be impacted by SEND both of the child and the parent but what always remains clear is if a child has a strong attachment built on love and trust to their parent or not.

Some of the most amazing and invested parents we have had have been very young. Then again some have not. It is down to the individual.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck to you, I am sure you will be amazing. Read, read, read anything and everything you can lay your hands on about the development of your child(ren). Then when they are here read, read, read to them. Understand that that tiny baby you hold in your arms is also a future man/woman and raise them as such. From the word go talk to them about anything and everything you are doing. Shower them with love but let them grow in the security of structure, boundaries and trust. Always keep your word. If you say “if you don’t try your chicken you won’t get any pudding!” Then that is what happens.

Parenting isn’t easy at any age. It is the biggest responsibility any of us will ever have. Only you have the right to judge if you are ready to be a parent so let go of the fear of others thoughts on the subject and if you decide to do it throw yourself into it whole heartedly.

I find it absolutely terrifying when anyone has a baby while not having enough education and career experience to support the baby as a single parent. While I don’t believe both parents must always be working, it’s crucial to be able to support yourself if your partner gets hit by a bus or just turns into a horrible person once the reality of family life hits. I hate that so many women end up trapped in bad situations because they don’t have marketable skills.

Achieving anything with a child in tow (work, training, academic qualifications, saving for a house deposit) is like fighting with one hand tied behind your back. I work much shorter hours since having DS but am always tired... There's the stress of nursery pick ups, drop offs, never being able to stay late, having to arrange babysitting or arrange with DH to cover social events and that's just the tip of the iceberg. It's taken me much longer to finish my masters degree than if I hadn't had a child. I don't begrudge any of that because I had my late teens and twenties to do my first degree, build up work experience, stay out late and go on exciting holidays.

To be honest, one of the things which has made it easier to do the things I've managed to achieve since having DS is having a supportive partner with a job that pays decently. DH is far from perfect and works long hours, but he does pull his weight when at home and pays most of the childcare and household bills so I've been able to take time out to finish my degree. However, although now he's fairly responsible and mature, that's definitely come with age - there's no way he would have wanted, or been able to cope with, a child in his teens/early twenties. Had we had a child then, I suspect it would have been too much for him and I would have been left literally holding the baby (since it is much easier for men to walk away). It's true that relationships can break down at any age, but it's much more likely to happen when you're barely more than children yourselves and subjected to the huge pressures and stresses which parenting brings. And being a young, broke single mum always looks like a horrifically tough gig to me.

I'm 51 and two of my peers fell pregnant in their teens. Both managed fine, but both were in relationships that didn't last, even though one of them had been with her boyfriend for most of high school. I think you underestimate how much you change from your teens to your twenties.
The one thing I am slightly envious of is, I was 35 when I fell pregnant, dealing with teenage kids in your 50s is hard work, and I feel I will be old when I can finally get my life back 🙈.
Of the two people who had their kids in their teens, one carved out a really successful career post kids, with no pressure of having kids at home (her 'child' is 35!) and one is off travelling.

I feel that teen parents actually have far more time to give to children than those older parents who have the world on their shoulders already. You're more likely to have help from your own parents as well, if they are close to you, as they still see you as a child yourself. On the other hand, I would think about how a baby will affect your whole family. As a mum of 3, I will be encouraging my children to live their life and not think about kids until 30s. Life is unimaginably long and you don't realise how much time you actually have until you hit late 20's. Before that, everything seems like a race to the finish line.

Also, selfishly, I'd like a good few years of no kids at home and spending money on myself before having to start supporting grandchildren 😂

I know a couple of people who have had children in their late teens/early twenties and then settled into work/training/education in their mid/late twenties. They have had the benefit of having loads of energy and time for their babies, and that once they enter into jobs/education they are more experienced, focused, and able to plow on with promotions etc. without maternity leave and less childcare issues.

Saying that, they all had the benefit of very supportive families, and were in positions where their partner could support them for a few years. So it really depends on your circumstances.

The PPs saying about missing out on child free years in your twenties ... there's nothing wrong with having them in your 30s and 40s once the kids are older (as my mother did!).

There's no reason why you couldn't be a great mum at 19. However, it's hard to imagine before you have kids what it is really like. It is much easier to put the needs of your kids first without resentment when you have had years of putting your own needs first in terms of career, travel, sleeping in, whatever. It is much easier to parent when you have a supportive, mature partner. Like PPs have said, my dh is fantastic. He's also 36. He could well have been fantastic when much younger too, but the pressure to provide, the sleepless nights, the missing out on other things might have got in the way. It's much easier to parent well when you have done some work on yourself, looked at your own childhood and what was good and what wasn't. At 19 there would have been a risk that I repeated some of the negatives of my own upbringing as I hadn't done the work. It's also much easier to be a great parent when money is not a big worry (I appreciate financial situations can change, but having a trade or degree behind you is helpful). I felt broody on and off from about 21. But I knew there were other things I wanted to do too. And I knew to be the best parent I could be that I needed to do other things first. In your position, I would spend time with people with babies and young kids. I'd probably also set a timer over night to go off every 2 hrs and stay awake after the timer for 30 mins do that for at least a week or two

Are you at sixth form college at the moment? What are you studying now and what are you planning to study at the OU? Why are you doing OU and college at the same time (implied in one of your posts)?

How much older than you is your DH? What does he do? I get the impression from your posts that he is older and more established than you. If you are not in contact with your family and don't have friends you must be very reliant on him, having children will probably exacerbate that. I'm glad you've found someone who makes you happy but you need more of a support system before you have a child, either friends or family (do you have any members of your extended family who are reliable or an old foster carer?).

I had my first at 19, in the middle of a uni degree and working part time. I continued both and luckily i gave birth to a DS who was placid and let me fit in my life around him!
12 years later i had my second child, whilst i do not regret my DS i've found being a mum again later in life to be easier. I've been in a financial position to have nearly a year of maternity leave (and in fact only went back for 6 weeks before covid and being sent home) i've been more confident and made many friends with babies, been to all the play groups before covid and with my DS i did none of that. He was at a childminders and had pleny of interaction with childen but i feel guilty i didnt have the time or make the effort to take him to groups when he was younger.
I didn't get to enjoy the classic uni experience, I've never been on a holiday with friends/all adults and even though i love holidays with my children i crave a holiday where i can go where i want whether it be sightseeing or just laying on a beach for a week carefree with no responsibilities!
I have no regrets but my advice would be to enjoy yourself a little before rushing into children. Enjoy those carefree holidays, enjoy nights out and being able to come and go when you like, enjoy a lay in because you soon forget what they feel like when you have kids :)

As long as you could support yourself financially I’d have no opinion.

@whiningndwining I always wanted kids very young, I thought it's best to have them, early so then you can enjoy life together as a team and all of that.

I had my son at 34, second at 35.

I was a very sensible teen/young adult. No parties, ever, no boyfriends jumping, no drugs alcohol nothing. Just Uni and a hobby and taking care of my animals and chatting to a few friends in a coffee house.

From that perspective having a kid would be no bother, no difference. But I was not independent financially, my parents would have to support me (which they would).

What my kids have now, that they would not have when I was 19-24 is my emotional and mental stability. I don't shout. I don't lose temper. I care much less about things getting lost, broken, dirty. I am way better organised due to years at Uni multitasking school, work and hobbies. I know what a good relationship looks like. I have had a few men ion my life to know what I want to be treated like and how to communicate with my partner so we are both happy. There are no arguments over anything because we are both calm and understanding of other people.

In short - you can be an amazing young parent, but you will not have the benefit of 10+ years of life experience to pass on/use in those tense moments when tempers run high. Having kids is very very hard, exhausting, relentless and no matter what you say, it completely changes your life. Your life stops existing and your kids come first. You can absolutely do everything you want, but on their terms. They do not prevent you from living life, but you have to live your life their way.

Hope this helps :)

I think its a bit of a shame, but youre already tied down in a long term relationship from a very young age, so im not surprised either.
Its not the worst thing in the world

I would deffo get your degree done before a kid and ideally in a job as well to get maternity pay. I started TTC after I finished my degree. I was naive to an extent, I thought I can do kids first and career after...nope. I struggled with being a mum even more than I expected and due to financial insecurity I had to take the first job I got offered at uni which was essentially minimum wage. My career progression has stalled so much because of that and because of having my daughter. It's not all doom and gloom don't get me wrong but I can see now that I was naive and that was only a few years ago and I was much older than you - I'm going on 27 and have a two year old, my DH is the same age and we are planning to TTC number 2 soon.

I would focus on having your degree done and also secure housing if you don't already have that. We rent from relatives so have secure housing and are saving and should be able to buy in a few years. I don't think we would have ttc at that time if we'd been private renting, so insecure with our tiny savings at the time.

I also got PND and struggled so much in the first 8 months or so til I went back to work, I deffo couldn't have been a SAHM and I had lots of support from DH, my DPs and my DB. I couldn't have done it alone.

My other question is if you don't have any friends and aren't close to your family, when have you been around babies/small children? Me and DH were close to our niece who was 3 when DD was born and DH had also worked as a nanny for kids aged 4-9. Its obviously not the same as having your own kids don't get me wrong but at 19 my sister was very keen on having kids ASAP and effectively looking for a partner for it and wanted a big family and be a SAHM etc. Since my daughter has been born and she's seen first hand the realities of having a baby she's quickly changed her mind!!! Which we are all thankful for as she was not and still is not anywhere near ready to be a parent (she's 22 now).

I would give yourself a few more years to do your degree, save, have secure housing and reassess. If you still want a child after that then go for it no harm done, but you may find that you feel differently about it then and if so you'd be happy to have had that time to realise. I was married at 20 but certainly couldn't have coped with my daughter at that age in a city away from the support networks of my family.

I’m judgemental of parents of any age who choose to have children, or continue to have children, who can’t support them financially and know they will be relying on state support.

Personally I was really glad I had stability in my career, a home, knew myself inside out and have done all the things I wanted to do before we had our son.

Though I personally think you can be a great mum whatever your age and circumstances, I really do not know why you'd actively choose to make life harder for yourself and your child. I had to have IVF in my 30s but even considering that, I'm so pleased I didnt get pregnant in my teens. Its very tough managing busy career job with a baby but so so much easier to manage my workload when I'm established in my field. I can afford to take time off if I need to. I can manage my own diary. I have a home and cars and savings. My mortgage is low. I earn very good money and I am able to save for my child too. It wouldve been so much harder as a teen. My child wouldn't have the opportunities I can give them now. I could've had the career later but with the field I'm in I couldn't have easily studied and trained with kids. I'd have had to have waited until I was this age to start and it wouldve been so hard.