Opinions on teen parents?

[whiningndwining]

How do you perceive teen parents? Does your opinion change based on gender / age / planned or unplanned pregnancy / benefits etc?

Just curious! x

Also, the more you update the clearer it is that you aren't happy with your life at the moment, hence all the comments about youth not being all it's cracked up to be, etc. Having a baby will fix none of that and will make some of it worse.

@Hardbackwriter

OP, I wouldn't say this if you were pregnant, but since it seems to be a theoretical thing you're planning: don't do it. Don't tie yourself to the guy you've been going out with since you were 14. If you've got good financial prospects for a 19 year old then don't throw that away - a few more years sticking at work and saving and you could be miles ahead. If you don't have good financial prospects then you will make it so much harder for yourself to ever change that. Could it all work out if you have a baby now? Absolutely. Are the odds in your favour? Absolutely not. I know you think that you're much wiser and older than the other girls your age but that really does reveal how much more maturing you have to do.

"I know you think that you're much wiser and older than the other girls your age but that really does reveal how much more maturing you have to do"

I actually don't think like this. I absolutely HAVE previously, going through a big "I'm not like other girls" stage (as most people do as edgy preteens) but I'm not like that anymore. I have massive respect for anyone doing what they want to be doing, particularly young women, whether that's settling down, or living it up, or something in between. I would love to have friends and I would completely accept the friendship of people in my age range or younger, but there's some behaviour that I'm really uncomfortable being around (e.g hard drugs). I can understand why you would think I'm like that, but I promise it's nothing to do with the wisdom or age and instead to do with personal interests. Thank you for your advice though!

OP, all your 'haha's in response to your 'What am I like remarks are a worry.

If, at 50, you can look back on your 19 year old self with anything other than amused surprise, indulgent disbelief, some embarrassment and a huge helping of 'what was I thinking?' As you smile at the little contrarian know-all you were, then - you haven't grown up.

The mere idea that at '14-15' you can have sufficient 'training' to be 'financially stable' at 19 is, frankly, laughable. Sorry.

I had mine at 36 and 38. This was, imo at the time, rather late for me.

Like most mums, I don't regret them; especially when I recall the fun, adventures, new people, new situations, new countries, trials and tribulations, career shenanigans, scrapes and capers that got me there, the things that turned me into a financially stable, mature, experienced woman at 36- those things!- but, I wish I'd been 30 and 32 if life had worked out that way. But you're choosing young. And not 'on the young side', that's 24.

And I glance across the room to my 19 year old DS2 who is going to uni next week, and see how he is throwing the gates of his world wide open, while you plan on cooking currant buns for tea.

@Hardbackwriter

Also, the more you update the clearer it is that you aren't happy with your life at the moment, hence all the comments about youth not being all it's cracked up to be, etc. Having a baby will fix none of that and will make some of it worse.

I'm not saying that as a general statement. For me, partying or travelling or casual relationships (or anything else associated with youth) doesn't appeal to me anymore. Would you be saying the same thing to a 30yr old woman who wasn't interested in any of that stuff anymore? As for happiness, it comes in waves. I'll be happier when we're not in lockdown and when I'm at college, but I wouldn't consider myself very unhappy right now. I've been worse, and I can definitely cope.

I'm also not having a baby to "fix anything". Not sure where that thought comes from, specifically? I definitely have some growth and stabilising to do, and have some milestones I want to achieve beforehand, but I'm aware as anyone else is that having a baby makes life a lot harder. Thank you for your perspective though, always interesting to know how you're perceived.

I think it's a shame.

I think everyone who has children young will always say they don't regret it and they can do whatever they want when they're older and they can achieve anything they would have done without having a child.

But I just don't think it's true.

Yes younger people go out and have fun now, but fun dosnt stop at getting drunk in a field. Fun is having your twenties and potentially thirties to do what you, date who you want, have time as a couple, change job and be utterly free.

Yes people who have children young end up okay most of the time, they've achieve things. But did they achieve as much as they could have? Did they have the full career they wanted? Did they earn the money could have or travel where they could have ? No probably not.

It all depends on your perspective, if all you want in your future is to be a mum and spend your entire life putting a little person first (and there is nothing wrong with that) then go for it.

But if you want more, then don't.

Putting off having children is not stopping you from having that experience, you can still do it. Just later, and do other things first.

Personally I am thankfull that the idiotic unprotected sex I had at 19, when I thought "having a baby wouldn't be so bad" didn't work out. Because my life certainly wouldn't be as it is now.

My sister had her first at 17. She pursued a career aggressively during her twenties, lucky enough that her DH had continued to work up the career ladder and support her quite heavily financially. She’s now early thirties and is definitely making up for lost time on the wild front.

Probably the biggest issue for her is how different her life was from her friends, both then and now. She made a few mum friends who were young, but she lost a lot of her friends because she was suddenly a grown up and they were not. Most of her friends now having young children whereas she has two teenagers.

@Miljea I will agree on the 14-15 part, that was unreasonable. However, I think 16 is very very uncommon, but not totally unreasonable. Thank you for your thoughts - I'm willing to disagree on your perception of me, but I appreciate the effort & time it took to write a comment. Good luck to your son, I hope he achieves everything he wants to achieve in his life.

@Hardbackwriter

Also, the more you update the clearer it is that you aren't happy with your life at the moment, hence all the comments about youth not being all it's cracked up to be, etc. Having a baby will fix none of that and will make some of it worse.

This. You're not stable enough or emotionally mature enough to have a baby. Yet. In 10 years time you'll look back and understand that. You won't now though I suspect, and will end up a single mum with little support or prospects. Please don't have a baby for a few more years. Both you and your future children deserve the best - and that's worth waiting for.

How old are you now, OP? (I'm assuming you're not a 54 year old DM hack with sweat stained armpits and halitosis...😂)...

I do think you sound a bit naive OP

I think it's really sad to have never experienced being a childfree adult.

@Babs709 I can see how doing things the opposite way around can make your lifestyle a bit incompatible with friends who are doing it the typical way around. Is she willing to have older friends, who for example may have teenagers themselves? Thank you for sharing :) x

Thank you everyone for your honest opinions - I am going to factor in that people DO judge teen mums into my decision making. However, in the end I will try and make the best choices I can make for my children, DH and myself - whether that means having children at an older or younger age. I'm grateful to hear everyone's opinions, especially those who have experience of being a younger mum.

You will never truly appreciate how free you are when you don't have children until you actually have them.

@whiningndwining it’s not that she isn’t willing to, it just isn’t the people she’s gravitated to. When her kids were babies she was frowned upon A LOT amongst other mums. They all expected very little from her and she was judged. But now the kids are teenagers, she definitely holds her own with their friends parents. There is no obvious age difference and she gets on with them just fine. It’s just the people she has naturally ended up being in a group of friends with who have children of a very different age.

i am going to factor in that people DO judge teen mums into my decision making.

This shouldnt be a factor at all tbh. It just shows how young you are.

I ended up hanging out with some people who I don't share core values with

It sounds positive that you've cut ties with the negative influences OP.

Looking back, I think I was in quite a similar place to you in terms of my social experience - I didn't feel the closeness and affection other people seemed to have from their families and felt isolated from my peers (although in my case, I realised later that I was neurodivergent but had no idea why I felt so at odds with everyone else at the time!).

Of course, this never occurred to me consciously at the time, but in retrospect I think that creating a new little person who was just mine to love and to share my isolated experience of the world seemed incredibly appealing on some subconscious level. I remember feeling really fucking blindsided once I'd realised they don't turn out to be 'mini-me's and have their own unique strengths and weaknesses and interests (and find yours deathly boring)!!

@Letsallscreamatthesistene I didn't say it would affect my overall decision - I see it as thinking about everyone's opinions rather than going; "Nope! I know best, no one else's thoughts or experience matters!"

I am fairly certain if I had done that, there would have been a similar comment of; "this shows how young you are."

I think 19 is too young, you have so much time to have children and should be enjoying yourself, studying, travelling, whatever. I think mid twenties is the earliest I’d ever have done it.
I’d want a secure relationship, job and accommodation in place. Even if whoever it was had won the lottery- I still think it’s too young. Each to their own though.

I had one at 16, one at 19, and my last at 23. I thought I was a grown up, but brain development continues until around 25, which means looking back I can see I made some terrible decisions. Now I love my kids to bits, and I don’t regret them for a second, but I look at ds going off to uni with the whole world in front of him, and I never had that. It also means co-parenting with exes who I really wish I wasn’t tied to forever, and of course my children are affected by that. You may think your relationship is solid - and it may well be - but very few people are still with their teen partner by their 30’s / 40’s / 50’s.

I became a mum at 19 after an unplanned pregnancy. I love my DC and I’m a great mum, I don’t feel my child has ever lacked anything children born to older parents have.
I can’t understand why someone would actively plan to get pregnant and become a parent at that age though. Just why? What’s the rush? You’ll still be a ‘young parent’ if you wait another 5 years. Nearly a decade on I’ve achieved everything I wanted to anyway but I’m sad I’ll never back my youth to just be care-free and have fun.

Is she willing to have older friends, who for example may have teenagers themselves? Yes, but friendships go both ways. I like diverse friends but I’m not sure what I’d have in common (as a 47 year old with teenagers) with someone who had ‘prioritised family’. What does that even mean...? You might be happy with older mums as friends - but will they have things in common with you?

@LonginesPrime Thank you for saying it's positive to cut ties, I genuinely agree in the situation I was in. I'm autistic, so also neurodivergent though I guess I have the advantage of knowing I'm always going to have a feeling of not fitting in (at least to some degree). I definitely understand how people can have children in an attempt to experience unconditional love from a dependent, and maybe I do have some of that in me as well. But if I'm honest, I'd be happy to have kids that were just like me or the opposite of me - I think there are positives and negatives to both.

It's really good to hear the thought process and experiences of someone who sounds like they've been in a similar situation to me previously (particularly in relation to neurodivergence and young motherhood). Thank you!

......yet the vast majority of people on here say its too young and you're still considering it.

I mean, do what you think is best and all, but I think you sound incredibly naive in most of your posts, thats masked with an articulate writing style.

Sorry, I should have added, none of that means I judge other young mums. I volunteer for a project set up to support teen mums as they often don’t feel comfortable at regular baby groups. I do sometimes feel sad seeing others go through the same tough times I did though.