Opinions on teen parents?

[whiningndwining]

How do you perceive teen parents? Does your opinion change based on gender / age / planned or unplanned pregnancy / benefits etc?

Just curious! x

Yes, people judge me. Even now DS1 is 11 I get "But you look so young!" It's not said in a complimentary way. I never get this with DS2 (I was 30). People assume DS2 is my first or when I say I have two they think of a four year old, not a secondary school kid!

It's been hard to fit in with other parents. I didn't fit with the younger mums, I'm not a religious married soon have loads of kids mum either and other mums with kids DS1's age are 10-20 years older than me and that much further ahead in life milestones, career, lifestyle etc.

And it's got in the way of things I've wanted to do - if I could go back I'd ask myself what was the rush honestly. Also having children under about 8 is the most expensive period of your life, and one where earning possibility is often constrained, so if you have any financial goals to meet, savings /emergency fund, pay off debts, learn to drive, buy a house or whatever, it makes sense to get those done first before TTC if you have the time to do that, which you do. Likewise if you have any ambitions for a job that requires loads of intense training, I'd get that done before DC and get a couple of years experience at least.

But if those kinds of goals don't apply and you know you're with the right person and you have their support to do things like study, travel, go away for weekends with friends etc, there's no huge reason to wait either.

i had my first at 15, i’m now 28 and have 4 - aged 13, 6, 2, and 4 months. they all have the same dad and we’re very happy and getting married (was meant to be last month but covid meant we’ve has to postpone). honestly it was hard. so so hard. we definitely couldn’t have done it without the help of my parents. they helped look after baby so me and boyfriend could continue with school. we both went to college and uni, only a year later than most, and we both worked in order to provide for our son. we were very fortunate in that my boyfriend had a large inheritance that he came into when he was 18 so we were able to buy our first house when our son was young. BUT i recognise that i’m in the minority. i know many other teen mums who didn’t get an education, who don’t work, who rely on benefits, who are fighting tooth and nail for a council house.

I'd say that if your experiences of youthful exploring haven't been good so far and if you haven't got any friends and you've already committed yourself to another person then I think that you personally OP should really wait and grow up a bit before you have a child. I would assume you have some issues in your childhood that you either are not revealing or that you don't yet have enough life experience to recognise and that is why you are rushing to create a nuclear family. You could wait 10 years and still be younger than the average age to have a first child but will have an education, work experience and an adult relationship.

Youthful exploring does not just mean getting drunk, having unsatisfactory sex and taking drugs. It's about living with friends, arguing late into the night about politics or art or literature or history or genetics or whatever floats your boat, spending the entire weekend researching a topic you find fascinating for an essay, pulling an all-nighter to write that essay, working in low paid/no responsibility jobs and being free to mess them up and move on to the next job in another city, travelling round the world and arriving in a city with no idea where you are going to spend the night, spending entire days in museums and art galleries immersing yourself in the treasures, eating incredible food in tiny restaurants in the arse end of nowhere, going to the theatre/opera/concert hall multiple times a week during an arts festival, walking home from a ball at dawn, spending all day reading a book, getting up at 5am to go and train for a sport that is your passion etc etc. Your 20s are for exploring and discovering yourself intellectually, morally, physically. It is the time of your life when you should be free of responsibility to others, your parents should still be in good health and having children should be years off. Once you have children you can never go back to that level of freedom.

@CrypticQueen By prioritised family, I guess I just mean it's a choice you made earlier in life, if you intentionally got pregnant. Not that older mothers haven't prioritised their families, not what I'm trying to convey.

You can have things in common outside of age - hobbies, interests, future goals etc etc. I would rather be around someone who has similar interests to me, than someone who is simply my age (though if you get both, that's brilliant).

@thewhitechair I already have adult responsibilities that mean I can't be wild or carefree in that sense (responsibilities that I have knowingly taken on). I guess my fun just comes from different sources, and I've actively chosen this lifestyle.

Had my first baby at 32, was really glad I did. At 19 I was in no way able to financially support a child and I enjoyed my 20s. At 32, I had solid savings, a good relationship and a house.. Regardless of being ready with your partner.. Are you able to financially support a child as well as yourself x

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

......yet the vast majority of people on here say its too young and you're still considering it.

I mean, do what you think is best and all, but I think you sound incredibly naive in most of your posts, thats masked with an articulate writing style.

Most people have said it's too young, I am still considering it. Doesn't mean I've decided on it, or that I'm advocating it - it's the research to my final conclusion, if you will. I'm just balancing the pros and the cons.

Thank you for calling me articulate, and I'm sorry you see me as incredibly naive.

I think you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of hard work OP.

I had my first at 31, my second at 34 and the underlying worry that comes with having kids NEVER goes away.
You will never again only be able to think about yourself, every decision you make in the back of your mind you have to make for another person as well.

At 19 I was a massive bell end in a 4 year relation with an even bigger bell end. Fuck me but if I'd tied myself to that dick head with a baby id have shot myself.

All that aside, the idea that you can pick up where you left off when your kids are grown is very rarely a possibility, especially without the strongest of support networks, financial stability/security and some strong grit and determination.

If you don't see yourself wanting any more from life than to be a parent then crack on but please don't be so naive to think that all 19 year olds want to do is drink, party and sleep around. Some do, some don't, but without fail every single one of them will be a completely different person once they hit 25.

Give it a few years, allow some world wisdom to sink in and then do it.

I think there are merits to having children 18-22 OR after 30 (both give you some young years of living freer of responsibilities). But often people break up and then have more children with a new partner and so have decades of raising young children.

OP, what are you gaining by having a baby at 19 as opposed to say 25? What motivates you to want to do it then?

I always knew I wanted to be a mother, I’m very maternal and I grew up with babies around me and was desperate for one. Personally, I was glad I waited until I had a strong career. I wasn’t in any rush.

Just trying to understand what you’re thinking... not hounding you!

@BertieBotts

Agree with both your points. I struggled massively to make friends as a 19-year-old new mum. I didn’t quite fit in anywhere- was from a fairly middle-class background, young but in a stable 3-year relationship and financially supported by my partner who worked full-time, was working at getting degree myself. The teenage mum groups were often even younger single mums still at school and in fairly chaotic situations. The regular baby groups were filled with mums 20 years older than me who also couldn’t relate to me or want to be friends.

And also yes to achieving everything first. I went through organising a wedding and getting married, saving up and getting mortgage and moving into our first house, studying and getting a degree- all 10 times harder with a baby in tow and it sort of takes all the enjoyment out of it as well in a way because it’s more stressful.

When I was young a ‘teen parent’ I thought I had all my wild times and enjoyed myself. But as I’ve got older (a lot) and wiser I’ve realised I missed out on a hell of a lot. Backpacking, going away with friends, last minute visits to random places, eating weird food, developing my own hobbies and personality aside from being a mum. I have none of that. I love my child dearly but I was young and naive when I had them. (Definitely not aiming this at you and your DH) I was emotionally damaged largely to do with my upbringing and clung onto anyone who I thought could show me real love. I was very naive and thought I was worth nothing.

My son did help me grow up quickly and I feel now strong because of the impact he has on my life.

@CountFosco All my cards on the table then - I had an abusive upbringing, which meant I had to leave home at 16. I had a very turbulent time prior to 16, both due to abuse but also because I tried to follow the mentality that a wild or carefree youth would make me happy. It made me very unhappy, I was involved with some seedy characters and made ultimately poor choices. After moving out, I got married relatively quickly, partially because I found a genuinely good person to marry & was in love, but also probably because I needed an element of stability. I have spent the rest of my time healing from my trauma (including extensive therapy, medication when needed, as well as aforementioned emancipation from my family).

I am offering up this information absolutely knowing that it will be used to further paint me as naive, or childish or any other negative adjective. I feel GENUINELY passionate, that I have healed enough to be able to take care of someone else, and that my negative experiences are useful help for if my child ever has negative experiences that are similar. Part of my reason to want kids young is because I understand that by the time you're in your 30s, you've lost a lot of time since you were a child or teenager and therefore you've lost at least some perspective on what it feels like to be these things.

I never want to treat my children like my parents treated me, and I am aware they would have been better parents if they had even a base memory of what it felt like to be a child. Maybe this is unrealistic or stupid, but I have a strong passion to be the best mother I can be, and would never bring a child into the world if I didn't feel I could support them emotionally, physically and financially. I want to be the best mother I can be. If I'm honest, being a mother matters to me a whole hell of a lot more than the experiences of youth, which never did me many favours. If you've had different experiences or you miss being in your twenties, I am so so happy for you but it is not a lifestyle I am going to dip my toe into again. I will drink socially if I get the option, but I don't want to put my life on hold for this sole purpose.

All of this being said, I AM set on being a young mother, but I'm not necessarily set on being a mother at 19/20. I'm just looking for honest perspectives. This is the brutal, bare bones of my experiences (which I'm sure will be used against me later down the posts!) but maybe it's useful to state all of this. Feel free to continue calling me naive (which I very well maybe), these are my experiences.

Thank you for your post, sorry this has been such a massive tangent. I appreciate it.

I genuinely agree in the situation I was in. I'm autistic

This jumped out for me. You do realise that you are more likely to have an Autistic child being Autistic yourself. This would make me reconsider about having a child at 19. I have no family history of ASD and I still ended up with a child who has it!

I love my child. I wouldn't have done my Occupational Therapy Degree if it wasn't for him. But God, it's hard. So hard. But I was so so so resilient- and still am. I mean- you don't know where your life will take you, but if I knew now money really does make a difference to these children's lives as it has done for mine. I would wait a few years, get a house, save like mad, enjoy yourself... so if you do end up with a disabled DC you have the financial stability to improve their quality of lives... of course money is not paramount to a good life--. Look at all these famous celebrities, who are rich as well and have committed suicide. But good therapy makes a big difference to these children's lives.

I'm an older mum - 37 when DD was born. I was / am so very tired (but also obviously desperately in love with my baby girl) DM and DMIL had their babies in their teens and early twenties and whilst this was a long time ago now when it may have been closer to the norm, both have told me of many benefits, like having so much energy and coping with the sleepless nights and early mornings. Also, my mum (who had three by the time she was 22 and her first at 19) told me in some ways it was a lot easier as she had not had years fo build up a love of expensive things and lie ins so not really knowing any different (unlike me who really misses my weekend sleep ins and going out for dinner three times a week, as well as my morning Starbucks) and you just kind of grow up with them. I was born a good 10 years later and she said she really noticed a difference in her energy levels and stamina.
I think there are also obviously benefits to having your babies late too, I only met DH when I was in my 30s and I'm so glad I had a baby with him - so you should do what works best for you and your DH - if he's the man you want to have children with and you're both ready then you should do it. Babies don't stop u living your life but they do completely change it and you may fall out of step with your friends if they don't have any.

I had my DS at 19. It was hard. In fact today, I came across some emails between me and my friends when DS was a few months old. They were planning spontaneous nights out, I was forever replying "sorry I'm broke" or "I don't think I can get a babysitter" or the like.

I missed out on travelling, being able to take jobs more than 30 minutes from home, after work drinks, even going to the gym (!) and spontaneous EVERYTHING and never really fitted in anywhere. My friends were all childless at that point and now, 13 years later, they're starting to have babies whilst I'm mum to a teen! We've gone through life at completely different stages.

DS also has SEN, which has been a slog. It's not easy - dealing with the issues that brings and also advocating for them constantly. Medical appointments, etc.

I was desperate for a baby but soooo not prepared for the following years of raising a child.

I don't want to say it's all been bad, but I definitely did it the hard way. And now in some ways I would like another child now I'm older / less sociable / financially secure, but thought of dedicating myself to child rearing for another two decades means I won't, because I want to experience all the things I missed out on. It's sad really.

Hi @Babs709. I explained my reasons for wanting to be a younger mum in the (admittedly very lengthy) paragraph I wrote above. I'm not set on being a mum at 19, but I am set on being a young mum because I think that's when I'll do the best job. Careerwise, if I find something I'm desperate to do then I'll be more than happy to do it, but I'm also okay with going with a simpler job. Careers don't play a big part in my sense of identity or goals, if I'm honest, but I will do what I need to do to get by.

Thank you for trying to understand what I'm thinking, don't worry, no hounding involved :) x

@buildingbridge It's entirely possible that I will have an autistic child. I'm not going to avoid having children to simply avoid having an autistic one - though I agree, I am saving up additional money in case I do have a child with special needs. Thank you for the advice.

Yes, I definitely wouldn't change my DC for the world, but it hasn't been an easy ride!

With my eldest, it didn't become clear until puberty hit that she would need care throughout her life because of her difficulties (she has ASD but more significantly, a cognitive impairment which makes her anxiety very challenging to manage) and I guess I didn't factor in the notion that my child might not have a similar level of intelligence to me.

Regarding not fitting in, I wish I'd exposed myself to a wider circle when I was in my teens and 20s. My neurodivergent mother did that (living, studying and then working in the city) and picked up heaps of quirky friends who appreciate her divergence and it's them against the world. But I grew up in the middle of nowhere with no diversity (ironically because my folks thought that would be better than raising a child in the city!) and it's was only in my late 20s/early 30s when I got on with working that I met some of 'my people' who see me for me. I always encourage my younger two DC (who also have ASD) to cast their net wide and not give up on finding friends as there will be other people out there just like them!

@zaffa I guess that is actually a benefit I hadn't thought of! The majority of my disposable income will be going towards my child, so I suppose by the time my DH and I are making a lot of money and are older, it will be nice to have it to spend (rather than feeling like it's being taken away). My DH is in a very stable and respected career, and is honestly an all-round decent bloke. I wouldn't have a baby with someone who I didn't think would be a good dad, even if I really wanted one - I don't think it's fair. Thanks for your perspective! Best of luck to you and your daughter xx

I never want to treat my children like my parents treated me, and I am aware they would have been better parents if they had even a base memory of what it felt like to be a child

Sorry you went through that, OP.

But can I ask - do you genuinely believe it was your parents' ages that made them abusive? And if so, does that mean you believe that you'll become abusive in the future when you're older?

Obviously I don't know your situation, but it seems highly unlikely that a person's age or their proximity to their own childhood adequately explains abusive behaviour.

"Part of my reason to want kids young is because I understand that by the time you're in your 30s, you've lost a lot of time since you were a child or teenager and therefore you've lost at least some perspective on what it feels like to be these things."

So you think that mums in the 30s don't remember what it was like to be a teenager? How odd.

As for 'doing what you need to get by' financially and career wise, you're setting yourself up for a lot of hard times if that's your 'goal' in having kids very young.

It's too young. It sounds like you want someone to love and to love you unconditionally.
I do not judge teenage mothers but I think it's hard and other experiences could be better to help heal and offer a new way of living.

I work with teenage mothers and it mostly turns out alright but you will need a lotof support.

@whiningndwining sorry yes I had seen this, I guess I’d still think of 25 as a young mum. But 6 years is still quite different. I guess I’m trying to understand why you’d want to be a super young mum. But I think I get it. If you want kids first (as it were, I mean before career) then why wait...?

I'm not going to avoid having children to simply avoid having an autistic one

No. Of course not. Whatever will be, will be. Even neurotypical children are not out of the clear-- mental illness, horrific accidents which may render them with an impairment... drugs.. gangs... the list goes on.

You sounded a bit defensive. But at 19, this would definitely be my reason not to actively have a child at your age. I'm sorry, I just won't do it. . I would save like mad, get my career going, and if you do have a child with ASD or any disability, then you will be in a very good financial position to afford private therapy for him/her.

@LonginesPrime

Yes, I definitely wouldn't change my DC for the world, but it hasn't been an easy ride!

With my eldest, it didn't become clear until puberty hit that she would need care throughout her life because of her difficulties (she has ASD but more significantly, a cognitive impairment which makes her anxiety very challenging to manage) and I guess I didn't factor in the notion that my child might not have a similar level of intelligence to me.

Regarding not fitting in, I wish I'd exposed myself to a wider circle when I was in my teens and 20s. My neurodivergent mother did that (living, studying and then working in the city) and picked up heaps of quirky friends who appreciate her divergence and it's them against the world. But I grew up in the middle of nowhere with no diversity (ironically because my folks thought that would be better than raising a child in the city!) and it's was only in my late 20s/early 30s when I got on with working that I met some of 'my people' who see me for me. I always encourage my younger two DC (who also have ASD) to cast their net wide and not give up on finding friends as there will be other people out there just like them!

@LonginesPrime I'm continuing a course in college in a larger town than where I grew up, in an attempt to have a wider range of acquaintances & friends. So far, I've not met many people like me but I have had friends previously so I've not lost all hope (plus, the fact that DH seems to think I'm tolerable is comforting! ). Though arguably, diversity in mid-sized Scottish towns is rarely extensive hahaha!