Opinions on teen parents?

[whiningndwining]

How do you perceive teen parents? Does your opinion change based on gender / age / planned or unplanned pregnancy / benefits etc?

Just curious! x

I dont think you need perspective, or need to remember what its like to be a teenager so you can deal with your childs teenage issues. That sounds a bit like the blind leading the blind. Your job as a parent is to guide your child based on your life experiences and greater knowledge of the world, not be so young that you can relate to them on the same level.

I was 21 when I had my first. Oh how naive I was.

She was extremely premature, brain damaged, with lasting consequences and SEN.

I could barely go out with her, it was SO difficult. Husband worked so I was alone a lot of the time. No one could babysit her needs. It was intense. I barely slept. It absolutely destroyed my relationship too. We were broken. Money was hard! Getting back to work full time for both of us is still impossible.

I thought it would never happen to me.

If I could have changed the age when I had her I would. I didn’t realise then i could have had a carefree years with my partner before settling down. We didn’t get that. We prob won’t ever, even now she’s older, she’s going to be with us long past the old “moving out” sorta age.

We’re not getting that opportunity back. We haven’t travelled abroad for 14 years. We rarely get nights alone child free.

It’s easy to think “that’s rare”
It’s not at all.

@LonginesPrime

I never want to treat my children like my parents treated me, and I am aware they would have been better parents if they had even a base memory of what it felt like to be a child

Sorry you went through that, OP.

But can I ask - do you genuinely believe it was your parents' ages that made them abusive? And if so, does that mean you believe that you'll become abusive in the future when you're older?

Obviously I don't know your situation, but it seems highly unlikely that a person's age or their proximity to their own childhood adequately explains abusive behaviour.

@LonginesPrime It's definitely not my parent's ages that made them abusive - they were abusive because they didn't know any better or didn't want to be any better (could be either really). However, I think if they had had remembered what it was like to be a teenager, then I do think it would have affected at least some of their behaviour. I.e. having realistic expectations of what teenagers achievers, knowing how they would have behaved if their parents treated them in certain ways etc etc. So no, it's absolutely not a cause of abuse to be older. It's just something I want be mindful of.

@Ginger1982 I'm not suggesting people in their thirties don't remember their teenage years, I'm saying that if you have a child in your thirties (plus all of this freedom and fun in your twenties) then it's been a long time and a lot of changes since you know what it was like to be a child or adolescent. If you think that's wrong, feel free to let me know.

@buildingbridge I probably am a bit defensive. I'm not trying to be, and I apologise if it comes across that way. It's a little challenging not to be though, sometimes

I think if you want to get a degree then you should try to do that before you have children.

It's absolutely not impossible to do it after, some people do but you have to be realistic about when that would be.

If you have a baby at 19 and want to be a SAHM to care for that child then you will be doing that till they go to school at 5 (4 if they have a late summer birthday) so you'll be 24.

Except school is 9am-3pm, factor in drop off and pick up time and you will only be able to do a part time course unless you can afford and are willing to use after school club which adds anything from £200-400 a month to your budget.

If you wait till secondary school when your child would be able to get themselves home from school p, then you'll be starting that degree when you're 30, finishing at 33/34 and then embarking on your career.

And that timeline and budget assumes you only have 1 child.

If you chose to pursue a degree with an infant then you are looking at £45-70 per day for childcare before they are 3 years old with 15 hrs free childcare a week from the term after they turn 3.

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

I dont think you need perspective, or need to remember what its like to be a teenager so you can deal with your childs teenage issues. That sounds a bit like the blind leading the blind. Your job as a parent is to guide your child based on your life experiences and greater knowledge of the world, not be so young that you can relate to them on the same level.

@Letsallscreamatthesistene I guess in that case I'm incorrect, then. I'd like to be able to guide my children based on my life experiences and be able to relate to them, but maybe that's unobtainable.

the fact that DH seems to think I'm tolerable is comforting!

Ha, glad to hear it OP!

That sounds exciting about your course - and just remember there are lots of other people out there (neurodivergent and otherwise) who aren't into partying and have other interests...as you know, it just sometimes takes a while to find the really good ones!

Its also not a given you'll be able to relate to your child at all. They may have a completely different perspective to you. In which case, you need life experience to be able to deal with that and still offer guidance.

OP a couple of things to consider about parenting with autism (have just seen that you have similar replies above):

Autism is inherited, so your DC are also likely to have ASD. This is tough. DS1 has Asperger's/level 1 but it means extra meetings, paying for a diagnosis, attending to his sensory needs, giving him a higher level of support than a NT child.

Parenting is exhausting and all-consuming. You can never take a breather. As someone with autism, you will need time on your own to recharge. You simply can't have that time to yourself, for many years.

I don't think being a young mother is

@TorysSuckRevokeArticle50 Will have completed (if all goes well) 2/3 years towards a degree by the time I have a child -- providing I do decide to have a child at that time. If I don't manage to complete that much, or if I can't finish the last year, I will probably take time off and come back to it at a later date (e.g. while they're at school for example). As for work, I'm hoping to get some online freelancer-type work - I have some experience in this and will hopefully have my degree to, or part time work when my kids are in school.

The degree I would be getting is with the Open University just so you know, meaning I wouldn't need childcare costs for that time

Id also like to add - im NT and have never, ever been into partying. Its never been my scene. Yet I managed to enjoy my 20's....

@LonginesPrime Thank you for your post! I was sober for a little bit & went to some groups, might consider going back when the time is right - sounds a little sad but people are supportive and usually have alternative lifestyles haha!

Still looking for the really good ones, just biding my time & trying to focus on self improvement so that I can also be a good mate to anyone who comes along! Thank you for your post :) x

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

Id also like to add - im NT and have never, ever been into partying. Its never been my scene. Yet I managed to enjoy my 20's....

@Letsallscreamatthesistene I hope to enjoy mine too!

*Sorry, accidentally cut myself off.

I don't think being a young or old mother is the relevant variable here. You need to forge your own path and discover yourself before you lose your freedom and agency, which is what happens when children arrive.

@BGirlBouillabaisse ASD is tough, I agree. It's tough on the individual and also tough on the individual's support network. I'm prepared to dedicate myself to an NT or an ND child (whichever comes along, really) but I'm also not going to be completely on my own -- my DH works changing shifts, so he will be present in the day times on some days. I do intend to take on most of the big daily commitments but I also have a supportive DH who actively wants a family, and I know will support me & my future DC(s) when a break is needed. x

"Will have completed (if all goes well) 2/3 years towards a degree by the time I have a child -- providing I do decide to have a child at that time. If I don't manage to complete that much, or if I can't finish the last year, I will probably take time off and come back to it at a later date (e.g. while they're at school for example). As for work, I'm hoping to get some online freelancer-type work - I have some experience in this and will hopefully have my degree to, or part time work when my kids are in school."

This way of thinking rings alarm bells for me, sorry.

And yes, whilst I have not been an adolescent as recently as you have (or are) that doesn't mean anything so far as parenting is concerned. If anything, I think it makes me much more able, experienced and mature to deal with the many things parenting throws at you.

@Ginger1982

"Will have completed (if all goes well) 2/3 years towards a degree by the time I have a child -- providing I do decide to have a child at that time. If I don't manage to complete that much, or if I can't finish the last year, I will probably take time off and come back to it at a later date (e.g. while they're at school for example). As for work, I'm hoping to get some online freelancer-type work - I have some experience in this and will hopefully have my degree to, or part time work when my kids are in school."

This way of thinking rings alarm bells for me, sorry.

And yes, whilst I have not been an adolescent as recently as you have (or are) that doesn't mean anything so far as parenting is concerned. If anything, I think it makes me much more able, experienced and mature to deal with the many things parenting throws at you.

@Ginger1982 Which part rings alarm bells to you?

The fact that you will have an unfinished qualification if you have a child when you're thinking you will, and that you'll probably come back to it at a later date. Call me cynical but whilst that sounds good in theory, I'm sure it's less straightforward in practice.

You'd be far better having the qualification under your belt first, even if you don't really use it before having kids.

OP- I had my child at 16, not planned. Probably classed as 'irresponsible' by many. I was financially OK at 16 and I already had a job. I will agree that having a baby is tough work but this is at any age. There are many mothers in their 20s 30s 40s 50s that are reliant on benefits who choose to have children and many mothers that have relationship breakdowns. To me it doesn't matter what age you have a child because anything could happen tomorrow. Having my child younger has made me the hard working and stronger person I am today. I think that mothers should stop being judgemental and support one another because it is tough at any age. One thing to note OP is I was subject to cruel and unkind words from others at 16 and I still have it now, I manage to put it to the back of my mind though so as long as you don't care what others think, have a baby at any age.

@Ginger1982 I may not actually have an unfinished degree. If college is relatively low-hassle this year then I may be able to start the degree and have finished it by the time I have a child (if I do decide to have a child at that time). I'm not relying on it, but if it's possible then I'll find a way to juggle it. At worst I will have a final year left.

@Rlw2020 I'm sorry people were shitty to you about being a teen mum, that's horrible. I'm glad your pregnancy & DC has made you a better / stronger person, it shows resilience on your part. Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it x

What @Sunshineandsparkle said! I completely agree and had my DC at 30 and 33 (I’m 33 now).
Of course there are pros to being a younger mum and plenty of women have children young, develop a career and have a stable relationship. They can support themselves financially and don’t feel they’ve missed out. However I do think that’s rare and as some have said above, teen mums generally make me feel a bit sad because there’s SO MUCH to enjoy being responsible only for yourself. As @Sunshineandsparkle says it’s not about partying, it’s about freedom and choice and opportunity and life experiences. As you say, children are forever, It would be much easier to build a career and a stable financial life for them BEFORE they arrive than after.
Ultimately you need to do what’s best for you but I’d suggest waiting 5 years if you can x

@Justjoshin22 Thank you for your positive realism, I appreciate it.

It's been an interesting discussion so thank you all. I'm considering all my options and what I think would be the best choice for my future child, my husband and myself. I appreciate everyone who contributed. Have a good night, all!

[quote whiningndwining]@Ginger1982 I may not actually have an unfinished degree. If college is relatively low-hassle this year then I may be able to start the degree and have finished it by the time I have a child (if I do decide to have a child at that time). I'm not relying on it, but if it's possible then I'll find a way to juggle it. At worst I will have a final year left.

@Rlw2020 I'm sorry people were shitty to you about being a teen mum, that's horrible. I'm glad your pregnancy & DC has made you a better / stronger person, it shows resilience on your part. Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it x[/quote]
If you would only have a final year left then why would you not just wait one more year and then TTC?

@Ginger1982 Maybe I will! It's not out of the question.

I was very much a kid at 19 and messed around/studentdom/travelling/many different jobs and relationships until I was 30.
Literally cant imagine anyone deliberately contemplating planning kids before mid 20s at the earliest.

But, we're all different and if that's what you want to do, I guess why not?

As for all the "can you support yourself" comments, I had my kids well into my 30s and I'd my partner left me I'd have been buggared financially, should I never have had kids?

If you're interested in my opinion I'd advise you to wait for at least a few more years just to have some more fun and freedom while you're young. However, if I met a teen who was doing a good job of being a parent I think I'd mainly be impressed rather than judge them because it is bloody hard work!

If it was unplanned, I'd be sympathetic and wouldn't judge. If it was planned, I would wonder why on earth they would choose such a thing.

I got pregnant and 19 and had a termination, which was awful at the time. Now I look back and just feel relieved about dodging a massive bullet. I was a child at 19 but felt like I knew everything. The boy I was seeing was nice enough but I can't imagine how crap it would have been to be stuck with him as a co-parent for the rest of my life. I wouldn't have met my husband or had anything like the life I have now.

I did so much growing as a person in my 20s and I think that's true for most people. I just have no idea why you would choose to have a child before studying for a degree, which is what you've said you want to do. Why can't you just wait until after university? What's the rush?