Opinions on teen parents?

[whiningndwining]

How do you perceive teen parents? Does your opinion change based on gender / age / planned or unplanned pregnancy / benefits etc?

Just curious! x

@AlternativePerspective

My parents were 20 and 23 respectively when they had my sister and then me. Back then people generally were younger mothers, having first babies in your 30’s and even late twenties was almost unheard of,

The plus side of that was that parents and children were not too many years apart, so parents were able to play a far more active part in the lives of their grandchildren, and to a large extent get much of their life back by the time they reached their 40’s.

On the downside 19 is incredibly young to have a baby, especially to plan one, when most of the people around you are not. It’s likely that your own age group will no longer have anything in common with you, and older people will assume that your pregnancy was either unplanned or that you were incredibly stupid to plan a baby this soon in life.

Having said that, I believe that parents choosing to have babies later and later in life means that we run the risk that the next generation of children will be grandparentless, and it is sad that many of those relationships will just never happen to a huge degree.

I would say that anyone should be solvent and not reliant on the state if they’re planning to have a baby. And I say that of someone who is 20 or 45.

@AlternativePerspective I guess I am a bit more traditional / old school in my thinking (e.g. young marriage). My parents were on the older side when they had me, something which I'm not sure did anyone any favours - though I'm sure if they had me when they were very young, I'd be saying a similar thing ( I guess quality of parent matters more than age, maybe?). As for the age group thing, I've always gotten on with slightly older people better, but even so, the choices I've made already have put me apart from my age group (.e.g. living with a partner, periods of not drinking, no drugs, marriage etc etc). So far, it's not done me any harm!

For the older people judgement part - I think it would be a shame to be judged by older people, but similarly I know that people are going to judge my choices in relation to motherhood anyway! I.e. too old / too young, eating too much / eating too little, breastfeeding / no breastfeeding etc etc. I'm not discounting anyone's opinion, just acknowledge that people may judge anyway.

Thanks so much for your thoughts though, great to hear ! x

missed youth!!!

My opinion is that too many people have prejudices.

@Pipandmum Fair enough about the age of consent part, I overlooked that slightly - if I rephrase it to 16, I guess I wonder if someone has already left school, been in a long term relationship, is working / has training, does this affect your views on their potential parenting? Obviously an uncommon situation, I'm just wondering if age plays into it at all or if it's just money / experience etc etc that matters to you in this situation.

Hahahaha I also think it's funny that the element of friends plays into people's opinions a lot - not sure I have any!
Thank you for your opinion though, I can't promise I'm going to wait till I'm 28-32 but I can understand your arguments as to why this is the most generally 'balanced' to start a family.x

Personally I think a fair few teen parents were/are irresponsible (careless/silly etc). There are parents in their thirties who struggle to get by or have a second child despite having worked for over a decade at least. How can any ‘teen’ be they 16 or 19 (if we’re including 19 year olds), be in a position where they are truly financially able to provide for a child.

I 'grew up' in my 20's. Theres no way id be the person I am now without the stressors/inputs from my 20's life. Im 34 now and honestly a better/different/more mature (obviously) person. I think im a much better mother now than I would have been in my late teens/early 20's.

Its difficult though isnt it? I only know that via hindsight.

Everyones different though. My life experiences arent necessarily the same as yours.

I'll be brutally honest here. I judge teen parents. I perceive them to be unmarried and a bit feckless and assume the pregnancy was unplanned but they just 'couldn't have an abortion.' I also assume they won't stay together, if they even are still together. I would also feel very unhappy if my DS became a parent in his teens. I appreciate all that sounds horribly harsh and judgy as hell and is probably far from the truth in a lot of cases, but it's what I think.

I was an 'older' mum at 34 due to not meeting DH until 29 and then having fertility problems. I wish I had had DS younger, possibly 27/28/29. By that point I had a good, stable career and had 'lived' a bit. It would have been the ideal time for me. Any younger and I wouldn't have felt I had achieved what I wanted to. But it obviously wasn't meant to be.

I think it's all good and well for people to say that they will do degrees etc after they have kids and I know there will be plenty of people, including on here, that will have managed that successfully, but kids are hard work and they are demanding and they are expensive and, personally, I don't think I would have had the capacity to study and gain a professional qualification after having DS, so fear that I would have ended up in a job that didn't fulfil me or stretch my potential.

If it's really what you want OP, go for it. Just think long and hard about all the pros and cons.

But to answer one of your earlier points, I don't believe anyone at 14/15 is financially stable enough to have a child and has in no way reached the maturity required. Kids having kids is just awful in my opinion.

@ragged Would you be willing to elaborate on this? I'm curious of your thoughts x

A few of my friends are in their 30s and can’t parent their kids so I don’t think it matters what age you are when you have children as long as your a good parent. I don’t care if a parent is 15 or 45 as long as they care, love and parent their child.

I guess it's just doing my life the other way around is all!

I always cheerily say this to people, but the reality is often very different. Very few teens are financially independent at 18 and once you have DC, they will always need their mum in some way or another.

Yes, they might be as financially savvy and sorted as their mum who had them as a teen herself. But also, they might not. They might not have the coping skills. They might have disabilities and/or mental health issues. Anything could happen.

So while theoretically, you'll be doing things in a different order and perhaps progressing your career or travelling later in life, there's also a chance that you won't be able to do any of that easily once you're responsible for other humans.

Also, it's worth remembering that a human's prefrontal cortex isn't fully developed until into their 20s, and I certainly feel that I didn't know who I was as a person at 19 (although I obviously felt I knew everything necessary at the time!). It can then be quite challenging to figure out who you are as an individual when your most pressing and all-consuming identity is "mum". I also think I would have been a far better parent to my DC had I had them ten years later, but thats based on my personal development and experience.

@maddiemookins16mum 19 is still technically counted as a teen pregnancy, though I agree I'm not sure if it should necessarily count. And hey, some 20 yr old Youtubers can probably financially out-smoke even middle aged people! (obviously I'm joking, and is not a reasonable example, but still does demonstrate that it's not impossible to be financially stable as a teen). x

@Sunshineandsparkle

In my honest opinion, I see it as a great shame. I remember how much I enjoyed my teens and especially early twenties. I enjoy parenthood now and I don’t mind the sacrifices of not having a social life and devoting myself and my time to my dc as I made the most of my years of freedom. I travelled, went out a lot, wasted money on frivolous things, lived and worked in a few different countries. I have so many happy memories as most of my income (I did save as well) could be spent on enjoying myself. Now we have a mortgage, bills, nursery fees etc. Whilst you may be mature for your age at 19 and want to settle down, there is so much out there for you to enjoy and discover and so many new people for you to meet. If you were to get pregnant by accident and not want a termination then I could totally understand. I do think it’s such a shame if you choose to have children at such a young age though. Many people will come on and say that they had children young and have no regrets/wouldn’t change anything and I do believe them. You love your children so much that you wouldn’t regret them... but I do think that you need to make the most out of the freedom you have when you’re young.

Exactly this.

Same as my opinion of any parents. Some great, some awful and a whole lot somewhere in between.

I also think it's funny that the element of friends plays into people's opinions a lot - not sure I have any!

How come you don't have friends, OP?

Honestly? I wouldnt have given up having my 20s to please myself for anything.

I've got friends who've now got grown up children who had them young, and no, you dont get those years back at the other end.

Your children will always need you no matter how old you are, and a 40 something cant always do or have the same experiences at a 20 yr old. That time is past - particularly if they also have kids young and expect you to step up as grandmother as happened to one friend who was roped into childcare while her daughter got her degree.

You do you though. You cant really miss what you dont have.

If its what you want go for it. I dint judge anyone except really aggressive, shouty mothers i sometimes see at playgroups. The best mother I've met had a baby at 16, then got her qualifications, good job, lovely partner, and had her other two babies at 35 and 37. And their brother could babysit! She did say it was super tough and she made loads of mistakes, but I think that was more because it wasn't planned. I don't think your plan is bad, as long as you understand how incredibly trapping motherhood can be. I regret being 42 and still sitting here breastfeeding, so there's no right answer.

@LonginesPrime I'm actually not reliant on my family, nor am I in contact with them - another controversial opinion on a possibly already controversial thread hahaha (though saying that, I'd also probably be really emotionally broken if my children weren't in contact with me because I was not a good parent. I'd be more angry at myself though). I understand that if you do things the other way around, there is a possibility that you may not be able to achieve everything - I guess I see it that if you do things the "typical" way, you may realise you have fertility issues / no stable relationship / a lot of debt etc etc in your thirties and still not be able to achieve what you want to (in that case motherhood).

I am listening though, and I can understand where you're coming from. It's good to hear all perspectives, particularly when they're firsthand. x

many of their friends would be off on their first job and university, going out and being spontaneous- you can't do that with a baby.

Yes you can but it's very difficult. I personally believe, whatever circumstances your in, if you want something badly enough you will be motivated to get it.

I had my first DC very young...younger than 19. Education was never been an issue with me. I have a Masters degree and I'm 26. But it's very difficult. I don't like partying- never did but the lack of spontaneity is what I miss.No way would I choose to have a baby at 19- and I wouldn't want that from my DC. But would I judge teen parents? Hello No. I was one myself.

However, I have come to realise that everyone's journey in life is different. Being childless at 20 below, further education, career progression, saving for a house etc. Is all well and good if you have that mindset. I met many older people who have quite chaotic lifestyles, have no career/ don't progress, don't have a house, suffer from mental illnesses and unable to keep a steady job.

Although as a teen parent, your odds are stacked up against you and hence, from a young age, you really have to be quite motivated to want to succeed. Also, the lack of freedom, spontaneous, jetting off to holidays like no other, will be reduced...

Personally, people tend to pity young parents and have pre-conceived ideas that they haven't amount to much.

I had my first at 19 and I will warn you it is the loneliest thing you will ever go through.

@LonginesPrime Sorry, just saw your other message! I don't have any friends as I have moved around the country, as well as my former friends not being positive influences - I definitely got sucked into the culture of youth (some of which is fun, some of which is pretty toxic) which meant I ended up hanging out with some people who I don't share core values with. I do think this has probably affected my perception of the fun parts of youth / freedom, I'll cop to that.

Now that I’m older I’m beginning to envy the girls the same age as me who are just having their first and it’s lovely and exciting and everyone is pleased for tnem. I never had that. I was thrown out of my house and it was something to be ashamed of. I’ll never recover from that even though we have a perfectly happy life now and everything is ‘forgotten’.

OP, I wouldn't say this if you were pregnant, but since it seems to be a theoretical thing you're planning: don't do it. Don't tie yourself to the guy you've been going out with since you were 14. If you've got good financial prospects for a 19 year old then don't throw that away - a few more years sticking at work and saving and you could be miles ahead. If you don't have good financial prospects then you will make it so much harder for yourself to ever change that. Could it all work out if you have a baby now? Absolutely. Are the odds in your favour? Absolutely not. I know you think that you're much wiser and older than the other girls your age but that really does reveal how much more maturing you have to do.

@buildingbridge

many of their friends would be off on their first job and university, going out and being spontaneous- you can't do that with a baby.

Yes you can but it's very difficult. I personally believe, whatever circumstances your in, if you want something badly enough you will be motivated to get it.

I had my first DC very young...younger than 19. Education was never been an issue with me. I have a Masters degree and I'm 26. But it's very difficult. I don't like partying- never did but the lack of spontaneity is what I miss.No way would I choose to have a baby at 19- and I wouldn't want that from my DC. But would I judge teen parents? Hello No. I was one myself.

However, I have come to realise that everyone's journey in life is different. Being childless at 20 below, further education, career progression, saving for a house etc. Is all well and good if you have that mindset. I met many older people who have quite chaotic lifestyles, have no career/ don't progress, don't have a house, suffer from mental illnesses and unable to keep a steady job.

Although as a teen parent, your odds are stacked up against you and hence, from a young age, you really have to be quite motivated to want to succeed. Also, the lack of freedom, spontaneous, jetting off to holidays like no other, will be reduced...

Personally, people tend to pity young parents and have pre-conceived ideas that they haven't amount to much.

@buildingbridge I mean I definitely have my flaws, but I'd say resilience is probably the biggest strength I have. I can usually push through any difficulties (though I won't make any assumptions on my ability to cope as a mother, as I know it's a very difficult if not the most difficult task). I guess I just don't want to resign myself to waiting for the things I really want, in order to seem more well-rounded or avoid judgement. I definitely admit that it may be naive to try and be very Superwoman about things, and want to "have it all" but I think I'd prefer my children to experience that hope & perserverance, rather than knowing that I did all the wild youth stuff just to relate to other people.

Anyway, phew sorry big tangent! Thank you for your opinion, as well as admitting your biases (definitely a difficult challenge tbh) without necessarily actively judging teen parents. x

I had had DS at 27 and I felt young then! All the ladies in my NCT class or those I met at baby groups were late 30s! You will probably feel awkward in that regard.

At 19 I thought I was very independent and could take whatever life threw at me. I think I was deluded. At 27 I was very financially secure, married a few years having been with DH since we were 20 and was very settled ... yet I still found becoming a parent the hardest emotional thing I've ever done! I would have struggled at 19 a lot.

FWIW... those early 20s years are bloody great! I know everyone says that, but there's a reason!