MIL booked a weekend away

[poppet85]

My mother in law has booked a weekend away for her birthday for the family. Though she's booked it a good 5 hour drive away from us on a weekend term time .
For the rest of the family is about a 2 hour drive so easy to go up after school and their children are all much older . We have a 5 year old and 3 year old so traveling long distances isn't excatly straight forward.
I don't drive so my husband has to do it all ,he thinks we should take our son out of school on the Friday to make it easier and gets very defensive if I say otherwise. It would also me taking time off work
I really don't want to ,he loves school and we put alot of time getting him there etc .
I just feel it's very unfair on us she could have picked a half way place to make it easier or around the holiday time . She didn't check with us she just booked it .
I feel pressure to take my son out of school even though we've been put in this situation

I'd leave Thursday night at bedtime. Put kids in PJs and explain what's happening. Let DH go in and get the beds ready and carry them through. Yes it will mean disturbed nights but it sounds like you have those anyway. Try to enjoy it or stay home and let DH go with the kids.

Would your mil help with childcare another time to make up for the day of leave you have used to attend? That may save one of you a day on a school closure day in the future.

I hate that this is considered a ‘wasted weekend’ (one poster’s words)

These are the weekends children remember. Will they have cousins there? Is it a nice place? Will there be new things to see? Will the grandparents Male an effort to play with them?

At my Mil’s funeral, my son told the congregation about how happy his memories were of enjoying being with her for a weekend here and there. Surely that’s worth it?

She used to come over and look after them sometimes for us too, even though they were 3.5!hrs away.

If you like her, do this for her.

Your DH’s parents are as important to your dc as your own parents are.

Surely if you take your child out of school (regardless of age) for a holiday (long weekend of otherwise) and the school catch wind of what you are doing, won't you get fined for it??

Ffs, a 5 hour drive is nothing and OP isn't the one doing it anyway. Rush hour is not as dramatic as people are making out and OP has said that if she were to set off at lunchtime she would be in Birmingham at rush hour.

That means she is either in Penzance or Glasgow with her destination as Birmingham.....or she's exaggerating to be difficult.

Sounds like you’re trying to create a problem in your family. You don’t HAVE to hate your MIL you know.

OP cannot drive so her H will need to do all the driving. All of them will need a break of some sort during the journey; driver fatigue is a real thing here and all of them will need food and toilet breaks (for the kids more than one such stop too). Its a lot of time, money and effort for what is really MILs planned birthday weekend.

Take the afternoon only off work and drive up after school. If they finish at 3.30, even allowing for a loo break you’ll be there by 9.30/10. Put kids in their pyjamas at the first service station stop. With a couple of age appropriate story tapes they will probably sleep most of the way.

If MIL had asked first would it have been different?
"Its my big birthday I have found a beautiful cottage which works for most of us but it is a bit further for you, i realise it's a big ask it would mean a lot to me if you come? I have looked at more central places but there is nothing that works as well as this location. The date is term time but i have picked weekend to minimise time off."

Would you really have said "no if you want us there do something else"

"driver fatigue is a real thing here" 😂😂 Jesus wept. They're not driving across Europe in a single day

Take your child out of school for the day and enjoy a lovely weekend away. Be grateful that you have the chance to go. Learn to drive.

@AttilaTheMeerkat agree the kids may need to stop for the toilet but it's quite easy to drive 5 hours without a stop as an adult.

If they go straight after breakfast or tea (to avoid rush hour) and take some snacks for the journey, they'll be fine for food until they arrive.

You’re modelling how to treat grandparents if you go with a positive attitude - hopefully you’ll be one yourself one day and your adult children will remember that you do make an effort for the ones you love at times like this.

Of course every Daughter in law on here would never dare to plan a birthday treat for themselves without their MILs approval! You would all be on here screaming that she was an interfering cow that always wants her own way. One day you may be a Mother in law. Karma

The main problem seems to be that your annual leave is reserved to cover the school holidays. On that basis, either your husband goes early without you (and you travel later) or you all travel together after work hours. YANBU to insist on this as childcare is very important and can be difficult to source. If your husband wants to travel early without you, he can choose whether or not to deal with taking the 5-year-old out of school early and all that it entails. Make sure you point out that taking the child out before afternoon registration will be marked as unauthorised absence.

Let DH take the DCs and follow them up by train after work. Used to do this a lot when ours were young and DH had considerably more leave than me. The fact that I missed out on child-wrangling for a painful five hour car journey to Devon and could sit and read my book on the train was an added bonus!

'hopefully you’ll be one yourself one day and your adult children will remember that you do make an effort '

Hopefully the op will be like most of us and use WhatsApp or similar to say to family 'I'm thinking of booking a weekend away for my birthday it will be at ... So let me know if you can make it I need to know for numbers'. It's just basic common sense when there's a 5 hour drive to attend the birthday party.

Just go and enjoy it. Sometimes we need to put ourselves out to do things for other people (and not just our children)

They are indeed not driving across Europe in a single day but there is a lot of driving to be done here regardless. Driver fatigue is a concern particularly as the driving here cannot be shared.

Research has found driving deteriorates after two hours of continuous driving, as you become less able to concentrate, and slower to react to hazards. The longer you drive, the more rest you need to recover driving performance. Fatigue is a major contributory factor in crashes in the UK, with too little sleep radically affecting driver attention, awareness, reaction time and ability to control the vehicle.

@GetOffYourHighHorse but she didn't need to know for numbers

FredaFrogspawn

No. You are modelling how to not simply jump when others snap their fingers- no matter the cost to you personally.

If I am ever a grandparent I hope I wouldn't be so self centred and unthinking to expect everyone to inconvenience themselves to such an extent.

In the MILs situation I would visit the OP and her family, stay in a local B&B and take my DS, OP and children for a family day out and meal nearby to celebrate.

Everyone saying “It’s a nice thing she’s done!” - well yes it is, but she shouldn’t have booked before discussion with the participants.

I have a big birthday in October and I asked my adult daughter and her fiancé about their availability to attend a weekend away at a proposed location a year in advance. They doesn’t have children but both have jobs with set annual leave, - loads In his case but standard in hers. I wouldn’t dream of booking anything without checking with the other adult participants: my children, aunt, friends, whoever.

"but it's quite easy to drive 5 hours without a stop as an adult"

Really? Lorry drivers have legislation regarding this matter, they have to stop regularly. As should car drivers too and particularly if they have young children in the back.

But I digress.

@speakout that depends how often she does it. A one off big birthday isn’t the same as snapping your fingers and expecting action.

If they genuinely can’t go then I agree, tough luck to granny. But if they can make this work then it could be a lovely weekend for all.

Maybe then make it clear that next time you may not be able to manage an event like this.

OP, the posters advising you that you're being 'precious' for not wanting to use up your precious annual leave or take your child out of school on a whim are being very unreasonable.

It is inconsiderate to book things on behalf of other people and fully expect that they will attend, without bothering to check with them first. That ship has sailed, though, and it's pointless chewing the fat over who has the moral high-ground here or otherwise. It's a waste of energy and will only end up making you resentful.

In the same situation I'd likely not go at all, but my patience threshold for these kinds of shenanigans is very low (and it would, of course, be very much dependent upon the quality of the in-law relationship in the first place). The best compromise would be the one suggested by a PP: to stick the kids in their PJs and take an evening drive. It does sound a lot of trouble and inconvenience, but it's better than the alternative.

I agree with your stance not to succumb to pressure to take your DC out of school. This really isn't setting a good precedent for the future.

Yes attilla lorry drivers have a break after 4.5 hours. Basically the same amount of time that the op is exaggerating about