MIL booked a weekend away

[poppet85]

My mother in law has booked a weekend away for her birthday for the family. Though she's booked it a good 5 hour drive away from us on a weekend term time .
For the rest of the family is about a 2 hour drive so easy to go up after school and their children are all much older . We have a 5 year old and 3 year old so traveling long distances isn't excatly straight forward.
I don't drive so my husband has to do it all ,he thinks we should take our son out of school on the Friday to make it easier and gets very defensive if I say otherwise. It would also me taking time off work
I really don't want to ,he loves school and we put alot of time getting him there etc .
I just feel it's very unfair on us she could have picked a half way place to make it easier or around the holiday time . She didn't check with us she just booked it .
I feel pressure to take my son out of school even though we've been put in this situation

I would not go and besides which you're going to suggest he does an evening drive. Presumably he is suggesting earlier because he does not want an evening drive (and will he be taking a day off too?).

How family friendly is the accommodation?. What has she booked for you as a family?. How "formal" is this occasion going to be?. I ask only as some milestone birthday celebrations I've attended can be long and drawn out dinners.

@Aderyn19 sounds like everyone but the OP wants to though. Including OPs husband who will be doing all the driving and wants to see his family.

Why do people insist on alienating their MILs?

My PILs did the same thing. Had to take ds out of school for 1 day in Year 1 and travel a long way with him and a toddler. I was cross at the time but quickly got over it - it was worth it for a lovely family celebration. They just didn’t get why a 6 year old couldn’t have one day off school for a one off occasion and tbh they were right!

Okay, I would be a bit annoyed having to do 10 hours of driving in one weekend and having to take annual leave for someone else's birthday. But it is a big birthday and not a regular occurrence, and I'd probably make the effort for my mil.

I would call in sick for ds on the Friday and leave early or straight after rush hour. Then travel back lunchtime on the Sunday.

As a one off I don't think it's that big a deal.

SilverOtter, I am afraid I am with you on this one, dim,selfish!! I had theis in reverse, oddly enough with my MIL, when we booked our Wedding, With 4 kids and 2 mortgages, we booked Gretna Green, wanted it special but very quiet, and not too expensive.MIL, (who hadnt seen DH for many years, after walking out on her small kids ) kicked off. Wanting invite, and inviting other relatives. Tried to book somewhere all family members could access, ended up changing both wedding and reception 3 times, loosing deposits each time. MIL, around an hours journey still not happy.I didnt feel I had to consuklt everyone and ask permission as to where we got married, frankly.People work shifts,have journies,kids,problems, you cannot please all the people all of the time, frankly

Or if you don't want to take annual leave, could DH take the kids up Friday morning and you join them later on, is there a train that goes there?

Why do people insist on alienating their MILs?

?? Why do some MILs insist on inconsiderate demands and the family panders and enables?

My MIL has never nor would ever ask anything so selfish as this.

Why do some MILs insist on inconsiderate demands

I don't see that MIL has demanded their attendance anywhere in OPs posts nor that MIL has a history of being unreasonable

It’s a big birthday, she’s paying for the weekend, your son is only five so can easily afford a day off school - unless you have a massive problem with DH’s family I don’t see what you are making such a fuss about. If you really don’t want to take a day off work then DH could go on his own with the kids. Also - why not learn to drive, then you can share the driving with him on any future journeys.

Wanting to do something doesn't mean it's a good idea to actually do it.
I wonder if he's considered that using a day of annual leave means there are fewer days available for school holidays. Will he be doing the majority of childcare when they arrive or will the OP because he's socialising with his family? He might be fabulous but equally he might be one of those people who does what they fancy and let's their dp deal with the fallout.
I wonder if he knew about the arrangement (as suggested by a pp) and deliberately didn't tell her, which would be concerning too.
I have done trips like this when my DC were tiny because my ils had big celebrations organised miles away - it was really hard work.

Skip school for the whole day, leave early doors on Friday morning (4am?), drive will be a piece of cake and you get a longer holiday.
The way back will be worse, but there is no avoiding that unless you skip another half day of work/school and overnight halfway on the Sunday

Taking an extra day of AL is a pain, especially with holidays to cover, but a) holiday clubs and b) you can take the time at unpaid parental leave, so this is only really a problem if finances mean that's tricky

You seem to be creating/exagerating excuses and problems, OP. You really seem to not want to go.
Taking a 5yo out of school for a day doesn't seem like the end of the world. Your DH is willing to drive, so just plan for the journey, a 5hr trip shouldn't stop you. Could you take the train? It's a big birthday, with all the family together - it would be important for most people to make the effort to attend, but none of us on MN know the background as to why you are doing your best to get out of it.

OP has said she likes MIL so that isn’t the problem.

She just doesn’t fancy at least a 5 hour car journey with 2 young children and having to take time off work, and would have preferred somewhere a bit closer to them. It also sounds as if there was no discussion about it with them.

I would like to think if I was organising something like this I would talk to all family members involved before booking, especially if it involves long journeys and time off school or work.

Why do people insist on alienating their MILs?

?? Why do some MILs insist on inconsiderate demands and the family panders and enables?

My MIL has never nor would ever ask anything so selfish as this

Blimey, it is a special birthday, maybe it's a place she has she always wanted to go for that birthday with her family around. There is nothing wrong with that at all. It doesn't make her 'thick' or 'nuts' and other negative adjectives that have been used to describe her.

Because she wants them to attend? If she’s a dim, selfish and inconsiderate enough not to consult them she can’t complain if they can’t go.
Maybe it's a cunning plan and she wants to enjoy her party without a sulky chops DIL ?🤷‍♀️

I don't see that MIL has demanded their attendance anywhere in OPs posts nor that MIL has a history of being unreasonable

I didn’t say she had demanded their attendance. The implicit demand is to take time off work and school, drive for hours, without being consulted first, which is unreasonable.

I love a family do, however there is no way I'd do a ten hour round trip for a birthday with 2 small DC in tow.

If family want their relatives to attend these things they should first check they are free, then check they are happy to drive 5 hours.

I couldn't imagine being so clueless as to book something knowing it would be such a long trail for some.

It's a shame the venue couldn't have been more central, but if you travel in the daytime on the Friday, the traffic should be fine, and then you can come back late Sunday afternoon - maybe put DC in pyjamas before you set off so you can just put them to bed as soon as you get home?

It's only one day off work/school, for what will hopefully be a nice weekend with family.

What time do you finish work?
I’d either
A) Be all packed up, ask to leave work early unpaid or to make it up another time and have your DH pick you up in time to scoop up DS from the school at chucking out time, - it’s pretty early isn’t it?
B) If your job doesn’t offer that kind of flexibility, have DH collect DS from school and feed him etc. and then scoop you up from work and be on your way.
It’s not ideal, but I too would have been reluctant to lose a day’s holiday to it when covering school holidays was always such a nightmare. Every day can be precious.

The key is to be packed up and not go back to the house and start faffing. You’ll need to break the journey and you can eat some crap then.
Did she really not consult before booking? You could have had other commitments.

@Aderyn19 you're being pretty persistent here.
I'm sure MIL will be happy to do some childcare in the summer holidays to cover the day that OP is taking off work

OP has already said she's going. Why are you trying to discourage her?

Blimey, it is a special birthday, maybe it's a place she has she always wanted to go for that birthday with her family around. There is nothing wrong with that at all.

Well if she wants her family around she’d better make sure they’re available first. If they’re not...tant pis.

If it's Friday you either need to leave first thing or after the rush hour has finished otherwise you'll spend hours in the car.

I'm not one for taking kids out if school but on this occasion I'd do it, take the day off yourself and relax. Take a steady drive up, stop off for lunch and enjoy it.

I didn’t say she had demanded their attendance. The implicit demand is to take time off work and school, drive for hours, without being consulted first, which is unreasonable.

Nope. There's an invitation for them to attend for the weekend. There's no demand to take time off work and school. Posters have suggested a range of options to OP and many of them include a full school/working day.

I can almost guarantee MIL mentioned something to DH as well that he's either forgotten about or neglected to mention to OP.

It's the thought of it OP, I know what you mean. A 5 hour drive to then drive 5 hours back just 2 days later.

However, I think you and your 5 year old taking a half day would probably be the best plan. That way you can leave in the afternoon and stop for dinner somewhere and still get there for about 8/9pm

@poppet85 could you travel over night would the kids sleep in the car ?
So do your normal Friday have dinner , bath kids put in pjs and then pop in car with blankets etc ? And then over night on the return trip too so you avoid traffic also x

Well your MIL can't please everybody and it seems like the majority of the guests live within 2 hours drive so it's just your family that has drawn the short straw. Maybe your MIL could have said something along the lines of " Sorry it's so far for you on a weekend but I do hope you'll all come...etc" Is part of your grievance that she didn't acknowledge the inconvenience for you?

I think as it's a big birthday you should make the effort to go and be gracious once you're there. If she's always doing things like this you've a right to be annoyed but if it's a one-off for her special birthday suck it up!