To feel the school day has taken over my life

[Kitkatcuppa]

Hi everyone. I think it's probably just everything changed at once. But I'm feeling abit meh about everything and feel abit stuck. I stopped working five years ago and had my first child. We live comfortably of my partner's wage and I'd be working to pay for childcare. Also we don't have family to help so I have nobody to have the kids for illness etc.

I have two kids now. 2 nearly and 4. The 4 year old started school in September. Her school is a mile walk and I don't drive. The walks not an issue and happy enough with the school but I feel like the week is just repetitive and boring and Sundays are ironing uniform and packing bags and preparing for Monday.

As soon as my child started school the weather changed. Obviously you expect it. But we went from going to the park twice a week, a trip to town, loads of walks and visiting family and friends to this.

6.15 I get up
7.00 the kids get up
Hour of rushing
8.05 we try and leave.
8.40 the gates open. I take her in and walk home for 9.10am

I usually have pots, washing etc to do. Never go to the parks now as it's muddy, freezing icy and the toddler has been in the pushchair on the school run for an hour and is now angry and wants to be warm. He won't wear a hat to make life harder lol.

If we are at home all day (which we are) it's all about housework and tidying. I don't get much time at all to play with my son as my partner's never home until 8pm and evenings are hell. I'm always chasing my tail to get stuff done only for the kids to make a mess (which I expect) then at 2.45 I leave again to go collect my daughter and get back in at 4.

I miss our old lives so much. I hate these depressing cold wet muddy days and not being able to take my son out. All my friends work or I see my best friend on the school run but she's busy. She goes jogging and into town as her one daughter is now at school. I just feel so lonely. My mum lives real close but she never comes to me and often will say she's ironing or something. I dunno it's abit rubbish. Roll on spring.

I can't even go into town because my son will cry after the school run because he wants to play 🤷🏼‍♀️

Go to the park a couple of days a week. Have some adult conversation and let your ds run around and play. Yes you’ll get distracted by him but it’s better than not going out.
Find out where the local playgroups are and see what’s going on at the library then spend the mornings doing something other than housework.

Do the pots and washing before you go to bed. Don’t leave chores for the morning that can be done. And I hope your dh is pulling his weight.

Learn to drive

Do stuff for yourself.

welcome to my life its even more fun at the moment with weaning.My other half gets up gives our youngest some milk at 6 at 6.30 i am up i chop fruit her breakfast.I then spend a hour watching her trying to encourage her to hold the fruit but it requires a lot of patience.

I usually do some stuff wile shes in her highchair like make lunch and other daughters breakfast.At half 7 clean and change baby into clean clothes,wash myself,get dressed maybe eat a breakfast bar.Thankfully eldest child can dress them selves and sort themselves out.By 8.20 out the door then dropped off school at 8.45 and back home 25mins later.

Its a day of juggling baby,house until school run again soon i will have this and my evening job when mat leave ends.So add after afternoon school run getting ready for work,going to work.Getting home at midnight sleeping it starts again at 6.30

Then the weekend grocery's and getting stuff i could not do during week done.This is life for many its dull its ever looping but every few months we manage family days out which is nice .

No point in replying as she said shes not coming back, but once school starts in one great big routine, like going to work, school/work, homework and clubs, dinner and bed.....

I agree that it's what you make it.

I'm a SAHM to a 14 month old and I'd lose my mind if I spent all day everyday doing housework. Remember everyone else is also dealing with it being winter right now, the park isn't the only activity that can be done with a small child.

What does your toddler do all day? DD doesn't really play by herself and follows me everywhere so I can barely get any housework done.

I've also got a three day a week job lined up starting at the end of Jan. I'll barely make any profit but I need it, for my mental health, keep my CV active and up to date, my pension etc.

School runs are awful in poor weather. I have a 3 year old in school nursery and a nearly 5 month old. DH is doing the nursery run this morning as it’s pissing it down with rain and high winds. Normally it would just be me doing it and back again for 12 but DH is off to come to a hospital appointment for the baby this morning.

If I stayed in the house all day with a 2 year old my house would be a state and I would be lossing the plot. I manage to get a couple of morning a week with the baby between 9 drop off and 12 pick up. When the baby is older we will start to go to more baby/toddler groups.

30 mins is a long time to walk a mile with someone in the buggy. Is he wrapped up warm enough? Why don’t you get him to walk/run/scoot the way back?

My 3 year wears a school uniform, I don’t iron it as I don’t iron. But if you are an person who irons surely you would have been ironing children’s clothes any way. I can’t imagine it would take more than 30 mins to iron children’s uniform.

And what are you packing in the bag? DD has a spare outfit in there so that just stays the same, hat for outdoor play as she has a helmet on as she usually scoots to nursery (much quicker then waking) and I wash and refill her water bottle every night - it takes a couple of minutes.

Use toddler’s nap time to blast the house. Look at organised Mum method and prepare dinner.

I definitely not a super mum but it sounds like you are making things more complicated then they are.

your child is in reception, WTF you need ironed uniform??
mine even goes in with a paint splattered pinafore...

if your toddler cries all the time maybe get him out of the pram and let him walk, entertain him, at 2 mine were walking or scooting...

and bloody hell, how much housework is there??

You have five hours at home every day. You don't need to clean all the time. You know you put that bit about your mum and the ironing? Well maybe that's where you have got it from.
I think you need to force yourself to go out a couple of times a week. Doesn't just have to be the park. Invite a friend round, go to a baby group, go out for a coffee, wander round the shops. You'll feel better for it.

I remember those days. It was often dull, lonely and monotonous. I have an empty nest now and I would give anything to go back in time and live it all over again.

I agree with PP saying sod the housework. Prioritise cuddles, stories and having fun. You can have a super tidy house when they leave home. My once messy home is immaculate now but it doesn’t make me as happy as being the centre of DCs world did.

You sound depressed - is it SAD? I find St Johns Wort very good for lifting my mood from October to March.

Well, that's motherhood. Some of us do that for over 10 years.
Don't think it gets easier as they get older either, as clubs take over then!
Best learn to drive.

With kids of that age it's tough whatever your setup. I've always worked FT and been frustrated at the lack of time I get with them, so there's never a perfect balance.

In a couple of years time when they are involved in more out of school activities, etc and are generally less dependent on you, you'll feel much less of the daily grind

Take your toddler to the park for a run around,go swimming with him ,libraries have singing and rhyme sessions for little kids and storytime as they get a bit older.
Stop ironing, it's only excusable in summer with floaty cotton items.
Buy a big toy box for you sitting room,only allow toys in there or bedrooms.Throw everything into the box at the end of the day.
Wash up before you go to bed(I don't either but it's a pain to get up to).
Find something for you as you sound flat and dejected which is why you will take non of this advice.

Learn to drive.

Why do you not let your 2yo walk some of the way back? They'll get warm that way.

Driving lessons don't cost £100 per month...
Assuming you didn't have your first child at 17 there is no excuse not to be able to drive
Farkin hell. There are some right... so and sos out there aren't there? What kind of person, on a site called MUMSNET puts the boot in like that when someone posts feeling blue and down??
Yes, driving lessons, 1 a week (which isn't really enough) DO cost about a hundred quid a month.
No, not everyone's parents could afford to give them driving lessons at 17. Not everyone can afford to run a car.Yes, to another poster, some people will struggle to find 25 spare quid a week. Let's make them feel like utter fucking failures, shall we?
No, there really really aren't any 10-2 jobs, or if there are, they are very very rare.
Some places don't have a lot of childcare options. Not everyone wants to go back to work with a 2 year old yet. And that's fine.
And spare me the "I do that AND work." No. You don't. And even if you did is it a competition to see who is the most put upon? And I say that as a lone parent who worked. So I win.Haha.

I agree that you are probably getting a bit hung up on housework OP, and sometimes that can be because you spend so long in the house that you see every bit of muck! Is your OH no help when it comes to picking up stuff? Could he work a bit more flexibly so it would be easier when you do go back to work?
I do think you should get out more, and do go to meet friends. The toddlers can run round together as long as they are well wrapped up.
When mine was tiny I was brassic, with no car and I do remember the Groundhog Day-like tedium sometimes, trudging to the park in all weathers. I did work too and actually found that dc enjoyed nursery mostly, but it can be hard to find one you like sometimes. Childcare is a shared family cost, not just out of your wages.
Chin up, learn to play and not worry about mess too much. Believe it or not you will miss these days when they are stroppy teens!

Do housework when children are in bed. That's what we do and it's much easier.

We also bought enough school uniform to last a week so just do a load of kids washing at the weekend.

Go to the library - they usually have free activity sessions for toddlers, plus you can borrow some books to take home.

Can I just share with you the other side of the coin.

31.. Unmarried, 8 year relationship, no kids. Want both imminently. Work full time with disposable income.

Your life sounds idyllic to me and I'm sure mine does to you. The grass is always greener.

Dont worry about making a mess for now, enjoy them while they are young. As for work... you can do that till your 67 your kids wont be that small for long!

Get the 2 y.o. a mini micro scooter, balance bike and/or buggy board? You can get clip things that will clip a scooter to a buggy and you can get a tow cord that means you can tow a tired child on a scooter. Accept the coffee mornings and buy the 2 y.o a croissant and bring paper and crayons? Find an activity near the school too. Is there a school nursery? Put his name down if so. Is there anything else on your 1m commute you could stop at? A library or leisure centre? Why do you need to get up so much earlier or is that “you” time for a quiet cup of tea? A friend of mine lays breakfast stuff out the night before other than the milk which helps her. And life is too short for ironing reception age school shirts! - invest in non iron ones!!

Is there a reason you're not working?

Presumably, because she and her partner decided that they preferred one of them to be a SAHP? You know that's allowed, don't you?

OP, I wasn't a SAHM so I don't really have experience of what you're struggling with but my suggestions would be to get out as much as you can. Wrap up warm and walk where you can. Go to groups, meet friends etc. Worry less about the mess and the housework, your house doesn't have to be perfect as long as it's clean and reasonably tidy - which won't take all day. Enjoy the time now!

And don't be made to feel guilty about being a SAHM, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, you just need to make it work for you. You always get some posters who just love to make you feel shit about whatever choices you make and it's such a dickish thing to do.

You need to get to know some of the other mums at school.

I got to know the other SAHMs at my son's school and once a week we would go for a coffee or a walk after the school drop off. There are bound to be other mothers with younger kids. It breaks up the monotony and helps build a support network. I live abroad from my family and DH's too and we have built up a network of about 20 families over the past 5 years. We help each other out, lift-share, do activities together and generally support each other.

I now work PT as do 2 other mums and we do childcare for each other. The kids have more fun, I see more adults and childcare is not a problem.

Have you considered home educating ? With a 2 and 4 year old it would work well as in a couple of years they could do same activities and you tailor certain bits to their age

My childminder did the school run and fed my children when I was at work.
Yes being a sahm can be crazy making, but don’t refuse invitations to the park, wouldn’t they work for you and your son?
Soft play dates
Learn to drive
Workout dvds while ds watches iPad with headphones
Veg out on Mumsnet while son watches iPad.
Craft stuff with ds.
Don’t iron school uniform ( I never did).
My favourite thing to save my sanity in the mornings was to promise a 5 minute dance if we were ready by 8.15. It gave a non nagging goal, we all got to listen to some great music and have a dance before school, it lifted everyone’s mood and made getting out of the house much easier. Our tune of choice was usually Wonderwall!

I remember it can feel overwhelming, but if you can get out and about in the summer while still doing the housework, you can do that in the winter too.
My kids are the same gap as yours and I started Family 10 min Tidy when eldest started to school, even the 2 year old can help.
Give each child a basket and go to the living room , putting everything that belongs elsewhere into the baskets. Then all the toys back into the toy box. Then you all go to the next room and replace all the stuff that’s been in the living room , etc. All stay together so you can round them up. When it’s done, sit down together fire a drink and biscuit.
We did this after school and before bed, it made my house and life less chaotic.

Where is the OP supposed to find time for a weekly driving lesson?

And yes, they definitely cost £100 a month when I learned to drive and I highly doubt the cost has gone down. I also didn't realise we all had a civic duty to learn to drive as soon as we legally could.

Sounds like the cleaning is taking up a lot of your mental space. I was the same, in the back of my head would be constantly churning a to-do list, I’d be anxious about the cleaning and would prioritise it over everything. We solved it by getting a cleaner, house wasn’t any better but it meant I could let go as I knew it had been done that week. That doesn’t sound like an option for you but you need to find a way to do similar.... let go of it mentally, do the minimum.

Sounds also like you are the kind of SAHM who needs a bit of structure and some activities. Is a paid class once a week an option? Is there anything near the school you can go to straight from drop off? A pool to go swimming nearby? What were you doing this time last year with your day, tap back in to that network. Hoop is a good app for nearby activities.

My days off now (I work PT) are very structured with lots of activities for my 3yo, otherwise I go mad.

Totally agree with @IfNot. Kind and balanced comments.