To feel the school day has taken over my life

[Kitkatcuppa]

Hi everyone. I think it's probably just everything changed at once. But I'm feeling abit meh about everything and feel abit stuck. I stopped working five years ago and had my first child. We live comfortably of my partner's wage and I'd be working to pay for childcare. Also we don't have family to help so I have nobody to have the kids for illness etc.

I have two kids now. 2 nearly and 4. The 4 year old started school in September. Her school is a mile walk and I don't drive. The walks not an issue and happy enough with the school but I feel like the week is just repetitive and boring and Sundays are ironing uniform and packing bags and preparing for Monday.

As soon as my child started school the weather changed. Obviously you expect it. But we went from going to the park twice a week, a trip to town, loads of walks and visiting family and friends to this.

6.15 I get up
7.00 the kids get up
Hour of rushing
8.05 we try and leave.
8.40 the gates open. I take her in and walk home for 9.10am

I usually have pots, washing etc to do. Never go to the parks now as it's muddy, freezing icy and the toddler has been in the pushchair on the school run for an hour and is now angry and wants to be warm. He won't wear a hat to make life harder lol.

If we are at home all day (which we are) it's all about housework and tidying. I don't get much time at all to play with my son as my partner's never home until 8pm and evenings are hell. I'm always chasing my tail to get stuff done only for the kids to make a mess (which I expect) then at 2.45 I leave again to go collect my daughter and get back in at 4.

I miss our old lives so much. I hate these depressing cold wet muddy days and not being able to take my son out. All my friends work or I see my best friend on the school run but she's busy. She goes jogging and into town as her one daughter is now at school. I just feel so lonely. My mum lives real close but she never comes to me and often will say she's ironing or something. I dunno it's abit rubbish. Roll on spring.

I can't even go into town because my son will cry after the school run because he wants to play 🤷🏼‍♀️

Im a working mum and i am not impressed with the ' and working as well' comments popping up.. how are you all silmultaneously looking after your 2 year old in your own home whilst it makes a mess, needs feeding, settling for naps and doing both school runs, doing the afterschool care and working? Maybe you just work evening and weekends. In which case hats of to you - that must be exhausting!. But i know the days i worked the house wasnt trashed whilst my toddler did his crafts at nursery rather than with me. I didnt have to settle him for a nap, make his snacks etc. And its all very well saying its not just her cost its a joint cost. You jave no idea how much childcare is available, what the waiting lists is and so on and not every family can say it we are £9 worse off a day if we both work but think of the long term. Its no good if you cant afford food today. (thats how much worse off we were when we both worked properly and had nursery mixed with family care)
Anyway OP the winters with toddlers and school runs are tough but it will get easier in the summer term. Hopefully you daughter will get playdates so you get a bit longer some days and your son will get easier to manage.

I love not working much and wouldn't rush back if you don't have to. You read it on here and it sounds awful and I know a lot of those mums don't have a choice and I feel sorry for them. (I know some choose it and just want tips on managing it rather than want to give it up.)
Like others, I think you should learn to drive. It doesn't have to be lessons. Could your husband teach you? If not, what about a pushbike with the the child carrier thing on the back?

Don't iron though. I've not ironed in years. I hang it on the line or airer to dry. Also, don't buy clothes that need ironing.

Also ironing a some uniform and packing a school bag does not take a full Sunday, it's a half an hour job max.

Yes it's all tedious and boring but basically everyone has to do it, and they do it and work.

and I have just read you update and I can tell you I absolutely do not resent working 😂 no way on Earth would I have ever been a sahm - I'm a professional and have worked my arse off to get where I am work wise. You absolutely do not have to stay at home to do the school run - all of the women that you see dropping kids off dressed for work or that you don't see because they use the before and after clubs should be a clue to you. It's an excuse because you don't want to work.

I have lost all sympathy for you now that you have smugly said that.

My neighbours have one of these www.babboe.co.uk/cargo-bikes/curve-electric it’s electric so hills aren’t an issue 😊

I can’t speak for others, but from my perspective I certainly don’t feel like I’m kicking the OP when she is down or that I’m ‘funny about SAHMs’.

I agree motherhood is isolating. I’m in my forties with older children and just feel like giving the benefit of my experience and what I have seen happen with friends and acquaintances down the years when this type of post pops up on MN (which is common).

Not working and taking on all the mental and physical load of childcare and housework etc can seem logical and practical when your children are little. But the OP is already finding it difficult and constraining.

Fast forward down the years. Reduced career prospects, financially dependant on her partner, a pattern well and truly embedded in that she will take care of all the child-related stuff....

I think it’s only right to point that out.

Think the problem is that your toddler is also bored. He needs to go to the park, playgroup, on the bus into town, playing with you at home. Then you need to organise your chores and his naps around that otherwise you will find yourself increasingly organising your day around his tantrums. If he doesn't like the cold he needs more layers on.

Ignore all the people saying go back to work...

@Grasspigeons I've done both. I've worked stupidly anti-social hours full time with 2 young kids, I did have a childminder for 1 morning a week and 1 school drop off and a MIL would collect them only around once a month at most. I did all of the housework, organisation, the lot. And I know others that have done.

And I'm now a sahp through choice.

OP is feeling down and being a sahp isn't good for everyone, it can get lonely. Pps have tried to give her advice and she's had reason after reason why nothing will work. That's frustrating at best

Get a bike and a toddler seat - or even better one of those carriage thingies for both the kids. Your life will absolutely change if you can whizz round on this rather than having to walk everywhere. I hate the pram- so slow and cumbersome. Plus my daughter wants to jump out all the time.
I usually whizz around on my bike. She gets from A to B quicker and we have more time for the park, for coffees etc.
From what you've explained about your situation, it would be a good investment.

Learning to drive would change your life, and it’s an important life skill.

"Ignore all the people saying go back to work..."

Why? That's actually terrible advice. OP is feeling down, isolated, lonely. She's not married so has no security in that sense and hasn't enjoyed being a SAHP for 3 months. As a family they don't have £25 a week spare at the moment. But yeah, ignore all the people suggesting work might just fix all of those things

God this place really had gone to the dogs. Op it sounds like you are struggling ba bit with the transition to the school day. It is much nicer before that when you can do what you want with your time . The school run is pretty awful. If ouldny stands the relentlessness of it and I only did it 3 times a week. She did the other two days . I particularly disliked it when I was at home. for the day and not at work as it felt really restrictive to my day at home and I only have one child!!

It will get easier. Winter is pretty awful with small children. I would really suggest getting out more though and getting some really warm and water proof clothing for your toddler however. He will be happy to stay out much longer if he is warm enough.

Good.luck op

DH did the other two days!!

ivy that's a 2k bike. I'm sure if the op had money to burn she'd have fewer problems and wouldn't have posted.

I never understand people who think they can't possibly take their children out when it's cold and muddy. I take my 5 year old to junior parkrun on Sunday mornings on a muddy field by the sea!

I’m a bit confused why you feel you cannot do anything during the school day. I was in a similar situation when my eldest started school, and I used to take my little one to the park, to the shops, to playgroups etc regardless. You say your best friends goes into town - why can’t you? Or pick up a second hand running buggy and go jogging with your son. Even if your son won’t wear a hat, just put an extra layer on him and he’ll be fine.

My youngest is still a pre-schooler (just), and this week, we’ll do a swimming/ soft play trip in the train, visit a garden centre to look at the decorations, go to the village toddler group, meet a friend with a pre-schooler. We’ll probably also bake, play some simple board games, read books, and get the Playmobil out at home. Other weeks we go to local NT gardens, into town, local parks etc.

I do find the housework a bit monotonous, but so tend to give myself an hour after the morning school run to do as much as I can, then perhaps do more after bedtime if it’s needed.

Maybe make yourself a bit of a plan for each week. Having things pre-planned really helps me.

Are you doing everything that can be done the night before? I personally would not be getting up at 6.15 if I didn't have to leave until after 8, but maybe you like the time to yourself in the morning?

A mile's walk is a perfectly normal distance to walk - in our house no one would dream of getting the car out to do this. Can your toddler not walk /scoot/trike back after you've dropped your oldest off? Might keep them a bit warmer. There must be other parents at school with toddlers - what do they do all day? Can you arrange to meet up?

I'm a bit puzzled why you've loved being a SAHM up till now and are now blaming the change in weather - what did you do last winter and the one before that? Why can't you do the same things now?

Agree with others that you don't need to tidy all day. Get your children into the habit of tidying up at lunch time, tea time and before bed. Run the hoover round and wipe down the kitchen surfaces when they ar e tidying before bedtime.

Oh, and if you don’t already have them, invest a couple of really good waterproof suits and wellies for your little one. That way he can get muddy and you simply rinse and hang-up when you come home.

Try and find a playground near your daughters school or a playgroup that you can go to with your son before or after school drop off / pick up ? Even if you need to kill a bit of time having a coffee somewhere . Have a look on google earth ...a few playgrounds here aren’t visible from the road .

I’m a SAHM of older primary school kids - I remember this stage well and it was tough ... if it’s getting you down though you need to try and change it ... I have to be honest though ...I fit the housework and chores round the toddler not the other way round . You are lucky enough to have this time with your children - it’s one of the best times too , make sure you make some memories .

You see it's situations like this that I don't understand why people are so dismissive about wages paying for childcare. For me those earlier years were to be endured, not enjoyed, so what if you have little to financially show after a couple days working outside the house? If it's good for your sanity and takes a bit of the repetitiveness out of life it's worth it in my opinion.

Hey OP, I can see where you're coming from. It's hard and it feels relentless with tidying up. But you need to try do less of that in the day if you can and spend more time playing etc. For example I now try do my washing over two days so it's done for the week and I don't have to worry about it.

I would def go for coffee after school run, I know DS won't wear a hat at the park but if he's running around at the park he'll be fine. In the nicest way possible you sound a tad tense about it all and just need to relax and not overthink it. He will start pre school soon enough and then you can dedicate time to tidying.

I work by the way but have two little kids. I had to go back at 4 months after my second as DH job was very shaky. I really wish I could have had stayed at home for a couple of years, so please try enjoy it!

Has OP flounced off as not getting any sympathy??

Driving lessons don't cost £100 per month...
Assuming you didn't have your first child at 17 there is no excuse not to be able to drive especially since you said you are financially comfortable on one salary then you would have been even more so when you were working

Unfortunately you've contributed to your own isolation

The weather will get better - it's not like this all year round

OP you sound really flat and down.

Totally get the trapped feeling of having your day bookended by school runs and the time in between feeling like the clock is just running down before you have to do it all over again.

I don’t know where you live, but is there anywhere near the school you could go with your toddler immediately after school drop off? Soft play, coffee, play park, play group, nick back shop... literally anything... twice a week say, to break up the monotony?

And then a couple of days a week when you do an activity at home with your little one? Baking on Tuesdays, painting on Thursdays for example?

And then confine housework to two days only?

Without a routine of other activities, it is so damned easy to have your entire life taken over by chores.