DH meltdown with DCs - how do I handle this?

[StellaRae]

Long-ish sorry, but I'd really like your thoughts on how to handle this.

I'm getting over a virus, so DH took DCs (9 and 7) out to a theme park on Saturday so I'd get a chance to relax. It was a fairly long day out for them and in hot weather.

Bit of context:

DCs can be challenging, especially together. DC7 rarely listens and he's not very road safety aware (which we are working on) and has tricky love/hate relationship with DH at the moment. DCs can both be rude, stroppy and argumentative. They do have positive qualities too (!), just trying to explain how they can push buttons,

DH has a very short fuse, is very strict on manners/behaviour and thinks I'm too soft on DCs (which I probably am, this is probably to counterbalance his strictness).

Anyway, I heard them come home and was really looking forward to seeing them. The next thing I hear is DH absolutely ROARING at them like a madman and both DCs sobbing hysterically.

The gist - according to DH was - DC7 wouldn't hold DHs hand and ran out into the road and was narrowly missed by a motorbike, DCs were both moany and rude all afternoon, fighting with each other, wouldn't listen etc.

DCs said DH yanked DC7 roughly, screamed at him in the street called him "dumbo" and "stupid". DC9 was sobbing saying "he's only 7, don't treat my brother like that" - unlike her to stand up for him.

I was basically confronted with hysterically sobbing children and an absolutely livid DH. I went into immediate protective mother mode hugging both kids, shouting at DH to calm down and get out of the room etc. I went absolutely nuts at DH and was freaked out by a pretty distressing scene. I accused him of being abusive towards DCs and "stinking of alcohol" (he'd had a few beers at theme park apparently).

DC9 was clinging to me and sobbing about calling Childline (to put this is context, she threatens to call Childline when she gets told to tidy her room, go to bed etc). She also wanted to call her grandparents and kept saying she hated DH.

To cut a long story short, everything calmed down after 30 mins and by bedtime the kids were chatting to DH calmly and wanting goodnight hugs etc. DCs apologised for not listening and misbehaving while out but also asked him to apologise for being so mean - pretty mature response all in all.

I'm still absolutely raging at DH. His reaction was out of order IMO. Now I get that he would have been shaken after road crossing incident and he was worn out after day with bickering DCs, but I think his blind fury was completely unacceptable.

He says I'm sticking up for the DCs and wasn't there to witness their behaviour. My point is that my anger is not directed at their misbehaviour but at his disproportionate response.

How do I handle this?

I totally get the overreaction with regard to running out into the road. He could have been killed. My DS1 (aged 3) slipped away from me and ran out into a road when there was a van coming. I totally lost it with him and anyone seeing me would have thought I was an abusive witch of a mother. However, when we got home and calmed down I talked to him about it as best I could (as he was only 3) and said sorry for shouting, mummy shouldn't have done that etc. Your DH is not setting a good example, if he loses it and rages frequently, how can he expect the kids to behave sensibly?? We all have bad days when the kids push our buttons and we'd like to just go back to bed and start again, but it sounds like this is more than a one-off?

I'd expect a 7 and a 9 year old to know how to behave. Getting them to moderate their emotions might be a bit tougher but I'd expect semi decent behaviour.

I'm concerned about the fact that you say he had a few drinks at the theme park while out on a fun day out with the kids. Is that normal for him?

How did he travel there and back?

I to be fair would have yelled in fright at my kid nearly being knocked down. That would have been a massive fright and left me a wreck. It's my worst nightmare.

Do you both often argue about how you deal with behaviour in front of the kids? Kids are very good at divide and conquer. I do my best to back up my husband. I understand that daddy was shouting at you and that you must have been frightened, however daddy got a fright and thought you might get seriously hurt. You need to listen when you are out and then discuss the rules of the road.

Husband needs to address his short fuse as well. Yelling and screaming isn't necessary.

My first concern would also be the potential drink driving (although for all I know they might have gone by train).

Beyond that, I think it depends on how DH usually is with the DC. If the raging fury was a one-off because he was shocked and terrified at the near miss, I'd let him off. If it's an ongoing issue, I'd address it. My own dad used to absolutely RAGE at us on a regular basis for the slightest misdemeanour and it's massively effected my self esteem. I see him but it still affects my relationship with him and we're not close. My DC will never stay at their house alone as I don't trust him not to do it to them. I also blame my mum (to a lesser extent) for not either addressing it at the time, or leaving him. I genuinely think she should have done, he could be vile to us.

Good luck OP, I do understand it's a difficult situation to deal with.

Did he drink drive?

Thanks for your replies. Really helpful to get other perspectives.

I should have clarified - they travelled by train, so no drink-driving issues.

I'm erring on the side of DH being shaken by near-miss and exhausted by bickering. BUT, the short fuse does need to be addressed and I'm genuinely concerned about how this may impact DCs in terms of self-esteem and their relationship (particularly our son's) with DH. Thanks for highlighting this ladybird

You reap what you sow!

I think as mothers we know the kids will be over excited, over stimulated and worn out by an exciting day out - and tend to switch off with the bickering (which is actually a good way to learn about relationships)

Yes he had a shock with the road incident but it seems he can’t moderate his standards for different situations - I know my DH sometimes found it hard to lower his when out and about

DH is the adult and should’ve given some leeway

On another note, maybe he bit off more than he could chew?
I could never take dc to a theme park by myself. If dh is unwell, unless there is something unavoidable, I would take them to the local park or cafe - somewhere tried and tested and where we can get home from quickly if patience runs out.

But yes, agree he needs to tune out and tone it down.

He probably had the fright of his life, Surely most people would have gone a bit mental at a seven year old doing that? And then the children running to you sobbing, while you have a go at their dad in front of them is not actually helping the situation. You undermined him and their relationship even if he does have a short fuse, thats between you and him to discuss away from the children.

I went absolutely nuts at DH and was freaked out by a pretty distressing scene. I accused him of being abusive towards DCs and "stinking of alcohol" (he'd had a few beers at theme park apparently).

Did you do this in the presence of your hysterical children??

Tbh it sounds like there were 4 people hysterical there.

The reaction to the road was very justified. If the kid wants to get himself squashed, that's fine. But he could have caused an accident. That biker could have been killed. What would you have said to their family ?

All sounds like everyone over reacted, and it sounds a shame that a nice day out was ruined.

I'd cut DH some slack for reacting like that, it was probably more adrenaline than anything else but I wouldn't be happy he was drinking when he had the DC with him.

Perhaps have a quiet talk now it's all calmed down?

Yes, I agree that we were probably all hysterical at that point.

And, yes, that is how I reacted to DH in front of the kids - not proud of it. I waded straight in when I saw my kids so distressed and being screamed at. I should have taken a step back and tried to figure out what was going on, but rightly or wrongly wanted to calm the kids down.

Agree skint re potential accident. And I can see how this would have triggered DH's reaction.

Reaction to running in the road fine I think, I will terrify my daughter if necessary to keep her safe on roads. There’s 2 things which bring out furious mummy - wriggling out of car seats and misbehaving on roads. Calling him names not ok, but could put it down to shock if it’s unusual for him.

I think you could have probably backed him up with regard to a seven year old running on the road. However, you know if this is indicative of a wider issue.

I'm guessing he got the bloody fright of his life and reacted with pure adrenaline and fear. Not ideal but perhaps a good scare might make DC think twice about messing about near roads and not listening?

It sounds like a pretty horrific day out to be in charge of tbh.

I totally agree it sounds like he lost his temper etc But panic, long day, bad behaviour - I think many of us would have lost it a bit.

However - your response was also terrible, shouting and accusing him of all sorts.

To be honest your behaviour was just as bad for the children as his!

I actually find your response a bit less understandable, as you hadn't been stressed out with a difficult day with the children and snapped In that situation with DH shouting and children sobbing, my first reaction would have been to try to calm everyone down, separate them, give everyone some space - not jump in there screaming and shouting too.

I'd have laughed at them if they asked me to apologise for being mean. Really really laughed.

Damn right they should be crying and scared. They acted like absolute morons.
They want to get themselves killed by running out onto the road fine.
They accept the consequences.

What would've happened if the bike swerved , crashed and the completely innocent driver was killed?

Would they be crying then?! Would they face the family?!

They don't want someone losing their shit at them then they act right.
They are not 2 years old. They damn well know what is right and wrong and if they can't do that then they need a leash to protect the public from them.

As PP have said, I think his reaction seemed proportionate to what happened. The kids do sound a little old to be acting that way.
It sounds like you have a discipline issue.

Also agree with above that you should have backed your husband up and calmed the situation then spoken to him alone.
The kids need a united front.

Was going to say about drink driving but the train so no probs there.

The 9 year old threatening to call childline! It sounds as though they don't respect your husband much. Do you regularly undermine him?

I totally get the too strict thing though as I'm currently trying to negotiate this parenting hurdle with DH. It's tough.

Also I'd be telling you some home truths Op of you came at me for bollocking my children for running out into the road.

You don't calm down highly strung kids by screaming that their Dad is abusive and drunk.

You just ramped it up more. Now the kids will have more material to use when they threaten to call Childline.

I would probably have snapped "That's enough!" but would have said it to everyone, not just him. You can't get a story out of people who are roaring and crying. You have to turn off the drama tap first. And you just opened it up further.

I don't think anyone covered themselves in glory here. Everyone in this family is far too shouty.

your children sound very manipulative. I bet they love the extra cuddles they get from you when they goad their dad all day into finally telling them off when they run into a fucking MOTORBIKE and then act all poor me.

In your DH’s defence - you weren’t at the theme park. You didn’t have what was supposed to be a nice day ruined by horrible whingey kids (moany and rude, fighting and not listening, in your words).

Nearly getting run over by a motorbike must have been the last straw. Damn right I would have lost my shit too.

Really helpful to get your views, thanks.
Totally accept that my reaction was wrong.
We definitely need to discuss calmly and acknowledge mistakes all round - kids, DH and I.
And DH and I need to separately discuss our approach to discipline.

DH has a very short fuse, is very strict on manners/behaviour and thinks I'm too soft on DCs (which I probably am, this is probably to counterbalance his strictness).
A £ says this inconsistency isn't helping their behaviour. DH puts rules in place, they don't like it & act up for him, you let them get away with it, you're the good guy. Their behaviour gets worse. If you back him up (and if necessary have a quiet word after) they'll quickly learn to behave because they'll get nowhere with either of you and consequently DH won't feel the need to be so strict as it won't be needed. You're doing no-one any favours,

Completely agree with @FriarTuck
Your discussion can not involve you telling him to be less strict. Your children are dangerous. They could've been hurt or hurt the driver!!

You need to realise that you need to be the one to up your game. That there is a hard line and they follow it or there are strict consequences.
Maybe then he'll be able to relax and actually enjoy not being made out to be the villain when he wants to try and raise decent people.