DH meltdown with DCs - how do I handle this?

[StellaRae]

Long-ish sorry, but I'd really like your thoughts on how to handle this.

I'm getting over a virus, so DH took DCs (9 and 7) out to a theme park on Saturday so I'd get a chance to relax. It was a fairly long day out for them and in hot weather.

Bit of context:

DCs can be challenging, especially together. DC7 rarely listens and he's not very road safety aware (which we are working on) and has tricky love/hate relationship with DH at the moment. DCs can both be rude, stroppy and argumentative. They do have positive qualities too (!), just trying to explain how they can push buttons,

DH has a very short fuse, is very strict on manners/behaviour and thinks I'm too soft on DCs (which I probably am, this is probably to counterbalance his strictness).

Anyway, I heard them come home and was really looking forward to seeing them. The next thing I hear is DH absolutely ROARING at them like a madman and both DCs sobbing hysterically.

The gist - according to DH was - DC7 wouldn't hold DHs hand and ran out into the road and was narrowly missed by a motorbike, DCs were both moany and rude all afternoon, fighting with each other, wouldn't listen etc.

DCs said DH yanked DC7 roughly, screamed at him in the street called him "dumbo" and "stupid". DC9 was sobbing saying "he's only 7, don't treat my brother like that" - unlike her to stand up for him.

I was basically confronted with hysterically sobbing children and an absolutely livid DH. I went into immediate protective mother mode hugging both kids, shouting at DH to calm down and get out of the room etc. I went absolutely nuts at DH and was freaked out by a pretty distressing scene. I accused him of being abusive towards DCs and "stinking of alcohol" (he'd had a few beers at theme park apparently).

DC9 was clinging to me and sobbing about calling Childline (to put this is context, she threatens to call Childline when she gets told to tidy her room, go to bed etc). She also wanted to call her grandparents and kept saying she hated DH.

To cut a long story short, everything calmed down after 30 mins and by bedtime the kids were chatting to DH calmly and wanting goodnight hugs etc. DCs apologised for not listening and misbehaving while out but also asked him to apologise for being so mean - pretty mature response all in all.

I'm still absolutely raging at DH. His reaction was out of order IMO. Now I get that he would have been shaken after road crossing incident and he was worn out after day with bickering DCs, but I think his blind fury was completely unacceptable.

He says I'm sticking up for the DCs and wasn't there to witness their behaviour. My point is that my anger is not directed at their misbehaviour but at his disproportionate response.

How do I handle this?

Haha no. If someone did something the equivalent of blatantly and selfishly disregarding the health and safety of themselves and others as the child did then I wouldn't give a shiny shit what they thought. And the odd are in my industry I wouldn't have to worry about it happening again. They wouldn't have a job to make a mistake in again.

2 kids aged 7 & 9 who have to be ‘worked on’ to understand road safety and who threaten childline at room tidying requests are beyond usual bad behaviour. Unless they have SEN issues you have not mentioned? Cos at 7 - road safety is you do it! It’s passed learning stage or gentle parenting.

You are also making the very arrogant claim that you are perfect and that you have never or will never deal with a high mental load that will make you overlook crucial information. Furthermore, losing your shit demonstrates a lack of authority and that too breeds distrust.

It's human to make mistakes and I suspect you have never had any training in dealing with crisis situations, because the first thing they teach you is to keep your cool. Be calm but firm. It's the most effective way to communicate and get things done.

Sounds very full on, I think you need to jointly discipline your kids. Decide what your family rules are and stick to them, be consistent and fair it’s exhausting until your kids realise you mean what you say and you use effective punishments.

He was good to just take them to a theme park himself, long day on the train. But @ 7&9 they should know how to behave out and about. I have 2 the same ages. Days out don’t always go to plan as 7 year old needs to know the plan and gets a bit upset if we veer off it, I also discuss my expectations of their behaviour and what will happen if they fall short. Nothing will change if you don’t work as a team instead of against each other. I’m a single parent (of 4) so used to taking mine all over the place but we would leave straight away if youngest didn’t hold hands and ran into a road.

Back down tell him he was unreasonable but because you both aren’t working together and offer to parent together instead of singularly.

She will have hundreds of them. That’s why she has said he has a short fuse.

Or maybe she doesn't. And in actual fact she is the issue here.

Where did he run out in front of the bike by the house or earlier?

@slipperywhensparticus OP said it happened two mins before they walked into the door.

I'd go batshit and scream at my 7yo if they ran into a road and nearly got killed too tbh.

OP you need a united front with discipline and parenting (at least in front of the kids). You don't like his reaction, I bet he hates yours.

If you were taking the road safety issue seriously, you wouldn't be hugging and consoling a 7yo who almost killed someone. You'd be giving him a bollocking too. He's 7 not 3. My 2yo knows we stay on pavements unless he's holding someone's hand.

Agree some ground rules and consequences that you both stick to consistently. Your children's behaviour will improve. At the moment they are confused between 2 sets of rules, no wonder they don't know how to behave.

I think going forward, you and your DH need to support each other in front of the children. What you do later when the kids aren't about us different. It sounds like he had a miserable rotten day with them which probably cost a bomb and the children acted like a pair of brats. The near accident at the end was the last straw for him. Road safety was always absolutely non negotiable in my family and I'd have gone ballistic too. Immediately - not later. Children are so good at the divide and rule / playing patents off against each other. It's vital the two of you unite against it now otherwise your lives will be hell. fwiw from your description of your children I'd say they were really naughty for him. I wouldn't have apologised for being mean.

But what the Op considers to be a short fuse may not be that short. It sounds like they have very different parenting styles so what she calls short fuse maybe someone else’s firmness. Or it might not - we don’t know.

Why they haven’t sorted out their differences in parenting styles by now I can’t think but I bet these kids know exactly how to manipulate their parents.

Equally, it sounds like the whole thing had blown over in no time.

I would suggest you see if tehre any parenting courses available you can both go to to get on the same page.....as I think you both sound unbalanced in your current approach... and OTT -him with teh shouting and you with the shouting back

your DC sound also sound OTT calling childline and not able to walk by the road at 7....?etc etc how are they at school ?

there is nothing wrong with getting help when you can see something is not working.....although they are above age in most areas maybe if there is a children centre near you coudl point in the right direction..

to start could recommend 123 magic book and a calm discussion with your DH....

To be honest, your children sound awful. Whining, manipulative, threatening to call Childline, arguing, not listening, fighting, screaming at the parent and nearly causing a fatal accident, only to wail at Mummy that Daddy's being horrid.

Having spent a load of money to do something nice for them, only to have it ruined, he was probably embarrassed at their atrocious behaviour long before the last kamikaze straw.

I think you can kiss goodbye to DH ever taking them somewhere nice again. If they behaved like that on a school trip, they'd be banned from any future ones without a doubt. And not one staff member would disagree with that decision.

You need to work on them actually doing as they are told before they get themselves or somebody else killed. And not instantly shrieking into action to defend them without thinking they might have done something that completely warranted the reaction they had worked on getting all day.

It is when they've just that minute nearly got themselves killed! You've got anger, fear and guilt all in one go...

Yes I'm well aware of that thank you. It's entirely possible to shout and get a very important point across without name calling and drunken loss of temper. Or it should be at any rate.

I think he obviously had a awful expirience and I see he could have reacted in fright but harshly grabbing him, calling him names and screaming in his face Is not acceptable behaviour and I'm not surprised both the kids got scared. I also don't get why people are saying the kids are manipulative ? they just sound like frightened kids to me. I love my dad and have a great relationship and lovley childhood but a few times in my childhood he really lost it and it was very scary , I was little and frightened and couldn't fully understand the reaction, il be honest I was scared of him at the time. if you think about it Of course it's scary if a big man shouted at you today and grabbed you and screamed in your face you would be scared. thats what happened to your child of course they got scared and wanted mummy what's wrong with that. I agree the 7 year old needs serious talking to about road safety and I would get on that urgently but I don't think your husbands reaction was ok either and honestly I think for them to come in the house like that would have been awful for you aswell.

When my dd was 3 she ran out into the road. I lost my shit, I was terrified so I spoke before thinking. What would you have done if he had run out in the road with you? At 7 he really should know not to just walk into the road.
You have completely undermined their dad by calling him abusive etc, all you have taught them is if they dont like what dad says then cry at mum and she will have a go at dad.
Your DH's reaction may have been over the top but if he was scared, and stressed I can fully see where it came from.

Thanks again for all the advice - I really do appreciate it.

I've said - way upthread - that I accept both reactions were wrong and that this has raised important issues for DH and I to discuss.

My DCs are not vile, awful brats but they can be challenging and do misbehave like many others. DC7 turned 7 a week ago - still 7 yes and should know better.

As an aside - on my way home just now I saw a car brake suddenly to avoid someone with earphones on crossing a road texting or whatever on their phone. Not to detract from DC's behaviour, but it's not just kids that need to have road safety drummed into them.

Anyway am grateful for the replies

As an aside, running into the road at 7, is not ok.
Threatening to call childline for being asked to tidy her room at 9, is bratty ,spoilt,manipulative behaviour. Not ok.

Your OH might be extremely strict, have unreasonable expectations and a short fuse, but whatever you're doing isn't working either. You both need to shape up and parent the kids properly so they don't endanger themselves and behave appropriately (like tidying their bloody room without threats).

Did you speak to your DH? I know you said he apologised, so I hope you did too.

It has to be exhausting to be undermined. Hopefully you two can have a discussion about co parenting together in a way that's consistent and you both feel would be effective for your DCs.

Thanks Sarcasm. They're really not - I've given a tiny snapshot into a set of circumstances.

Like many other posters who ask for advise when feeling emotional, I did not pore over every word considering how it may be interpreted. It's easy to draw conclusions and regard people as bad parents or whatever from a limited set of facts but - as many on this thread have recognised - that's rarely the case.

I don't think you're bad parents(you did make you husband sound like one,but i reserve judgement) but you're at very opposite sides which aren't good for your kids, or your family life in general.

Spot on sarcasm. I was about to be scathing at the OP, but your post is very balanced.

There are numerous people who need to be taught road safety and sensible behaviour, both drivers and adult pedestrians.

I think calling children names is horrendous, either online or face to face.

However, the child line comment is not the norm, and neither is being out of control around traffic.

Do you have other examples of his short fuse?