DH meltdown with DCs - how do I handle this?

[StellaRae]

Long-ish sorry, but I'd really like your thoughts on how to handle this.

I'm getting over a virus, so DH took DCs (9 and 7) out to a theme park on Saturday so I'd get a chance to relax. It was a fairly long day out for them and in hot weather.

Bit of context:

DCs can be challenging, especially together. DC7 rarely listens and he's not very road safety aware (which we are working on) and has tricky love/hate relationship with DH at the moment. DCs can both be rude, stroppy and argumentative. They do have positive qualities too (!), just trying to explain how they can push buttons,

DH has a very short fuse, is very strict on manners/behaviour and thinks I'm too soft on DCs (which I probably am, this is probably to counterbalance his strictness).

Anyway, I heard them come home and was really looking forward to seeing them. The next thing I hear is DH absolutely ROARING at them like a madman and both DCs sobbing hysterically.

The gist - according to DH was - DC7 wouldn't hold DHs hand and ran out into the road and was narrowly missed by a motorbike, DCs were both moany and rude all afternoon, fighting with each other, wouldn't listen etc.

DCs said DH yanked DC7 roughly, screamed at him in the street called him "dumbo" and "stupid". DC9 was sobbing saying "he's only 7, don't treat my brother like that" - unlike her to stand up for him.

I was basically confronted with hysterically sobbing children and an absolutely livid DH. I went into immediate protective mother mode hugging both kids, shouting at DH to calm down and get out of the room etc. I went absolutely nuts at DH and was freaked out by a pretty distressing scene. I accused him of being abusive towards DCs and "stinking of alcohol" (he'd had a few beers at theme park apparently).

DC9 was clinging to me and sobbing about calling Childline (to put this is context, she threatens to call Childline when she gets told to tidy her room, go to bed etc). She also wanted to call her grandparents and kept saying she hated DH.

To cut a long story short, everything calmed down after 30 mins and by bedtime the kids were chatting to DH calmly and wanting goodnight hugs etc. DCs apologised for not listening and misbehaving while out but also asked him to apologise for being so mean - pretty mature response all in all.

I'm still absolutely raging at DH. His reaction was out of order IMO. Now I get that he would have been shaken after road crossing incident and he was worn out after day with bickering DCs, but I think his blind fury was completely unacceptable.

He says I'm sticking up for the DCs and wasn't there to witness their behaviour. My point is that my anger is not directed at their misbehaviour but at his disproportionate response.

How do I handle this?

First off I have challenging children (who doesn’t) and have handled a theme park fine but this isn’t a theme park issue though as what theme park has roads

So where exactly did it take place and how many beers had he had because he was in sole charge of children

Then a reaction is normal I am shocked people think calling your child dumbo is normal and most reactions I would hope would be linked to guilt that I wasn’t paying attention (presumably because of the beer drunk in this case)

Also when I have on occasion reacted to DS we both quickly calm down and are fine. The fact your children were still distressed speaks volumes about the state of their relationship with their Dad

But for a man so strict on manners and behaviour it’s interesting that he completely lost control on his

Maybe he was building up to this expression of rage and would actually have found an excuse for the outburst, but as t was a serious incident, he felt justified to lose his shit.

Will this make the kids better able to cross the road or will it just make them scared of their dad, and they’ll still piss about when they’re out crossing roads alone.

They’ve only learnt not to make dad angry, they haven’t learnt how to behave more generally.

I would ask myself honestly if they are badly behaved? Having expectations and manners in place may be too much for say a toddler, but they are 9 and 7. Maybe DH has age related expectations and you don’t. And he finds it frustrating. And the road thing is appalling. I would be roaring too frankly. And if my husband had started to cuddle my badly behaved children after a day out when they had behaved badly I would not be impressed.

A NT 7 or 9 YO should not need road safety explained to them in such a remedial way that they think it's acceptable to piss about on the road when Dads not looking.

If they now think 'damn Dad was really mad that I almost got killed because I messed around on the road I shouldn't do that Again' then that's a win.

And a lesson they should've learnt many years ago.

Was he actually boozy tho? Did he actually smell of beer?

The only reason I ask is that being bellowed at as a kid can be scary but when it’s alcohol tinged that’s extra scary.

I have to say though (and I can’t work out timelines in your OP) if your DH lost his shit at the 7yo because he ran in the road and you caught the explosion from that, I’m with DH.

If this was round 10 of him shouting at the kids having done so all day then I’m with you.

Maybe I’m being stupid but I can’t work it out.

There is a difference between disciplining your children and losing control. Although your dh had a lot of provocation to deal with, he didn't discipline, he lost control.
I expect you've seen this with him a lot, not just at the theme park. It would have been very frightening for them to have him roaring "Dumbo" etc in their faces.
He wouldn't have lost it like this at work, because roaring like this at a colleague or boss would get you the sack. But he felt able to roar at them because they're small and there would be no significant comeback.

The road incident took place around the corner from our house, so about 2 mins before they got home.
DH says he had 2 beers - one with lunch and one went they had ice-cream before they left. Not unusual at the place they went - they have bars/Pimms stalls etc.
Message received loud and clear about not undermining DH, over-reactions all round and road safety. Thanks again.

So it happened literally before they came into the house and not hours earlier?

Just to be clear this happened at the very tail end of the day - a few mins before they got home. And DC9 did not run into the road.

DH did not reek of alcohol but I can't stand the smell of beer and can smell it a mile off.

Children make terrible mistakes, but that does not make the child stupid
It would be horrible living with a parent with a short fuse who resorted to name calling when you inevitably made the next mistake.

Children learn by making mistakes, however they do learn at different rates, and learning is actually independent of matter how much "bullucking" you direct in their faces. Children learn through talking calmly about their mistakes far better than when you scare the crap out of them and humilitate them with nasty put downs.

It's not always necessary to have a united front. A united front is best and works well if it's just the child in the wrong.
But a united front when one of the parents has bullied or made children feel unsafe, is counterproductive. It will leave the child feeling uncertain and unsafe.

This DCs said DH yanked DC7 roughly, screamed at him in the street called him "dumbo" and "stupid"

Sounds awful.

I told my dcs off very severely as one of them ran into the road to retrieve a toy.

I did not call them names-what purpose does that serve!!

Ah right, so your kid had just almost killed someone a matter of minutes before you heard your husband (rightly) screaming at him? My mind is boggled at this, how has your son even thought that running into traffic is acceptable (which he does, since he isn’t 7 and does it.) for so many years? Why is he not wearing reins to protect the public? Cannot understand this at all.

*IS 7

I don’t think it’s necessary to absolutely rage at a child who nearly has a road accident but I completely accept that in the moment fear / rage takes over and I can see why your dh behaved that way. I do think he does sound quite over the top though and I think when he got in he should have calmed down and then really hammered it home (firmly but non shouty) about how important road safety is and that from now on if dc do not observe correct road safety there will be consequences (less screen time / toys taken away for a set period of time etc or the reserve - a reward chart thing etc for good behaviour). I would go right back to basics and look at road safety videos on you tube and so on.

Personally I think it’s horrible to drink beers etc when out for the day with kids. I really don’t like that and admit I am judging him harshly for that but then we are a teetotal family (I used to be a heavy drinker pre kids) so maybe that’s clouding my judgment.

Wow, I think you've been getting some really harsh responses on here, OP. Clearly no-one handled the situation brilliantly but it does sound as if your DH was just venting anger at DC rather than parenting/disciplining. And it sounds pretty scary (and I say that as someone who loses my temper with my kids much more than I should). Also, I can't imagine the beers earlier helped, in fact beers at a theme park with two kids just sounds plain odd to me. I did also wonder whether his drinking has bothered you before (which would explain by the smell of booze got your heckles up)?

Of course in an ideal world you should have just calmed things down. But I think you know that now and will handle it differently in future so don't beat yourself up too much about it.

Hang on. So a mum who goes on a picnic in the park with her friends and their kids (to give her OH a break) and has some Prosecco, then on the way home the kids behave badly and one seven year old runs into the road and is told off harshly and comes home seething and shouting at the kids, would be judged VERY differently from the Dad in this scenario, right?

If the 7 year old isn't making the effort with road safety despite the fact that the parents take it very seriously, it feels as though there is something amiss either in terms of their ability to learn and understand or in terms of them not giving a stuff about the consequences. Either scenerio needs addressing.

Have you talked through the fact that it is not just his own life he is endangering but that of those motorists on the road? If someone dies or is seriously injured, whether it be the motorist or the pedestrian, the lives of both of those people will most likely be ruined, as might those of any witnesses. It is a thoroughly selfish act to run into the road like that once you understand the basics of road safety.

There is absolutely no excuse for an adult to be so enraged and yell at small children like that. They must have been frantic.

And so brave of your dc9 to stand up to him like that.

Thanks Spaceace appreciate it. I rarely drink and you're right about the beer smell - it definitely added fuel to the fire.

"DCs apologised for not listening and misbehaving while out but also asked him to apologise for being so mean"

Did he apologise to them?

@PotolBabu I think a mum in that situation who'd lost it the way OP's DH did would probably be judged similarly actually. However, I'd also argue that an adult sharing a bottle of a drink with friends over a picnic is a little different to an adult drinking alone with 2 DC in a theme park i.e. a place that's all about kids… But accept that everyone will feel differently about that. Anyway, my point was more the point that the smell of booze riled OP. In my experience when that happens it's because booze has come up before as a point of contention.

@pigeonscooing you don’t think their dad who understands the dangers of the road was frantic?! What an odd thing to say.

Sometimes kids behave badly. Sometimes they do something outright dangerous. If they get yelled at then they hopefully won’t do it again.

AnotherEmma - yes he did apologise

Also, he wasn't drinking alone. There was another dad and kids with them too.

There was a news story on the BBC today about a 3 year old boy who was knocked down by a van and killed while playing on a skateboard. That could EASILY have been your child, I'm not surprised that your DH was roaring at him, I would have been as well. Sometimes kids need a short, sharp shock, especially in dangerous situations, and it sounds like yours don't take much notice of discipline.