DH meltdown with DCs - how do I handle this?

[StellaRae]

Long-ish sorry, but I'd really like your thoughts on how to handle this.

I'm getting over a virus, so DH took DCs (9 and 7) out to a theme park on Saturday so I'd get a chance to relax. It was a fairly long day out for them and in hot weather.

Bit of context:

DCs can be challenging, especially together. DC7 rarely listens and he's not very road safety aware (which we are working on) and has tricky love/hate relationship with DH at the moment. DCs can both be rude, stroppy and argumentative. They do have positive qualities too (!), just trying to explain how they can push buttons,

DH has a very short fuse, is very strict on manners/behaviour and thinks I'm too soft on DCs (which I probably am, this is probably to counterbalance his strictness).

Anyway, I heard them come home and was really looking forward to seeing them. The next thing I hear is DH absolutely ROARING at them like a madman and both DCs sobbing hysterically.

The gist - according to DH was - DC7 wouldn't hold DHs hand and ran out into the road and was narrowly missed by a motorbike, DCs were both moany and rude all afternoon, fighting with each other, wouldn't listen etc.

DCs said DH yanked DC7 roughly, screamed at him in the street called him "dumbo" and "stupid". DC9 was sobbing saying "he's only 7, don't treat my brother like that" - unlike her to stand up for him.

I was basically confronted with hysterically sobbing children and an absolutely livid DH. I went into immediate protective mother mode hugging both kids, shouting at DH to calm down and get out of the room etc. I went absolutely nuts at DH and was freaked out by a pretty distressing scene. I accused him of being abusive towards DCs and "stinking of alcohol" (he'd had a few beers at theme park apparently).

DC9 was clinging to me and sobbing about calling Childline (to put this is context, she threatens to call Childline when she gets told to tidy her room, go to bed etc). She also wanted to call her grandparents and kept saying she hated DH.

To cut a long story short, everything calmed down after 30 mins and by bedtime the kids were chatting to DH calmly and wanting goodnight hugs etc. DCs apologised for not listening and misbehaving while out but also asked him to apologise for being so mean - pretty mature response all in all.

I'm still absolutely raging at DH. His reaction was out of order IMO. Now I get that he would have been shaken after road crossing incident and he was worn out after day with bickering DCs, but I think his blind fury was completely unacceptable.

He says I'm sticking up for the DCs and wasn't there to witness their behaviour. My point is that my anger is not directed at their misbehaviour but at his disproportionate response.

How do I handle this?

To be honest I think you are in the wrong and DH is right. So the kids got a bawling out from their dad for playing up and you know what - they probably won't do it again. They will only have issues if you take their side. Years ago my DJ marched three of our children back from a crazy golf session because they were acting up with him and each other - marched them out of the venue, along a main road and home then blew his stack once they were inside. They are all functioning adults who adore their dad but they still remember it and they never ever did it again. Personally I think - from the explanation given - that it will do them a power of good to know where the red line is. It's called parenting.

and sorry OP - just saw that you've accepted your reaction was wrong.

I can understand your DH losing it for DC running out into the road - the sheer shock and automatic 'what if...' thoughts can make you a bit hysterical

Although no drink driving accoured - how many beers did he have when in sole charge of a 7 & 9 year old though? A couple - fine, more than a few (was he actually stinking of alcohol like you said?) and I worry that may have added to his (over?) reaction

Can also understand you being upset though - your first view is of very upset children and you reacted before you knew the full circumstances

DH should have texted you before they got home and given you the gist of it so you were better prepared to deal with it together

Yes you need to talk about it and agree better ways for future

Agree with what PPs have said.
Also a good tip for the future to save the kids playing you off against eachother is if you do have an issue with something your DH has done (and vice versa) never ever contradict eachother infront of the kids, talk about it away from them.
As parents you need to be a united front.
They're 9 and 7 now but this will get worst if you let it OP.

Good luck

Your DH is a nasty pos treating his little kids like that, wtf are you minimising his behaviour for, and why are you making your DC sound like monsters, when they are just doing what normal children do?
I hate fathers like this. Absolute twat.

I agree with Friar It sounds to me like the DC know they can play up because you will let them off and give them cuddles. You should have calmly backed your DH.

Your DC sound quite poorly behaved, and a day at a themepark with 2 poorly behaved DC is enough to drive anyone insane, and then one runs into the road! I think your 7yo old needs to have a bit of a shock to realise what an idiot he is being, it's all very well 'tackling it' but in the meantime he could be killed!

Your reaction really won't have helped the situation. You can't call him abusive and drunk in front of the DC!

He shouldn't have been bawling and screaming at them, no. But your response wasn't helpful and frankly if your 7 yo is NT (and you haven't stated otherwise) you seriously need to get a grip on them running into moving traffic.

So aye, his temper needs to be changed. But to be honest, the entire family needs to look at their behaviour from what you've written. If DP ever mugged me off like that in front of the kids I'd tell him to do it himself then! All you're doing is teaching your children that if Dad shouts Mum will step in with cuddles and reassurances, irrespective of the behaviour, and it will all be ok.

And ffs stop your 7 year old running into the road, as a driver it's the fucking scariest experience having to slam your brakes on, risking an accident because a parent can't be arsed to fucking parent. This is a bigger deal than you seem to be understanding.

What if next time the driver is texting? Or is drunk? You'll have a dead or badly injured child because you didn't take road safety seriously. And a bloody traumatised driver who will have suffered for your lack of parenting.

You to come up with some sort of united parenting as these kids are clearly playing you against each other.

I also agree, road safety is serious and 7 is old enough to be taught how to safely cross the road. That could have been a serious incident.

Your children know precisely how to play you don’t they? Sobbing as they come in the house because they know Mummy will immediately side with them. They’re 7 and 9, not babies so should know how to behave when out and certainly not run into roads. Poor DH. Tried to do a nice thing and gets screamed at and undermined by you.

I fully understand the road safety issue and cannot stress enough how seriously we take it.

I do really appreciate your views and they have caused me to stop in my tracks and have a good think.

How the fuck is raging in a child's face helpful? I'm not saying he shouldn't have been angry about the road but that description sounds like a man who was venting his temper after a long day. Absolutely vile.

Your DC were treated to day out at a theme park and behaved badly, didn't listen to instructions from an adult and nearly got run over! They deserved an absolute bollocking!!

No they shouldnt feel scared by the adult giving it, but they certainly did deserve an absolute telling off and some consequences for their actions given.

I don't think that you necessarily need to always back up your spouse if you think they are wrong, but I definitely think undermining them and taking the kids side is a terrible approach. You behaved as if he was literally beating them and you had to jump in and protect them, rather than just shouting.

Sometimes I disagree with DH's approach, and I might step in and ask to have a word outside with him or suggest he needs to go and have a cup of tea and calm down and come back to the conversation afterwards, but I wouldn't take the DC side like that when they have behaved badly.

I think it would have been fine later to say to the child in a calm moment, yes it was wrong of Daddy to call you stupid BUT you did a very naughty and dangerous thing and Daddy was very worried you would be killed.

@AbbyHammond why was it wrong for him to call them stupid?
Running out in front of the road is stupid. They were stupid.

sorry but he is the adult and he needs to temper his response to be appropriate to the age of kids. At 7 road safety is just coming into play for many kids and it is unreasonable to not expect to have to manage that. If the child won't hold hands then it is at that point the threat is to go home and forget day out. It is safety its none negotiable

The behaviour was stupid not the child

Contraception - depends on your approach, but one of our rules is no name calling, however cross you are it's not ok. If we expect the DC not to do it, we try to model that ourselves.

No. The child who decided to do the running out in front of a motorbike and so endangering the life of the driver and others around them was stupid.
This wasn't a toddler who wasn't being parented.

They were stupid. They should reflect on their behaviour and be better in future.

I wonder if at 7 he feels too old to hold hands. If that's the case he really needs to learn some road safety

Sorry I am on your husbands side. Your hysterical response to your children crying because they’d been frightened by a telling off doesn’t mean your husband is abusive. It means he was scared to death of his child being killed! I mean, he could be abusive but based on this post I’d say he probably isn’t.

I think you feeling unwell probably added to the heightened tensions, might be a good idea to get everyone round the table and explain daddy is sorry he yelled but it was out of fright, and that children being treated to a nice day out should be able to behave.

PS had similar with mine at the weekend, took them out and ended the day yelling when they would not go to bed. I did apologise for shouting in the morning, DS gave me this look

I can get like your DH when I'm running low on resilience with DD. It's not an excuse. We always apologise and talk it through and I try really hard to ignore stuff and not let my temper get the better of me.

But DH always backs me up or at very least diverts things rather than undermining me. I suspect you may be causing issues for your DH by blasting him in front of the kids. My DM did it occasionally with my DF and I knew exactly how to play them off against each other.

Having said that a 7yo should know better than running out into the road. DD jumps out of her skin at my reaction if I spot her stepping into a road without looking.

I fully understand the road safety issue and cannot stress enough how seriously we take it.

Comforting them when they're being bollocked for running into a busy road isn't taking it seriously. ASN aside there is literally no reason that a 7 yo can't control themselves beside a road. It's life threatening, to your child and to other road users.

However seriously you think you're taking it, you need to double it.

Everyone in OPs house needs to get themselves under control. What a farce. Also, why does anyone bother taking a kid to a theme park or similar, they’re never what you picture-wide, bright eyes and big smiles, they’re always whinging,crying, and being hissed at by the parents who are paying through the nose to queue all day.
Is your husband aggressive often OP?
Seven is too old BY FAR to be jumping into traffic, if you need to have him near roads he should wear reins for the public’s safety, he could easily kill someone, it doesn’t get more catastrophic than this.

Who drinks beer at a theme park? That's surely not normal! Dc running out in front of cars/motorcycles at 7 would make most people over react. Without being there it's impossible to judge but the drinking and running in front of cars I'd make a priority. How are you "working" on that? Surely at 7 you just have a serious conversation and it's done. I have twin 7yos so cannot grasp what else would be required unless additional needs were involved.

I went into immediate protective mother mode

why? you're DC weren't in danger, they were at home with their parents.

I can well imagine how things play out in your house and right now I'm looking harder at you, OP.