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Original poster

DH meltdown with DCs - how do I handle this?

131 replies

StellaRae · 03/06/2019 11:33

Long-ish sorry, but I'd really like your thoughts on how to handle this.

I'm getting over a virus, so DH took DCs (9 and 7) out to a theme park on Saturday so I'd get a chance to relax. It was a fairly long day out for them and in hot weather.

Bit of context:

DCs can be challenging, especially together. DC7 rarely listens and he's not very road safety aware (which we are working on) and has tricky love/hate relationship with DH at the moment. DCs can both be rude, stroppy and argumentative. They do have positive qualities too (!), just trying to explain how they can push buttons,

DH has a very short fuse, is very strict on manners/behaviour and thinks I'm too soft on DCs (which I probably am, this is probably to counterbalance his strictness).

Anyway, I heard them come home and was really looking forward to seeing them. The next thing I hear is DH absolutely ROARING at them like a madman and both DCs sobbing hysterically.

The gist - according to DH was - DC7 wouldn't hold DHs hand and ran out into the road and was narrowly missed by a motorbike, DCs were both moany and rude all afternoon, fighting with each other, wouldn't listen etc.

DCs said DH yanked DC7 roughly, screamed at him in the street called him "dumbo" and "stupid". DC9 was sobbing saying "he's only 7, don't treat my brother like that" - unlike her to stand up for him.

I was basically confronted with hysterically sobbing children and an absolutely livid DH. I went into immediate protective mother mode hugging both kids, shouting at DH to calm down and get out of the room etc. I went absolutely nuts at DH and was freaked out by a pretty distressing scene. I accused him of being abusive towards DCs and "stinking of alcohol" (he'd had a few beers at theme park apparently).

DC9 was clinging to me and sobbing about calling Childline (to put this is context, she threatens to call Childline when she gets told to tidy her room, go to bed etc). She also wanted to call her grandparents and kept saying she hated DH.

To cut a long story short, everything calmed down after 30 mins and by bedtime the kids were chatting to DH calmly and wanting goodnight hugs etc. DCs apologised for not listening and misbehaving while out but also asked him to apologise for being so mean - pretty mature response all in all.

I'm still absolutely raging at DH. His reaction was out of order IMO. Now I get that he would have been shaken after road crossing incident and he was worn out after day with bickering DCs, but I think his blind fury was completely unacceptable.

He says I'm sticking up for the DCs and wasn't there to witness their behaviour. My point is that my anger is not directed at their misbehaviour but at his disproportionate response.

How do I handle this?

OP posts:
Introvertedbuthappy · 03/06/2019 15:07

I think there are bigger issues at play here, namely how you and DH are going to tackle your children’s poor behaviour, particularly your 7yr old’s road sense. They sound like they behaved appallingly and if that had been my husband telling me what had happened I’d be speaking to the children myself, not cuddling them and shouting at him!

Honestly, their behaviour will not improve until you get tougher and have clear consequences in place. What were the consequences of fucking up an expensive day at the theme park?

Yes, your husband needs to control his temper, but I’d be at the end of my tether too if all my attempts to put boundaries in place were thwarted by my other half.

Bluntness100 · 03/06/2019 15:10

Bit surprised at some of these responses, or maybe not bearing in mind how many folks on here like to see a kid getting theirs.

Roaring in a child's face is not ok, loosing it in the way he did is not ok. What the fuck is he teaching them? And why did he need to drink at a theme park? He couldn't just have a coke with his kids?

If he can't cope with his own kids, if he can't go an afternoon without drinking, then there is a problem there. Kids can be challenging, but unless there is additional needs then they are what you make them. And based in this little snippet above no wonder they don't know how to behave.

All these posters excusing him and blaming rhe op and the kids really need to give their heads a wobble. Just because he's a bloke doesn't mean he gets a free pass or is always right.

AnotherEmma · 03/06/2019 15:13

I can see both sides to this. He was right to be furious at a 7yo running into the road. But based on what you've said there is a bigger issue with his "short fuse" - presumably he loses his temper with them for much more minor things?

I do my best to be patient with DS but safety is non-negotiable. He is only a toddler so different issues. But he has managed to take his arms out of his car seat straps a couple of times and I stay absolutely calm and steely and tell him to "put your arms back in the straps NOW" and amazingly the child who hardly ever does what he's told actually does it. DH told me my voice completely changed. So I showed him that I meant business but I didn't scream abuse at him. (I realise I might have done if he was older and he'd run into the road after a long day of being a PITA!)

I really think the two of you need to work together on a joint approach to parenting. It might seem like overkill but I think there are online parenting courses, maybe you could watch a few sessions together and discuss your approaches and if there's anything the two of you want to change. There are also parenting books and blogs but I think the danger is you reading things and lecturing him - he needs to read them himself and it needs to be a joint endeavour. However I do recommend the website "aha parenting" as it has some good articles about managing our own anger when dealing with difficult behaviour.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

7 year olds 9 year olds Families General parenting
CassianAndor · 03/06/2019 15:14

I must have missed where anyone suggested that he gets a pass because he's a man...

It sounds like these kids were a pain in the arse most of the day, having a couple of beers on a sunny afternoon out and about with another dad when you;re kids are being a pain in the arse is hardly parenting fail of the year, and at the end of it all dealing with your 7 year old running out into the traffic is enough to make most non-saint adults have kittens.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/06/2019 15:14

The kid could've killed someone.

The same action from the child could've resulted in another adults death.

The biker I assume was the one who reacted to dodge the child.

So today a wife could've found out that her husband had died.
But it's OK because the child didn't mean it.

If I was that biker I'd have pulled over and roared at the child as well. I'd have wanted to scare the shit out of them. How dare they risk someone else's life because they've been coddled to damage.

Original poster
StellaRae · 03/06/2019 15:36

Thanks for the links AnotherEmma

OP posts:
InTheHeatofLisbon · 03/06/2019 15:39

I don't think anyone has given him a free pass. I certainly haven't, and I haven't seen other posters do so either.

However, OPs behaviour did nothing to improve the situation and both parents clearly haven't managed to keep a handle on their child beside a road. So aye, she's been told that they all need to get a grip. Which is true. His anger (I thought the drinking was odd too given the circumstances) needs to be dealt with, that's a definite. But the serious lack of understanding of just how fucking dangerous a kid running into the road when they're old enough to know better is a massive issue too. One doesn't cancel out the other.

CaptSkippy · 03/06/2019 15:40

My father was very much like your husband and I can tell you what will likely happen.

My father would not hit very often, but he would should, threaten and intimidate us kids and our mom. There many times he made us cry and many times I was afraid of him.

However, I was also a small child and he was in his prime. The roles are now reversed and I noticed that about a decade ago he could no longer intimidate me or my siblings. I have made it very clear to him that if he tries to lay a finger on any of us or even threatens to do so I will break every bone in his body.

He knows he is no longer a match for us (except my mother) and if he gets angry he will stomp his feet like a small child throwing a tantrum. But I don't feel sorry for him in those moment and I sometimes even laugh at him. He had his to chance to show us proper adult behavior and he often chose not to. I think he is also the main reason that I never married or had children of my own.

Your children will grow up and he will get old and they will treat him the way he is treating them now. If he is okay with that then he should continue to have a short fuse and demonstrate plenty of angry outbursts in front of them. But if he wants a good relationship with his children in his old age than he needs to rein it in today. They will be teens soon and he is running out of time. He needs to learn how to discipline without losing his shit. He needs to start being an adult.

FriarTuck · 03/06/2019 16:19

Maybe he has a short fuse because he's constantly being disobeyed due to OP's different approach?

InTheHeatofLisbon · 03/06/2019 16:20

Maybe he has a short fuse because he's constantly being disobeyed due to OP's different approach?

It would be reasonable for him to calmly bring this up to OP. But screaming in a child's face because you can't control your temper isn't on.

CassianAndor · 03/06/2019 16:26

do you expect every parent who has just seen their child run out into the road and nearly get hit by a motorbike to behave in a reasonable way? Frankly, if any occasion warrants an explosion, this would be it! I think you;d have to be made of stone cold ice not to react strongly to that situation.

Jesus Christ. He could have been killed. The biker could have come of his bike and been killed.

AnotherEmma · 03/06/2019 16:55

"Maybe he has a short fuse because he's constantly being disobeyed due to OP's different approach?"

Of course! If a man is angry it must be a woman's fault!

🤦🏻‍♀️

SonEtLumiere · 03/06/2019 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FriarTuck · 03/06/2019 17:28

But screaming in a child's face because you can't control your temper isn't on.
It is when they've just that minute nearly got themselves killed! You've got anger, fear and guilt all in one go...

FriarTuck · 03/06/2019 17:32

Of course! If a man is angry it must be a woman's fault!
Well if you have one parent (of either sex) who is constantly undermining the other (of either sex) then it stands to reason that there's going to be frustration, particularly when it leads to behavioural issues. The fact that the supposedly always angry parent is male and the other is female is irrelevant. The important part is the lack of consistency, and that's not based on sex at all.
But hey, if you want to make it all about sex you go right ahead. Hmm
(I am female you know, despite the name - more assumptions on your part)

AnotherEmma · 03/06/2019 17:35

I made no assumptions about your sex, I don't give a shit

CaptSkippy · 03/06/2019 17:41

Having a short fuse is a serious character flaw and doesn't just show up in extreme circumstances, such a child nearly dying. A short fuse will rear its ugly mug on a daily or weekly basis.

Really bad example for kids to follow.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/06/2019 17:42

Has the op actually given another example of her DH short fuse? Or just the one where the child almost got themselves and another killed?

Because so far I'm thinking the DH is just an actual parent with boundaries and OP doesn't like enforcing anything that might upset the little darlings. As such labelling him aggressive with a short fuse.

CaptSkippy · 03/06/2019 17:44

Furthermore, whether one spouse is undermining or not, does not excuse the behavior. Do you think the husband's boss or coworkers would put up with that crap? He'd be fired faster than anything.

No, he is using his family as an emotional punching bag.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/06/2019 17:44

Oh FFS if my colleague did something so stupid that endangered us I'd go ballistic at tj.

CaptSkippy · 03/06/2019 17:46

So, am I to assume to get away with raging at your coworker's "stupid" behavior on the regular? Because that is what it means to have a short fuse.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/06/2019 17:48

No. Because again OP has not given any example of a short fuse.

If my colleague endangered the lives of those around them through plain stupid and moronic behaviour then any adult would probably lose their shit at them.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 03/06/2019 17:49

@StellaRae , before I form a full opinion I have some questions.

Does you DH do this often? You say that he has a short fuse,so is it normal for him to shout and scream at them and call them names?

When you say strict is this an extension of his temper? Are his expectations reasonable(like a 7 yo NOT running in the road) or impossible?

CaptSkippy · 03/06/2019 17:54

It's unprofessional and it will make your coworkers distrust you and avoid coming to you when they are uncertain about safety related issues and will try to hide their mistakes from you next time.

My advise is to get a hold of your temper, even in dangerous situation. It may simply be a case of a lack of knowledge, not malignent intent.