DH meltdown with DCs - how do I handle this?

[StellaRae]

Long-ish sorry, but I'd really like your thoughts on how to handle this.

I'm getting over a virus, so DH took DCs (9 and 7) out to a theme park on Saturday so I'd get a chance to relax. It was a fairly long day out for them and in hot weather.

Bit of context:

DCs can be challenging, especially together. DC7 rarely listens and he's not very road safety aware (which we are working on) and has tricky love/hate relationship with DH at the moment. DCs can both be rude, stroppy and argumentative. They do have positive qualities too (!), just trying to explain how they can push buttons,

DH has a very short fuse, is very strict on manners/behaviour and thinks I'm too soft on DCs (which I probably am, this is probably to counterbalance his strictness).

Anyway, I heard them come home and was really looking forward to seeing them. The next thing I hear is DH absolutely ROARING at them like a madman and both DCs sobbing hysterically.

The gist - according to DH was - DC7 wouldn't hold DHs hand and ran out into the road and was narrowly missed by a motorbike, DCs were both moany and rude all afternoon, fighting with each other, wouldn't listen etc.

DCs said DH yanked DC7 roughly, screamed at him in the street called him "dumbo" and "stupid". DC9 was sobbing saying "he's only 7, don't treat my brother like that" - unlike her to stand up for him.

I was basically confronted with hysterically sobbing children and an absolutely livid DH. I went into immediate protective mother mode hugging both kids, shouting at DH to calm down and get out of the room etc. I went absolutely nuts at DH and was freaked out by a pretty distressing scene. I accused him of being abusive towards DCs and "stinking of alcohol" (he'd had a few beers at theme park apparently).

DC9 was clinging to me and sobbing about calling Childline (to put this is context, she threatens to call Childline when she gets told to tidy her room, go to bed etc). She also wanted to call her grandparents and kept saying she hated DH.

To cut a long story short, everything calmed down after 30 mins and by bedtime the kids were chatting to DH calmly and wanting goodnight hugs etc. DCs apologised for not listening and misbehaving while out but also asked him to apologise for being so mean - pretty mature response all in all.

I'm still absolutely raging at DH. His reaction was out of order IMO. Now I get that he would have been shaken after road crossing incident and he was worn out after day with bickering DCs, but I think his blind fury was completely unacceptable.

He says I'm sticking up for the DCs and wasn't there to witness their behaviour. My point is that my anger is not directed at their misbehaviour but at his disproportionate response.

How do I handle this?

We made a pact to back each other up publicly. If something needed to be said then it was when little ears were not wagging in the background. Your DCs behaved appallingly. Your OH was emotional fair enough. You need to toughen up and discipline your children more for their own sakes and yours otherwise you have years of hell ahead.

I think you first need to have a calm, open discussion with your dh where you both acknowledge that there is a problem with your children's behaviour and that neither of your approaches seems to be working particularly well at the moment. Your dh needs better parenting tools, you need firmer discipline.

Draw up a list of scenarios where problems occur and think about how you could both work at them so you don't end up in this situation of shouting at each other. How do you pre-empt trouble, how do you deal with trouble, what is a reasonable punishment in a series of situations, could you come up with some useful phrases that you could both use so your dc see you're on the same page? And a secret sign when one of you thinks the other's approach needs tweaking seems a good idea.

Once you are on the same page, then have that family discussion. Explain (best if your dh does it) that you would like there to be less shouting and clearer rules so everybody can be happy.

But that the most important thing is that everybody is to be safe, and that nobody must do anything that is dangerous for themselves or other people. Make it very clear to both children that you are both shocked at the 7yo's behaviour, spell it out that the man on the motorbike could easily have been killed. Make it clear that you too, OP, are far more shocked about this than about the shouting. (any sign that "mummy doesn't think it was that bad, because daddy was naughty and shouted at him" and he may well do it again- you could end up with a dead child). I would certainly make it a rule that he has to hold onto an adult's hand every time he leaves the house for a specified time. And if he refuses, then I would put him on reins. Which he is far too old for- and that would be the point.

One rule could also be that if they keep bickering the adult in charge will turn round and take them home. No shouting, no arguing, one calm reminder and at the second stroke we leave. But then it is probably best if they see you doing that, OP, rather than just your dh.

A 7 and 9 year old should understand how to behave better than this, the 7 year old definitely should know not to run into a road! Sorry but I understand why your DH was at the end of his tether. My then 3 year old once ran into a road and it was terrifying but I’d expect a 3 yo not to know any better, a 7 year old definitely does.

If you had been with your DC instead of DH how would you have responded to their behaviour?

Having read the initial post and all replies, I do think I EOD be concerned about this man. The fact he was still roaring at them as they were arriving home, the fact he called them names, the fact that he is described as having a short fuse.
I'm worried that the OP will go away from this thread thinking her instincts were wrong and settle for this angry man. I don't think the running out into the road excuses every aspect of what this man did

You can calmly discipline a child, no red faced, name- calling yelling required.