Is it selfish to have an only child?

[plus30]

This is the first time I have posted on here - much reading of other posts but never created my own. Anyway, I guess I'm just looking to gather peoples thoughts about only children. My dh and I are parents to one 21 month old daughter who I can honestly say is the love of my life. Although I absolutely love being a mum I am unsure as to whether i could cope with anymore. I am 35 - my husband is 37 and I just think we started to late! The only thing that makes us unsure is the thought of our daughter not having any siblings. Both of us come from families with 2 children and are close to our siblings and their families. The thoughts of christmas and family holidays where she doesn't have a little playmate make me feel really sad! Nor do I want my daughter thinking that we didn't enjoy being parents so decided not to have any more! Perhaps I'm thinking about this too much! Any opinions gratefully recieved....

I'm an only child and I loved it. I didn't have to vie for my parents affection and I didn't have siblings to scrap with. I was never short of playmates and friends.
Only children are very independent and do not get bored as easily as other children. They are also good at socialising and making new friends.
Our daughter is five (I had her at 35 by choice) and she is just like I was as a child - can amuse herself happily, has no problems introducing herself to other children when we're out etc.. I only ever wanted one child and would not want any more.
At the end of the day you have to do what is right for you, but I can only fully recommend sticking with just the one.

I think having only one child is something to be VERY PROUD of. It's the greenest thing you will ever do in your life.

So GOOD ON YOU all of you parents-of-one out there. The planet - and those who will have to share its crowded metropolii after we are gone - will thank you.

Plus 30, I am 33 with a 22 month old ds and have had the same feelings. For me, I don't think that providing a sibling with a playmate is a valid enough reason to have another and I refuse to bow to pressure from family/friends/society to have another child. My sis and I were 16 and 13 when my bro was born and he was in effect an only child as we had both gone to uni by the time he was in school. He is a perfectly well rounded and fantastic young man, although my parents are only just over the shock!
Providing a loving home for the child you have is the most important thing. Plus, Rococorita and others are right, we one child families are the greenest - smaller cars, less waste, less food and a smaller carbon footprint as a result. You're saving the planet!

I'm so glad you started this thread! and reading all the other comments has been really helpful for me to stick with what I feel.
I have a 1 year old and since I had her I've been doing my head in thinking whether it's right to just have one!!! How ridiculous! There is no dilemma because a child should only be "created" if its wanted and if you have to think about if you should or not its obvious the answer is no!!
No situation is ever perfect so you can only follow your heart. In my case that means dd will be an only child.
I have a sister. We are so different we never got on until she moved to America! Dh has a brother they never got on and he now lives in Hong Kong and they only speak once a year at Christmas!
I have friends who had a great time with their first child, had another and it was and still is AWFUL! fights, sleepless nights etc etc
Also you have to consider that sometimes babies are born with terrible defects. Can you imagine having a child because you thought it would be nice for your first to have a sibling and its seriously ill and you never really wanted it anyway and now your life is incredibly unbelievably hard and you can't spend time with your first because the new baby is in hospital etc etc??
Thats why a child should always be wanted because if it is that worst case scenario it will need your love.
I know a few people who are only children and they are all really lovely so thats the end of my post goodnight!

I'm new to this but thought I'd add my tuppence worth-never posted before! I am divorced with a 7 year old ds and work as a Nanny-so during the week I have 3 children and evenings and weekends just my own and, there's a big difference!
My ds benefits from having other children around and sharing my attention but I know with 3 children at the end of some days you feel as if you haven't got anywhere -just making sure everyone is happy, fed a meal they ALL will eat, watered, clean, playing fairly, and they all need their own special individual attention. Trips out are fun but not easy to find entertainment that suits all the ages plus all the paraphenalia needed to accompany them.
When I'm home alone with ds life is soooo easy-in fact I'm taking him to his first festival next weekend-something I wouldn't even contemplate with 3!
Everyone should do what suits their lives best-and if you get broody borrow a couple of your friends kids for the weekend first ;-)

I also have this same dilema I have a 5 year old and feel very happy and fulfilled. I love him to bits and really don't feel broody at all (well only very very occasionally)!. However, I feel eternally guilty that he doesn't have a sibling and somone to play with. He does have friends, they come over to play and he goes to their houses but when he is playing at home by himsellf and tells me that he is lonely it breaks my heart.

I suffered from PND when he was born - I couldn't take my eyes off him for a second and hardly slept, I was anxious the whole time and generally felt pretty rubbish. My pnd was undiagnosed and I only realised that was what I had when I read about the symptoms on Netmums.

My Main worry about having another is that i will get PND again and how this will effect our family - Sometimes I feel that I just can't take the risk.

Only got one 21 month old! Started at 38 and couldn't imagine having another! V close to cousin who is only one month older - praps that's the sibling? Anyway, v happy child, loves chatting to teddy and amusing self. Your decision..... ;)

hi I'm new to this malarcy too but this discusion interested me I only have one child a daughter 31months I was forty when she was born not by choice i'd been trying for years and had been told it wouldn't happen so She will be an only child the amount of children you have or have not isnt what makes a person selfish its how you live your life around the child/children that matters if you do your best love them are honest with and reliable can accept that no one is perfect then i think thats enough and anything else you can give them is a bonus

Rocorita, some of us have multiple births so one is not option. Having more than one child does not automatically equate to being ungreen.

Also, who is to say that one person has less of a carbon footprint than two people? It is down to your lifestyle, attitude, interests etc.

I have one ds (6) and haven't been able to have more although we've tried, it took years to get pregnant with ds and I had a miscarriage a few years ago. We would still be delighted to have another but I seem to be profoundly infertile so I try to see how lucky I am to have a child at all and dh and I usually do feel incredibly lucky.

However, overall and based purely on my own subjective experience, I think it is usually better to have more than one - although of course there are huge exceptions - i.e. very happy familes with onlies and unhappy families with carloads of kids.

But the main potential advantage imo (and I'm one of four siblings) is the balance of us and them and the potential for fun. It's much harder work entertaining an only as they get older and I now have to work very hard arranging playdates when my mates with more than one don't have to bother as much. Also holidays can be harder with one, harder work for parents too!! I hate to admit it but I do envy people with more than one, I try not to but I do. Having said that - some siblings are horrible to each other later (my siblings are not that close but I think we were pushed apart by my parents divorce - I sometimes think they might have stayed together if my mother hadn't spent her whole marriage pregnant! 7 pgs in ten years... hard on my dad)

But there are always exceptions to the rule. I think it would not be right to have another child JUST for your child - that doesn't seem right either. I think if you addressed the pnd you may be clearer, even now. But it really isn't too late you're relatively young!!

The people I know who are happiest with onlies are the ones who really didn't want more and that is their expectation. Also friends/cousins are even more important.

A mum who has triplets and terry nappies has got to be greener than a mum with one child who uses disposables its not the number of children who have that make you green its your general attitude to all things surely

What about large families who holiday in the UK in a tent as oppose to those with one child who go abroad for skiing in winter, The Med for Spring break, on Safari in Kenya for summer and Lapland at Christmas? Who do you think will have the smaller carbon footprint in this respect?

Please note - I was exaggerating about the holidays to make a point.

sorry, don't have much time so haven't read ALL posts.

Am in a similar position - I'm 27, DH is 39 and DD is 13 months. I would like another child for many or all of the reasons above (I always saw myself as having at LEAST 2 kids and DH and I always said we'd aim for a big family, I'd love another baby, also someone for DD to play with blah blah blah.....) but I also have the fears of everyone else - I have days where I'm ready to run away and I worry that I wouldn't actually cope with 2 (or more), also, DH says he's not sure he wants more - we both love our DD to bits but he feels the stress too and thinks he's getting too old for more babies. This is another major concern - timing, with what DH is saying, I feel I should be trying for no.2 soon if we're going to have more, so that he's not too old and decrepit (his words!) to help with a baby/toddler, but I'm not "in that place" just now.

6 months ago DH was saying we should be trying for no.2 now-ish, but he's now right off the idea (amazing what a stubborn toddler can do to the will of a grown man!).

Really not sure what to do.

The only thing I can offer is to say that what I'm going to do is wait and see. I have a feeling that once DD gets to about 18 months / 2 yrs I'll be well up for another baby, and will make my decision at that point. There's no point pressurising yourself into making a decision this important - I think there's always an element of fate to these sort of situations

x

Also - totally agree re the green issue - comes down to attitude rather than how many kids you have A large green family is still going to have less of a negative impact on the environment than a small non-green family - eg the 1 child family that has a 4wd vs the "normal" green-conscious family that has a "normal" family car.....

Okay we have one dd age 4 now who we love to bits and who seems to be turning out ok so far. I am 30 so age isn't too much of an issue but I have been agonizing since she was about 12 mths old over whether to have another. Reading threads like these on mumsnet always help for a while and then the doubt and guilt creep back into my head! My friends that had their first when I had mine have all gone on to have another and cannot believe I'm not broody. I keep waiting for the broodiness to kick in but it just isn't! My husband and I seem to feel the same- we have discussed having another loads of times but we never reach a concrete descision.
Reasons for having another: More chance of grandchildren in the future! More chance of having a son/daughter to visit us in the future(in case one emigrates or something!) This one makes me feel sick but does cross my mind- if the worst happened and we ever lost our dd ,not sure i could carry on living, wheras another child would give me a reason. (know people who have lost a child and this is what they said). DD would not feel as alone and possibly would have someone who understands to slag us off to behind our backs when she is older! DD would learn to be more tolerant (hopefully) and that life doesn't revolve around her. I would have an excuse to stay part time at work, otherwise I will soon have to go back an extra day when she is at school full time!

However, I feel dd really won't benefit from a sibling much now anyway as surely at 5/6 yrs old it'll be too big an age gap so we would always have to provide entertainment for both as if we had two onlies.
I suppose like someone else said, If I have to think like this as opposed to just "feeling" that I need another then it obviously isn't right for us. Somehow though this makes me feel that I must be a failure as a mum/woman. Maybe me and dh are selfish, lazy and cowardly . I definately feel terribly guilty for my dd because she does envy friends with siblings and cries like her heart is breaking when beloved friends go home

ellasmum-you are ME.Every word of your post
applies to me too!!
only difference is i started with the 'mental pain' when DD was 2+.Was totally fullfilled up to that point.DD is now 5.1.
We did decide to go for it and tried for 2 cycles,then i just lost interest when nothing happened,was fed up of the waiting every month/stress,felt like it was taking up my whole existance,but on the other hand while trying,was actually very excited and 'content'(maybe felt better just to have indecision away at last!).
Had a few viruses this year,DH long working hours,found one 'enough on my plate'.Just really gone of the idea lately,DD doesn't even mention it either.Seems content having our full attention and is coming on in leaps and bounds i think,due to it.
As far as 'feelings' go,i'm confused .
How could i be so positive and now negative?!-did anyone else have this.Did i just do such a good job of convincing myself it was a good idea,that when things went wrong,it just fell apart?.Maybe it was my head,not heart i was really listening to after all,surely if it was my heart my positive feelings would not have just evaporated surely,if i REALLY wanted another baby,nothing would have stood in my way-i would have kept trying...what do you reckon?
anyway,i think ellasmum,that we are successes,because we have one healthy,happy child and like you,i soothe myself with these threads,who all agree 'onliness' has many,many good points for DD AND YOU as a family,and if you know deep down you are content as you are,why upset the applecart?!-it's a big gamble.I keep saying to myself,well
neither may marry or have grankids for us
both may move far away
it seems a 50/50 chance whether they'll even get on
i'm aware one could,god forbid!-die,so sometimes that is my main fear,but what if you were in an accident and both died,
It would leave a hole in your heart that couldn't heal,even if you had two anyway,but i know,yes there would be one to carry on for.But we have our families and DH to carry on for i guess anyway!
How can i be so adamant i don't want two,unyet i cannot part with old baby stuff at all?-keep saying to myself-i might
I think if we delay such things,for not very practical reasons(finishing a degree,moving e.t.c.),then i think we don't truly WANT to do it.I delay other things i don't want to do!.
Other people have big gaps through ttc problems e.t.c.,but that's not the case with me.FEAR could be a big thing though for me-pregnancy,birth,sleeplessness e.t.c.-fear of being less happy than we are now i suppose,a lot to lose,rather than gain and me losing the good points i have as a mum,through illness or tiredness with two...being horrible to DD e.t.c.

wonder if many who have two,do it through pressure,but won't admit it!?..your friends may not admit either how hard it is now,or look back at having one,they daren't!-wonder if anyone would ever dare to admit to regret about having two to your face-doubt it!
anyway i shall wait till complete unresistable broodiness comes again-which may be never now .

Oh happyathome thankyou so much for your heartfelt reply! You are so right about us feeling the same- I completely identify with your post too! With regard to the bit about others maybe doing it "under pressure"- I wonder about that too- like you said who is really going to tell you that they wish they had stayed with one? You see, when our dd was a baby I was honest about how I felt- For the first few weeks I did sometimes regret having her and could admit that(seems unbelievable now) but I found the transition from me to mum HUGE!! Feel I still haven't quite cracked it even now. Some days think I am FABULOUS mum and love every minute, some days don't feel like being a mum and am morose and grumpy. Most days somewhere in between! Somehow I feel having another might just be too much and I find it unbearable to think I might regret my second child if I had one. Friends tell me this just wouldn't happen but what if it did. Then we have the whole what if I don't love the second as much- total cliche but honestly can't believe another would live up to dd! Didn't help that I always wanted a little girl, and feel she was the gift I always wanted. Often think if I had had a boy first I would have had more reason to have another in the hope of having a girl. Happyathome do you have siblings? I have also started considering how I feel about my only sibling- my sister (2.5 yrs younger). I adored her as a child but she tormented me, and my mum. She completely turned our family upside down with huge tantrums and jealousy and would just bully me really- although older I was much more placid, and my mum just couldn't cope that well. I love her now but she still hurts me more than anyone else. Never thought it would affect my childrearing but maybe deep down I am terrified of having a second who turns our lovely family upside down in the same way. OR maybe the broodiness is just round the corner! And I also think you are right about not letting things get in the way if you REALLY wanted another. When I wanted dd we were unmarried,living in a shared student house and dh was being made redundant and NOTHING could tame my broodiness! But on the other hand many friends have said the desire to have another isn't as powerful second time around but I want it to be that all consuming urge ,partly because surely the second child deserves to be as wanted as the first...

Sorry- easier to read version!
Oh happyathome thankyou so much for your heartfelt reply!
You are so right about us feeling the same- I completely identify with your post too!

With regard to the bit about others maybe doing it "under pressure"- I wonder about that too- like you said who is really going to tell you that they wish they had stayed with one? You see, when our dd was a baby I was honest about how I felt- For the first few weeks I did sometimes regret having her and could admit that(seems unbelievable now) but I found the transition from me to mum HUGE!! Feel I still haven't quite cracked it even now. Some days think I am FABULOUS mum and love every minute, some days don't feel like being a mum and am morose and grumpy. Most days somewhere in between!
Somehow I feel having another might just be too much and I find it unbearable to think I might regret my second child if I had one. Friends tell me this just wouldn't happen but what if it did.
Then we have the whole what if I don't love the second as much- total cliche but honestly can't believe another would live up to dd! Didn't help that I always wanted a little girl, and feel she was the gift I always wanted. Often think if I had had a boy first I would have had more reason to have another in the hope of having a girl.

Happyathome do you have siblings? I have also started considering how I feel about my only sibling- my sister (2.5 yrs younger). I adored her as a child but she tormented me, and my mum. She completely turned our family upside down with huge tantrums and jealousy and would just bully me really- although older I was much more placid, and my mum just couldn't cope that well. I love her now but she still hurts me more than anyone else. Never thought it would affect my childrearing but maybe deep down I am terrified of having a second who turns our lovely family upside down in the same way.

OR maybe the broodiness is just round the corner!
And I also think you are right about not letting things get in the way if you REALLY wanted another.
When I wanted dd we were unmarried,living in a shared student house and dh was being made redundant and NOTHING could tame my broodiness!
But on the other hand many friends have said the desire to have another isn't as powerful second time around but I want it to be that all consuming urge ,partly because surely the second child deserves to be as wanted as the first...

thanks for sharing again ellasmum.It's so good to have someone so similar to chat to.
hopefully it will clarify both our minds eh?!
no,i don't have siblings and don't feel none the worse for it.Had a happy childhood.
Spend most my time with DH and DD,or alone.
Only odd playdate for socialisation.It's just that i'm used to it.I grew up and learned to be self-sufficient as an only.
Quite like my own company!.
Again,every word of your latest post,applies to me too.
Guess it must be more complicated for you to decide,as your childhood involved a sib,and i'm sure deep down,we feel like we want to replicate our own childhoods,because it is more familiar to us-even though you didn't get on with sis,it's what youv'e known!..we feel comfier with what we've known,that is why it's so hard for me-having two seems so alien...would hate the fighting
and dividing my time/attention.Initially thought,leave it till DD at school,then more one-one with baby e.t.c.,but now that's come and i've got lazy and prefer time relaxing ALONE..there would be no break,just dropping DD off,then taking a restless baby/toddler home for rest of day.
Must say,i loved the smiles,cute/entertaining toddler,bottle feeding cuddles,when they cuddle you back and tell you they love you ....but in my mind there are as many negatives for me,and even more when you consider how the first child's life will be interrupted/changed,how it would affect me as a person(feel i would be exhausted and horrible mummy for DD-i would feel 'far away' from her too,as we've had 5 years one-one...HARD TO GIVE UP!,for me and her....
so any broodiness that comes along,tends to get squashed immediately by these thoughts-maybe my brain has got so good at using these 'defensive' strategies,because iv'e felt too much fear at the prospect of another..so it gets all negative to put me off quick.
like you say,when life is 'smooth' you just don't want to take the risk do you.
spent few months reading these type threads,and concluded that,even those with two sometimes say 'oh,it's so easy with one,i look back fondly at my time with just x,can't help wondering if iv'e done right thing for my x,theyv'e not adjusted well....on and on...it seems those with two sometimes regret having another,not the child,but the situation theyr'e in now because of it..and of course they can't turn back time!....
all this makes me think..OMG...if they think one is easy,and i sure don't sometimes,then how would i ever ENJOY two(notice i didn't say cope...we all find ways to cope...but i feel we should be enjoying our families and have happy memories to look back on..not later in life saying-i was tricked into thinking parenthood was fullfilling and enjoyable and my experience was rubbih!!)
i feel some are striving towards parenting 'perfection',having two and i'm a perfectionist who knows too well that,aiming for perfection and getting it is another thing....in fact,no such thing,concluded lately that no family size/situation is perfect!
as you can see,i am getting ever closer to accepting the joy i have in my life and think,why take the risk?!-had a stinker of a cold this week,can't smell/taste feel like ,i know i definately would have been at the end of my rope trying to look after a second kid,especially if it was going through one of those 'stages'!!
had many viruses this year,starting to feel like an old woman.How's your health ellasmum-maybe if you feel fit/energetic that would tempt you more wouldn't it?!
i would need more support and DH still doing long hours.DH talked of home-working for the past year and been researching,but no nearer...i feel it will be never.so frustrated.
about loving another..think i could love another as much(although same as you had the perfect,wanted/prefered DD,couldn't imagine having a boy!-wanted a relationship like me and mum have and a hopefully less chaotic/energetic/less messy child..although turning into bit of a tomboy!)
yes,only a STRONG urge would make me go ahead i think,maybe though it wouldn't be as strong because we have at least had one pregnancy and done what our bodies were designed to do and have got A child to mother...read an article that said more kids does not neccessarily make parents HAPPIER,than having just one.Maybe novelty factor with first and that great curiosity,just to experience it,gives us the first-time urge/excitement?!
hope that was food for thought/helpful.
wish i had a crystal ball for me and you
feel free to ask me anything else if you wish.

not selfish. But I personally would not have just teh one out of choice. our dd was an only child until our ds came along when she was 8.5yo.

happyathome Oooh, yes I totally get your post again.Ialso spend most of my time with dd and dh, and he also works long hours- shifts in fact- so two weeks in every month he is on nights mon-fri when I really feel like a single mum.So I identify with the support problem- with two I think I might just manage to get through each day, instead of enjoying it.
I'm usually quite glad to have dd back to myself again when her friends go home etc because there is definately something so so special about our one on one relationship.
But I am aware that that is me being selfish!Wanting her to myself! I'm like that with my friend/family in general though and always have been- maybe you are too- I love to be with people one on one as opposed to bigger groups. Prefer deep friendships to shallow casual ones.
I really do appreciate the fact that I have had time to enjoy every little "stage" as she has grown up. I feel very wistful as she moves from one to another, and like you cannot seem to actually part with the pushchair/moses basket/cot etc!!
Healthwise I'm not too bad but I am overweight and out of shape, which means I'm knackered most of the time!
I sometimes think its like the saying "been there, done that, bought the t-shirt!" Why do it all again? I seriously wouldn't do anything differently so its not like I need to have another to try out my new improved techniques.
I really envy the fact that you must know that your dd will be ok as an only, because are one! You will understand where shes coming from if she does go through a lonely phase. You see, I feel everyone around me thinks I should have another. My mum in law is an only and says she hated it(and had 2 herself), my mum wants us to have another for dd's sake, and every time dd misbehaves with my mum I know she thinks shes behaving like a brat because shes an only child. VV annoying!
My sister thinks its cruel to have one too. Even people at work have said this to me and I see their point. I can accept that I am being selfish, but I cannot bear thinking that I could be harming/depriving my dd.

Like you said having a sibling for me is the norm, and when other kids weren't around and on holidays I did play with my sis alot and enjoyed it alot of the time. And I honestly can't imagine not having a sister. Even though I don't get on with her in large doses,(she lives in a different country!) if something bad ever happened to either of us nothing would keep the other away.

However I suppose she could be deprived either way because if I had another for that reason and ended up depressed and miserable then she would have lost the happy mum she has now.

And I definately haven't noticed anyone I know becoming "happier" when they have more children. Most seem more tired, more stressed, more broke, but yet some of my friends still crave another baby!

The more I write the more I know that if I had another now it would be for dd, not me, and I just don't think I can be that selfless!
Happyathome( if you aren't bored to tears already)- did you always imagine that you would have two kids? How did you feel about it before you had one. I really really believed that I would have two, maybe three!! So feeling like this was such a shock for me! Even a friend who was an only child herself and swore she was only having one (first child same time as I had mine) has had a second!!
Really wish I could just be broody, hate the pressure hanging over my head- It'll probably carry on till I hit the menopause fgs!! Again thanks for your reply. Hope you are blissfully happy whatever you decide! Can't help wondering what else we have in common

thanks for telling me more.
in common with youverweight,out of shape,i'm 33(close to 30 i suppose!),want DD to myself a lot too(although now sees she needs playdates and her own age too) and
prefer close friendships(unfortunately can only get superficial ones thesedays!).
other things:work Sun mornings(church organist),could do self-employed music teaching now she's at school but feel brain-dead/not very interested/fearful of career after being SAHM for 5 years-not desperate for cash though,so may leave it for now.Feel i like the amount of 'me' time/time for housework/DD night ritual-cooking and then time with DH if i want(although end up on mumsnet a lot and abandon poor guy!-no tv in common with him and he's not a conversationalist...and he's an only too,by the way..and is happy enough with it(like me though,just work/home life,no socialisation).
TBH,as onlies we only know what we've had,so don't miss sibs.Same for DD-won't know any different when older.She's quite happy to play alone and even craves it sometimes after a people filled day-she dissapears upstairs and i can hear her singing/talking to herself and her dollies-she plays very 'social' games though,like schools,being mummy/big sister e.t.c,likes to 'mummy' her dolls and boss about...but then again don't all kids?!!,but some games make me realise she would be a good sister,which gets me thinking..can imagine she might be too pushy though and a more independant sib wouldn't like it.
In olden days,i feared kids,didn't like holding them/talking to them or anything,didn't like their noise and snotty noses.Planned DD,after being married for 6 years!!-did big hols with DH,before she come along(so glad we did now!).So no-not broody before-saw DH as my best friend/lover...not potential father!.
Tried different careers/college and was so fed up and then one day just realised it was time for a baby-didn't feel fullfilled with any job,wanted an extra person to love/care for...mum said "oh you will love your own,i've never been into other people's kids".She was right,DD became my world,fell in love with her straight away!-spent every
milestone and antic with her.
Had a fuzzy daydream once of a farmhouse,2 kids running around outside,playing happily...just fantasy i think,but on the other hand can't see how 2 would make me happy at all ,if i have to 'thin' myself.
My broody moments now,are from memories of looking after 'one' baby and no other to consider/work around!...baby 2,would never be the completely intimate experience i had with DD surely?!..like you say at 6+ years gap,they may have more 'only' child type existances anyway.Think DD would benefit more from joining in with kids club,rather than 'babysitting' a sib.Wonder if a boy would become an 'annoying little brother',by the time she's 10 or something,not an 'equal' friend,like you hope they would.
I was an introvert child and think a sib close in age would have been good for me,on holidays(sat with mum and dad and wouldn't join in),but on the other hand did enjoy the close relationship with mum and dad and have many happy hols memories.Even went with them through teenager years happily!
An extrovert only though(think my DD is one),will flourish and revel in joining in with whoever...just likes to sit on the sidelines sometimes and observe though,but learns a lot that way.
sounds like baby 2 would be more for your DD too,by the way you talk in your posts,and i believe we shouldn't have them just for child's sake,or because other people are doing it/putting us under pressure.Someone said to me it was cruel once(she has 2)to have one,but my reaction to that,is that i don't think it is,because we are aiming for the whole family's happiness when we choose(and not without thought...3 years of it in fact!!),and because they are good points about being an only,we are putting child into a DIFFERENT situation,NOT a disadvantaged situation(which would be cruelty).We are giving our only,our all,our full support and love,more opportunities in fact(more finance available of course).
So try not to feel guilty(even though happyathome swims in it too-if you get over this decision,you will find something else to feel guilty about believe me ) and please ignore those around you who are tutting-it's you who would have to bring that child up for another 20 years or so,NOT THEM.If they believe your choice is wrong,that is because they have a different perspective on life or had a bad experience of onliness themselves(but just as sib families,there are good and bad only experiences too..from what iv'e researched,just as many good!!).
don't think i will ever MAKE the decision TBH.It will be nature-either accidental pregnancy or menopause.Thanks for the good wishes.Same to you.Hope you find peace and contentment when you decide.
FWIW,wish contraception wasn't invented-too much responsibility in women's hands if you ask me-i don't like playing God do you?,maybe that's why i felt relieved when we left it to nature!-but ATM my instinct reaches for the bedside drawer.
I wasn't bored at all-really excited to see your thoughtful,supportive reply,read it a few times(whilst nodding and smiling).
Please keep writing me 'war and peace'length
posts if you wish-i love them!.I think i may bore others though,but i hope sharing my innermost thoughts may just really help someone as well as get it off my chest.Sorry
iv'e hijacked thread a bit though,but still discussing hopefully whether it's selfish to have one.Wonder if your'e still reading plus one-are you any nearer deciding too?
best wishes ellasmum.Eagerly awaiting to hear more from you.
best wishes too everyone and plus one

apologies,i meant plus30

Hi, thanks for the reply- facinating! We are different in some ways then- I always loved children, even as a child. As a teenager I loved babysitting and even worked in a nursery for a while, but that was where I found out I prefer being with individual children rather than a huge noisy classfull!!

I never felt much for other people's babies though, they make me uncomfortable if I have to hold them. I really didn't like dd's baby stage that much either. Looking back now though I realise that I loved the three children I babysat for(siblings) all equally but usually saw them on their own( when one woke up for example). Always felt out of my depth if I ever had them all together in the daytime!! Just so chaotic.

Laughed about what you said about contraception! Was just thinking that this morning. How nice it must be to just believe in God's will or fate and just not use anything. But like you something is obviously stopping me.
Weird thing is If someone told me today that i was pregnant I know I would be happy and excited! wouldn't let one negative thought enter my head.
Its having the responsibility of making the decision myself thats the problem.
There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that a sibling of either sex would at some point be annoying for dd due to the age gap, but this may teach her tolerance and to understand the needs of children younger than herself. It does make me sad because I do believe she would be a lovely big sister!

Right, have to go to work now (I'm a midwife) where I am constantly reminded about having another baby because I deliver them!! And nearly every mum I look after always asks "do you have any children?" Followed by "do you think you'll have any more?" AAAAGHH!!!

Hm....I have 3...and I suppose we were selfish really to have 3...because we did it for us, not for our children to have siblings or anything...we had children because that was what we wanted.
So, in the end, no matter if you have one, 2 or more...if you think about it, you oculd be seen as selfish anyhow, lol...can't win, eh!
I think there are advantages to be an "only" child, aswell as disadvantages, and the same goes for being part of a family with several children....!
Just because you have an only child doesn't mean they will be lonely, does it....I mean, firstly I assume there are cousins etc....and if you are close to your families, I would think that cousins would become close,too. And well, if you do things that may be more fun for a child to enjoy wiht another...take a friend for them
I really don't think you should have more children then you really want because you feel pressurised..but, just my opinion, of course.

you made some more good points ellasmum.
thanks a lot.
what drew you to midwifery,if you are not that into babies,if you mind me asking?-think it would be a very satisfying job,but i couldn't handle the gore of it all and have responsibility of a baby's life like that.I admire you .Do you not get broody feelings when you are handling the babies then?.
Where are you too?.I'm in Lancashire,England.
Just curious really.Just got a grilling from DD about wanting a PET tonight.Mentioned it before,but this time really upset.The battery interactive dog we just got her,has just not cut it.I am totally againest a pet though for a few reasons.Yet another thing to feel guilty about.Feel like i'm denying her everything .Do you have a pet?.Apparently everyone in her class has one(she says ).You will get even more pressure about what X and X have got,including sibs when she starts school.Best save your energy now for the guilt to come...sorry to depress you.
supposed to be cheering you up eh?!.Maybe they just need to conform at their age-x has got a sister,why can't i? e.t.c..Don't think they sit there though and feel sorry for themselves like adults do,once youv'e explained.

3andnomore-thanks for the input.Glad to hear it's not just 'onlies' parents who imagine they may be selfish.Looks like we all suffer,in the big parent trap!