Is it selfish to have an only child?

[plus30]

This is the first time I have posted on here - much reading of other posts but never created my own. Anyway, I guess I'm just looking to gather peoples thoughts about only children. My dh and I are parents to one 21 month old daughter who I can honestly say is the love of my life. Although I absolutely love being a mum I am unsure as to whether i could cope with anymore. I am 35 - my husband is 37 and I just think we started to late! The only thing that makes us unsure is the thought of our daughter not having any siblings. Both of us come from families with 2 children and are close to our siblings and their families. The thoughts of christmas and family holidays where she doesn't have a little playmate make me feel really sad! Nor do I want my daughter thinking that we didn't enjoy being parents so decided not to have any more! Perhaps I'm thinking about this too much! Any opinions gratefully recieved....

Not selfish, but it is actualy easier with 2 than 1 when ou get past the baby/toddler basic maintenance stage. Someone posted earler about the sibling giggling thing - they seek each other out and there is nothing in the world better than seeing them play together. They entertain each other, and even if thye argue from time to time, it is quickly resolved an forgotten.
Soemone asked DS1 (age 9) the other day who his best frind was, and without hesitation he answered 'DS2' (age 7).

It's not always like that though kookaburra- so not to be relied upon when deciding to have another!

In fact, FWIW (been thinking about this), dh isn't close to his brother either - and ends up dealing with parent-related crap by himself. Our 'siblings' (in the sense of support and closeness etc.) are ds's godparents (none of them related to either of us), really.

Do you think a boy and a girl stay close and play together? Once they diverge in interests?

That's what I feel, that it would be wrong to have a child just so my dd wont be alone. I know she doesnt want a sibling now at five, but she has no idea of the future.

I think there is a bit of a stigma about actually choosing to just have one, especially when all your friends have two or three, its like, when are you going to have another? The eternal question from in-laws, friends, relations, strangers etc

Giving up skipping out of the house at a moments notice
giving up sophisticated dinners out
giving up a full nights sleep (again and again)
giving up splashing out on fancy shoes with matching handbag
giving up your career
giving up adult conversation
walking round tesco with weetabix in your hair
catching sick in your dress in a taxi

Still feel selfish?

OK, not necessarily for ever but, huuuge sacrifices, even with one.

Over here in Germany the birthrate is about 1.3, so it's actually the norm to have 'just' one. When I go about with ds (2.1, but is small so looks younger than he is) and my big bump - and I myself look younger than I am - I do get wondering stares. People still make comments about only children - but then they do about families with more than 2 as well I think you can't win...

THis might go down lead balloon like, but I think always worth remembering when having any child that they can be born with problems. OK the odds are way in your favour, but they happen & therefore like Blu I do feel strongly that any child has to be wanted (even if they turn up accidentally) whoever they are. If you want a child just for dd I think that's a mistake tbh (speaking as an only). DS1 will be a burden for ds2 and ds3 for the rest of his life, which is fine he was there first(!) and will teach them a lot as well). But he's going to be a whole lot of responsibility for both of them at some stage..... Hope you see what I'm trying to say. I don't think remote possibilities should put people off, but always good to be aware of them I think.

Exactly Gess - building a family isn't Fantasy Football!

Berolina, i sympathise - yes, comments a-plenty if you have one child. But peer pressure doens't seem to be a great reason to have another , either!

Really wanting a child, whoever she or he may turn out to be, and amongst how many others, seems an excellent reason to have as many as you want! I love it when people I know have another baby that they really want. I love the 'light on our feet' happy fmaily of 3 that we have. I hate it when people make stoooopid comments about big or small families!

(not read thread yet)

In a word ... no.

And I have almost four children

You have to do what is right for you and your family unit (ie dh and dd) - and ignore any rude comments you get off other people (I get plenty for choosing to have four - you can't please all the people all the time )

Just logged on again - can't beleive the volume of response I've got to my question - isn't it absolutely brilliant to have such an instant research source about all things child related available to you?! From the varied postings on here I am concluding that there are no right and wrong answers - as with most aspects of life/parenting. I totally agree with those of you who say the decision to have another baby shouldn't be solely based on providing a playmate for existing daughter and also with comments about siblings not always being a reliable source of company/support when adulthood arrives! Also very encouraged by those of you who don't appear to have been damaged by being an only child! Who knows what is around the corner (perhaps it's best we don't!) but in the meantime thanks to everyone who has given their opinions! P.S Binkleandfip I totally relate to your posting and hope things work out just fine for you too!

I'm one of 3 and am so pleased about that. 3 is great. I don't always get on with them both, but have always had a good relationship one, at least, at any time.

We also have a half sister who's much younger. Essentially an only child as we'd all left home by the time she arrived. I feel sad for her as so much expectation is on her to be everything her mother (our stepmother) wanted her to be, when there's only one shot at achieving that.

No it isn't selfish.

There are pros and cons of having an only child, or having more than one.

Siblings may get on great; OTOH they may not.

There is a wonderful thread somewhere on MN about the joys of having an only child. Have a search for it. Makes lovely reading.

And anyone who makes you feel bad about having an only child is horrid, and also very silly.

Not selfish at all. Also, as your family is close, your dd will have her cousins.

I would say though is that I found it harder adjusting to having our first child. Going from having 1 to 2 children was a lot easier than I expected.

Am an only child and have always enjoyed it. Always thought my parent were so happy with me that they did not want another child - guess they must have taught me to think that.

Christmas without a playmate did not make me sad, although before about 10 I usually spend them with some cousins - could that be an option if you are close to your siblings?

positive thread on onlies - worth a look

Hi there, I started a thread on this recently - why do you have more than 1 child. I thought some of the stories that people had written were wonderful. It's worth a look. I'm really sorry but I can't link it
x
Maybe someone else can????? please help

Hi,

I was in this situation earlier this year so I posted on MN. It helped enormously.

Take a look at the thread, I hope it makes you feel better. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

Just remember, there is no guarantee that siblings will get on or remain close - if the support, friendship and love of a sibling is your main worry. I had to get my head around that one but my dh and his brother do not chat or see each other unless on a visit to the parents (just as an example).

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=67&threadid=210863#4285876

Plus30 I felt EXACTLY the same as you. Was perfectly happy with one but worried about (a) DS being lonely on holidays etc and (b) what happens later on - I have a friend who lives in SA and is an only and she finds it tough now because her elderly parents aren't as self-sufficient as they were and she struggles to take on the burden of looking out for them when she lives so far away. I didn't want DS to face that.

In the end I had DD last year when I had just turned 40 and DS was nearly 3. I don't regret it for a second though I have found it exhausting. The amount of organisation you need to cope with 2 rather than 1 is much more than I imagined it to be. But I have managed OK and still keep up with a career in the city and doing a masters in the evening. I have given up all thoughts of having a rest for at least 3 more years but it is worth it every day when I see DS hugging and kissing DD and playing with her - the interaction I see between the two makes me love DS even more and I hadn't actually thought that was possible.

No regrets whatsoever.

I think about this too, and it's even more of an issue for me because I'm single and needed IVF to have my DS.

A couple of things though:- I had a good friend when I was a child who was 1 of 3. She hated her siblings and came over to our house on Christmas day every year!

Also, I had a brother. We were very close as children and teenagers, but he died age 20, so I'm now on my own in terms of caring for elderly parents. You never know what's going to happen, so it's impossible to plan for every eventuality.

Best of luck with your decision. It's so hard isn't it.

you are definitely not too old plus30 - I was 35 when dd was born and 37 when ds was born. So glad I have two - hard work at first of course but they are such great pals now (aged 6 and 4) they themselves feel sorry for their only friends.

Plus30,

I don't think having 1 child is selfish, it's what works best for you and your DH.

As for age we thought dd would be an only child as it took me 2 yrs to pg with dd when i was 34, 35 (dh 33) when i had her. It has taken nearly 3yrs for me to get pg again i will be nearly 38yrs when i have this one in August.

I guess what i am saying is try not to stress to much as you still have time to change your mind if you want to.

Plus30 I have one child and although I would have liked more, I was too ill with the first to have another.

DD is a well balanced child, with lots of friends, well behaved etc. She is very caring, polite and more than happy to share her things with others.

I don't think you're selfish to have one, they can bring you as much joy as 2 or 3 children.

To answer OP...

Nope. Well, only in so far as having any children is selfish - ie you have them because you want them and it will make you happy. (nobody decides to get pregnant thinking Oh God, this is going to be awful, but it is for the greater good!)

The reason to have another child is because you want one, not because you feel you ought to. It sounds like you would really rather not, but feel guilty. You have no need to feel guilty.

Don't think it's selfish at all. I always wanted one, and have one and STILL don't want another one. I love DD with all my being, but also love my DH very much. He says he doesn't want to share DD with another kid, and I don't want to share DH with another.

People think it's awful when I tell them tis, so I usually just keep my thoughts to myself.

BTW, I'm an only and perfectly well adjusted. It was tough looking after my parents before they passed away, but somenow I managed and I have lots of cousins who were there for me and still are. My DH has one brother, and they haven't spoken to each other in years.

The only reason to have another child is whether or not you and your significant other want one.