Is it selfish to have an only child?

[plus30]

This is the first time I have posted on here - much reading of other posts but never created my own. Anyway, I guess I'm just looking to gather peoples thoughts about only children. My dh and I are parents to one 21 month old daughter who I can honestly say is the love of my life. Although I absolutely love being a mum I am unsure as to whether i could cope with anymore. I am 35 - my husband is 37 and I just think we started to late! The only thing that makes us unsure is the thought of our daughter not having any siblings. Both of us come from families with 2 children and are close to our siblings and their families. The thoughts of christmas and family holidays where she doesn't have a little playmate make me feel really sad! Nor do I want my daughter thinking that we didn't enjoy being parents so decided not to have any more! Perhaps I'm thinking about this too much! Any opinions gratefully recieved....

Utterly your call as you'll be the ones to look after the children. I don't think anyone should judge. I can say, though, that when my ds was 21 months and I was pg with dd I couldn't imagine loving another child nearly as much and was quite worried how on earth I would be able to avoid having a 'favorite' child. Now I've got dd too, it's not a problem. I love both equally.

There are now times when of course I feel sorry that ds can't have my full attention, but since he gains so much from having a sibling, I know he isn't missing out.

It is horribly hard work having any number of children. I think parenthood comes laden with guilt and exhaustion. I am sure that I will always be able to think of things I could or should be doing better for my children and maybe I'd achieve more of them if I only had 1 child. Still, both are amazing, happy, bright and beautiful, so I can't be doing too much wrong!

I'm an only and a Mum to an only, and I can't think of anything better

it's your choice!

Wow, this string is very timely for me! I have one dd aged 5, and 3 miscarriages since her. This week we found out that there is a blood clotting problem which may have caused the miscarriages and which can be addressed, so we are back to thinking 'should we shouldn't we'. But there would be a huge age gap AND I'm about to be 45. So now we have to think: is it fair on the children to have such ancient parents; how will demanding dd cope with someone new this late in the game; how will we cope, etc etc? I think those people who said to have them for you and not for the existing children are probably spot on. Also, no situation is ideal (I certainly always envisaged a large family but circumstances have meant that it wasn't to be), but the only thing we can all really do is make the absolute best of whatever situation we find ourselves in. If that means, for example, making a special effort to ensure that cousins are part of her life, then so be it, or whatever else it takes. Any other old (or older!) bags out there?!

Frances - I had my children 'older' and part, just a part mind, of that was thinking they were likely to lose us sooner than younger parents and therefore it was better to have more of them as a support network IYSWIM.

Havent read all of the thread, but have skimmed and i have to say although when they are young it may be ok to substitute time with other peoples children and suchlike. But it IS later in life when it becomes more of an issue. When that child finds themselves with no close family. No one else to ask about important decisions regarding their parents when they are elderly. No one else to help take the strain. Or another person to turn to with issues with their own families. Yes they can make friends, but there is something unique about talking to someone that had the same upbrnging as you, they were there. I was very nearly and only child, i was nearly 7 before my mum decided to have my brother. i feel we missed out being so far appart in age. But now i have someone to sceme with when we want to organise a birthday suprise, and someone else who just knows what it was like growing up in our house.
So i think selfish probably isn't the right word as such, but when making the decision you should look to the future, their future after you've gone.

Just want to throw in a thought. I married my dh who is one of 4 siblings and we're fine.

BUT my dad's an only child and all my serious boyfs prior to dh were only children. They are wonderful to go out with because when their attention is on you they are totally devoted and it's like an intense spotlight. Often are very talented capable high achievers.

But imo they have a slightly distorted world view in which they are the most important person anywhere anywhen and expect others to reciprocate this.

So, great to go out with not to marry

No offence intended to anyone.

But just because there are siblings doesn't mean they will help. MIL is not an only child. She has a younger brother, but the brother doesn't really keep in touch, offers no support, no advice and no help. MIL might as well be an only child in so many ways. Would probably be easier for her to be TBH. MIl is supported and helped far more by her husband and her close friends than her brother.

Siblings no not always get on. DH deals with probate work and wills and he sees so much of family fall outs, both before and after deaths. Siblings can be worst enemies at times, made worse by the relationship.

Hopefully my DD will grow up with close friendships, and will eventually have a DP. I hope they will provide her the support and sounding board she will need. She will have other family memebers also who I hope she will remain close to.

I can't provide her with a sibling at present, probably never, so it isn't really a choice anyway.

I am still adament that she will not be harmed or disadvantaged in anyway by that though. Financially she will have all the support and help she needs when the time comes, we make sure of that now. And emotionally hopfully she will have that network around her anyway.

Oh and the sharing thing? DD is 5 years old and shares perfectly. She is surrounded by friends, bboth herown age and younger/older. She is, and always had been the type to share her things and those of others. She is very clear on what "being fair" means. She's never been a snatcher or whatever. Just because she doesn't have a sibling doesn't mean she hasn't learnt that skill.

I too am wondering whether to have a second. I have had to take antidepressants since my DS was born (he's 2.5) and would have to come off, which really frightens me. And I've found it REALLY hard at times, although I absolutely love him to pieces. I'm so jealous of all these women who can just pop them out - when I see girls with two or more it makes me want to cry - but I just don't know if I can face it. But all my life I thought having children would make me really happy. Although I'd really like him to have a brother or sister. I'd really only be doing it for him. It's so hard! Why doesn't anyone tell you how hard it is - it's a conspiracy! I think there's a lot to be said for not thinking too much... Which I don't seem to be able to do!

You have got to do it for YOU, not for your child. If you want a child, then have one. If you do't, for whatever reason, then don't have a seocnd.

Having siblings may be great but it may equally be awful. Siblings do not always get on. Siblings do not always support one another. Siblings do not always help one anohter. Siblings are not always friends.

So, producing siblings should not be your reason.

Producing siblings can be one of the reasons. Plenty of siblings get on.

But plenty don't, and you don't know what the score will be when you are having that second child. Shouldn't be the main reason IMO.

And it is certianly NOT selfish in any form or shape to only have one child. Any more than it is selfish to have 2 children, 3 children and so on.

There are many things to think about when deciding to have more children. Giving them siblings is a valid thing to think about.

plus30 and others who aren't sure whether or not to have two children or not.....Please do not listen to those like mog who are 100% sure that all siblings love each other. This is NOT TRUE.

The ONLY reason to have another child is because you and DH want another child. Do not ever have another one because you want to give your first born a sibling. Of course mog's kids will always be perfect together....(sarcasm here), ...seriously I hope they are, but this is not a guarantee.

If you have another child and they get on well, well that is absolutely great. If not, you will (maybe only deep inside) resent the second one, or maybe the first because they don't get along, and I'm sick and tired to parents expecting their kids to take care of them in old age. I think that is a terrible reason to have children in the first place.

I'm an only and I truly planned to expect to care for my parents when they became ill and elderly and I gladly did, but a big reason for this is that I never, ever heard them tell anyone that they expected me to do this. They wanted me to grow up, find somebody special and have a happy life. They also never asked about grandchildren, and it's too bad they passed away before they got to know DD, but so many people are unhappy because they do what they think they should do, or what others tell them to do. My parents led by example, and I'm grateful to have had them. My mother was a happy person and I've never been disappointed that I'm an only.

People can't predict the future...well maybe mog can..but most of us cannot. My father was 32 years older than my mother. Guess who died first.

I feel sorry for all the insecure people who have other children, or children at all, because of them worrying what other people think. Trust me, no one can predict the future.

Nothing is 100%, but so much of the time when parents act like their children 'owe' them things...like talk constantly about how they will have to take care of them when they get old, or care for siblings, etc., those kids grow up resentful.

Again, please do not have a second child to give your first child a sibling. This is really sweet if they get on, but my DH and his brother have always disliked each other and MIL has spent her entire life saying, 'well I wanted to get a divorce when my first was in school, but I knew I had to stick with it long enough to give him a sibling'...And the firstborn (my DH) is an overachiever and very successful, but his brother has always demanded we give or loan him money. When DH quit with the money thing, neither the brother or his mother have ever spoken to him again.

Somoe of you might think this is a bad outcome just because MIL said that, but so muchof the time, siblings still don't get along, despite the best parenting.

Oh back off expat - most people consider having another child to give their children siblings as one of a number of factors. Don't be so ridiculous.
The mn police state is ridiculous these days

Yes, it may be a factor but it should not be the main reason IMO.

We are going through same thing as plus30 and I'm overanalysising it I think. Took 3 years to get pregnant with ds (now 21mths) so always assumed he would be only one then unexpectedly became pregnant with twins earlier in the year and miscarried. I was horrified at being pregnant again as I was so ill 1st time round and shocked. Now it seems possible to have number 2 I have to really think about it and am now sad that it probably won't happen and that was my only second chance. The head says no way, I'll be ill, i'll have to give up work, I'll be exhausted and grumpy Mum but the heart says go for it, we'll cope because people do. I'm 35 and dh is 39.

I haven't had time to read the whole thread, but no, I do'nt think its automatically selfish to have one child - that would be as ridiculous a premise as saying its selfish to have a child/not have a child/have three etc etc. The motives are what makes something selfish or not, not the fact.

Just wanted to chip in on the sibling thing: I agonized over whether to try for a second child, because dh and I are both in our forties and I worried about energy levels, how kids would feel, etc. I knew that if I was younger I'd want a second child, maybe more - but given the circumstances wasn't at all sure. I also worried about dd not having a sibling - and did lots of posting on MN about it, and got loads of reassurance about only children (which helped take the pressure off).

But here's the thing - I DID slightly want a second child partly for dd's theoretical sake, but ALSO for myself as dd's mother. ie having had one, I felt the need for another - whereas as a 40-something yr old woman, I didn't feel the need to have another baby at all. Very odd conflict to have, and hard to describe (probably haven't put it well) but have it I did and there wasn't a right or wrong answer...just pros and cons, IMO.

I had 3 miscarriages before DD was born and have had one more since she was born, when she was school age. I've explained:-

a) I'm a bit 'rubbish' at having babies, so I couldn't give her brothers and sisters, though I'd have loved to have done so and

b) I've told her many times that I've been a lucky person to have such a lovely daughter. That I love her every day more and more and that she's just perfect. If I could guarantee I'd have more like that I'd have a dozen, but refer to point (a).

When she was younger, she said she wanted a brother or sister, but I think it was the influence of the school kids she plays with. Now, she's 6 and happy NOT to have sisters and brothers. When she's 16 she may be unhappy about it again....but who knows? It might be the making of her.

One child parents have to work hard to ensure our offspring are sociable...that they share....that they aren't too mardy or insular.

We have different worries to people with more than one child and we accept that there's no such thing as a standard family. You'll worry if you have 2 in case one feels left out or one is more dominant, etc, etc.

You are not selfish to want one child only. your daughter will get all your love and attention. Yes, more children can be fulfilling, but don't let social pressure make you 'conform' to the 2.4 children.

If people don't like the fact that you have one child, that's their problem, not yours, and do you want to listen to that kind of person anyway???

Enjoy your parenting and give your child all the love and confidence you can. Hopefully, by the time you pass this earth, she'll have so many friends, a good stable relationship and a life of her own....bring her up strong and true and she'll be her own woman. She won't need siblings...

I had two miscarriages before my boy was born. And I suffered post natal depression when he came along.
But I can honestly say I ALWAYS intended to have only one. Maybe circumstances have strengthened my resolve, but that's not the point. I think I knew one was all I'd be able to handle.
My husband and I can give our son our full attention. We can financially offer him the best in life (although it's not our intention to spoil him). And if he wants playmates he can have them over to our home whenever he wants.
I know my limitations. I can be a good mum to our one child. I know I wouldn't be capable of that if I had more.
Would you go for a promotion in your job if you were overstretched with the responsibilities you had?
The only reason to have more than one child is because YOU want one and you know you can handle it. Not to give that child a playmate or to prevent loneliness.
As an only child myself, I know many adults who fight with their siblings or never speak to them.
Having a second baby doesn't guarantee that your children will have family when you're gone.

very interested to read this thread, i am 38 have one ds 13 months and feel very happy with him and don't really see myself having another at this point. Am very very tired however, of having people saying "when are you having the next one? better not hang about at your age" or words to that effect. note, when not if, in their minds its an assumption everyone wants at least two. aargh!!! will start new society Families of only Children actually feel fine (or FOOC AFF for short!!!)

Some people aren't able to choose whether they want another child or not...they just can't have any more. Even if you can, it's not always finacially or emotionally feasible. I was always envious of my only child best friend. She always got more presents Of course you are not being selfish!

I don't think it is selfish.It is whatever suits you.Some people are unable to have more than one,some choose not to.You have to do what you feel comfortable

Mine were both unplanned,after being told that I would probably have difficulty conceiving.I am 35 now,they are 3.5 and 1.5.It is tiring and I really struggled in the early months as dd was really troubled with reflux.

The pluses are that the two of them do seem to genuinely love each other,nothing better than hearing them giggling together,I worried I could never love no2 as much as I loved no1 but the love just expands to embrace the new arrival.The fact that they can be so different in their personalities,but so similar in other ways still astounds me.The minuses are the constant tiredness,never having a moment to yourself and guilt about whether you are giving either one adequate attention.Oh and on a practical level,the cost doubles.

HTH.

i've just starting reading this thread so this may be irrelevant, but i feel like i've done both. i had my ds at 25 then almost 11 years later, my dd. my son is pleased that he got a long time of being the only as he had undivided attention. my dd gets to have that attention now as she is so much younger and ds is way more independent. it's worked for us but it does mean you dedicate about 28 years to bringing up children! i'm glad to have two now knowing that they will have each other, however that relationship develops but think there are pros and cons for both, and whatever decision feels right for you will be right for your child/children too.

Hi, this is also my first time posting a message. I am a mother of 6. I had my first two at 24 and 26. The other 4 came along when I was 32, 34, 36 and 38. My youngest is just 3 months old. The last two were surprises. Mmmmmmm! Another story.

Something I do know is that it is never the right time to have a child.

Looking back to when I just had two, my life was so much easier. The time has flown too. My eldest is 14 and second is 12. They can really bicker, but there are many moments where they stick together. In lots of ways I am glad that they have each other as we are not living in an ideal world and therefore, they do not want to discuss everything with me.

You have been offered lots of personal stories and it is up to you and your partner at the end of the day.

I have a few friends who had their last child many years after they thought they had finished having children. They felt this last child was like having a only child. I know that they went to a lot of trouble taking this child to lots of hobbies so that they had children to mix with. I also noticed that this child behaved rather more grown up than say my daughter of the same age and also more 'selfish'! By the way I like this child. This child also really envied my daughter because she had a bigger family. However, my daughter envied her friend as she thought she had everything eg lots of attention, hobbies, free time etc...

Could someone explain the abreviations like DD and DS! Very new to me.