Is it selfish to have an only child?

[plus30]

This is the first time I have posted on here - much reading of other posts but never created my own. Anyway, I guess I'm just looking to gather peoples thoughts about only children. My dh and I are parents to one 21 month old daughter who I can honestly say is the love of my life. Although I absolutely love being a mum I am unsure as to whether i could cope with anymore. I am 35 - my husband is 37 and I just think we started to late! The only thing that makes us unsure is the thought of our daughter not having any siblings. Both of us come from families with 2 children and are close to our siblings and their families. The thoughts of christmas and family holidays where she doesn't have a little playmate make me feel really sad! Nor do I want my daughter thinking that we didn't enjoy being parents so decided not to have any more! Perhaps I'm thinking about this too much! Any opinions gratefully recieved....

I am the same as you, have one child, love him to bits, feel fulfilled and don't want another..

To anyone who tell you its selfish, ignore it..afterall they dont need to give birth, do night feeds, clean up sick and all the other hard bits do they.

Infact think much more selfish to have another child when you are not sure if you really want another, you may resent the baby and that will be much worse than sticking to one ...

thanks for this thread.I think it could be selfish having another for the wrong reasons too,but not selfish to have just one.
this thread has reassured me also.thanks all you kind mumsnetters.

I think it is just society pressure - people tend to assume that if you have one you will have another for some reason. I have two daughters and love them both to bits but often find myself guiltily thinking if I hadn't had number two I could be back at work now contributing to the income, have more time to myself etc. On the other side I just love watching my daughters play together and the enjoyment they get from each other. I know somebody who has only one and my daughter's friend at school has four siblings - each to their own.

We only have ds. As the others have posted the links - there have been some beautiful threads on this in the past. I am sure that these will help clarify your feelings.

I don't consider it at all selfish, I would say it depends on your situation and feelings. I always wanted to have a few kids, and my main motivation was that my children would always have someone there, if not to like, or get on with, at least to take for granted iyswim...me and my sister had our ups and downs, but ultimately I'm glad she's there.
Saying that, I now feel horribly guilty because DS1 (4) is struggling to adjust to DS2 (2 weeks) being here...however I feel this is more to do with me being single, IMO they do need a parent each - or two parents for more than two children, so that if one parent isn't Ok or is ill etc. there's always someone else in charge.
(I didn't want to have two kids without a partner but sadly I have poor judgment and it has happened this way)
I think there are pos and neg things about every size of family.

Agree with Olive Oils post.

But it is so lovely when my 2 are actually being nice to each other. Dd is coming up for 2 and she can sort of play with ds (4) now.
They share bathtime, mealtimes and thats great. Also when they're in the car they chat to each other and amuse each other, to a point.

And you are NOT TOO OLD [smmile]

Such thoughtful comments, great thread !

I am an only child and I have never missed not having siblings. In fact as a child I could never imagine having to share my parents. My mum and my dad became close friends and from a young age I enjoyed the company of adults and thus learned a lot about life. It can be very special to have only one child as you will form a unique bond to your child and vice versa.

I do have three cousins my age and I now consider them, sort of, my siblings so to speak.

I only have one daughter and I am very happy with my decision and I am so looking forwrd to our life together.

Only have another child if yoiu really want to, let you instincts decide.

...and finally, as Marslady so eloquently put it, you are not selfish, having a child demands a lot of selflessness.

I don't think it's selfish either.

I was very unwell carrying my daughter, and I wonder if it is selfish to do it again, risking my relationship with her for those months and maybe beyond, risking my health... and yet are these things less important than me wanting another, and wanting to give her a sibling.

I am wittering, but what I'm trying to say is there are so many examples of 'you just don't know what will happen' and many of us who beat ourselves up for being selfish about things whereas we're mostly just trying to do the best thing.

I think 'selfish' is a harsh word. I can definitely relate to how you feel as my ds is 18mo and I really don't feel like I can cope with another until he is 3 or 4. I would like to try for another and also to adopt later on from that, all with decent gaps!

I do think siblings are important when you grow up too - not just 'playing when your kids' - almost more important when you are older. I am v close to my sister, tell her loads of stuff. Also, I know my Mum and her brother share the load of looking after their elderly mother - and I am grateful I have a sis that I will be able to do that with. I think the work of supporting your parents is harder as you get older.

My friend also had a difficulty pregnancy and birth and decided to adopt a little girl from India. She was about 2.5 when she came here, and my friend's son was already about 4, so there was no problem of coping with pregnancy or 'small babyhood' all over again (there are plenty of other issues though). They get on extremely well now they are around 8 and 10. Of course it's not for everyone, but it is a consideration...

Good Luck with your decision!

Of course it's not selfish, if that's what you want.

What I would say though is I know lots of single child families and have noticed how intense it can be - all your eggs are in one basket. They tend to get really stressed by things I would see as minor issues (I have 5)
There can also be a lot of pressure on an only child to fulfil their parents' expectations.

When you have more than one, you relax about many of these issues, and that somewhat balances the extra work/stress.

I'm an only and if I'd had a choice would prefer not to be but of course there's no right or wrong

but plus30, you sound very much like someone who would love to have more than one. Why on earth do you feel you couldn't cope? You sound as if you're coping great with one. And what's all this about starting late? Your a spring chicken compared to many many others.

I have this debate with dh all the time although we are now trying for number 2. Personally I think one child is not enough and feel a responsibility to my little boy to provide him with a sibling.
My reasons are based on my personal experience and the strongest is the great relationship I have with my sister. Also when dh and I get older I would like my son to have someone to share the burden with.
I have friends that are only children and 2 of my closest only child friends find sharing be it actual things or feelings very hard. Infact one had cancer and did not tell a soul about her diagnosis for a week because her parents were away and she didn't feel right telling friends - perhaps had she a sibling she would of found opening up easier and confided in them.

pros and cons, no right or wrong, but I would hate to have been an only child .

If you look at the fact that you are not having a western (presumably) child engaging (inevitably) in consuming a massive amount of the world's scarce resources, you could argue that you are being UNSELFISH in only having one child ...

I have two btw.

re the OP - you are so young! I was 38 when I had my first and 41 when I had my second. You sound like you'd like another baby. Hell, have two!

And yes, you can think about it too much.

Go with your instinct. If you have another everything will fall into place. Honestly.

Have only read OP but here goes. I am 38 and have a fridge magnet which says 'Friends are the family we choose for ourselves'.

I couldn't agree more as sadly my sister decided to put her horrible boyfriend above our relationship (she always has) and now I am very glad that I don't have to speak to her anymore.

It upsets our Father admittedly. But he understands my stance, so no, I don't think you have to have more than one because if you bring your child up with a good grounding of where they are coming from, they will be confident enough to make other relationships through life that they choose.

My best friend since primary school who said she would never live where I am living recently moved here at a 'gasp' from her own family where we both came from. We have been best friends now for 33 years and are closer than any 'blood' families are.

I am happy with my decision to stick with one dd. I was 40 when I had my dd, had a rough old pregnancy and subsequent 3 years with a few problems - but all is happy & dandy now.

I didn't feel I could physically cope with another baby and I was worried what impact that would have on my dd & dh.
The guilt was all consuming and I still wonder sometimes what another child would have looked like, would it have been a girl or boy, would it look more like me? etc.

Occasionally I have to take stock and remind myself to enjoy the here and now, to concentrate on what I have got and not what I might have had.

We have a very close knit family and my dd has two girl cousins and two boy cousins who all adore each other. So, in my case, I felt happier in the knowledge that my dd will have a support network as she gets older.

Nobody can make this decision for you but there are good & not so good reasons for having just one, two, three, or four + children.

It's a very personal decision. It took me 9 months to decide in my case and it was a very difficult time as I swayed from one decision to another.

However, we have a very happy family life, full of fun & laughter. I am very mindful of the fact that dd is an 'only' and we don't have any sharing issues with friends or spoilt tantrums as some people associate with an only child.
I've heard people say 'Oh he/ she is behaving like that because they are an only child'.

Ignore the pressure of people asking when the next one is coming along. It's very difficult but i got it off to a tee in the end by just saying 'No' ... it threw people and they never mentioned it again.

Going back to the sharing thing that was discussed below, it was quite thought-provoking. DS is 6 and was an only until he was 3 so half his life. He is fantastic at sharing, will readily give his little sister more than half his sweets or whatever, will save his daddy the one he knows his his favourite etc. Now DD who is 3 is not like this at all.

Can I just say a HUGE thanks to all of you who took the time to post on this thread. Your comments are so considered and have really given me food for thought- and a lot of laughs! I've also been made feel like I'm practically a teenager which is great! Best wishes to all of you out there with one, two or even more children! x

Morning! We were in the same situ as Plus30 and we're losing no more sleep over it, just back from hols with DS(19mths)and DH(45)and had the best time ever, ok so there was less skinnydipping, sunbathing and hangovers but DS never let us down, while away we talked seriously at length about the pros and cons of siblings and have decided to stop at one.
We're older parents, who never planned to be parents but have given and will give so much to DS we honestly believe that he wont get lonely, he already goes to all the groups and has his friends, DH's sister has seen DS twice, her and DH have rarely got on, they're total opposites. Myself, I adore my sister and speak every day, so theres no guarantees we'll produce a best friend for him.
We've simply decided that there is no gap in our lives, we're not feeling broody or guilty (and thats so the wrong reason for another) and we're quite possibly selfish due in part to our ages. We're going to enjoy doing one well! Interesting that theres little mention about pressure from partners, do they just go with the flow?!!

i've just posted on the 'baby no 2 thread' if you want to know more about my situation.
thankyou mummyspurg-that was a helpful post-must admit after holidays,i go home feeling complete as a three..oh the effort of getting two ready for/on holidays makes my head spin-one's enough!
my husband doesn't pressurize me,but he's said he wouldn't mind another,even said 3 doesn't feel complete to him,so i have 'silent' pressure put on me,as i know he would prefer two.But he knows i do 99% of childcare,so he doesn't say much apart from "whatever your'e happy with"!.He's concentrating on a career change at the moment,so that's took his mind off it/and it doesn't motivate me much to ttc to be honest!-too many uncertainties at once IMHO

Such a tough question. I have 2 and I think there can be a lot of downsides to it, really - depends very much on the age difference, personalities, your age and DH's (we are older parents), what you can offer your child financially etc. I totally agree with others on here that there is no guarantee that siblings will get along or be best friends for each other. My sister and I have been close at times and I am glad to have her, but as with most siblings there is a significant amount of jealousy and competitiveness that gets in the way of our relationship.

DS1 is and always has been very resentful of DS2, and while I can see that he loves DS2, his general level of happiness has undeniably dropped since DS2 was born (DS2 is now 19 mos, DS1 is 5.5). Part of this may be the larger age difference, part is just personality - DS1 is a very demanding kid who really thrives on lots of attention and adult interaction, and obviously he gets far less of that now, and it makes me very sad to see how affected he is by that. This is of course not the case with all siblings, but don't underestimate how much fighting between 2 kids is going to wear you (and them) down. Our two probably have 10 mins of affection for every 50 of grabbing, fighting, etc., and it is quire exhausting particularly when you know it didn't have to be that way. Of course I love DS2 but if I'm honest, I'm not sure I would have gone for a second child if I'd known what I know now.

FWIW the onlies I know, both adult and child, are generally happy, self-sufficient types and have managed to put together very strong networks of friends/cousins etc for support, so I think the idea that you are out there on your own if you have no siblings and automatically have support if you do have some is a bit of a myth.

mizzan,thanks,that's just the sort of info i wanted to hear-was thinking that once people had two,they would not say that they regretted going for the second,but obviously there must be a lot of downsides to having two.Does anyone else with two feel this way?-please tell me if the experience of two was not what you had fully imagined and what it was that surprised/shocked you?-it would be so enlightening for me.No mums would tell me this face to face,most mums are pg with 2nd,3rd or 4th at our school and just go about looking all efficient and happy,which leaves me thinking there must be something really fantastic about having multiples and so am i missing out on a lot if i have just one ?!!

best wishes too plus30.Thanks for the thread-hope you sort it out soon-it drains you doesn't it?!