' Chronic overparenting'......is it something MNers recognize ?

[mozhe]

...and by that I mean the persistent/long term/almost obsessive preoccupation with providing ' perfection' for their DCs....

Do you think this is something you are prone to ?

Is it more likely to occur in parents of first/only children ?

More likely in previously high achieving SAHMS ?

And what do you understand by the term ' benign neglect ' ?

It's becuase the competitive mothers really ought to be running British business not changing nappies so they have to make a job out of something. The solution is that they should be doing something that better suits their talents...like running Britain's companies making proper use of their skills.

i adore you Xenia. you're so bonkersly consistent. and there is, of course, something in what you say. imagine if the massed ranks of MN was put in charge of the country, we'd sort everything out AND have dinner on the table.

totally agree with you, aitch, re. the benign neglect. also, re. personality types. i was a 'high achieving' girl at work but don't apply that to my parenting whereas there are parents i know who are not high achieving at all (by the way we measure success in this country anyway) who are quite obsessive about their kids - look at netmums site. i really do think it's more to do with your own personality and childhood than whether you are clever/ successful etc.

ROFL at Xenia

Sometimes when you're in a good mood she's funny

Well I am benignly neglecting DS and his mate who, I think, are in the kitchen doing some sort of pirate crafty stuff. They might have gone into the living room and started playing an arcade game, or they might have gone into the garden but they definitely have not come upstairs since the pair of them do tend to resemble baby elephants. TBH, I am slightly more concerned that I am benignly neglecting my kitchen and that it will be covered with little cut out bits of paper, glitter etc when I return.

And round here we still say "X is coming to play" or "Y is coming to tea". Quaint, aren't we?

I haven't waded through the whole of this hread, but simply by seeing Xenia name I am totally sure she has said something on the lines of
'If we get those organised people who specialise in Over-parentiong running big business in this country we would all be better off Or something like that

And do you know I totally agree with her.

I seriously believe that overparenting somes from someone (parent) who believes in perfection and has probably worked in a high pressure role (or still is) and is therefore used to organisation, scheduling and preparation. Therefore these people could be SAHM who need to get more intheir lives or WOHM who perhaps need a little less in theirs IYKWIM

I am consistantly in teh benign neglect camp, when I get home I pour a glass of wine before doing much else, my children are reasonably self sufficent at 6 and 8 and I am proud of that.

We do schedule playdates, but that is usually an excuse for me to have a bottle of wine with a friend afterwork and let the kids watch a film and eat popcorn!! After school activities are sorted by a combo of granny, SIL and DH.

I haven't waded through the whole of this hread, but simply by seeing Xenia name I am totally sure she has said something on the lines of
'If we get those organised people who specialise in Over-parentiong running big business in this country we would all be better off Or something like that

And do you know I totally agree with her.

I seriously believe that overparenting somes from someone (parent) who believes in perfection and has probably worked in a high pressure role (or still is) and is therefore used to organisation, scheduling and preparation. Therefore these people could be SAHM who need to get more intheir lives or WOHM who perhaps need a little less in theirs IYKWIM

I am consistantly in teh benign neglect camp, when I get home I pour a glass of wine before doing much else, my children are reasonably self sufficent at 6 and 8 and I am proud of that.

We do schedule playdates, but that is usually an excuse for me to have a bottle of wine with a friend afterwork and let the kids watch a film and eat popcorn!! After school activities are sorted by a combo of granny, SIL and DH.

I have found myself recently scanning longer threads but picking out posts by Custardo or Xenia because they seem to make a lot of - very eloquently put - sense.
And so it was here just now.

Except that the "overparenting" types I know aren't the common-sense ones I think ought to be running businesses, they're the neurotic, over-controlling ones...

yeah, when xenia's right she's great

Xenia won't be able to get out the house to the high powered job on Monday if her head is swelling reading these posts...

Agree with Anna888 the overparenting types are too neurotic and anxious to be running a company. Its the ones that are chilled / knowledgable enough to either hang out with their children or channel ambition into work who are better suited to the job
would running a company stop these women being overly competitive as parents? not sure.

anna true, but perhaps they are simply highly strung and find this life lark a big old mess.

I suppose it is just another word for relaxed or not, I am lucky to have a fatalistic outlook on life and be fairy chilled about everything. My friends and dh might think otherwise!! All I like to know is where I am everyone else has to be and when. I do organise myself during teh week, and hyper organise specific occassions as then I am can be chilled on the day.

LGJ waves at Crunchie. Long time no see.

Agree with Xenia. I almost always agree with Xenia so I'll do it again here even though I don't REALLY understand what overparenting is. Whatever it is though I am pretty confident I don't do it. Not sure I do benign neglect either mind. Must be a spectrum.

I quite like benign neglect

Message withdrawn

benign neglect depends on age as well. Becomes var easy as they get older

Message withdrawn

DOn't worry. I've plenty of children around to keep me down to earth.
It is interesting what pressure is right and what isn't. We were certainly keen to get the children into good schools and we encouraged them to have a range of hobbies from which they could choose what suited them but I think I was more laid back about the GCSEs and A2s than most parents. There are some working mothers actually who go home and bake cakes for the school too because they want to over do everything so my generalisation about this is probably unfair. I am delighted for 20 years I have had an excuse never to bake stuff for school (why would a woman with a brain want to spend it cooking anyway....separate issue...) but some want perfection in the office and perfection at home. I remember a dinner a few months ago and one man's son at Westminster had just got the 11 A at GCSE they apparently aim for and the man on the other side guess what his boy at Haberdashers had got 11 As too. Men do this just as much as women. I spend much much more time with men than women which is may be unusual and the desire to have the "uber child" is as much in them as in some women.

"why would a woman with a brain want to spend it cooking anyway....separate issue..."

Xenia I have a brain and I love cooking. Lots of women and men too, come to that, LOVE cooking.

IM the eldest (only girl) with 4 younger brothers. My mother and father worked full time and I think I spent a lot of time bringing up my brothers. I absolutely loved it and I think elder siblings do this from instinct, and not from duty. I learned from this experience that kids can basically look after themselves, and can more or less bring themselves up if left to it. It taught me not to care about worrying whether kids injure themselves, and that kids have the best and most creative time when theyre just left to it outdoors or indoors. Kids dont need to be encouraged to do homework or anything because they learn that there are natural consequences for things. We all went on to get good degrees. <span class="italic">However</span> I wouldnt do things like my parents. Im a SAHM now because I (personally) think that kids needs parents who are available, but not involved. Mine werenT available to us and I want to do things a bit differently with my daughter.
I think a good balance is necessary. I want to be able to do things like bake cakes with my daughter for example, but I hope I have the confidence as a parent to not get too involved in her inner world, and to let her be as much as possible. With my background, I feel I do have the confidence to do this and know that sheS going to turn out "allright" without my input. But I can understand why some mothers really want to give their all to their children. Raising children is such a fascinating and rewarding job. The thing is, our kids wont thank us for giving up ourselves and our lives for them further down the line.
A fantastic book on this subject is "Letting Go as Children Grow" by Deborah Jackson.
She believes something along the lines of if you are too involved in your child, the implication is that you believe without your help and guidance, your child may somehow grow up "wrong". This is actually a rejection of the childs self, and yes, the child can definitely feel that implication.
And also there are the practical sides too. Benign neglect really does foster creativity. I think I live in a country where benign neglect doesn`T really exist (Japan), and there are social consequences, like adults not being able to think for themselves, lack of creativity and the like.

Sorry, my middle brother didnt go on to get a good degree (dont know why I wrote all). But he still managed to succeed in his field of interest (golf) without any input at all from my parents.

Sakura, I like that quote. I agree. Too much control is a rejectino of the child. It means I will make you what I want you to be - either potential hausfrau or Oxbridge potential judge or whatever. It can also mean I am disappointed with how my life turned out and you are going to achieve all those things I never managed which is also bad too. I want my 5 to find out what they want to do, with some guidance, and do it. I want them to know that whatever they do and whatever mistakes they make they will be loved.

But also want them to have similar expectations and life to mine/the family's so they can fit in and of course so they can choose to reject it if they want so without doubt they are to an extent made or pushed through their schools and family life into a mould plus having our genes too.