' Chronic overparenting'......is it something MNers recognize ?

[mozhe]

...and by that I mean the persistent/long term/almost obsessive preoccupation with providing ' perfection' for their DCs....

Do you think this is something you are prone to ?

Is it more likely to occur in parents of first/only children ?

More likely in previously high achieving SAHMS ?

And what do you understand by the term ' benign neglect ' ?

I'll add my perspective as a previously 'under'achieving SAHM. I was possibly a bit over parenty with dd1, who is a nervous and sensitive child (either because of or despite...who knows?).

I am not at all 'over' parenty with dd2 (though involved and loving, as before), who is confident and even a bit lairy! Why? Who knows?

It would be interesting to see some research on this; good question, but of course, can only be answered in a totally unscientific anecdotal way.

When will we uncover the formula of parental perfection, eh?

You MUST NOT let your children read Enid Blyton, not that most kids would as they are terribly old fashioned.

no

very wise Kerrymum
now, do you think you'd notice three more at your house?

They're quite small - you'd hardly notice them.

I'll supply the chocolate spread

very wise Kerrymum
now, do you think you'd notice three more at your house?

They're quite small - you'd hardly notice them.

I'll supply the chocolate spread

now I really am losing it

I had a much harder time defining "benign neglect" than "overparenting" and, having thought about it, that's because "benign neglect" is an oxymoron.

If you want to let children "get on with life by themselves" (= neglect) you first have to ensure that the environment in which you let them do this is one in which they can develop profitably and without harm (= benign). So you have already been far from neglectful in ensuring they have that environment.

Yes, larah. This is why I think having children is good for the soul/people because you can't get that perfection like you might at work or in your hobbies and life. It makes you accept compromise and appreciate it's not a definite process. If you do XYZ you won't necessarily get product ABC.

On the teachers' thing I think it's just over time. 22 years ago or I suppose 20 years ago when I was taking daughter 1 round various schools and then when she started I was much more interested and I suspect over time now on to fifth child and having to remember both twins' teachers/classes it became less important. I think I could probably tell you the name of each teacher now we're getting into June but not which twin was in which class. I can usually ask another mother. Plenty of fathers don't know those names either. It's just a matter of what you're interested in. I just signed forms for them to go on a school trip next week and have to put 3 for the form on each because I couldn't remember the name of the next bit of the particular class.

But I'm reasonably involved.

persistance and persual of 'perfection' is/would be such a waste of my time methinks generally.... and specifically relating to bringing up a child...
...my idea of it could also easily not be theirs anyhow..

only have ds and think it unfair that only children would be more prone to receive this kind of upbringing ...
it is surely personality of parent that dictates this

high acheiving...i agree elibean..
i am educated & interested in my child and want him to fulfil his amazing potential ...in his way...we learn, play, read, playdate occasionally (was asked by mum who's ds said my ds was his friend...so not uber micro managed at all)..do housework, clean, cook, chill together and separately and all that in relaxed way .... top perk of being sahm you can do it to suit you both...

benign neglect ....i dont like the phrase ..

we have downtime...

lol marina ....junior..

I don't recognise the "not knowing teachers name" thing at all. All the fathers I know here in Paris do the school run for primary - mostly on the way to work - and are pretty au fait with their children's school life.

Well I have an only child but don't think I am persistantly striving for perfection at all!

I think there is a difference between striving for some externally-determined ideal of perfection (in child and/or parenting) and wanting to offer your child as many possible opportunities to develop to its full genetic potential, whatever that may be.

it all depends what your perception of 'perfection' is really...

as long as my kids are fed, clothed, warm, mostly happy and they feel loved and safe, that's all i really care about TBH. When it comes to school, i'll encourage and take an active interest, but i won't be pushing for straight A's and making him join after school clubs etc.

I'm not fastidious about cleanliness and housekeeping. Sometimes DS's socks don't even match...

Marina, what you say about Jr is a positive proverb.

I will be quoting it forever

What's "Junior"????????

If anyone remembers an article in Junior Pregnancy and Baby a few years back on The First Six Weeks, all about the joys and the gazing and the gushing...

...I apologise. I really do. I was quite aware when I was writing it that it was bollocks from start to finish (my own experiences of The First Six Weeks are of a ghastly tear-filled blur between the euphoria of the birth and the consolation of the first smile). I had bills to pay. I am still riven with guilt.

Glossy parenting mag that pays its contributors extraordinarily bad rates.

LOL MI!

But we read it and collude in the fantasy - it's a mutual co-dependent relationship, glossy mags and would-be-glossy mums!

Oh. Thanks.

wasn't there a book about overparenting in the states a while back? i heard somethign about it on the radio, it did sound amazingy stressful, getting children to and from 'playdates' and giving them competitively fabulous things to do.

for me, benign neglect equals as much freedom as is safe in a world increasingly over-run with cars and hard-worked parents. in practice for my DD, it often means she's the one coming home from the swingpark with a bloody lip. i'm following my own mother's example in that regard, as he eldest of four i'm aware that children do bounce.

it also means not worrying overly much about jamming 5 servings of veg a day into them, them getting 'enough' stimulation, not stressing at all about ironing, housework etc etc. but then i can't really handle neuroses, i don't have them and it's something i find a bit unbearable in others. some people like that whole fretting thing, it makes them feel useful and capable i think. it's just different personality types, i'm not making a value judgement. but i wouldn't choose an inveterate worrier as a pal, we wouldn't get on. they wouldn't like me any more than i'd like them, to be clear.

re benign neglect... like anna888 says, you have to set up a benign home so that freedoms can be given. so my dd knows that i'll only let her fall off the third rung of the slide steps, for example, but i'll be standing right behind her when she goes higher.

but, my dear MI, I do not recall you self-satisfactorily identifying a Zeitgeist that no-one else, ever, had had the perspicacity to see, despite its staring them in the face, etc. etc., and (pet hate) giving it a catchy acronym - ugh ugh

Though has anyone mentioned Andrew Clover's column in the ST Style bit likening parental child-care sparring to a chess game? We rather liked that