' Chronic overparenting'......is it something MNers recognize ?

[mozhe]

...and by that I mean the persistent/long term/almost obsessive preoccupation with providing ' perfection' for their DCs....

Do you think this is something you are prone to ?

Is it more likely to occur in parents of first/only children ?

More likely in previously high achieving SAHMS ?

And what do you understand by the term ' benign neglect ' ?

bigmouth - yes, parenting style is definitely conditioned/constrained by environmental factors as well as parents' desiderata. As is one's own life as an adult. My partner has to remind me not to wear flip-flops when we go round to his parents' - his father is so bourgeois that he thinks that my flip-flops would make his friends think that his son didn't earn enough to pay for proper shoes for his family . I like fairly casual clothes (but I like expensive stuff too ) but I can't always dress the way I'd wish around these parts... God, I even make sure I'm made up when I go downstairs to put the rubbish out.

I don't think anyone generally has time to over parent if they have more than one or 2 children, unless they have a nanny or other help.

I don't like tomake generalisations from the particular, but I must confess I'm beginning to get a bit irritated with a good friend who's the sahm of a singleton 13 yo boy. Everything is micromanaged by her for him - she still leans over his shoulder, literally, while he does his homewrk, makes an exam timetable for him to revise from etc. He plans nothing for himself, and is sent on a host of improving courses during the holidays, even though at 13 he could easily be left for an hour or 2 if his mother is busy or wants to leave him at home. He's a friend of my eldest ds, and is no good at just joining in when he comes here - OK -he wants my ds1 to himself, but can't just chill out and interact a bit with the younger siblings too for a minute or 2. But I think ds1 is becoming a little uncomfortable with this, so I think the meetings will be less frequent, especially as they're at different schools now.

My children are used to making their own amusement, or just mucking in naturally with whatever's going on; interspersed with the odd organised activity. But usually I only organise the activity (sport, drama, whatever) if they actually ASK me.

Is that benign neglect ? I thought I was trying to be balanced, but who knows ?

that's a good point Tuppy - I have three and couldn't overparent if I tried.

'Previously high achieving SAHM's'

God you really cannot start a conversation about anything without getting a dig in to SAHM's can you.

come on mozhe broaden your converstaional horizon I dare ya!

I just can't see how an over parented child is easily going to become fully independent unless some slack is cut as s/he grows up.

I don't mind "previously high-earning SAHMs" but I don't go for "previously high-achieving SAHMs". My sense of achievement these days is a lot greater than when I was a wage slave... it's just my bank balance that doesn't achieve so much

I think that's a bit touchy, isn't it? My understanding is that that is a reference to people who had careers and then gave them up to SAH - that doesn't (to me at least) seem a slight to SAHMs

tuppy - emptying the dishwasher and washing machine and putting stuff away are all good for motor skill development... go on, make yourself feel good about child labour

..and sweeping chimneys does wonders for their coordination...

I think it was a very definate dig actually

don't see that - each to her own

dino - that was Mozhe suggesting that SAHMs are "guiltier" than WOHMs. Not sure myself that there is any correlation - I know WOHMs whose children are in institutionalised care or organised activities every minute of every day because they are so worried about them being stimulated.... think it comes down to personality, not work, myself.

dino - I can show you a few specimens in action in their natural habitat, in that suburban jungle called Neuilly a small expedition from my doorstep... if you feel like a little anthropological outing

a fair few specimens afrequent this site

that would be me i guess - absolutely OBSESSED with getting it right this time, felt that i buggered it up with DD1 who i had when i was 19, she doing ok though (just got into do her art national diploma - preen!) after some rocky teenage dramas. So in answer to your q mohze

Do you think this is something you are prone to ?
definately
Is it more likely to occur in parents of first/only children ? not in my case but sort of

More likely in previously high achieving SAHMS ?
I have to say - YES
And what do you understand by the term ' benign neglect ' not sure, but i think there is something to be said for just letting them "be" at times. I find that hard to do with DD but i do like just to watch her sometimes.

And i do find it a bit of a bind sometimes, the pressure to get it right

... but you can't name and shame...

don't tempt me Anna888

(zookeeper sits on hands firmly)

oh dear, it seems the SAHM debate might be kicking off again, ooops But i do see what Mohze meant, the previously bit went over my head. But i do feel the pressure that as i have chosen to be a SAHM i need to make a bloody good job of it as it has now become my career

I thought your post was touchingly heartfelt and honest Lucyellen's mum

i dont think over parenting is a bad thing as such, surely we cant take too much care of our precious children, but i do think the latest penchant for competitive parenting, and we all know exists, is a bad thing.

lucy - there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to do a good job as a parent.

What's not so good is micro-managing a child's life so that it has no room to breathe, space to wander, oxygen to blossom...