' Chronic overparenting'......is it something MNers recognize ?

[mozhe]

...and by that I mean the persistent/long term/almost obsessive preoccupation with providing ' perfection' for their DCs....

Do you think this is something you are prone to ?

Is it more likely to occur in parents of first/only children ?

More likely in previously high achieving SAHMS ?

And what do you understand by the term ' benign neglect ' ?

ah I see. Thanks and very true too. Tend to avoid the whole Xenia debating what roles we choose tho. Sometimes you just get drawn in tho.

Xenia, in general you know I do agree with nearly everything you say. Personally I would go mad without my work. But there are a lot of activities that are not (or not particularly) cerebral, and it is perfectly possible to enjoy them even being in possession of a brain. Sometimes it's about switching off, and sometimes its about a different form of engagement.

You dismissed reading and cooking. Cooking for me is about nurturing. I didn't really love cooking until I had children. BC it was an activity which was messy and occasionally stressful. Once I had children it was about delighting them (and others) and a form of demonstrating affection.

I like reading too. I LOVE reading even more than I LOVE cooking. The frustration of my life is that I have so little time to do all these wonderful things. It doesn't mean I don't have a brain. I DO have a brain and a profession and economic power and all the rest of it.

You get more time to read if you work. You get commuting time to do it in.

I can understand how it can be useful way to be if you can see the world in a grain of sand kind of thing, enjoy the morning because you've sat on the lawn watching dew drops on the grass but I don't see why housework and loving and caring for your children and home can't just be something you do as well as work. Anyway obviously people do like it. So that's great. I hope when you're all aged 55 you all still feel the same.

There is nothing as intelectually stimulating as watching a child learn.

"You get more time to read if you work. You get commuting time to do it in".

Not if you drive.

A few years ago, we had an audience with our CEO. Successful businessman, multi-millionaire. He said that one of the things that he regrets was not spending more time with his children because they now have a strained relationship. Hence, why he is very keen on flexible working and family friendly policies.

i do not find loving and caring for my daughter a back drop to my life - she is my life and i have never felt so fulfilled as i do now. I mean, what is it all for if it isnt for our families? Material things can buy you temporary hapiness but i have just put my little girl up for her afternoon nap - she is 22m and fell asleep in my arms while i was giving her a big cuddle - she wont need to do that much more but i wouldn't miss the oportunity to do that for ANYTHING.

I never minded doing that twice a week - 2 year olds are gorgeous but not 7 days a week. Children grow into teenagers and then they leave. You need a life and work and purpose and interesting work is a huge pleasure for many women in 2007.

and some women work becuase they have no choice, its not all phd's and champers in the city - some people do real work

Some of us go back to work because an extended "career break" would mean that we would never be able to get the kind of job we want when our children are older. Some go back because we need the money, some go back because like Xenia we want to. Some of us stay at home or work part time because we that's what feels right.
We are all different, just because we make different choices does not make us dilusional (sp?)

custardo - um, i think you will find that a phd is pretty much hard work, most basic medical research is carried out by PhD students. I am certainly not an over privaliged student, i was lucky enough to have a man to support me through my studies (we just about manage, and i mean just) and it was certainly not done on a whim to fill my time. I am a SAHM now and im lucky that again, my man can JUST about support me (although i rather think he would like me to get a job now!) while i take care of our daughter. I definately appreciate that some mothers work because they have to, i know lots of women like this, i have a friend who works full time who has been in tears to me on more than one occasion because she cannot afford to spend more time with her son.

Xenia, i know that children grow into teenagers and leave, my eldest is 17 and i chose the university and work route when she was at nursery and school, now all of a sudden i have a grown up daughter who i hardly know, this is the biggest regret of my life and i wont make the same mistake this time, i feel like i have been given a second chance with DD2 and i am going to make the most of every minute. I will go back to work when she is a little older, but i wont be putting in the sort of hours i used to because this time around, i have my priorities straight.

How will all you SAHMs support yourselves in old age ? I suppose that is directed toward the long term SAHMs....
Speedymama...you can do a surprising amount of reading at traffic lights/in traffic jams !
'less cerebral ' doesnot imo = stupid, just less intellectually able....we are not all equal.

mozhe - the pensions situation in the UK is so utterly dire that sahms are not the only ones without any/much pension provision... unless in the public sector very few people have adequate pension provision. it's a timebomb for another thread, maybe?

"over-parenting"

oh ffs

And TODAY's stick to beat parents with is....

heh my thoughts exactly filly

now while you are here can you please stick around and tell us how you are

I am pining for you

Mozhe -We are all different but we are all equal.

hello franny!

I keep meaning to email you but i am confused by your multiple email addresses

i feel like a rat at sea atm. I can't eat cheese and that is making me sad

good lord

a rat at sea

that sounds dreadful

just email the one that is the first two letters of my name repeated

now i must think of something to say

do you like calculus?

ah

well if you have to struggle to think of things to write perhaps emailing not THE best idea?

Was you in a rush when you posted that, cos you didnt think it through. That all harks back to Xenia's "what if he leaves/gets run over by a bus" scenarios. I think that probaby, most SAHM's who are dependant upon their partners incomes and are comfortable have thought this through and would be using any pensions that their partners set up. But to be fair, most SAHMs do go back to work when their children start school. So really that point is a bit lost on me.

well i dunno about any other SAHMs but i have comprehensive life insurance for my partner (and for me).

and if my partner left i would pursue him for maintenance (actually i doubt I'd need to but I WOULD)

and would get me a job if need be

I don't really see the problem.

I wouldn't be able to afford a yacht but I can't anyway

Am assuming the comment about reading at traffic lights/in traffic jams is a tongue in cheek remark?

No...'tis a good use of time imo...obviously you have to have your wits about you safety wise...but I get through loads of reading this way

trust you've got good life insurance then..... and any poor bastards you run over

I am very responsible....and good at multi-tasking !
Have never had an accident in 25 years of driving.....>